Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “All right, just make it now-ish. I’m pretty sure Mack is about to implode if she doesn’t eat soon.”

  “Awe shit, I feel bad I made you wait, go ahead without me. I’ll be there soon.”

  “All right, she won’t like it, but she’ll eat. She’s so cranky when she’s hungry, especially now with the baby.”

  “The what?”

  Greg inhaled and swore, making evident he realized his slip up. “Oh—”

  “You’re having a kid?” I interrupted the silence.

  “Please pretend you didn’t hear that. Mack will be so pissed, she wanted to tell you.”

  A colossal grin erupted across my face. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

  “Please Sawyer, save it. Save it for when she tells you, okay?” Greg’s voice now a bit higher pitched than I’d ever heard it.

  “Okay,” I chuckled.

  “Just get your ass over here pronto!”

  I finished putting together my things. Greg let me borrow a few more articles of clothing for the ride home. I was grateful to have such amazing friends. Greg and Mack were going to be parents. Mackenzie was truly radiant when she told me. Of course, she saw right through me and could tell Greg spilled the beans before she could. After a somewhat hard punch in the arm and laundry list of cusses, Greg was let off the hook. It was good to see them so happy. It just made me antsier to leave and get back to Elizabeth.

  I had at least a twelve-hour drive north if the weather was good. It was snowing heavily for the past few days back home. I knew I might have to stop, which pissed me off. I just wanted to be with Liz. I wanted to talk to her about my idea. Greg thought my plans to confront my father were a good thing. I was anxious for Elizabeth’s thoughts. I was doing this for me, but I needed her on board.

  I was finished waiting around for my stupid head to catch up with my heart. I needed her, to see her. I climbed into my truck and sent her a text.

  Me: I’m on my way back to you. There was no reason to linger here.

  Elizabeth: I love you so much.

  I stared at the screen, I was so lucky. I think back to the time I first saw her at that damn light, then at the show. As sappy as it sounded, fate brought me to her. I almost turned away from it. If I hadn’t taken chase, if I’d stayed in my head, if I’d let the dark win, I could have lived. I definitely would have lived, but it would’ve been a half-life, a still life. Sure, I could’ve gone through the motions, never tasting, never seeing the striking washes of color, but I don’t want to live like that. Who wants to live like that? Stuck in a replica of existence. I had to find her. I just had to and I’m not sorry for it.

  Me: I love you too, cricket.

  More than you’ll ever know.

  I backed the truck out and hit the highway.

  I was one more breath closer to her.

  To my life.

  I was running. I felt the searing sun on my back. The sun penetrated through the thin skin of my exposed shoulders. I felt free when I ran. I heard the voices of the students, the loud shrill of the whistle. The high school football team was practicing. The season would start soon. My feet hit the track hard, each step sending me farther. I was flying.

  “Hey Lizzie wait up!” Colby’s voice called out to me. I slowed my pace.

  I was breathing heavy. “What’s up?” My voice was slightly annoyed. He knew I hated being bothered when I ran. “Aren’t you supposed to be practicing?” I looked over at the other boys staring at us while we ran.

  “Um, yeah, I just wanted to ask you something.” He kept pace with me, not even breathing hard.

  “Well, ask.”

  “Mom wants to know if you’re going to homecoming this year.” Colby looked at me with a sad expression.

  “Colby, I never go to homecoming.”

  “Why?”

  I exhaled harshly and stopped running. The ache in my side-splitting wide open.

  “You know why, Colby. Cut it out. This couldn’t have waited till we were home?” I looked around at the observers again. I never go to the fall dances, he knew that. I thought it was wrong to celebrate during the anniversary of my parents’ death.

  “I know, I know, it’s not healthy, Elizabeth. My friend Seth was going to ask you to go though.”

  My eyes bulged. “Seth Montgomery, the high school quarter back was going to ask out ‘Lezzie’ Haddington? Cut the shit, Colby.”

  “I’m serious.” He smiled. It lit his face in such a youthful way I almost believed him. Knowing Colby this was either his way of trying to cheer me up or just piss off Todd?

