Her Love and Regrets (Book I)

by Chevelle Allen

  “Michael?”

  “Yes.”

  “Have you done those things in here?”

  “Some of it.”

  “With who?”

  He turned on his side to face her. “My Subs.”

  “Your what?”

  “Why do you need to talk about this? I know it makes you very uncomfortable.”

  “Because it’s apparently a part of you. I thought I knew what kind of play appealed to you. But that was so…dark and deeply disturbing. You always told me it was about sex for you. But what I saw tonight wasn’t at all about sex…it couldn’t have been.”

  “Sexual intercourse isn’t allowed in the club. So I don’t know whether or not it is for those people. But it certainly was about control, intimacy…and trust. Nothing was happening in those dungeons both partners didn’t consent to in advance.”

  “And your Subs…did they let you do those things to them?”

  “Each one’s different. Just any like any woman I’ve been with since you.”

  “How many Subs did you have?” Feeling her stomach tighten she asked, “Or should I say do?”

  “Most recently, I had two.”

  “Do you love them?”

  “I’m wasn’t in love with them, if that’s what you mean.”

  “How did you meet them?”

  “I met one at a party hosted by Mistress Spectra. She was looking for a Dom and I was looking for Sub who had similar interests.”

  “And the other?”

  “I trained her.”

  “Like you did me?”

  “No, Janine. I played with them, had sex with them, but they certainly weren’t like you. No one will ever be what you are to me.”

  It was almost too much for her to take but she kept questioning him. “You said you fantasized about doing some of that to me.”

  “That’s not what I said. I said I thought about it.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  He touched the side of her face drawing her as close as he could. “My fantasies of you have us going to bed and waking up together…every morning for the rest of our lives. We’re arguing over stupid shit and making love over lunch breaks. It’s watching our babies grow in your belly and arguing over how best to raise our kids. It’s growing old with you…and loving you every step of the way. That’s my fantasy, Baby. It always has been. It’s what I’ve wanted the moment I knew I was falling in love with you.”

  Her heart swelled. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

  “I thought it was implied when I asked you to marry me. But would it have made a difference?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. There was so much going on, but I think it could have.”

  “You left me…and each time it hurt like hell…and I keep letting you come back.”

  “But you didn’t fight to keep me. You never told me…”

  “You shouldn’t have to chase or fight for love. It’s either yours or its not. I wanted you to be with me because you wanted me. Not because I fought to get you or keep you.” His face became flush as he tried to hold back emotions flowing through him. “And then...I heard you married that dude in Chicago. I was angry…confused…depressed. I couldn’t figure out how you could say yes to him and not me.”

  She knew there was pain and profound regret between them, but the magnitude of the hurt she caused him became abundantly clear in ways it never had before. She never wanted him to feel like that again. He meant too much to her, he always did. Given who he was, she always presumed she could be easily replaced. For the first time she really saw all she was to him. She moved even closer to him, touching his face and wiping away faint tears as they moved down his face.

  “It’s always been you. No matter how much I tried to run from it. In every relationship… everyone I’ve ever been with…you were there. I married him because I thought…” She paused deciding if the statement was worth making. “It doesn’t matter really. It was a long time ago.”

  “It matters. Tell me.”

  “I married him because he was safe. I never felt lost in love to him the way I am with you. You get me…and you love me anyway.”

  “I love you because you’re more beautiful than you realize. But you never got that. You never understood how I could love you the way I do. This is it, Janine. No turning back, no running…this is it. It has to be now.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m here.”

  CHAPTER 36

  It was a glorious weekend. They made love as much as they could, stopping to talk, laugh, eat and rest, before doing it all again. During the course of their loving making, play entered their dynamic on a much more intense level. Janine learned one of the many ways Michael used his custom bed for its more stealth intent. After securely binding her wrists to the headboard, he methodically used nylon ropes to intricately bind her body from her neck to her feet. But he made sure she could move her fingers if she needed to signal him to stop. The ropes rubbed against her skin each time she tried to move so she settled into stillness-which was the point. He then placed a gag in her mouth. She was intrigued and excited when he strapped a vibrator to her inner thigh pressing it firmly against her clitoris. Per his instructions, she kept her eyes on him throughout the entire experience.

  Initially turning it on its lowest setting, he sat down patiently watching until she came. With her orgasm mounting, she writhed a bit but the bindings only allowed her to move in a slithering motion. Her eyes grew hazy as she focused on his face, which revealed only a faint smile. Giving her only a moment to recover, he said very little as he adjusted the vibrator setting to its next level. Initially it was glorious, but after a few orgasms she began to feel raw as the vibrator pulsed rapidly against her delicate flesh. Every muscle in her body was beginning to ache and she started to sweat profusely. When he stood up and approached her, she thought he was going to remove it from her. Instead, he sat next to her on the bed and began stoking her face and legs as he turned the device to its highest setting. The sensations quickly shifted from intensely pleasurable to excruciatingly painful pushing her far beyond her capacity to endure. She couldn’t bear much more and crossed her fingers signaling him to stop immediately.

