Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  His breathing stopped and I recognized when I looked up that he would be awake. I lifted up on my forearm and we watched each other in a deep silence.

  “You do?” his voice was thick with emotion as it broke through the heavy quiet.

  “I do.”

  He released a long shuddered breath. “I don’t think… I mean, I can count on one hand how many times I have heard that.” His voice wavered and I could tell he was summoning all his strength to keep it together.

  “Well, it’s true. I do. It’s new and fresh and I don’t know how feelings like this can be so strong so quickly, but I’m not going to deny it. I mean what’s the point in denying? It will only make me miserable and I have had enough misery in my life.” I looked down into his eyes. He seemed lost.

  “My father first hit me when I was seven. I think it was because I spilled my drink, I can’t really remember. I told my mom and she just brushed it off… just brushed it off, you know, no big deal. It got worse, and by the end of that year he had broken my nose twice and my back was riddled with bruises, some old, some new. I was able to explain away my injuries. Gavin, my dad, kept most of them hidden. I had lots of sports injuries. People believe what they want, so they don’t have to see.

  “I was thirteen the first time I caught him with a woman. I thought I heard my mom so I went into their room, I watched as he screwed some slut from behind in his own marital bed. This was just the beginning, of course. I found out that he really liked prostitutes. He could be as depraved with them as he wanted.” He grit his teeth together.

  I couldn’t help the tear that escaped, I knew he wouldn’t want my pity. I knew he was letting me in and I just needed to listen. He was deep in his memories and I had to let him cleanse his heart of the words that had been trapped for who knows how long.

  “I developed a stutter, I was terrified of him. He broke my arm once, a bad compound fracture. When I caught him with that chick the first time he picked me up and threw me against the banister. I was so afraid of puking on the floor that I didn’t notice my bone was sticking through the skin. He hated vomit. I was sick with the flu once when I was nine, I threw up on the carpet. He kicked me so hard in the ribs, I think he broke one. I was trying to clean it, but the kick made me vomit again. I remember choking. I couldn’t breathe from the blow to my ribs, but the bile kept coming. I thought I was going to die…” he pauses for a second. “The fracture brought me the ER, he left me alone and I blamed it on a soccer accident. I should have told someone. Oh God Elizabeth, my mother, my damn mother, she didn’t do a thing, not a thing. I fucking hate her.” A strangled sob broke free from his throat and his chest rose with suppressed grief.

  “It’s okay, Sawyer. Sweetheart, look at me.” He turned and faced me. Sawyer’s eyes were wet and rimmed with red. If possible, my heart grew in size. How could this man endure so much? I loved him, I knew for sure then. I loved him with everything that I was and could be.

  “I love you. I love that you have enough faith in me to trust me with all of you. I can’t imagine what it felt like to be a scared little boy, living in fear. I think I would have prayed for the death of my father. I know what it feels like to lose parents, but I don’t think I would have mourned your father. I don’t think you hate your mom, Sawyer, maybe she was scared too. My therapist told me I needed to put myself in my parents’ shoes and try to have empathy for what they did. I still struggle with that, but I try. What she did was messed up, but try to figure out the why, maybe talk to her.”

  I felt his hands caress my cheeks. “I came here for that reason, to Ogden. I wanted to try to reconcile with her. Every time I headed to their house, I turned around. I’m not ready. I have so much anger still. Until I met you, I felt lost. When I saw you in your car singing at that red light, I knew then, I knew that I needed you.”

  My mind was swimming. “What?”

  “I first saw you on my way home from practice. I pulled up to a red light on Washington Boulevard. It was in September. It was warm, so my windows were down and so were yours. I saw you, you were jamming out. I thought you were so pretty. I smiled and embarrassed you actually.”

  I remembered now. “I felt so stupid. Oh my Gosh, that was you? You were hot!” I giggled.

  He laughed and gave me the best smile I’d ever seen, his dimple out in full force.

  “Seriously, I’m so glad I found you. I don’t think I was meant to do this on my own. That sounds ludicrous doesn’t it?”

  “No, I don’t think so.” I kissed his lips.

  “I love you, Elizabeth. God help me, but I do.”