  “Todd would poop a brick if I went to a dance with anyone other than him.” I gave him an irritated, you know better than that, look.

  “Maybe.” Colby’s smile turned wicked. I punched him in the shoulder.

  “You’re such a dick. Don’t use me to piss off your brother!” I turned ready to leave.

  “I’m not, I’m serious,” he persisted.

  “Not interested.”

  I turned to leave again and almost ran into one of the jocks from the football team.

  “Gah!” I blurted out.

  “Hey, watch it, Lezzie.”

  “Oh, so original.” I took off to start my run again.

  I overheard Colby say, “Shit Meyers, don’t act like you and the guys don’t drool over her after practice in the locker room. Talking ‘bout how you’d love to hit that ass. Maybe Todd should know your true feelings? Eh, Meyers?” Colby laughed and the boy named Meyers was silent.

  I almost stumbled at the confession. What in the world? What universe was this?

  I’m brought out of my memory and back to the present as I stared at Seth Montgomery across the bar. He was tall and lean just like he was in high school. Except now, Seth’s arms were covered in full sleeves of tattoos and his ears had huge gauges. Seth Montgomery, star quarterback of my high school, clean-cut jock extraordinaire was sipping a dark beer and laughing with a small group of friends. His dark, disheveled hair fell across his eyes. I was in shock. He was still handsome, but in a different way. I was at the bar to cancel our upcoming shows. It was too claustrophobic waiting for Sawyer to come home at my apartment. I figured I’d stop by here and then head out to his place. Clean it up for him. I was rooted in place, however, with utter astonishment at the one-eighty in front of me.

  Needless to say, I wasn’t super popular with the in-crowd in high school. Todd and Colby would joke around about how they had to take out this guy or that guy every now and then, apparently, protecting me when boys from school would make inappropriate comments about me. I knew it was just them helping me not fall into the depression that was inevitable when you’re a parentless awkward girl with glasses and ‘Lezzie’ as a nickname. Todd and Cam were always there for me, but Colby always tried to boost my confidence with these stories of guys wanting me. It always pissed Todd off and made Cam snicker.

  “Hey Lizzie, how’s it going. What can I get you?” Clara, the bartender at The Lounge, leaned over the wooden surface and laid a napkin down breaking me from my reverie.

  “Oh, I’m just here to cancel the upcoming shows. We’re short a drummer again.” I clicked my nails on the bar top out of habit.

  “Really?” Clara seemed more bummed than I thought necessary.

  “Yeah, it’s a curse.”

  “That sucks! What happened?”

  “Oh, you know, Barry decided to screw around with another chick. Sort of ruins the whole group dynamic.” I laughed without humor.

  “You looking for a drummer?” the warm male voice pulled my attention away from Clara.

  “Uh?” I looked up into the face of the jock turned rocker-bad-boy with a troubled look.

  “I said, Lizzie, you looking for a drummer?”

  “Why, you play drums?” my tone was thick with disbelief. He remembered me? “Since when, Seth? Last time I checked all you cared about was sports, cheerleaders and being a dick, in general.”

  “I was never a dick to you.” His
eyes were honest and intimidating. The blue hues turned lighter with the light. He chuckled as he continued, “Football and cheerleaders that was high school. I’ve grown up. I’m a music major now.”

  I felt like a jerk. Who was I to judge him? He was right, he never called me ‘Lezzie.’ Well, he never talked to me at all, actually. The only reason I even have a memory of him was because of what Colby had said way back then. I’d never had even cared to look his way otherwise.

  “So you play the drums?” I asked again.

  “I play the drums, piano, guitar, and I compose as well.” Seth puffed his chest out in pride.

  “Well then, yes. Yes, we really do need a drummer. Just so you know, this is only for fun. We’re not trying to get signed or anything. When can you meet up with us for a practice?”

  “Really?” His excitement bubbled over his stoic mask.

  “Really,” I laughed.

  “Um, holy shit, whenever.”

