Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “I think it’s hot that you carry, but not to a party with drunk idiots.”

  “You’re carrying aren’t you?”

  “Point made, but I’m a professional.” I smiled and kissed her again, this time more deeply. “This zipper is causing me great conflict,” I whispered as I tugged her wetsuit zipper just slightly down. She bit her bottom lip.

  “That was the purpose, now let’s get a drink.”

  “I should just take you home right now then… ” I chuckled at the blush that formed over Liz’s cheeks. “But even though it’s against my better judgment, we can stay, for a bit.” I took her hand in mine as we headed toward the house.

  It was getting late. I wanted to leave. I had no desire to have more than the beer I was currently drinking. Elizabeth didn’t seem too excited to be here anymore either. The party was just getting more packed and the occupants drunker. Elizabeth, Todd, and Cam had some very serious conversation going on in the corner. I had only hoped that bridges were being mended. I noticed Liz was getting teary eyed. I decided to intervene. I pushed off the wall I was leaning against and headed in their direction.

  “Hey bro.” I bumped Todd in the shoulder with my fist.

  “Hey, Soy.”

  “Where’s this Emma chick you keep blabbing about?” I asked, chancing a glance at Elizabeth. She seemed okay.

  “She’s in the bathroom. Oh wait, here she is.” Todd’s smile widened in obvious adoration. He kissed her on the cheek. Interesting, who knew Todd could be a gentleman? “Emma this is my roommate, Sawyer. Well, I guess not for much longer though, he just bought a place today. The old Anderson house actually.”

  “Wow! A house? Nice to meet you,” Emma smiled in greeting. She was a pretty girl with blonde hair, but she was too skinny. I had the urge to go find her a cheeseburger.

  “Yup, I close on the property next Friday.” I looked down at Liz and she looked sad. I leaned in and whispered in her ear, “You ready to get out of here?”

  Her eyes ignited. “Hell, yes please.”

  “It was nice to meet you Emma, but I think Elizabeth is ready to go.” I nodded in Emma’s direction. “Todd, behave,” I ordered.

  “You staying here with Barry or do I need to ride back with you?” Elizabeth asked Cam.

  “No, I’m staying.” Cam gave Elizabeth a suspicious smirk.

  Elizabeth and Todd gave each other a cold goodbye. I guess not all bridges were mended.

  The drive back to Ogden was quiet at first. I was glad Sawyer was giving me time to process the whole Todd situation. I wanted to fully forgive him and it seemed Cam did too. We have all known each other for so long, that I didn’t want to throw away our life and friendship. Besides the dream I had about Todd the other night, it was like the universe telling me to forgive him. After all, I know personally how life can be too short. It almost felt good to just forgive him, like a weight had been lifted. This was the longest Todd and I had ever gone without speaking. It sucked if I was being honest. He screwed up, I’d give him another chance. I exhaled an audible sigh. I was happy to be moving on.

  “What’s up?” Sawyer looked at me with his brows furrowed. I loved that he worried about me.

  “Just thinking about forgiving Todd.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, he screwed up, right? But I can’t throw away everything on one screw up. I think everything will be okay.”

  “Me too.” Sawyer smiled and his perfect white teeth were on full display. I loved how his dimple barely showed when he smiled really big. It was like a secret only I knew about. The thought made me grin. I wanted to be with him tonight. Cam and I had discussed this at length while we had gotten ready for the party. How would it be? Did he know I was on the pill? Was I nervous? Cam gave me the third degree. I was ready. I cared about Sawyer.

  “Are you sure though? You’ve known him for like a week. I mean I’d have sex with him, um… hell yes, I would, but I’m the slut, not you.” I saw Cam’s grin in the mirror as she braided my hair for the party.

  “I’m not a slut!” I slapped at her hands.

  “I know, that’s my point. I mean, I know you girl, you’re all sensitive and shit. You’ll be heartbroken if you give him the goods and he dumps you.”

  “He wouldn’t.”

  She cocked her head to the side and tightened her lips.

