Her Love and Regrets (Book I)

by Chevelle Allen

  “Really?”

  This time he lifted her higher and dunked her deeper into the water while holding her under a little longer.

  As she resurfaced she shouted, “I yield to you, Sir!”

  Immediately releasing her from his grasp, he stared at her with an initial look of shock that turned into what she could only interpret as a look of confusion. It was as if he was deciding what to do next. At first she wasn’t sure what happened. Then she realized what she had done—what she had said. He backed away from her giving her space to contemplate her words. From somewhere deep within her, she mistakenly called out her safe words.

  “I yield to you, Sir” was the phrase she chose as Michael prepared her for the escalation of their BDSM play. In order to keep her safe and make sure he didn’t cross her threshold for physical pain or emotional stamina, he wanted her to make the choice—because she would remember it. When their play involved covering her mouth she could signal him with her fingers, which she simply crossed. She only used it a few times during their time together, because he was always so careful with her. But she hadn’t uttered the words in well over a decade. She panicked at the gravity of the moment and didn’t know what to do or say. Michael got out of the pool, reached for his towel heading back to his bungalow. She was overwhelmed by what her simple mistake had done. She wanted to apologize immediately, but the words wouldn’t come.

  CHAPTER 28

  As the day progressed, the friends gathered around the pool for margaritas and daiquiris with light food. Later, they played a few rounds of pool and spirited games of Poker and Tonk before moving to video games. With boisterous laughter and fun had by all, Michael and Janine’s conversation and interactions were stifled. She noted he avoided any substantial eye contact with her and it hurt her deeply. She was still reeling from what she did and wanted to figure out a way to talk with him privately about it. After a couple of hours, they all gathered around the dining table for their last succulent meal together. Conversations lingered after dinner but there was no time she had alone with him. She tried not to obsess about it but it was difficult.

  For the first time, the group talked in detail about their work—a topic they deliberately avoided during the first few days. She’d learned from the others that Michael’s law practice was doing well but this was the first time she heard him talk about it. He beamed as he recounted helping organizations and small businesses tackle issues and legislation. He was most excited by those clients that directly impacted communities he cared most about.

  He started the practice with two lawyers exclusively catering to grassroots and smaller nonprofit organizations. Having enough personal financial security, he was able to do most of his work on a sliding scale based solely on an organization’s ability to pay. In some cases, the work was pro bono. But after success with several high profile and lucrative cases, there was even greater demand for his services. Newer clients were generally larger organizations that could afford full rates. Those fees helped underwrite others and his practice was expanding yet again. She was proud of and happy for him.

  By the time they all shared professional successes and frustrations it was well after eleven. Stunned by how time had easily slipped by them, they said their goodnights and scattered to their rooms to prepare for departures the next day. Janine managed to keep her things together because she was so accustomed to being compact when she traveled. But she too headed back to her bungalow to lay her clothes out for the return flight. As she finished the short ritual, she couldn’t escape the nagging feeling she shouldn’t leave things with Michael the way they were. She had to apologize to him.

  Even though it was close to midnight, she found her courage, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed across the patio to his bungalow. Stopping short at the pool, she pondered why she bothered bringing wine. What the hell do I think is going to happen that needs wine? They’d been together for three days and with the exception of a little flirting, nothing sexual happened between them. Nonetheless she was nervous as hell and decided to sit for a minute to collect her thoughts before proceeding. She left the bottle by the chair and walked up to his door. Her knock was tentative and she wasn’t even sure he heard it. As she raised her hand to knock again, he opened the door genuinely surprised to see her standing there.

  “Hey,” he said with curious eyes.

  “Hi,” she started, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry about what happened at the pool earlier today. It’s been bothering me all day.”

  Leaning into the doorway, and with a hint of sarcasm he said, “I think this is a first for you. Come in.”

  Choosing to ignore his comment she said, “It’s late and I know you’re probably trying to …”

  “Come in, Janine.”

  He stepped aside offering to let her enter the bungalow that was almost identical to hers. Against her better judgment she went in and slowly made her way to the kitchenette area to sit on the stool. He was shirtless and wore only a pair of boxer briefs that clung to his strong ass and ample penis. She tried to divert her eyes as much as possible. Seeing this much of him amplified the nervousness she already felt. She marveled how this man had the capacity to cause every nerve and muscle in her body to seemingly stand at attention. There was no denying her sexual attraction to him complicated her emotional state.

  He took two wine glasses off the rack and set them down in front of her asking, “Would you like a little wine?”

  “Umm…no. But thanks.” She adjusted on the stool a bit.

  He reached into the wine chiller, pulled out a bottle, opened and poured himself a glass. The brief silence between them made her adjust even more on the increasingly uncomfortable stool.

  “You do realize this is the first time in a very long time that you’ve actually apologized to me.”

  “You keep track?”

  He chuckled. “No…but I pay attention.”

  “I don’t know what made me say it. It just came out. I didn’t realize what I had done until it was too late.”

  “You have a habit of doing that.”