  “Well, we were going to practice tonight, but my boyfriend is coming home, so maybe Saturday?”

  I noticed his eyes dimmed a bit at the mention of my boyfriend. I probably just imagined it. “Uh, sure that works.”

  “Seth Montgomery? Who would have thunk it!” I giggled. “Todd will be floored.”

  “Since I quit the whole sports thing, I never see him. You guys together still then?”

  I noticed he said, ‘still.’ I was never an item with Todd, people always had a way of assuming and I was tired of correcting them.

  “No, my boyfriend’s name is Sawyer. He’s not from here. You’ll meet him Saturday though. We practice in his basement now.”

  “Cool, well let me know a time.” He turned and looked over his shoulder at his friends. “I should get back.”

  “Cool. Thanks again, I can’t wait to see how we all mesh.”

  We exchanged numbers and I headed out. It’s so crazy how life turns everything upside down, inside out. Fate… she’s a crazy bitch.

  The tires of my truck made a deep path through the snow covered driveway. Elizabeth’s car was parked out on the road. I turned the headlights off and watched the heavy white flakes fall. The windows of my house were lit with a warm yellow glow and the steam from the furnace pipe spilled thickly into the evening air. I was home. I felt it in my chest. In my gut. The tight sensation, the constricted feeling in my throat. I swallowed the tense lump down. I needed to keep my emotions in check.

  I followed Elizabeth’s small footprints in the snow up to the front door. I could hear music playing inside and I smiled. I was home. The front door opened quietly. The snow from my boots scraped off easily on the front mat. Moving deeper into the house, through the living room toward the kitchen, I heard her singing along with the music. My heart picked up its pace. She was in the kitchen cooking dinner.

  I watched her for a moment and realized this was the first time I actually really saw her. I could truly see her for the blessing she was. Elizabeth’s dark hair fell in long casual waves, begging to be touched. Her creamy skin was glowing with peaches and rose in her cheeks when she realized I was gazing at her.

  “Sawyer,” her small murmur filled the room with anticipation.

  She was just wearing jeans and a sweater, but she never looked lovelier. Elizabeth’s lips trembled as she pulled her small delicate hand up to her perfect mouth in surprise. I don’t think I one hundred percent loved her before now. I don’t think the definition was clear to me. I might have just been falling this whole time. Because now… now I felt it, hard and pure in my chest, the tension loosening and giving way to a fullness I’ve never felt. This woman was mine. I knew in this instant she felt it too. I owned that thought and it gave me the courage to move the last five steps to her.

  “I missed you so much,” she whispered. The watery glimmering blue of her eyes took my breath away.

  “My God, Liz, I missed you too.” I enveloped her with my arms. Her cheek resting against my chest. It was silent except for our heavy breathing. The music that was playing muted by the bubble we’d created for ourselves. She looked up at me then.

  “Don’t ever leave me again.”

  “I won’t.” It’s the most honest thing I’ve ever said.

  Elizabeth started to cry earnestly. I pulled tighter at her back trying to bring her closer to me. I couldn’t get her close enough. I kissed her cheeks, tasting the sweet tears. I kissed her lips soft at first. My need for her growing with each second, I had to be closer, closer. I picked her up and she enfolded her legs around my waist. We kissed each other like it was the last day on earth. My hands intertwined in her hair as I pulled her mouth away from mine. I watched as her face heated with my regard. Her lips were swollen and the tears stained her cheeks but she smiled… she smiled at me like I was the best damn thing in her universe. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to get any fuller, but it did.

  “I love you Sawyer.”

  Sawyer’s smile was the most startling thing in the world. It was my own private miracle. This was the most joyful smile I’d ever seen him give and my love for him grew exponentially. My hands locked behind his neck as he walked us to the bedroom. Dinner forgotten. I wanted, we needed to be closer. It was an urgent need. Sawyer’s green eyes were a mixture of wonder, worship, and complete adoration when he looked into mine. I brought my feet to the ground and looked up at his face. He hadn’t shaved today and his face held such a rough beauty. I was breathless.