  “Listen to me, he really wouldn’t. Trust me. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like he’s it for me. I’ve never connected to anyone like this.”

  “I think that’s his abs talking,” she snickered.

  “Can you be serious?”

  “Yes… sorry… continue… please.” Cam drew out each word.

  “He’s been through so much, I’ve been through so much. I think I’m falling hard for him. I want to share this experience with him. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least I got all of him. I can be heartbroken sure, but at least I know what passion is, for once I just want that, I want it all.” I met Cam’s eyes in the mirror.

  “You’re such a romantic. But that’s why I love you.” She leaned down and kissed my cheek. “Just… just be careful.”

  “I will.” But for once I was ready to tell careful to take a hike.

  Sawyer’s voice broke me from my memory. “What are you smiling about?” he asked with a mock wary tone.

  “I just love your smile, it’s so real. You don’t smile very often, so when you do it’s just… wow.”

  He reached across the Jeep and trailed his thumb across my lips. His face turned serious.

  “I like being real with you. It’s really hard for me to open up to people. I’m just so grateful for you. You make me want to come out of my shell.” He turned and looked back at the road and I just stared at him. He was so good-looking. God, just beautiful really. But, I knew there was more to him than that. I wanted to know who Sawyer was beyond the rugged exterior. He was letting me in pieces at a time.

  “Really? Why?” I needed him to say what he was really thinking. If I was really going to give him all of me, I wanted to know everything I could about him.

  “Why what?” He kept his eyes on the road, but I didn’t miss the slight tightening of his fingers on the steering wheel. I didn’t answer his question. He shook his head in surrender. After exhaling a large breath, he spoke. “Why do I feel like I can be real with you? Elizabeth… you’ve been through so much, but you keep going. Someone like that, like you… you get me. I’ve had it rough too, and I just feel like you understand more than anyone I’ve ever met, what loss feels like. The fact that you have conquered so much gives me hope. Something I haven’t had in a long time.”

  “Hope,” I whispered putting my hand on his leg. I squeezed his thigh softly getting his attention. He looked away from the road for a moment and I smiled. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “It’s true.” Sawyer’s lips spread into a small smile. I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

  “Thank you.” His warm hand enfolded around my thigh. He made me feel hopeful, beautiful… perfect.

  It was freezing outside. I ran up the stairs that led to my apartment. Serves me right for wearing these tiny shorts in winter-like weather. Sawyer’s booming laugh followed me into the apartment. No doubt he was laughing at me.

  “Don’t be a jerk!” I leered in his direction.

  “Your ass must have been frozen in those shorts all night, but I’m glad you wore them.”

  I ignored his comment as I took off the straps that held my weapons. I placed them on the counter. He was right though, my legs were freezing. I turned around to find Sawyer staring down at my legs predatorily. I was instantly warmed to the core with his stare. I swear it was quiet enough in the room that he could’ve heard my heart beating. I just stood there, caged in by his overwhelming presence. I watched as his eyes took me in hungrily.

  This was happening.

  He moved toward me with slow, deliberate steps. Our bodies were so close, just barely touching, h
is heat radiated the space between us, giving me a heady sensation. He cupped the back of my neck with his palm, pulling me in just a bit closer. Only an inch separated our connection. His eyes lingered on my mouth. He raked his bottom lip with his teeth, the gesture filled me with desire.

  “You’re so fucking perfect.” Sawyer pulled me even closer, closing the gap between us. Heart to heart, he crashed his lips to mine. I loved his mouth, his taste, how he pulled me in, he nipped my bottom lip and I felt shivers run down my spine as heat pooled in between my legs. This kiss was different, it was aggressive and I liked it, no loved it. He guided me backward, never releasing me from the delicious assault, till we were backed against my bedroom door. This kiss, in this second, I felt him deeply. I was his, he owned every part of me.

  He took my arms and pinned them above my head. His large hand easily gripped my tiny wrists, pushing them to the hard wooden surface of the door. He used his free hand to graze his fingertips down the length of my arm. He pulled from my lips and locked his emerald eyes on mine.

