Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “Sawyer!” He was losing it, I was losing him. “Listen, please baby calm down. Should we call Teri?”

  “I’m sorry Elizabeth,” his face crumbled. “I shouldn’t scare you more than you already are. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you. You’re everything, and I have to… I have to... I have to go.” His tone was calm, but his breathing was rapid.

  “Go where? Stop. Okay, this situation is crazy. I love you, damn it!”

  Sawyer pulled up his jeans and rummaged through the closet.

  “Stop getting dressed and listen,” I screamed through my tears. He was running and if I let him out that door, I was afraid he’d never come back. He pulled his sweater over his head and grabbed his truck keys from the dresser.

  “Please don’t leave me alone,” I pleaded. He walked over to me with caution. When he reached out this time, I didn’t flinch. He caressed my cheek and looked down at my throat.

  “I left marks,” his voice was full of regret and remorse.

  “They will heal. I know you could never hurt me on purpose. I’m sure there is something we can do. Some medicine you can take to help with the nightmares. You haven’t had a nightmare in months, Sawyer. He triggered it, didn’t he? Harper Pike?”

  “Yes, I think so,” his voice had a throaty quality. He looked down at my lips with his bloodshot eyes. The green stood out against the red.

  “We could call, Teri?” I tried to make my voice soothing. I couldn’t fail him.

  “I can’t bring you any deeper into this, Liz, I can’t. You’re going to get hurt,” he cursed. “You’re already hurt. Look what I did!” His fury with himself was boiling again. His hands balled into fists.

  “Sawyer, please, let’s figure this out. What was the nightmare about?”

  “How do you not hate me right now?” Sawyer looked at me with a childlike expression on his face, my chest felt tight. I rubbed my sternum trying to release the constricted feeling that was threatening to stop my breathing.

  “Because I love you. I trust you. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I know you would go to great lengths so this never happened again.”

  “You’re right. I need to leave. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t risk—”

  “You’re not leaving. Damn it Sawyer!” I threw my trembling hands down to my side.

  “I just need to think. I’ll leave the Jeep. The Dodge is parked out front anyway.”

  “What was the dream about?” I yelled again, but he wasn’t listening.

  “I’m not sure actually. I was dreaming about the time I was imprisoned, remember I told you about that. How on my last deployment I almost didn’t make it home.” I inwardly cringed. I hated that story, to think of Sawyer dead in the desert, it was unthinkable. “Then the nightmare switched… it switched to a dream, or a memory I’d forgotten I had. I’m not sure. I need to think… I need to get away for a minute.” He looked down at my lips again then he bent down and placed a kiss gently across the corner of my mouth. “I’m going to miss you.”

  “Sawyer, what the hell does that mean?” He turned and headed for the front of the house. “Sawyer,” my voice broke. He stopped short. He looked as if he was going to turn around, but then thought better of it. “Please just take the time you need. Call Teri, but don’t give up on us. I deserve better than that.” I hoped this last effort to keep him here, where he belonged with me, would work.

  Without turning to look at me, he bowed his head and opened the front door. My hope dashed out like a flame in the wind. The taut feeling in my chest returned. I felt as if I was going to drown.

  “You’re right again, you do deserve better.”

  I watched as the door shut. I was confused, hurt, scared and most of all, lost.

  Without him, I was lost.

  The light of the dashboard cast soft shadows across the truck. Elizabeth’s voice pleading with me to stay haunted me. The hard music coming from the speakers sent me spiraling down, my mood dark and repentant.

  What had I done?

  How could I let that happen?

  My fingers ached with regret.

  The one thing I said I’d never do, hurt her like my father had hurt me and my mother, and I’d let it happen. I pushed down on the accelerator, speeding into the blackness of the night.

  The snow was heavy and I didn’t care. I couldn’t care less if I lived or died at that point.

  I’d failed her.