  The room was thick with want and comfortably silent. He kissed me tenderly. After an instant, the kiss turned hungry. He pulled away and undressed me with reverence. Then, I watched as his final article of clothing hit the floor. My starved eyes ate up the stunning spectacle that is everything Sawyer. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the intense perfection of his body. I wasn’t one to ever care about body type and I still don’t, but his solid physique was hard to ignore. I watched as each muscle flexed in his stomach, as he moved toward me. I was in awe. Sawyer sat down on the bed and I sat in his lap, face to face my legs bound around his waist. The coarse skin of his hands trailing against my bare ribcage sent me spiraling. I loved this man beyond anything I’d ever known. When I was with him, like this, bodies together as one, it was like the future didn’t matter. This one moment was all that counted in the whole mess of life.

  Skin to skin, tan next to light, rough touching velvet, arms holding on tight to that inevitable relief of pleasure, of love. The knowledge that he brought me there brings me closer with each kiss, with each pull and push of him inside me, it was dizzying. The feel of it, all the sensation he gave me then was overwhelming and his name escaped my lips in a whisper. I tensed, our chests touching, my legs pulled taut around his body. The sensitivity of his warm chest against my breasts caused my heartbeat to thunder. I started to close my eyes as the feeling of satisfying release overtook me.

  “Look at me, Elizabeth,” Sawyer’s voice was jagged. “I need you to see how you make me feel, what your love does to me.”

  I looked into his dark jade eyes as he pushed deeper inside of me than he ever had before. I felt completely full. We were truly one in that moment. I couldn’t resist kissing him as he called out my name, capturing his deep growl and words in my mouth and savoring each letter, each sound. This was it for me. He was it, the one true thing I’ve ever had, and I’d never let go.

  Sawyer’s large hand rested against my belly, his fingers traced light circles. My skin tingled with goose bumps. It felt peaceful as we stared at each other in admiration. My mind raced with so many questions. I wanted to know what he was feeling, what he was thinking. I wanted to ask why his trip to California seemed to change him. He felt different, but in a good way. Even though we grew closer these past months, there always seemed to be one last wall I couldn’t hurdle. That wall crashed down when he walked through that door tonight.

  “What are you thinking?” Sawyer’s voice seemed nervous.

  “You seem different.”

  His eyebrows pulled
together. “What do you mean? Is that a bad thing?”

  I gently placed my thumb on his brow line and lightly brushed away the furrow of distress.

  “No, changed in a good way… I feel… I mean, I think…”

  “I think I fell in love with you tonight.” His mouth turned up into a lopsided grin.

  “I thought you already loved me?” It was my turn to be anxious.

  “I thought I did, but Liz how I feel now, when I was away I felt so lost. Then I came home and saw you and my heart, it felt like it would shatter. This whole time I was going through the motions, slowly falling for you. It’s true what they say, you don’t know what you have till it’s gone. I knew when I walked through that door I was seeing you for real, that final barricade around my heart it came crumbling down. You own me.” Sawyer placed a sweet kiss on my forehead.

  I took a deep breath. I was finally through his armor.

  “I saw it crumble. The wall… when I looked into your eyes, I knew something had changed.”

  “I’ve had so much shit go wrong in my life. I’ve tried so hard to bury it and I think I had buried it to a point. I think while I served in the military I used it. I took all that anger and put it toward something good. But when I met you that strategy was shot to hell. I felt insecure for the first time, in forever. I felt afraid. I don’t want to turn out like him. When I hurt you, I didn’t trust myself. But, you’re willing to help me and I couldn’t turn away from you. I need you, Elizabeth. I know now that you’re my future, my forever. I want to be worthy of yours.”

  “You’ve always have been worthy, but you didn’t see that, not until now.”

  “I see the possibility.”

  “I see the reality,” I corrected with a smirk. He laughed a deep throaty laugh and my heart skipped a beat.

  “I’m so in love with you, you know that, right?”

  “So I hear.”

  I giggled and kissed him on the cheek. My stomach growled.