  The look on his face was difficult to read. She thought she knew every nuance about him.

  “What does that mean?” she tentatively asked.

  “You say things to me and expect I’m not going to respond,” he said with a maddening calmness as he sipped on his glass of wine.

  “I don’t know what else to say except I’m really sorry that happened. I should probably go.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s late and I…”

  “Do you mind if I ask you something?” he asked as he moved from one side of the counter to the other where she sat.

  “No, what is it?”

  “Yesterday at the ruins you told me that you would always love me. What does that mean to you?”

  The question threw her for a loop. She felt emotionally unsteady and totally unprepared to give an answer of any substance. “It means you’ll always be a part of me.”

  “I see. What part?”

  “What?” His question seemed bizarre and perhaps a bit disingenuous. She wasn’t sure.

  “What part? Your heart? Your mind? Your body? What part? I want to know what space I occupy with you.” He continued sipping on wine before pouring himself another glass.

  As he spoke, she watched him, noting his reserve and control while she continued to slowly unravel. The imbalance was something she hadn’t experienced in a very long time. He was the only one who caused her to feel that way. She’d almost forgotten how he had a way of testing her boundaries both physically and emotionally without ever forcing his will upon her. She surmised he was testing her again.

  Barely above a whisper she finally answered, “All of it…you are a part of all of it.”

  He set his glass down and walked towards her careful to keep his distance saying, “Hmm. I see.”

  He filled the glass he had set aside and handed it to her. He moved from the counter to the loveseat. The additional distance betw
een them provided her enough space to regain a bit of composure. He sat down on the loveseat placing his foot on the edge of the coffee table.

  “Why do you think we aren’t together?”

  “I don’t know.” It was the easy reply but far from the truth. She wasn’t sure she could fully articulate the range of emotions the question evoked.

  “I think you do.”

  Trying to deflect a bit she said, “We both know the answer is complicated. Besides, does it really matter anymore?”

  “Yes.”

  Again a silence fell on their conversation as she grappled with the gravity of his request. She grew a little agitated because it wasn’t her intent to have this kind of conversation with him. She simply wanted to apologize for what happened earlier… perhaps even engage in a little small talk. She was not prepared for any of this. But here she was faced with a moment of truth.

  “I wasn’t ready,” she confessed.

  “Then why didn’t you just tell me that?” The softness of his voice belied all the pain and hurt she knew she’d caused him over the years. She got up from the stool making her way to the loveseat across from where he sat.

  “I don’t know.” As the words flowed from her, she felt sense of relief—a kind of freedom that eluded her for long time. “It seems so simple and logical now.”

  “When we were together I asked you three important things. Do you remember any of them?”

  “I’m not sure. We’ve talked about a lot of things over the years.”

  “I asked you to trust me,” he said softly dropping his eyes from her for a moment.

  As he said it, she remembered their first night together. Even then she understood when he asked her to trust him, the request wasn’t just about her body, but her heart.

  “Yes, I remember that. And then you asked me to tell you what I wanted.”

  “You realize I wasn’t just talking about sex.” Setting his foot down, he leaned towards her so his words would have as much impact as possible. “I would have moved heaven and earth to make you happy.” He took a long pause before saying, “And then I asked you to marry me.”

  What was being expressed between them was necessary if either was ever going to move forward. They needed this and she needed to listen. Feeling tears of self-pity welling inside her, she refused to let them fall as she listened intensely. Everything he was saying was true. There was no denying any of it.

  She quietly said, “I loved you so much I thought I was losing myself to you.”

  “Was that so bad? To lose ourselves in each other?”

  “It was against everything I was taught and understood about what love was supposed to be.” Janine was surprised how freely she was now expressing herself. The more they talked, the more her fears subsided.

  “But was it so bad?”

  “Vulnerability is terrifying to me. You of all people know that. But with you it…sometimes it was amazing.” She looked deeply into his eyes feeling the love shared between them to her very core.

  His voice softened as he moved in closer to her. “Is that why you left me?”

  She swallowed hard dropping her eyes from him. “Yes. Ultimately, I was afraid.”

  “Don’t you think I was afraid too? But I thought we could make it.”

  “How could you been so sure? We were babies!”

  “Because I loved you more than I was afraid.”

  Meeting his eyes, her first tear escaped. Taking a deep breath and releasing it, she said, “I don’t know what to do about that. I can’t fix everything I did.” Getting up, she moved to sit next to him on the loveseat. She embraced him before kissing him lightly. Their kiss became soft and deep. But he pulled her arms away leaving her confused.

  “No. As much as I want you… as much as I’ll always love you…we are not doing this anymore. I don’t want to just be a part of your life anymore. I don’t want to see you every few years, make love to you and then watch you walk away…again. I can’t do it and I won’t.” His eyes were now wet and full of anguish as he fought back the emotions he so rarely showed.

  Even though she was fearful of his answer she had to ask, “What does that mean?”

  “It means I can’t keep waiting for you to be ready. I can’t keep hoping you’ll come back to me.”