  I looked out the window. It had been three hours since he left. The snow swirled in thick clouds. I watched as the drifts had begun to get deeper along the long driveway. Sawyer was out in this blizzard, driving. He wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. I never thought I could worry about another person like this again. I was afraid for him and fuming. How could he put me through this anxiety? I grabbed my phone and pushed his number.

  “Answer, your damn phone,” I shouted into the darkened bedroom. He didn’t pick up. I tried texting him for the twentieth time.

  Me: Sawyer, please, damn it. Just tell me you’re alive. Safe. I love you. I can’t handle this.

  Tears started pouring down my cheeks. I wasn’t going to hold back anymore.

  Me: I’ve already lost so much. I feel like I’m in my parents’ kitchen again. I’m ten all over again, Sawyer. Please God, call me, text me. You’re forgiven, you were sleeping. Baby, please!

  I started pacing again. I had to leave the bedroom. His scent invaded everything. In the kitchen, I stopped pacing. Fear and anger took hold.

  “I can’t do this again,” I screamed so loud my throat burned. I needed to break something. I grabbed glasses, dishes, anything in my way and smashed them. Glass shards shattered in a mismatched symphony of pain, but I felt no relief. I needed to get out of here. I walked carefully around my destruction and grabbed my coat and keys. I sent a quick text to Todd.

  Me: I’m coming over. Need you.

  Todd: Um, ok?

  My phone chirped again. Just before I could get annoyed with Todd for texting me for an explanation, I saw Sawyer’s name. My heart almost jumped out of my chest. I swore.

  Sawyer: Elizabeth, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize what leaving would do to you. I’m so damn selfish. I just need some time to figure shit out. I’ll be back, okay? Before the week is over. I think.

  Me: You think?

  Sawyer: I just need time. I’m grateful that you forgive me already. I just can’t put you through that again. So I need to do what I need to, to ensure it never happens again. I can’t promise you anything right now. Just know that I love you. Everything I do is for you.

  Me: Call me, please.

  I stared down at my phone willing it to ring. Five minutes later it finally did.

  “Sawyer,” I gasped.

  “Fuck, Liz I’m so sorry.”

  “Where are you?” I tried to hold back my tears. My throat felt confined. “I need you here, with me.”

  Sawyer let out a wounded sigh. “I wish I could give you that.”

  “Where are you Sawyer?”

  “I’m safe, I stopped for the night.” He was quiet for a moment. I gave him the time he needed to assemble his thoughts. “I can’t end up like him. I can’t. He’s worse than I ever thought possible. That dream Lizzie... just give me time. I should just stay away. Set you free… ” He paused again, leaving my mind racing for an argument. I couldn’t lose him. I was about to speak, but he started talking again, “I should, you know that, but I’m too self-centered, and I love you way too damn much.”

  I started to cry. “I love you too damn much too. Just come home.”

  “You have to trust me. You’re my home, Elizabeth. I need you to breathe, I need you to feel, I need you so fucking much it hurts. But deep to the core, I know I’ve failed you and I need to fix things before I can… before… I don’t know. I just need a little time.”

  As much as it hurt to say I had to say it. “Take your time, Sawyer. I’ll be here. Please just let me know you’re safe. I can’t deal with the fear of yo
u dead in the ditch somewhere.”

  “Okay. I’ll send you a text tomorrow. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Goodnight… you.” I hit the end button on my phone and collapsed onto the couch, the disquiet filling my heart again. Even though I got to talk to him, he wasn’t here with me. I sent Todd a text explaining that the weather was too bad to drive and I’d call him in the morning with an explanation. I shouldn’t have texted him in the first place. Sawyer thought he was selfish. He had nothing on me.

  It’s been three days since I left. The drive out was horrible. I felt like such an asshole not answering her texts. I didn’t want her to convince me to turn around. I knew she would try to tell me it was all right, that we could fix it. But what I’d done was wrong on so many levels. I had to put myself in perdition, I had no idea that she would follow me there. When she said she felt ten-years-old all over again, I broke. I couldn’t send her to the pits of hell again. I just couldn’t. As much as it killed me to hear her voice, I had called her and I was glad for it.