  “Please?” I wasn’t sure if he would understand my plea. I didn’t want him to stop again. I didn’t think my body or heart could handle the rejection. I wasn’t perfect like he said.

  “Are you sure?” his voice sounded harsh with arousal.

  He freed my arms so I placed them around his neck and said what I truly felt.

  “I’m not perfect, Sawyer. You’re solid and formed, I’m soft. I’m damaged, but healing. I just know if we stop now I’ll get hurt somehow. I want you, all of you.”

  “I won’t hurt you,” he said with such sincerity that I decided my heart was his to destroy.

  I turned slightly and opened the door to my room. I was about to sit on the bed when Sawyer spoke, “Wait.” He walked over and kissed me gently. “I like that you’re soft.” He trailed full lips down my jaw and neck. I felt his hand grab the zipper to my wetsuit and he gradually pulled it down. My body was shaking with anticipation. He cupped my breast with his hand and caressed the peak with his thumb. “Your curves are flawless.” I felt weak like I was floating. He pushed the wetsuit off my arms and traced his fingers up my back and released the clasp of my bra and it fell to the floor. I let out a small needy sound as he kissed the top of my breast and tasted my skin with his tongue. I pulled at his shirt. I wanted it off.

  “Sawyer,” I said my voice just a breath. He reached behind his neck and pulled his shirt off over his head. My bare breasts now touching his warm chest sent my body aflame. Sawyer’s scars protruded more in the light. I didn’t mind, they were part of him, part of his past. They reminded me what he had gone through, fighting for his country. He was a hero. He was so beautiful. I pulled my nails across his rigid abs and a low rumble sounded in his throat. He kneeled before me and kissed my stomach. He pulled my shorts and panties down with a quick tug. I was naked, completely bare to him. I should have felt self-conscious, but I didn’t. The way he looked at me then, with an expression of awe told me I had nothing to worry about. He softly kneaded the back of my thighs with his hands. The rough skin of his fingers against my legs sent me reeling. The pressure of his hands felt incredible. He pressed his lips to my right inner thigh and bit lightly at the surface with his teeth. I could barely stand.

  “Sit.” He looked up at me from his kneeling position. His eyes were dark and serious. His tone did not imply that I had a choice and I was happy to comply.

  I took her braid in my hand and started to untie it, the hair fell in dark waves around her shoulders. Goose bumps erupted across her flesh as I scooped the hair away from her neck so I could taste her skin again. She made a soft sound that made my whole body constrict with pleasure. I gently laid her back on the bed. She looked at me then with bright eyes, her lips parting with so much expectation it took my breath away. I had never once felt so safe in my entire life. I knew I could be with her forever and be the guy I’d always hoped I was still underneath all the garbage I thought had finally permeated.

  I placed kisses down her stomach to her hip. I planned to taste every inch of this gorgeous creature. My hand wrapped around her perfect calf. Her skin was like satin. I felt my control slipping. I breathed in the sweet scent of her skin as I moved my mouth up her leg. The noises she made as I savored her intimately, the soft gasps and mewling had me ready to explode. I felt her body break against my mouth, she cried out my name and pulled my hair tight. From between her legs, I looked at her flushed face with ardor.

  “Sawyer, please,” she moaned. I lifted my body and took her mouth with mine. The need to take her surged through me as she kissed me greedily, her scent still on my lips. She reached for the buckle of my jeans. I stood and removed the rest of my clothing. I placed my gun on her night stand. She watched me now. My body scorched with need. Elizabeth looked up at me like I was a God. I rested my body over hers. She was tiny under my weight and I felt as if I could break her. I kissed her with reverence, she deserved to be cherished. I kissed her cheeks, her jaw, and her neck. I nipped her shoulder. I drew long lines down her ribs, my hands firm against the give of her hip. Her soft stomach against my hard body felt divine. I wanted to be seated inside her, worshipping her and giving her everything she needed.

