by Donna Alward
“So the golf thing…”
“I just want to take a step back. Do something a little outside ourselves. Something normal, Kendra. I don’t remember the last time something felt normal.”
She couldn’t either, to be honest. “I’m not even sure what normal is.”
“I know. So let’s just…slow it down. See where it goes.”
She couldn’t believe he was backing off. She should be relieved, but instead she somehow felt like she was lacking in some way. That it had more to do with her than it did with him.
“Did I do something wrong? The other night…”
“Of course not.”
“I just mean…” Well, hell, it was go-for-broke time, wasn’t it? And she’d rather know the truth than some weird lame let-her-down-easy bit. “Look, I don’t have a lot of sexual experience. Because of my mom and the way I avoided relationships…” She took a deep breath. “I lost my virginity when I was twenty-two because I felt like a freak being the only woman I knew who hadn’t. It felt more like a liability than anything else. It was a relief to be honest. So if I…well, you know…”
His smile was so tender it seemed to put a little dent in her heart.
“You are so adorable.” He lifted his hand and touched her chin. “You can be tough as nails one moment and soft and unsure the next. I never quite know where I stand with you, Kendra.”
“I don’t want to be adorable.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know.”
He stroked her cheek. “I know you don’t. That’s why we shouldn’t rush into anything.”
Something warm and unusual stirred inside her, a feeling she wasn’t quite comfortable with. “I think I liked you better when you were a pain in my ass.”
“It was easier, wasn’t it?”
She nodded.
“So…teammates?” he asked. “It’s a good place to start, right?”
It was the idea of starting anything that freaked her out so much. Because starting something pretty much presumed an ending too. And endings were what she’d been avoiding her whole life. They hurt way too much.
But it was just an afternoon of golf. He wasn’t really offering any more than that, and she was making a big deal over a little thing. She nodded. “Okay. Teammates.”
Satisfied, he put his hands on his knees and stood up. “Good. I should get going then. It’s been busy at the pub and I need to get back.”
She walked him to the door. He paused in the doorway and looked down at her. “Thanks for the cake.”
She snorted. “I warned you I’m not much of a cook.”
“Doesn’t matter.” He leaned forward and kissed the crest of her cheek. “See you around.”
When he was gone, Kendra shut the door and leaned back against it. What the hell had just happened? She wasn’t sure if they’d just moved forward or if they’d taken one giant holy-shit-that-freaked-me-out step back.
She’d bet on the latter. Because even if she did allow herself to feel something for Jake—to care for him—she knew a let-her-down-easy move when she saw it. No one ever really stayed around for long anyway. They always left her eventually.
She’d bet this whole golf thing was just a consolation prize, something to smooth the way to her becoming someone he’d had a thing with once.
But she’d go, because she wasn’t about to hide away anymore. She had too much pride. Besides, if she didn’t show, Jake would know, wouldn’t he?
The last thing she wanted him to know was how much he mattered.
Chapter Eight
The holiday Monday dawned warm and clear but without the heavy humidity that had been hanging over the area for days. Jake was up at dawn, lying awake in the early light, thinking about Kendra. She was scared. He knew that well enough. He was too, but not like her.
Something had happened the night they’d been together. Talking about Khaterah had been good, and it hadn’t been easy. But it hadn’t been as difficult as he’d expected either. He would never forget her, but he was coming to grips with it, making sense of it all. He was also smart enough to know that it wasn’t just crazy, hot sex with Kendra. There was something more between them, something he didn’t want to wreck by going too fast. He didn’t want to drown himself in Kendra as some sort of displacement activity. And he cared enough about her to know he didn’t want to become her addiction either.
It had taken him a long time, but he finally felt like living again. It was a damned good feeling.
He got to the course early to help his mom and dad finish setting up the prize tables. The clubhouse was quiet, a few dedicated members teeing off to do their round before the tournament started. Jake watched as his mother put her arm around his dad as they stood back and examined the banner hanging from the main table. She stepped forward and made an adjustment then back again. They were such a strong unit, his parents. He’d probably shut them out too much since he got back home.
“Looks good,” he said, walking up to them.
His mom beamed up at him. “You’re here bright and early.”
“It’s a good day for golf. Need any help?”
“I think we’ve got it covered. You look good, Jake. Better than I’ve seen you look in a long time.”
“Thanks.” He looked into his dad’s face. They looked a lot alike, though there were deeper lines around his father’s eyes. Jake wondered how many of those he was responsible for. “Hey, Dad.”
“Saw you’ve got a partner for this one. Kendra Givens? Really?” Ray Symonds’s smile was slightly crooked as he grinned at Jake. “Isn’t she the one who threw you in the drunk tank a few years back?”
“Don’t remind me,” Jake replied. “She’s all right. Helped out with the B&E at my place a while back.”
“Are you…”
Jake looked down at his mom. She looked so hopeful. “It’s early days, all right? Heck, a month ago we were barely speaking to each other, so no pressure from you, okay?”
“Okay.” She smiled, squeezing his arm. “And I think the other pair in your team has arrived. There’s Gabe and Carly.”
The three of them had registered and put their clubs on their cart when Kendra arrived. She looked cute, dressed in a pink skort with white trim and a white golf shirt. She carried a set of clubs that Jake could see were rentals, and her ponytail bobbed above a pink-and-white sun visor. She did look adorable, though he knew she’d hate it if he called her that again.
“You made it.” Great start, Jake, he chided himself, so he reached for her clubs and put them on the back of the cart.