  The weight of his resolution left her heart heavier than it had been in a long time. A part of her was always confident she would see him at some point if only because of their friends. The thought of never seeing him again was far more painful than she imagined.

  “I can’t expect you to. And I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too.”

  The tears were welling up again so she got up, set her glass on the counter and made her way to the door.

  “Good night, Michael.”

  “Good bye, Janine.”

  CHAPTER 29

  It had almost been a week since she returned from Belize but there wasn’t a day her final conversation with Michael didn’t replay in her mind. She went through her workdays with the same level of professionalism, but there was little doubt she felt distant to those around her. With final decisions about grant awardees made, she had the responsibility of personally notifying organizations receiving seven figure awards. But she found this customary function brought none of the joy it had in the past. Knowing her travel schedule for the upcoming weeks was being confirmed, she hoped it would make it easier to find her rhythm again.

  Being away for a while would also give her time to think about her relationship with Ethan. For over a year, they enjoyed each other’s company, but she was beginning to question if it was enough anymore. As promised, she called him when she returned. She managed to avoid seeing him by telling him she was swamped at work and exhausted from the trip. When they talked again, she told him about adventures at Caracol and described adventures with her friends. But she could never tell him about Michael, regardless of the status of either relationship. Making plans to see each other over the weekend, she promised a quiet dinner at her house. Even as she made those plans, she knew it was highly likely he’d want to have sex with her. She had no idea how she would respond in that moment.

  She tried not to over think things and set about preparing a fairly simple dinner when she got home from the grocery. She had about thirty minutes to finish her prep work before Ethan arrived. As the chicken cooked in the rotisserie, she cut up some red potatoes and set aside the green beans she’d sauté once he got there. After setting the oven to roast the potatoes, she quickly showered and put on comfortable loungewear. Removing the shower cap, she looked in the mirror and saw her eyes reflected the deep sense of loss she was experiencing. There was no way she could hide it, even from herself. Somehow she had to pretend everything was normal.

  As expected, Ethan rang the doorbell at precisely seven. Janine pulled her hair into a loose ponytail before heading to the door to let him in. She hadn’t refreshed her makeup or even brushed out her hair. She could only imagine how she looked, but he didn’t seem to mind at all. He greeted her with a warm hug and kiss. She gave him the best smile she could muster before pulling herself away from him.

  “Rough day, huh?” he asked.

  She thought it interesting he read her mood as one related to work—but then again, what else would he possibly think.

  “Something like that. Dinner will be ready soon. I think the chicken is done. But I need to check on the potatoes. Are you hungry?”

  “I’m not starving but when it’s ready, I can certainly eat. Can I help with anything?”

  “That’s very thoughtful of you, but no…I got it.”

  She lingered a bit in the kitchen hoping her face was returning to normal. But Ethan came over perching himself at the counter stool and began chatting while she fixed their dinner plates. She was trying hard to stay in the moment and not allow her mood to ruin their time together. As they ate, she tried to sound interested as he talked about his weekend with his boys and their recent baseball games. He al
so talked about who he saw at the most recent charity event she missed because of the trip. She offered a few follow up questions here and there, but for the most part she just responded to him with an occasional ‘uh huh’ giving the veil of interest. This level of conversation continued throughout dinner and Janine found it far too exhausting. She just wanted to crawl into bed…alone.

  Ethan finally asked her, “Janine, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just…tired.”

  “What in the world did you guys do in Belize?” he said with a little chuckle. “As much as you travel, I’ve never seen a trip wear you out as much as this one. Are you sure you didn’t pick up a bug or something?”

  She smiled slightly. “I’m sorry. I know we planned to spend the evening together. But if you don’t mind, I need a rain check on the rest of the night.”

  She could tell he was trying to read her but she knew he’d never fully comprehend the emotions emanating from her. The reason was simple—she’d never allowed him to get close enough to recognize them. Being considerate, Ethan didn’t push for an explanation but simply asked, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “No. I just need to rest.”

  “Are you sure? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear someone died.”

  She got up from her stool and hugged him. She cared deeply for Ethan, but she wasn’t in love with him. She wasn’t sure he was in love with her either. What they had was what each could handle at this stage of their lives. They were good friends and sexual companions. She kissed him lightly on the cheek before saying “I’ll touch base with you in a few days, okay?”

  His face showed deep concern as he continued to hold her around her waist. “Okay, if that’s what you want. But call me if you need anything.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  He kissed her lightly on the lips and took her hand. They walked towards the door and said their goodbyes for the evening. Clearing the dishes from the counter she began cleaning up the kitchen but stopped. Everything around her reflected the tidy environment she’d created for herself. Instead of providing her usual comfort, it was rapidly feeling like a trap. After placing the leftovers in the refrigerator, she hung the dishcloth on the rack and made her way back to her bedroom. She sat on the side of her bed looking around her room hoping to find something to occupy her mind. But nothing seemed to suffice. She was left alone with more of the thoughts that had consumed her for a week. For the first time in a long time she really needed to talk to someone.