  “Sawyer, I trust you,” Elizabeth’s voice whispered in my ear, breaking the last string of my restraint. I pushed inside her and she gasped in surprise. My entire body coiled tight, begging for relief.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, nervous that I had hurt her.

  “Yes,” she said in a breathy voice.

  Elizabeth was everything I needed and wanted. Her body fit mine like a missing puzzle piece. She was inside me just as much as I was inside her. Our rhythm picked up as did our breathing. Sweat beaded on our skin and the sound of our bodies coming together had me almost growling. She came undone again and I felt like a God as I watched her body quake and shiver below me. I pulled her up so she was straddling me. I wanted to feel her pressed against me when I fell apart.

  She placed her mouth touching me with a deep insatiable kiss. Her stomach and breasts were burning against my body. My hand entwined in her hair as I pulled her head back, my teeth drew gently on the delicate skin of her throat. I groaned as I lifted her hips pulling her body up and then down.

  “Fuck…” I started to lose control. Elizabeth’s legs trembled and her body tightened around me in every way. I stilled as my own found its release. I pumped my hips one last hard time. My voice, hoarse, ripped with a groan as I called out her name, “Elizabeth.”

  The clock on the night stand told me it was very late and early. Elizabeth and I spent the better part of the evening learning each other’s body like we were studying for the most important test of our lives. I was completely spent. Her delicate cheek rested on my chest and I slowly tickled her back with my fingertips. Elizabeth’s breathing was measured. I figured she was fast asleep. Tonight was the best night of my life. Falling for Liz was no longer an issue, I was in deep. This past week was a whirlwind.

  I never thought I’d be a guy who could possibly fall in love with someone in a week, but I had. It wasn’t really just a week though. I obsessed about her for over a month, after first meeting her at that show. Hell, I had obsessed about her before I could put a name to her face. I had her in my life now and I wasn’t letting her go. Maybe desire was clouding my judgment, but I didn’t really think so. The universe stopped her at that light next to my car for a reason. She was damaged, but not broken. The fact she witnessed the death of her parents and she still functioned was beyond me. She must’ve had one hell of a therapist. Elizabeth was my redemption. I felt I could conquer anything with her by my side.

  I placed a loose hair behind her ear and then kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I think I’m falling in love with you,” my voice was quiet. I wasn’t worried she would hear what I had professed. She was lost in her dreams.

  “I think I’m falling in love with you,” Sawyer’s voice was almost imperceptible, but I heard those bold words.
I wanted to speak to him. I knew deep down though that I wasn’t supposed to hear that. He loved me. Never in a million years did I think I could be loved by such a man. He must be hung over with lust. I knew without a doubt I was totally head over heels for this guy. So why couldn’t he feel the same about me? I remembered back when I had sessions with Julia, my therapist, she told me to embrace life. I wasn’t supposed to hold on to misconceptions and expectations. I needed to be happy for me, not on the world’s time clock.

  I liked how he made me feel, what he did to my body. Tonight I lost my chains. I felt free with him and wasn’t embarrassed about how I responded to him physically. I wasn’t ashamed of the tears of bliss that fell from my eyes when I cried out with an intensity only he could coax from me. I’d lost count how many times he brought me to the brink, over the edge and back down to earth. I wasn’t afraid to tell him everything.

  Sawyer was the first person to not define me by my parents’ deaths. My past felt so far away when I was with him. I could let it go. Let them go. My parents’ faces haunted me every night since that day twelve years ago. I was ready to set the memory free. I felt loved and I wanted him to feel the same. His childhood was dark and I wanted to shed light onto him, fill his heart with the white light of love, evicting the blackness that I saw flash across his eyes when he thought deeply to himself. I wanted him to get better with me. This was crazy. This man, this idea, this night. I loved him and whatever demons he had, my heart was ready to move on to something better, and that was Sawyer.

  His breathing became even and I chanced a look at his face. His dark eyelashes fanned down. He looked like an arc angel. I situated myself on my side so that my body rested against his. I placed my head on his shoulder and kissed his cheek.

  “I love you, too,” I whispered touching the skin of his cheek with my lips. “I do.”