  Once the weather let up, I found myself heading to California. I checked into the same rundown rat hole I stayed at every time I was here. I thought about calling Greg or Mack several times. I looked at the clock. It was two in the afternoon. I needed to shower at some point. The dream of the dead girl won’t stop running through my brain, eating away at my eyes.

  Did my father kill someone?

  How could I have forgotten this?

  As I was thinking it through, a knock on my door startled me. I deliberately moved from the bed and grabbed my gun. I hadn’t slept in three days and was a little fried. They pounded on the door this time, several loud raps of a fist, I had to control my breathing.

  “Can I help you?” I shouted from beside the door. My back against the wall.

  “Open the damn door, Sawyer, and put the gun away. It’s just me, you psycho!”

  I exhaled sharply. “Fucking Mackenzie,” I mumbled.

  I opened the door and she smiled. She looked remarkable as usual. She had on tight leather pants and an oversized light looking sweater.

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “You always stay here.” She looked at me like I was an idiot.

  “I mean how did you know I was in California?” I asked as she brushed past me. Mack plopped herself right down on my bed like it was perfectly okay for her to be here.

  “Seriously? You have to ask that question. Oh God Sawyer, you stink!” She threw a bag at me. I hadn’t noticed it at first.

  “What’s this?”

  “Geezus, what’s with the interrogation? Open it, you moron.” Mack cocked her eyebrow up before she continued, “Your lady called me. I knew this is where you’d go.”

  “You did?” I looked into the bag. Fresh clothes. “Oh hell, thanks, Mack.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re welcome,” her tone was quiet. “What’s going on with you?”

  “Didn’t Elizabeth fill you in? Elizabeth! You didn’t tell—”

  “Where you were? No. I should’ve. Bull, she’s a wreck.”

  My heart clenched. “I know… I choked her Mack. I freaked. I… I assaulted my girlfriend! I don’t deserve her at all.” Mackenzie’s eyes started to water. Shaking her head, she looked down at her feet.

  “Bull, tell me one thing before I leave here and never speak to you again, was it worth it?” her voice was strained and eerily quiet.

  I turned my head and looked at her confused. “What? No. It was so messed up. I was sleeping and—”

  “Wait. You were sleeping?” Mack looked up at me with wet lashes and a small hopeful grin on her face.

  “Yes! I wouldn’t purposely choke my damn girlfriend, Mack. What the hell?”

  Mack started to giggle like an idiot. She punched me hard in the arm.

  “Holy shit, Bull, I thought you… I should’ve known better. You’re not that kind of man. Tell me what happened.”

  “I had a crazy ass dream. I was in the desert, then some other crazy shit happened and next thing I know I have a knee to the groin and the love of my life is gasping for air on the floor, shaking like a leaf and scared to death of me.” I hung my head and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. I felt like the worst sort of person.

  “So it was a PTSD thing? You on Prazosin?”

  “No?” I looked at her questioningly.

  “Greg takes it, it helps with his nightmares. Even the worst triggers don’t set him off anymore. I mean he still gets them, but not near as bad. I once had to fight his ass naked. Not. Fun. Crazy man, that one. But I love him.” Mack looked at me and smiled. “There is hope for you yet, Bull. What was the trigger do you think? Was it your Dad?”

  I stiffened. “What do you mean?” I’d never told Mack about my childhood.

  “Bull… ” she proceeded with restraint like I was a tiger trapped in a cage. She reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t felt touch in days and I needed it. “When we were together you had some pretty awful dreams. You talk in your sleep. I figured it out. Just like I knew this is where you’d go. You always come here when you’re hurting. This is where you came when you left home, right?” I pulled away from her touch so that I could look at her. She’d always been so perceptive.

  “Yes, did Greg ever talk about it?”