  He removed the gag, kissed her softly and turned off the vibrator before removing the bindings. Her entire body began to tremble and the aching became more profound. When she saw the indentations on her skin where the ropes had been she panicked. She knew full well there was no way she could possibly hide them because they went from her neck to her ankles as well as along her arms. Some areas bore a purplish bruise that she assumed was the result of her writhing movements against them.

  He recognized the trepidation and fear on her face. “It’s not as bad as you think. Trust me, Baby.” His eyes moved up and down her body as his hands gently massaged the marks. He assured her that nothing he had done to her would leave lasting or permanent marks. Within an hour, most of the marks were gone and what little remained could be easily hidden under her clothes.

  When she left DC, she was saddened they’d be apart yet again, but she carried out her duties as expected. She presented checks and made speeches in Raleigh before making an unscheduled stop in Charlotte to see her mother. She went on to Athens, GA, the last stop of her business travel. Thoroughly exhausted, she spent the day touring a new geriatric facility taking a profoundly different approach to care for the aging. She was happy to be finally heading home after being on the road for so long. As the cab neared the airport, she couldn’t help but drift off recounting her time with Michael.While no definitive plans were made about how they would handle the distance between them, they were committed to working it out. He planned to visit her in Indianapolis for a weekend within a month. Janine thought of all the things she wanted to share with him about her adopted city. In the end however, she knew she’d be perfectly happy squirreled away with him at her house. She wanted the private time to further catch up on the little things and major events that had taken place w
hile they were apart. But feeling him inside her again was far more precious. The mere thought of it caused her to moisten. That pleasant familiar heat began to rise in her just as the cab pulled in front of the airport terminal.

  She quickly made it to her gate and waited until boarding began. Taking one last look at her emails before putting her phone away, she received a text from him:

  -Hi Baby

  -Boarded yet?

  She quickly replied:

  -Not yet

  -How was your day?

  Her phone pinged again:

  -Good, but long

  -Coming home to empty house

  without you, not good

  She smiled as she read his new message again and thought of all the things she wanted to say to him. As she began to type out her message, the gate agent announced her flight was boarding. She quickly typed:

  -I’ll call when I land

  -plane is boarding, gotta go

  -love & I miss you too!

  After a brief pause, Michael replied:

  -Then come back to me

  Staring at the message, she struggled with her bags, but sat them down to type out:

  -As soon as I can

  With the message safely sent, she turned off her phone and boarded the plane. Fumbling to her seat, she began thinking about how soon she could get back to him with everything on her schedule. Surprisingly, she wasn’t stressed about the dilemma at all. She just needed to come up with a viable plan to get back to Washington. In the interim, she had plenty of other matters to address…namely what to say to Ethan.

  It had been a couple of weeks since they had seen each other given their hectic schedules. Like her, Ethan was busy with a variety of obligations, the least of which was tending to his boys while his ex-wife was growing her business. Ethan and Janine certainly had periods in their relationship when conditions were similar, but they always managed to get in a call or two whenever possible.

  On one hand, she was grateful for the break. On the other, she freely admitted she was avoiding him given everything happening between her and Michael. She knew her future was with Michael—whatever that meant. But she was determined to figure out the best way to end her relationship with Ethan. No matter how seemingly casual, it still was a relationship that resulted in sexual intimacy and a deep emotional bond.

  When they first started dating, Ethan was very clear about his expectations and limitations. He was candid about the problems he encountered with other women who wanted to convert the ‘serial monogamist’ and ‘most eligible bachelor’ into a husband. She appreciated his candor and relished the freedom the relationship afforded her. She never expected to date him exclusively, but she found him far more interesting than her other potential suitors. Ethan worked because there was no pressure, no real commitment and no promise of forever. But one thing he made abundantly clear: he insisted she tell him when their relationship was no longer enough for her.

  She had certainly reached that point but for reasons likely far different than he intended. Janine was less sure about whether or not to divulge the real reason she needed to end their relationship. The more she considered it, the more she chose not to tell him about Michael. Part of the reason he was dedicated to being single was his ex-wife’s infidelity. Over the past year, she had come to understand he never really got over losing the love of his life—his ex wife.

  Once she landed in Indianapolis, she got her luggage from baggage claim and caught a shuttle back to the long-term parking lot. Waiting for the shuttle to arrive, she made a quick call to Ethan even though it was close to eleven at night.

  “Hello, stranger!” he answered.

  “Hi. How are you?” she replied trying to keep her tone and responses as light as possible.

  “I’m good. I thought you were supposed to be getting in tonight. But I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t heard from you in a while.”

  It was the first time she could remember him ever getting a little testy with her. For the most part, she chose to ignore it.

  “I’m sorry about that. It was a very hectic schedule. I ended up making short trips to Washington and then Charlotte to see my mom. I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

  “So how did it go?”

