Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  I paused, taking in everything she said. She was so right. I needed her like I needed water. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be strong for her. I didn’t want her as a life raft. I wanted to be a man. I wanted to be her family, someone she could look up to, someone to have kids with. Kids… I was definitely in need of therapy. I chuckled.

  “What’s funny?” I could hear the smile in her voice.

  “Just thinking crazy thoughts. Good crazy, so don’t worry. I like this idea of counseling. Make an appointment for next week.”

  “Really?” she squealed.

  “Really… I’ll do anything to be the man you deserve.”

  “You already are the man I deserve. We both need help navigating each other that’s all,” her voice smiled through the phone.

  “I love you.”

  “And I you. Text me before you go to bed. I want you home. I want to hear this plan of yours. I want to start our life.”

  “I’ll be home soon. Goodnight… you.”

  “Hey! That’s my line,” she snickered.

  I laughed heartily. God she was cute.

  “Bye, sweetheart.”

  “Goodbye, love.”

  I hung up the phone with a smile on my face. It’s the first smile I’d had in days. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was staying in Todd’s old room at his parents’ home. My mascara had run down and I looked like a raccoon. I wiped away the smeared makeup and took a deep breath.

  He was coming home.

  I don’t think I could’ve handled anything less. I praised the gods for Mack. She’s my savior right now. I sent her a thank you text.

  I continued to stare at my reflection. These past few days have been the hardest of my adult life. I never thought anything could bring me to my knees like my parents’ death had. Sawyer leaving, that fear he may have never forgiven himself, that our small chance had been taken away, I was sick. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I’m pretty sure I’d lost weight. Cam and Todd had voiced their worry for me. At first, Todd was ready to find Sawyer and kill him. I quickly reminded him that he had hit me out of anger and that Sawyer was a war hero with PTSD. If anything I should punch Todd for even thinking ill of Sawyer. Still, I understood. Cam and Todd loved me and wanted me to be happy and safe.

  I headed downstairs to where Todd and Cam were watching a movie. I was headed for the stairs to the basement when Mrs. Dixon called out to me.

  “Lizzie? Is that you?” her voice always soothed me. She was my mother just as much as she was Todd’s. I stopped and detoured to the kitchen. Like some sitcom on television, she was standing there with an apron on making cookies. It smelled amazing. I was comforted even more by the smile that lit up her face. She knew I was feeling better just by looking at me.

  Karen was beautiful for an older woman. I mean she always looked just right. I didn’t know how she did it. Unlike my mother, she had Todd at twenty-eight instead of eighteen. She was ten years my mother’s senior. Even though she had two boys, two years apart she hadn’t even batted an eye when it was time to take me in as her own.

  She had long blonde hair with grey smattered throughout, big brown eyes and her skin was flawless. She was always doing something - volunteering, working out at the gym, organizing world peace. She was sort of perfection personified. I loved her like a mom.

  “Karen, why are you making cookies?” I jumped up on the kitchen counter and attempted to swipe a cookie from the rack. She swatted my hand.

  “Colby wanted some. I swear, even though, that boy is twenty-one he acts seven still.” She laughed as she continued to place the cookies to cool. They looked amazing. Without looking up from her work she continued, “So how’d the phone call go?”

  “Good, he’s coming home. We’re going to see Julia next week and I’m pretty sure he’s going to talk with his doctor about some medicine to help with his dreams.”

  Karen looked at me, her eyes locked with mine. Her brow creased. “What if the medication doesn’t work, sweetie? What if next time, he… he… What if you couldn’t stop him?” Her eyes began to fill with wetness. I looked at her hands and noticed they were trembling. I took her right hand in mine.

  “I thought of that. Believe me. I don’t want to be afraid of the man I love, Karen. He said he has a plan and I trust that. He’s never once threatened me out of anger. He wasn’t all there.”

  “That’s what’s scaring me, Lizzie.”

  “Listen. I can’t make you not worry, but I know Sawyer. He won’t ever let this happen again. I don’t know how, but he just won’t.”

  “Todd said he’s a good guy.” Her heavy brown eyes begged me for reassurance.