  “I asked him if I was right about your dad. He confirmed my suspicions, but never betrayed your trust with details.”

  “He’s a good man.”

  “So are you,” she said. I leaned in and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. “You want my advice?” She jumped up from the bed.

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “Um… No… Get showered, pull out your man-tampon and figure out this head case thing you got going on. Call your therapist. I’m telling you, that med is gold.”

  “Did you just tell me to pull out my man-tampon?” I grinned up at her from the bed.

  “Yeah… I did.”

  We both busted out laughing.

  “I’m glad you came, Mack. I needed this. I needed you.” I stood and hugged her.

  “You need Elizabeth and a shower,” she whispered in my ear and then punched me in the gut. I loved that about Mackenzie. She knew when to put you in your place and knew when to hold back.

  “You headed home then?”

  “Yes, clean your ass up and come over for dinner. Six okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Call your damn girl!” She opened the door to the motel. “Oh, and brush your teeth, I almost died when you kissed me. Your breath could be used for biological warfare.”

  I threw the television remote at her, just in time for it to hit the closed door.

  I was clean and in fresh underwear and I felt like a new man. Bless Mack and her ability to know everything. I was feeling better. I had a plan and I wanted to talk to Liz about it, but it had to be in person. I figured I’d work out the specifics with Mack and Greg tonight and see what they thought. I needed to call Elizabeth before I left for Greg’s house. I unplugged my phone from the charger and dialed Liz. I was frightened that maybe one of these days she would stop picking up.

  “Hey you…” I heard a long breath respire on the other end of the phone. “I was getting worried. I hadn’t heard from you today and it’s getting late.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Thanks for calling Mack, she pulled my head out of my ass.”

  “Really?” her voice broke and I could hear the lump in her throat.

  “Yes. I’m here in California. I’m at a motel. She knew where to find me. I think you did too, cricket.”

  “I did?”

  “I think you knew at least how to reach me, reach through to me. I don’t know. I’m going to be home in a few days. I need to see Teri about this medication that helps with PTSD nightmares.”

  “Prazosin?”

  “Yeah?” I sounded unsure.

  “I took it for a bit when I started college, but I don’t need it anymore. Therapy has really helped me
. You just started Sawyer. With therapy and this med, we could be okay. You could feel safe. You can come back to me.”

  “I want that. I miss you so much, baby.”

  She started to sob and I instantly felt guilty. I heard her speak to someone in the background. Something about ‘being okay.’

  “Where are you, cricket?”

  “I’m over at Todd’s parents’ house. I’ve been staying here.”

  “Why?”

  “I needed normalcy, Sawyer. Your place… it smells like you. Every time I go in I break down. I can’t go home alone. I needed—”

  “I know… I know… I’m so sorry. Are you at least going to class?”

  “Yeah.” She sniffled and my heartbeat skipped.

  “I can’t believe you don’t hate me. I’m going to spend a lifetime making this up to you. I have a plan, okay? I’ll be back in a few days. I need to talk with Greg, sort out some things and I’ll be back before you know it. We can fix this,” I took a deep breath and actually believed what I’d said this time.

  “We can. I don’t hate you. I hate what’s happened to you. I hate that you felt you had to leave. I need you to trust me. Stop leaving me out. If this is going to work we have to communicate. I called Julia, I had a session with her today. She thinks we should do couples counseling.”

  I looked down at the ground and sighed. “I’m such a nutcase. We’ve been together less than six months and we’re already in couples counseling.” I laughed bitterly.

  “Sawyer, think about it. We’ve both had major trauma. I’m not fully healed, you definitely are not healed. We can heal together.”

  “You have to be prepared that once we’re healed that we may go separate ways, we may grow apart and that scares the shit out of me.”

  “I know. That’s what Julia said too. I know this doesn’t sound healthy, but I need you too much Sawyer. I don’t think that will ever go away. I think we both need each other too much, maybe with counseling we can need each other in a more healthy way.”