Her Love and Regrets (Book I)

by Chevelle Allen

  “You both better get used to her. Hell, I might even marry her!”

  “Of course you would…just to spite us! And I’m sure that’s exactly what she wants given she’s made no plans for herself,” his mother said.

  “If that’s what you think…you know what? I’m done with this conversation. I’ll take my little black girlfriend home tomorrow!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Michael!” his mother said. “Rick and Mya will be here tomorrow. We will enjoy Christmas Day together and then you can be on your way if that’s how you feel.”

  “It’s late. We can talk about this more when we all have a good night sleep,” Dr. Josey said before he and Mrs. Josey made their way up the stairs.

  Janine scurried back to her room, closing the door being careful they didn’t see or hear her. She stood with her back against the door deeply hurt by what she had just heard. Finding a light switch near the door, she turned it on and looked around the room that now seemed ostentatious and cold.

  She had never been in a situation like this before. She wasn’t sure what hurt the most; the implications of the comments being made by his parents, or what she interpreted as a threat of marriage from Michael. With her own insecurities rapidly rising to the surface, all she wanted to do was leave this now unwelcome place. The one thing she felt sure of was she couldn’t reveal she had eavesdropped on their conversation. Somehow she had to pretend nothing had happened taking her cues from Michael.

  As she walked towards the bed, there was a knock on the door. A panic swept over her thinking about who could be on the other side. If it was Mrs. Josey, she didn’t have any idea what she would say to the woman given what she’d heard. If it was Michael, she didn’t know what she would do. She partially opened the door and saw him standing there with his hand on the frame as if his entire body needed to be supported. His face was rigid, his eyes seething with the anger he most assuredly felt. She opened the door a little wider and let him in.

  He stepped into the room and closed the door without a word. She reached out to touch his face in acknowledgement of the pain so evident on it. He grabbed her forearm drawing her hand away and forcing it behind her. Roughly pressing his lips to hers, he backed her into the door as he groped at her breasts and ass. She tried to free herself by turning her face away from him, but he raised her arm pinning it to the door. He took hold of her neck with his free hand as he roughly kissed and licked her mouth and neck. With all their lovemaking, role-playing and raw sex, this was the first time that she felt no arousal. This was very different.

  “Michael,” she whispered. Again, he gave no response. Instead he pulled her to the bed by her arm moving her to the front of him. He used his free hand to push her over into a doggy-style position. He pulled at her pajama pants trying to free them from her. Pressing against her, she could feel that he was erect, but this clearly wasn’t about sex. A part of her was in shock as she tried to figure out why he seemed more like a stranger than the man she loved. Janine couldn’t stand what was happening between them. It felt as if he was going to use her as a vessel to relieve his frustration and anger.

  It had to stop and she said, “NO, Michael! We are not doing this!” He stepped back from her as she turned around to face him. She continued, “You’re not doing this to me…to us!”

  His face seemed even angrier and for the first time, a part of her was afraid of him. With all the rage he was exhibiting, he must have seen her fear was well. His face immediately softened and his eyes grew sorrowful. He tried to form words, but nothing came out. He turned, leaving the room without closing the door. Janine adjusted her clothing as she followed him to close the door. She stood for a moment as tears swelled from someplace so deep inside, it hurt.

  CHAPTER 14

  Staring out the airplane window, Janine felt the pain of her one visit with the Josey family as if it happened only days before instead of fifteen years ago. Although she thought of Michael many times over the years, she never allowed herself to reflect long on the one event that triggered the end of their relationship. When she was at the Josey’s home, she felt the sting of colorism, classism and economic disparity all at once. The exception was the words were coming from the mouths of other black people. She understood the cultural and economic history that led to bias, prejudice and racism in the U.S. very well. Nonetheless she thought these issues were more problematic when they manifested themselves within the black community.

  The rest of the visit with his family was awkward though polite. The dynamic between Janine and Michael became strained and distant. Neither discussed what had happened between them in that room or what led to it. Instead, the day after Christmas, they drove back to the city as planned with few words exchanged between them. When they arrived at her apartment, he parked the car and they sat. After a few moments, he offered to help her carry her bags up to her apartment, but she declined. They were hurting and neither had the words to convey it. Janine opened her car door and got out. He went around to the trunk of the car, removed her bag and handed it to her. She walked up stairs alone and before reaching her doorway, she heard him drive away. Her hands shook as she put the key into the lock. Once inside, she dropped her bag on the floor and went straight to her bed where she cried herself to sleep.

  He called her a few times over the next several days but she wouldn’t answer the phone. She couldn’t talk to him pretending everything was fine between them. Instead she spent the time organizing things in her apartment. Kitchen shelves were rearranged, books were catalogued and clothes were sorted for laundering. Even though she kept herself busy, she still wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to him. Her emotions were raw and they ranged from hurt, anger, and sadness to loneliness. She missed him terribly and every part of her ached for him.