  Our lips met once again, successfully putting an end to the conversation. I craved his touch, my body moving with his, joining with him, becoming one person, one whole. It’s all we ever needed.

  It was early dawn, the pink and warm yellow rays cast down through the open shades. I looked down at Elizabeth and watched her as she slept. Her dark chocolate waves fanned across the pillow. Her red plump lips were parted as the soft sound of sleep escaped with each breath. My head on my pillow, I watched in fascination. Lying here with her, it was hard to think less than a year ago I was floating in the ocean with my team. In the open water, I was free from my past. I loved the sensation of jumping from a helicopter with no parachute. The seawater taking you in as its own. Here, with her, it was better.

  It was dangerous to think this way. To let her in, to have her take me in as her own. I’d crossed the point of no return. She was the open water now, and I wanted to be lost at sea.

  Greg Warren was not what I was expecting. He appeared older than Sawyer by maybe ten years. He was very tall and muscular like Sawyer, but softer somewhat. He seemed to have fewer hard lines. His eyes were such a deep brown and hair was a nice glossy black. He was the definition of tall, dark and handsome. We had been sitting at The Pizza Pub for about thirty minutes. It was interesting to watch Sawyer interact with Greg. The testosterone was thick as they each tried to one-up each other. I lovingly called this act of masculinity peacocking. Greg and Sawyer had tried to show little old me who had the most colorful plumage. I couldn’t laugh any harder at their jabs to each other.

  Greg had apparently been the one instrumental in Sawyer starting his career as a SEAL. ‘Special Warfare Mentor’ is what Sawyer had called him. Sawyer had been instrumental in helping Greg land Mackenzie. She was a friend of Sawyer’s and apparently Mack and Sawyer had been an item once. Sitting in the dark pizzeria, drinking stout beer, watching the man I was falling for deeper each day, talk animatedly with his friend made my heart smile.

  “So Elizabeth, Sawyer tells me you volunteer at the VA?” Greg looked at me with what I swore was a twinkle in his eye.

  “Yes, I try to go twice a month. I’m majoring in recreation therapy. I want to help people with art. That sounds pretty silly, huh?” I felt so awkward talking about this little aspiration of mine when these men had seen so much.

  “Silly? I wouldn’t say so. I think it’s pretty damn honorable. PTSD is a real thing. Our vets young and old suffer. I know I do and I know Sawyer does. You can’t see and do what we have and not have some sort of leftover bullshit in your head.” Greg took a large pull of his beer.

  I looked at Sawyer and noticed he seemed uncomfortable. I tried to make eye contact with him, but he wouldn’t look at me. I was worried what Greg had said was bothering him. Was he worried about how my parents’ death factored into this conversation?

  “PTSD isn’t just for war vets either, lots of people have trauma and can’t work through it. We lose so many people in this world to suicide if I can help one person choose life, just one… I’d be happy, I think,” my voice shook. I felt naked talking about this. Sawyer looked up at me then and smiled. His lips spread brilliant across his face like he was… proud?

  “She’s pretty fucking incredible brother, keep her close.” Greg winked at me and took the last sip of his beer into his mouth.

  “Oh, I don’t know about that... ” I smiled brightly
trying to hide my embarrassment at the compliment.

  “You’re perfect cricket, don’t ever think less.” Sawyer leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “So when is Mack getting here? I’m dying to see her. She said she wouldn’t be here till next week, but she’s here sooner and I’m stoked,” Sawyer asked Greg. My heart jumped at the mention of her. I knew that she was a person close to Sawyer at one point. I knew she was with Greg, but it still felt weird to meet someone who’d been intimate with Sawyer.

  “She should be here any minute. I might be drunk before she gets here, but you know her, always late,” Greg snickered.

  About two beers later I watched as one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen walked across the pub.

  “Bull! Oh my fucking hell, get your sexy ass over here and hug me.”

  “Mack… nice to know you still have a dirty mouth.” Sawyer’s face pulled into such an immense smile, my heart hurt for a split-second.