  My lips turned up at the corners. “He’s an incredible guy. When he’s back I’ll bring him over. The things he’s done, he’s so brave and strong and creative. His business is thriving. He forms such incredible pieces out of wood. It’s just so remarkable. I know you’ll love him.” I jumped down from the counter and gave Karen a huge hug.

  She pulled away and looked me in the eyes, she smiled and then quickly looked away.

  “How about we have him over for your birthday dinner? It’s next Friday.”

  I hated celebrating my birthday. “Just another year Karen, no big deal.” I helped split the cookie dough out into even portions on the baking pan.

  “That’s nonsense dear. You’re going to be twenty-three. Todd always hated being one of the oldest in your class you know? He loves your birthday, it helps him feel less old.” She laughed enthusiastically. “Both of my boys having birthdays in December wasn’t easy, always complaining that they had to wait so long…” She giggled. “Little did they know back then, a year is a year.”

  I started to chuckle as well. I remembered how much they both hated sharing a birthday month. Always so competitive, Todd and Colby were relentless to each other. I was making a plate of baked cookies to bring downstairs when a hot burst of pain came across my back side.

  “What the hell!” I almost dropped the cookies.

  “Damn Lizzie, when did your ass get so tight?” Colby snickered while rubbing his palm.

  Karen gasped. “Colby! Language!”

  “Sorry Momma.” He looked at me and winked. I shook my head. Colby had grown up. He looked like a man now, tall and built just like Todd. I’d swear they were almost twins. Big brown eyes like their mom and blond to boot.

  I leaned into his ear and whispered, “Since I started running three days a week. Touch my ass again and I’ll kick you in the nuts, little brother.” I headed for the basement stairs.

  “I am not your brother.” Colby smiled suggestively at me.

  “Ewe, stop flirting, it grosses me out.” I watched as his eyes bugged. I made a run for it down the stairs. I heard him curse under his breath and I made it to the last stair before I heard him take chase. I screamed and a giggle erupted from my mouth. I really missed this sometimes.

  “What the freak!” Cam screamed as I jumped over Todd. He was sprawled out on the floor. The cookies in my hand went flying to the ground. Colby bounded down the stairs like an elephant. I took a defensive position behind the couch.

  “Liz, the cookies. Damn it!” Cam hopped up from the couch and started picking up the chocolate chip disaster that now lay on the floor.

  “Seriously, what the hell?” Todd looked up at his brother in annoyance.

  “Your ass is mine, Lizzie.” He ignored Todd, Colby’s smile was wicked. He started to the right side of the couch and I countered left. He then went left, so I went right. He did this a few times. Cam and Todd watched us, each with different expressions. Cam’s face was lit by a bright smile and Todd looked pissed. I was distracted by his facial expression. The distraction gave Colby the chance to leap onto and over the couch and he tackled me to the ground. I was all snickers and squeals. He pinned down my arms and straddled my waist. Somewhere in the background I heard Cam’s laughter. I cried out to her for help.

  Colby bent down and started to whisper in my ear, “I got you
now big sister, what’re you going to do about it?” He playfully grinned down at me while I tried to buck him off of me. I struggled and grunted. It was useless. He was all force.

  “Cut the shit, Colby,” Todd’s tone was not amused.

  Disregarding Todd yet again, Colby looked down at me and gave me the gamiest sneer.

  “Don’t even think about it, Colby… Colby!” I squealed as he licked the side of my face from chin to ear. “Oh God, that’s disgusting,” I squawked and shook my head. Colby hadn’t done that since I was twelve.

  “So, that’s how the Dixon boys do it. Glad I never went there.” Cameron’s cackle was antagonizing. Todd just shook his head.

  “Uh? You want some of this, Cammie?” Colby finally released me. I sat up and watched him take on his predator stance again. He was wearing a snug, white, long sleeved shirt that wrapped nicely around his biceps. The shirt had our university’s football team logo on the front. It stretched tight across his broad chest. I recognized then that he was taller and bulkier than Todd.

  “You guys are being stupid. I’m going to get more cookies,” Todd grumbled as he headed upstairs.