  With her friends away for the holidays, her loneliness was made worse. She thought about calling them but convinced herself that it would intrusive, so she didn’t do it. She thought about driving to Charlotte, but she didn’t really feel up to the drive or the inevitable questions about her love life. She was certain her mother had told their relatives she was going to be spending the holiday with her boyfriend’s family. Even as she thought of them, she knew that given the chance to meet him, her family would love him for the person he was— not for what he brought to the table or what he looked like. Unlike the Josey’s, her family had a general rule when it came to bringing others into it; you love them, we love them.

  Her family was full of hard-working people. There were construction workers, nurses and home health care workers as well as post and general office workers. Theirs was a family that would give others in need their last dollar. They were proud of their modest accomplishments and knew how to live within their means. Simple things like the purchase of a new TV, a car or a house were often celebrated. But Janine suspected people like Dr. and Mrs. Josey took simple things for granted. The more she considered them she realized if she and Michael were going to be together, his parents would be a difficult and potentially intrusive obstacle to their happiness. The scenarios that ran through her head were vivid and just dragged her further into sadness.

  She could easily obsess over things she had very little control over and she knew she had to get out of her head. Michael often teased her about how she could create entire scenarios with dozens of versions about how things could go. He once called it charming—but there was nothing charming about the things running through her mind now. She thought about going out for a run but she hated running. She considered heading to the university gym, but working out was something she started doing with him. Damn it! Just get out of the house! She grabbed her car keys, wallet and headed out the door with no particular destination in mind.

  She ended up driving to the strip mall not far from campus and stopped by the bookstore. The demands of the law school program left little time for casual reading, even though it was a favorite pastime of hers. She wandered aisle after aisle exploring various genres occasionally select
ing a book to scan the author notes, inner flap or back cover. She loved historical novels, science fiction and the occasional bestseller. After more than thirty minutes in the store, she finally settled on a crime drama featuring a female forensic expert. She found the book in the clearance bin and was delighted it only cost a little over three dollars. Rather than go back to her apartment, she walked to the coffee shop on the opposite side of the plaza.

  It had been a couple of weeks since she had been there. Given the time of day, it was fairly quiet. She ordered the house blend and headed to the condiments bar to add creamer and raw sugar. Once the coffee was mixed just right, she scanned the shop looking for a good place to sit. She thought the front corner window was perfect for reading because it had ample light and plush seats. Having claimed her spot, she took off her coat and threw it on the back of the chair and sat down. She propped her feet on the edge of the little table in front of her, and settled into her reading and coffee.

  She had become fully engrossed in her book barely noticing the lunch crowd making its way into the shop. She looked up briefly, sipped the last of her coffee and returned to her reading. She never noticed Michael was among those who had come into the shop.

  With coffee in hand, he walked up to her and softly said, “Hey.”

  As she looked up at him her eyes widened and her heart felt as if it would leap from her chest. But she calmly returned his greeting, “Hey.”

  “Do you mind if I sit down?” he asked as he motioned to the chair beside hers.

  Every part of her screamed absolutely, but again she calmly replied, “No, I don’t mind,” trying her best not to make extended eye contact with him.

  “How have you been?”

  “I don’t know how to answer that yet.”

  “Is that why you haven’t returned my calls?” he asked leaning closer towards her.

  “Yes.”

  “Janine, I miss you. Talk to me.”

  Instead of immediately admitting to him she missed him as well, she just nodded her head with her eyes directed towards her book.

  “Baby, look at me. Please.” Touching her lightly on the hand, he pleaded with softened voice. His simple request filled her with so many conflicting emotions. When she looked at him it was if all her pain and doubt subsided in that moment.

  “I’ve missed you too,” she replied. On the surface it seemed such a ridiculous thing to say given the fact they had been apart for weeks at a time. But the past few days felt like an eternity. It was if something had been dissected from her with the dullest of knives.

  “Is it okay with you if we get out of here so we can talk?”

  “Yes,” she said quietly.

  He stood and extended his hand to her. She reached for her coat from the back of the chair and picked up the book before taking his hand to leave the shop.

  He walked her to her car and said, “Where do you want to go?”

  She knew she’d feel more comfortable at her own apartment but they were closer to his and this conversation was not one that needed to be held in any public place.

  “Your place is closer. I’ll meet you there,” she said.

  “Okay.” He leaned in to give her light peck on the cheek. As if by habit or instinct, she reached up touching his face.

  CHAPTER 15

  She had no idea how he managed to get to his apartment before her, but when she arrived he was standing on the sidewalk waiting for her. He came over to her car, opened the door and together they walked into the building. On the brief elevator ride up he squeezed her hand, drew it to his mouth and gently kissed her knuckles. Once inside the apartment, he took her coat hanging it in the small closet near the door before inviting her to sit.

  “Can I get you anything?” he asked.