  “Pretty well, all things considered. Listen, I owe you dinner at least. What are your plans this week?”

  “I’m fairly clear. The ex is back in town and the boys are home with her. Is tomorrow too soon? I missed you.”

  Janine wasn’t quite sure how to respond to his last remark, but she said, “Tomorrow is fine.”

  “Are you going into the office tomorrow?”

  “Unfortunately I do need to go in, but only for a few hours in the morning. So dinner?”

  “Sure. What time should I stop by?”

  “Just stop by after work. Maybe five-thirty or six?”

  “Do you want me to bring anything? Wine, maybe?”

  “No, but thanks. I’ll see you then.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you then. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight, Ethan.”

  The call ended as the shuttle approached the bay. Janine handed her bags to the driver and found her seat. Having promised Michael she’d call as soon as she landed, she was eager to talk to him. Since their weekend together, they talked everyday—sometimes twice per day. She loved hearing the sound of his voice because it soothed and enticed her. She relished the joy awakened within her each time he laughed—even if it was at her expense. She simply loved him and she found a more satisfying freedom in that. Settled in her car, she placed the call.

  “Hi, Baby!” she said.

  “Hi. I was starting to get a little worried about you.”

  “Why?”

  “Did your flight get in late?”

  “Not at all. I just decided to wait until I got to my car to call. It’s not too late for you, is it?”

  “No. I wouldn’t sleep well anyway until I was sure you were okay.”

  “Ahhh! That’s sweet, but I am a big girl. I do this all the time.”

  “I get that. But it doesn’t mean I won’t worry about you.”

  As she drove home, their conversation was pleasant as he told her more details of his day and the new client he signed. Even with his recent expansion, he expressed how the load was getting harder to manage with his current team. She freely shared her experiences on the last leg of her travel. She described the work being done to combat a variety of social problems resistant to sustainable solutions in certain parts of the South.

  “How much further until you get home?”

  “Maybe five minutes.”

  “Are you still planning on going in tomorrow?”

  “I’ll go in for a few hours and then come back home to take care of a few things.” She assumed it would be best not to get into details about her dinner plans. “So when are you coming to see me?”

  “I’m working that out. Like I said, this new client presents a few challenges. But soon.”

  “Okay. If it’s easier for me to come back out there, I’ll see what I can do on this end. But let’s make it work, okay?”

  “We will. I miss having you laying beside me, even though you snore.”

  “I miss it too—and by the way, I snore when I’m exhausted. I was exhausted because you were insatiable.”

  “Then I guess I need to get used to your snoring,” he said with a little chuckle.

  As she pulled into her garage, they said goodnight. Janine was exhilarated having talked to him, but her exhaustion hit hard once she got inside the house. Rather than put her things away, she stripped down to her panties and crawled into the comfort of her own bed. Laying there hugging her pillow like she often did, she realized nothing could replace the feeling of Michael’s arms wrapped tightly around her. She closed her eyes picturing his face as she drifted off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 37

  The next morning, she arrived at her office a little later than planned. She knew there’d be mounds of paperwork
awaiting her after ten days on the road. As much as she and Betty coordinated when she traveled, there were always things requiring attention upon her return. She settled at her desk and began sorting through her inbox. Betty had neatly arranged things so she could move through it all as efficiently as possible. Settling into her tasks, there was a light tap on her door. It was a little after eleven and Betty came in with a grin on her face.

  “Janine there’s a delivery for you.”

  “Really? Are we expecting anything?”

  “I can’t really answer that.” Betty’s grin grew as she opened the door wider allowing the deliveryman to enter.

  Janine stood up as the most stunning floral arrangement was brought into her office. Nearly covering the diameter of her small meeting table, the huge arrangement had all of her favorite varieties: red roses, wildflowers and lilies. As he exited, another deliveryman came in carrying a large flat wrapped package with a lovely crimson bow. Janine instructed him to place it against her bookshelf.

  “Well, well, well. Someone has an admirer, ” Betty said.

  Janine walked over to the table, removed the small card attached to the beautiful flowers:

  FOREVER’S NOT LONG ENOUGH—M

  The size of her grin soon exceeded Betty’s. The fragrant flowers wafted throughout her office. Betty stood nearby ever curious but saying nothing. Janine walked over to her bookcase and began removing the wrapping on the package. As she peeled away each protective layer, she saw it was the exhibit photograph that moved her to tears, Love and Regret.

  She turned to Betty asking to be given a little privacy. She suspected the image would unsettle her assistant. As Betty stepped out the office, Janine picked up her cell phone and called Michael. He picked up right away.

  “They’re beautiful,” she said barely above a whisper as her emotions began to overtake her.

  “I’m glad you like them,” he said softly.

  “When did you…I mean…the flowers are just…and the photograph…and then the card…” It was difficult for her to find words to adequately express all she was feeling. “I’m overwhelmed. Thank, you!”