  Cam squeaked and shrieked as Colby chased her around the couch. I was laughing so hard my stomach muscles hurt. Cameron had no chance against him. The Dixon boys were complete athletes. He grabbed her and easily brought her to the floor. His smile was different with her. I couldn’t place why, but it just was. His face was red. He was obviously riled up. He pinned her down, just like he had with me. Cam’s laugh died down and the mood in the room shifted. I watched as Colby’s breathing became deeper. I suddenly felt like a third wheel and I desperately wanted to leave that room.

  Colby looked at Cameron with a hungry glare. “This is how a real Dixon man does it,” he spoke in a hushed tone and before she could protest he placed his lips on hers.

  At first, I thought she’d knee him in the groin, but no such thing happened. To my complete surprise and shock, she kissed him back, apparently, forgetting all about her boyfriend, Barry. It was like a bad car wreck - I couldn’t look away. He released her arms and I watched as she laced them around his neck deepening the kiss. A low growl emanated from his chest as his hands found her face. I cleared my throat to try and break up the spectacle. Nothing. My mind was reeling.

  “What the hell?” Todd yelled from the bottom stair. I startled, Colby stopped abruptly and looked at Cam, who subsequently looked right back at Colby. A slow heated grin spread across her face.

  “Now that’s a kiss.” She brought her fingertips to her lips. I giggled. She turned her head to me and giggled right back.

  “Has everyone lost their damn mind?” Todd looked at me like I was to blame.

  “What did I do?” I furrowed my brow in confusion.

  “Nothing. I just figured since about an hour ago I couldn’t get you to smile because, oh I don’t know, your boyfriend ran off to who knows where, and now you’re down here laughing like a school girl.”

  “Excuse me? Don’t even begin to think you know how I feel! I’m sorry, should I sit around and mope all the damn time then? For your information, I talked to Sawyer and everything is fine. He’s coming home soon.” I stood up from where I was sitting on the floor and glared at Todd. What the freak crawled up his butt and died?

  He cleared his throat. “He is? I’m sorry Lizzie, I didn’t know.”

  “You never let her speak,” Cam’s voice cut like glass when she was angry.

  “You! Why the hell are you sucking face with my brother when you’re in a relationship with Barry? You’re in no position to be so judgmental of me,” Todd’s voice snarled with resentment.

  “Go screw yourself.” Cam started to storm past Todd, he grabbed her upper arm and pulled her back in front of him.

  “What’s up Cammie?” Todd’s voice was dangerous. “Thought you’d try out my little brother, add him to your list?”

  Cameron gasped and slapped Todd across the face. It was no secret Cameron had quite the romantic history. She never was one to feel guilty that she liked to ‘whore around,’ her words not mine. Still, Todd was very out of line.

  “Get your hand off her, you’re hurting her man.” Colby looked ready to punch Todd in the jaw if he didn’t comply. Todd let go of her arm.

  Cam stood up straight and got within inches of Todd’s face, her tall stature almost bringing them eye to eye.

  “Barry and I are done. I caught him nailing some chick in the bar bathroom at our last show. I just haven’t told anyone yet,” tears filled her eyes and her voice broke. “As far as your comment, my list is my business, and you’re not one to talk Todd, I’m pretty sure you’ve screwed everything with tits and two legs on campus, but me. Don’t be a jealous prick,” Cam’s tone turned cold and was filled with spite.

  “Please, you guys stop fighting,” my voice shook. How much more could we all take? “Please! We’re family.” My eyes gave way to traitorous tears.

  “Damn it, Todd,” Cam’s eyes and posture softened. She hugged Todd gruffly and I heard Todd curse under his breath.

  “I’m sorry, Cammie. I’m sorry, I said those things. I’m a total shit.”

  “Always have been, but I love you anyways.” Cameron looked up at him through wet eyes. He choked out a laugh holding on hard to his emotion.

  “Barry’s a shithead, he’s out of the band. He doesn’t deserve you.” Todd’s lips curved up and then he kissed the top of Cam’s head.