  She had to be five foot ten. She was built like she was in the gym every day for at least two hours. She had black, long luscious curls that lightened at the tips. Her skin was perfectly tanned and smooth, not too dark, not too light. She was textbook flawlessness and the complete opposite of me. I straightened in my seat. I watched as Sawyer’s massive frame fit just right with hers. His arms pulling her close, she laughed and whispered something in his ear. I watched as he broke out into a deep booming laugh. I felt insignificant. I felt like a little girl at the adult table.

  “Hey, get your paws off my girl,” Greg teased.

  “Oh shut your damn mouth, I haven’t seen this kid in forever. Plus, Bull’s paws were on me before you.” She winked at Greg and I almost spit my beer out of my mouth.

  “Always got to bring that up you little slut.” Greg laughed as Mack, thank you God, finally released my boyfriend from her to-die-for arms.

  “Bull?” I looked up at Sawyer with my eyebrow cocked in a question mark. I also might have looked a bit pissed because his face fell just a smidge when he looked at me.

  “You must be Elizabeth? Well, hells bells, I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Mackenzie. I sure hope you’ve heard about me or I may have to castrate this idiot.” She flashed Sawyer and Greg a beaming smile.

  “She’s the only person who calls me Bull.” Sawyer’s throat moved as he swallowed hard.

  Uneasiness filled the atmosphere for what felt like a full minute before Mack laughed full force as she took her seat.

  “I’m sure other ladies have felt like calling you Bull.” She smiled suggestively as she started to drink Greg’s beer.

  “Okay, that’s enough babe, I don’t need to hear that shit,” Greg chuckled and pulled her close, possessively. I squirmed a bit. I didn’t even want to look at Sawyer. I knew I wasn’t the only person he’d ever been with, but I didn’t need details. I didn’t know how Greg could think this was funny.

  “Seriously,” I mumbled under my breath, no one wanted to hear that shit.

  Sawyer must have heard me. “Mack, you’re such an asshole. She calls me Bull because I’m stubborn as hell, she’s just messing with you. She wants to check the thickness of your skin.” He shook his head and took a swig of his beer.

  “Oh well, I should hope I passed that awful test.”

  Mack laughed and nodded her head. “If I could have taken a picture of your face though, it was priceless. I probably would have punched a bitch. Thanks for not punching this bitch.” She winked at me and I smiled. Maybe she wasn’t so bad. I needed to be more confident. She was with Greg and Sawyer loved me. I hated being a dumb girl sometimes.

  We drank a lot of beer. The pizza was delicious as usual and the night really had turned into a roast of Sawyer. I listened as Greg and Mackenzie told me stories about this man I had fallen for so quickly. I got the 411 in Sawyer 101. I heard about how Sawyer was always top in everything he did. I loved that he seemed self-conscious of such commendations. Mack deftly avoided any topic regarding them together, which I silently wanted to hug her for. I heard funny, sad and horribly humiliating stories of the shenanigans Sawyer was capable of. I loved learning more about him through his friends. I watched as he laughed and squirmed. He was extraordinary.

  I was also interrogated. The more intoxicated Mack got the more personal the questions. The more intoxicated I got, the easier it was to fess up to all my secrets. I think at one point I confessed to losing my virginity to Todd. Sawyer looked pale when that little gem of a revelation came up. Mack was curious about me. I liked that she seemed to care for Sawyer enough to make sure I was good enough for him. By the time we were ready to leave we were all so drunk we took a cab back to Sawyer’s apartment.

  I was grateful Todd wasn’t home. According to Sawyer, he had a swim meet earlier and was with the guys from the team celebrating. I’d forgiven Todd, but I still hadn’t spoken to him since the Halloween party. I also wasn’t sure how he would feel about being around Sawyer and me without the buffer of Emma.

  “Can I get you guys some water?” Sawyer asked.

  “Yeah man, let me help you.” Greg and Sawyer left the living room leaving Mack and I alone for the first time. I could hear Greg’s loud laughter from the kitchen. I felt nervous all of a sudden as I watched Mackenzie sit on the couch.

  “So where are you and Greg staying while you’re here?” I hated small talk, I was definitely nervous.

  “Eager to get rid of us already?” She smiled and her bright teeth shined.