  “No. No, thank you.” She wasn’t entirely sure what to say to him, and she had no idea what he intended to say to her. With all the thoughts that had been running through her head over the past few days, she had a hard time consolidating her thoughts into anything that would make sense.

  With coffee in hand, he sat down beside her and began talking. “Janine, I don’t even know where to begin with any of this except to say I’m sorry. I know I hurt you.”

  “I’ve never seen you like that…” her voice trailed off.

  “And I’ll do my best so that you never will again.”

  “I don’t understand why you…why were you so angry?” Her question was only partially true. She knew his anger was triggered by the conversation with his parents. She had certainly heard the tail end of it, but she had no idea what was said prior to her hearing them.

  “Janine, I told you my relationship with my parents is… complicated at best. Some things were said that just…”

  “What was said?”

  “It’s not worth repeating because it really doesn’t matter.” He replied with a bit of edge to his voice.

  “But it mattered that night,” she fired back despite the fact she could see he was struggling with all of this. His face was flush and his eyes heavy.

  He sighed and he took her hands in his saying, “It should have never happened.” His voice cracked as he mustered his reserve. “I love you. All I know is that I don’t want to be without you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Unable to contain her intense need to touch him, she reached out hugging him tightly. She kissed him not only with her lips but also with her entire wounded soul. There on the couch, their hugs and kisses grew deeper and more heated at the realization their love was fervent and lasting. Just being in his embrace, Janine didn’t need to hear him say anything else. She didn’t want to talk about his parents, her own issues—none of it. She just wanted to hold and touch him.

  In their fevered embrace, they began disrobing each other. Janine straddled his lap with her knees positioned on the couch. Their pace slowed as each kissed and licked the other’s mouths, ears and necks stopping only to gaze in each other’s eyes. She reached down and gently stroked his penis finding him ready for whatever she offered. She raised her hips and slid him inside of her. The feeling was divine and they both let out sighs of relief and longing.

  With her arms draped over his shoulders, she stroked the back of his head as he held her back and waist drawing her closer to him. She slowly raised and lowered herself onto him. Each time she raised herself, she squeezed him tightly with her vaginal muscles and as she lowered, she released them. Over and over she hugged and released him from within. He buried his head between her breasts seeking out her nipples with his tongue. She could feel the subtle pulsations as his penis throbbed inside her.

  Taking hold of her hips, he lifted her up being careful not to break their bond and laid her down on the couch. Now on top of her, he took control of the thrusts that had nearly made him come far faster than he was prepared to do. Instead, he offered a few quick thrusts and slowly withdrew to his tip before repeating the movement several times. She drew her knees up, wrapped her legs around him and raised her hips to better meet his thrusts. But as he tried to pull back, she drew him back into her. She let him know with her body and her eyes that this time, she wanted to take the lead and please him. Throughout their lovemaking and sexual adventures, he always came after making her come several times in advance of him. But this time, in a rare and exquisite moment, their orgasms crested together.

  As he lay quietly on top of her, she stroked his back and shoulders knowing there was no place she’d rather be. After a few minutes, he lifted up on his forearms and withdrew from her. Given the limited space shared on the couch, he carefully rolled to his side while moving Janine to hers. He began softly touching the side of her face with his elegant fingers. While kissing her lightly on the lips, he searched her eyes for answers to questions neither of them could fully articulate let alone comprehend.

  “God, you’re beautiful.”

  Janine just smiled burying her head into his chest. She let his words flow over her reflecting how he made her feel beautiful.
Although she had only been intimate with a few men, he made her feel desirable helping her discover her own sexuality in ways she never imagined possible. Through him she learned that her urges and orgasms were just as important as his. Because of him she understood that lovemaking was not just a physical or emotional act but also a deeply spiritual experience.

  Their blissful moment was broken by the ringing telephone. Neither of them moved instead Michael opted to let the call go to the answering machine. Although it had a low volume they could still hear the caller. It was his mother.

  “Michael, I have business in the city today and thought I’d stop by to chat with you.” She continued, “I should be at your apartment in about ten minutes Please call my cell.” Both of their bodies became rigid. Janine sat up and started looking for her clothes.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m leaving. Your mother is coming over and I’m sure she doesn’t want to see me here.”

  He sat up placing his hand in the small of her back saying, “I’m not calling her back. And you are going to stay right here and wrap those pretty brown legs around me again.”

  She shouldn’t have responded so viscerally but she did. “Pretty brown legs? Yeah, your mom would love to see that, huh?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked genuinely perplexed by her outburst.

  Gathering up her clothes she went to the bathroom saying, “Your mother wants to see you, not me. And you know nothing would piss her off more than to see me here.” She slammed the door behind her. She took a deep breath as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. What is wrong with you? Her emotions had complete control of her and they pushed any logical considerations from her mind.

  He knocked on the bathroom door. “Janine, do you think I give a damn what my mother thinks about you? Or us?”

  “I know you care and don’t pretend you don’t!” she fired back.