  “He’s out. Drummers come and go, I’m not worried. I’m just sorry you got hurt.” I walked over and hugged both Cam and Todd in a giant group hug.

  “I knew he was sleeping around months ago, I just didn’t care enough to care. You know?” Cam sniffled into Todd’s chest.

  “Oh, I know, baby girl.” Todd squeezed harder.

  “You guys are lame.” Colby looked at us like we were insane.

  “You didn’t think I was lame like five minutes ago,” Cam’s voice was laced with sarcasm.

  “Mmm… that was nice.”

  “Remember that,” she said provocatively.

  “Oh I will.” Colby’s full lips spread into a heart-stopping grin.

  “For hell’s sake, can we just watch the movie now?” Todd dropped down onto the couch and grabbed the remote. “Before I puke.” He glared at his little brother.

  Colby sat on the floor and leaned against the couch. As Cameron made her way to sit down on the couch, he pulled her down to him. She snuggled her back up to his chest. Todd rolled his eyes and I smiled. It seemed perfect to me. It felt as if it should’ve been this way the whole time. Even though we fought hard, we loved each other so much. We really were like a family. One minute yelling and fighting and the next everything was fine. I didn’t want it any other way.

  I knew that Colby and Cameron possibly being together had trouble written all over it. That was Cam’s way though. She always said, ‘If it’s not worth some sort of fight, then why bother?’ I smiled inwardly at the thought.

  I burrowed into my side of the couch just as the movie started. My blanket wrapped around my body, I was home. A strong air of melancholy fell over me. I missed this, being here with my family. But something was off, I needed Sawyer here too. His place was here with me. I knew that now more than ever.

  I hate myself sometimes more than anyone will ever know. I was worried that when I joined up with the Navy my inner turmoil would be discovered. I thought all my baggage would hinder my progress, or be used against me. I decided though, from the get go, that instead of burying it I’d clinch it. I needed that anger to fuel me into something greater than him, than my father. I used it to shut down emotion and was able to take on missions and never feel sorry for lives lost. In the end, the lives, the people, the evil, it was all just an extension of him.

  All of them, bullies.

  I was so tired of bullies.

  I sat staring at the water. I use to come here all the time back when I was stationed here in Coronado. Now I only get to visit when
I come to see Greg and Mackenzie. I watched as the waves pulled in and sucked the sand back out to sea. The smell of the ocean was something I missed in Utah. I missed the briny air and how it wrapped itself into your hair and onto your skin. I took pleasure in the sweet symphony of the crashing waves. The sound always calmed me. It reminded me that the ocean is so much bigger than us. We mere mortals could be swallowed whole by it and no one would be the wiser. The idea that I could just float away, take one last peaceful breath, the burn of the salt water in my lungs, filling me, taking me to the end if I wanted, this feeling gave me a sense of serenity, of closure when I needed it most.

  Knowing I was physically powerful enough to endure it, to swim in its depths, to fight its currents, it gave me peace now. This was my life. No matter how hard the waves pushed and pulled, the riptide bringing me under, I fought. I did it for me and now, now I’d do it for her. I felt resolution and smiled into the dimming sunset, the pink and orange hue burning the sky with fire promising another tomorrow, yet cooling it with the soft blue of what would be yesterday. I felt alive. I hadn’t felt really alive in so long. I knew now no matter how much I screwed up, no matter how I could fail, I had to stop being bullied and stop bullying myself. It was time to move on.

  I stayed a long time, sitting on the sand. I stayed until it was dark, until I couldn’t ignore the ringing of my phone. I was late for dinner with Mack and Greg. I needed this though, this time to myself.

  “Hello.”

  “What the hell? Where are you man?” Greg’s deep voice worried through the speaker.

  “I’m at the Strand.” The Strand to the locals was Silver Strand State Beach. This was one of my favorite places. It was sacred to me. Private. My church, my place of worship.

  “Uh… okay … Why? Did you forget about dinner? I have like tons of food waiting on your ass.” I could tell Greg was less irritated and more concerned about me than anything.

  “Sorry, I let the time get away from me brother. Just clearing my head. I’ll head your way soon.”