  “Oh, no, that’s not what—”

  “I know, I’m just kidding. We’re staying at the Holiday Inn. Nothing too fancy. We’re going to stay till the closing.” She smiled up at me as I sat next to her on the couch. The smile didn’t reach her eyes and I felt uneasy all over again. She was so intimidating.

  “I’m going to be straight with you…” she whispered and I swallowed a huge lump in my throat. I had a feeling she had something to say to me the minute I met her. When she placed her hand on my knee and looked at me with watery eyes, I stopped feeling jealous. I realized what she was about to say, meant a great deal to her.

  “I love Sawyer with all my heart. That man has been there for me in more ways than he knows. I can tell he is full on, full force in love with you.” My heart picked up its pace with her words. “He is so vulnerable around you. I’ve never seen him like this. Ever. Period. There is something so closed off and dangerous about him. His appeal though, right?” She chuckled to herself and continued. My stomach started to turn. “But with you, he’s different. Happy I think, and that makes me happy. But Elizabeth, these men, these beautiful heroes, they struggle and you need to be prepared, okay? Mood swings, nightmares, violent outbursts. Not to mention the guilt, oh the guilt that they carry. When he loses it, you need to be the strong one, you will have to carry him out of the battle. Promise me you can do that? Because if you can’t, you need to walk away now. He doesn’t need a coward. You’re not a coward though are you?” She grinned with so much hope as the stubborn line of my chin raised at her challenge. “Nope. Not a coward. Promise me, Liz.”

  “I don’t need to promise you. I know my heart and I know I love him. Everything about him.”

  “You’ve known him a little over a month,” her tone doubtful.

  “I know how it may seem… you want a promise? Fine. I promise to carry him out of his darkest battle. Every. Damn. Time.” I enunciated every word. “Do I know everything about him? No, you’re right. We still have so much to learn and I can’t wait for it. Even the ugly. Because Mack, I’ve already been to hell and back in my own life, I have my own nightmares. So when his start to come on full force, you can rest assured I am an experienced fighter.” I exhaled and sat up straight.

  She appraised me and then exhaled a large breath of air as well. “That-a-girl! Well, shit, glad we got that talk done.”

  “What talk?” Sawyer looked at us apprehensively.

  “Oh you know, I was telling her how you really like it when a girl—”

  “Mack
! Shut your face, woman!” Greg shook his head with mock disdain.

  It was amazing having the three best people I’ve ever known together. It was bittersweet when Mack and Greg left for the hotel. The cab had left about ten minutes ago. Even though Mack could be abrasive as hell, I knew her and Liz would get along great. I was curious what they spoke about when Greg and I were in the kitchen. I lifted Liz’s hand to my mouth and placed gentle kisses on each knuckle. Her tiny body was sprawled across the couch. I loved running my fingers through her hair.

  “So… what did you and Mackenzie talk about?”

  “You know, girl stuff.” She looked up at me through her thick dark lashes. Her sapphire eyes hiding something, some secret.

  “Mm hmm, really? It seemed pretty heavy when we walked in.”

  “She was playing the part of momma bear or maybe big brother? She was just looking out for you.”

  My jaw tensed. “Looking out for me how, Elizabeth?”

  “It was nothing, sweetheart.” Liz sat up and turned toward me. My body felt tight. I hated secrets. Secrets could only destroy, I knew this all too well. “Seriously, calm down.” She moved in to kiss me and I backed away. “Sawyer?”

  My voice felt unsteady. I hated that I was this angry. “What did she say?” I demanded.

  Elizabeth reached out and touched my face. She leaned in and I let her kiss me this time. I needed to calm the hell down. Her lips grazed the corner of my mouth. “She made me promise…” She kissed me again. “Promise to always be there for you, carry you out of your battles, like right now…” Her mouth was soft against mine. I closed my eyes and deepened the kiss.

  “Did you?” I whispered.

  “Did I what?” her voice was forgiving as she lifted my shirt over my head.

  “Promise?”

  “Yes. Sawyer, I will always be there for you, no matter what.” She sat astride of my waist facing me.

  “You’re amazing, you know that?” I shuttered as she pulled her palm down my ribcage.