“Of course I did. I had to stop and pick up a set of clubs.”
She smiled and greeted Gabe and Carly. “What time do we tee off?”
He checked his watch. “Another fifteen minutes. Do you want a coffee or anything?”
“That’d be nice.” She smiled at him, hesitantly, and his heart turned over. She really was insecure, wasn’t she? Beneath all the bravado she showed in her work, when it came to her personal life she lacked confidence in herself. He understood why. She’d lost her father at a young age, and she’d really lost her mother too. No one had ever shown her how to be close to anyone. No one had ever taught her that sometimes people hung around. Maybe Jake had gone AWOL from his family for a while, but he’d never questioned that they’d be there for him.
But Kendra didn’t believe in that. And even if she did, she didn’t trust in it.
Maybe it was about time she did.
He came back with coffee—hers black, like he remembered—and handed it to her. She took a quick sip and smiled up at him. “Not as good as yours, but it’ll do.”
“I’m glad you came.”
“Me too.” She took another sip and looked around. “Good crowd. Oh look, the fire department’s put in a team.” She waved at Chris Jackson, the fireman who’d been on the accident call. One of the team called over, a good-natured jab about EMTs and police being last, and Gabe answered back for both of them,
causing a good deal of laughter among the carts.
Jake nudged her with his shoulder. “See? Fun.”
“Jake, I—”
“Shhh,” he said, wanting to keep it light and upbeat. “I’m just glad you’re here with me today, Kendra. No matter what the score is at the end of the day.”
Her gaze caught his and she looked about to say something, but Carly interrupted.
“We’re up next,” she said. “Better get going so we don’t hold up the line.”
Jake watched as Carly teed off from the ladies’ tee first, and then Kendra. To his surprise, she hit a fairly decent shot, about a hundred yards and straight down the fairway. “I thought you said you didn’t golf,” he remarked, taking a tee from his pocket.
She grinned. “I didn’t. I squeezed in a few lessons this week.”
He shook his head. “Were you always this driven?” He put the ball on his tee and looked over at her.
“I didn’t want to embarrass us both.”
He gave her a wink. “You could never embarrass me.”
“Is that a challenge?”
They were bantering again and he loved it, even as Gabe was waiting to tee off behind him.
“If you want it to be.”
His concentration was shot but he took a breath, lined up and made the shot. The ball sailed high and then sliced to the right. “Dammit.”
He stood aside while Gabe teed off. Kendra laughed quietly at him. “What happened?”
He angled her a look. “I miscalculated asking you to be my partner. You’re too much of a distraction. Especially in that little pink thing. You’ve got great legs, Constable.”
She blushed. “Are you flirting with me?”
Their arms were almost brushing, and she looked up at him from under the peak of her visor.
“I’m trying. Is it working?”
She shrugged, but when she moved to get into the cart she gave a little jut of her hip that made him laugh and other parts of his body respond uncomfortably.
It was going to be a long round.
Kendra slid her putter into her golf bag and rolled her shoulders. It had been a fabulous morning. She hadn’t embarrassed herself too badly on the course, and she’d relaxed and had fun with Gabe and Carly. She’d been so aware of Jake that her body felt like it was suspended in a heightened state of anticipation. Every casual touch, every time he teased her about her form, every compliment he paid took on a bigger meaning than normal.
But that was the problem, wasn’t it? It felt normal. And she knew that normal didn’t truly exist. And she knew she couldn’t trust days like today. They only set her up to be hurt later.
Gabe drove the cart back to the clubhouse, Jake riding up front and Carly in the back with her. Carly sighed happily. “It was a fun day, wasn’t it? It’s the first time I’ve left the baby for this long.”
Kendra smiled. “She’s with your mum?”
Carly nodded. “Yeah. I’m still getting used to this whole thing with Gabe, you know? And we’re planning the wedding and getting my house ready to put on the market. It was good to have a day to forget about all that and just have fun.” She smiled at Kendra. “I’m really glad you came, Kendra. Gabe’s always spoken so highly of you, and Jake seems pretty happy.”
“It’s not like that,” Kendra replied. She knew people were going to make assumptions, but all she could do was just refute them simply, right?
Carly laughed. “You could’ve fooled me. I see the way he looks at you.” When Kendra stared at her, Carly’s smile widened. “And how you look at him.”
“It’s…” How much could she say? How much could she trust? It was a new feeling, and one she longed to be a part of. She frowned a little and then said, “It’s just early, you know? Too early to call us a couple.”
Carly’s eyes softened. “It’s not always easy, is it?”
Kendra tried to smile. “Anyway, it was a fun day, right?”
“Right,” Carly answered, and once Gabe parked the cart, Kendra scrambled out to retrieve her clubs and return them to the rental shop.
But she wasn’t safe there either. A tall man who looked remarkably like Jake—right down to the hazel eyes—came up beside her as she waited her turn. “Kendra, right? I’m John Symonds, Jake’s dad.”
Dear Lord, was this ever going to end? Kendra pasted on a smile and shook the hand he held out. “Hi.”
“Thanks for coming out today. It’s good to see Jake get out more. We were sort of worried when he threw himself into working at the pub so much.”
“Oh, well…” Her discomfort grew. “I didn’t really have anything to do with that. Jake invited me today, not the other way around.”
And then John smiled, that same half-grin Jake used when he was feeling particularly confident. “You’re good for him. His mother and I have noticed he’s been different lately.”
She looked away, handing the clubs back in and taking the moment to regroup. When she turned back around she put on her most polite smile. “We’re just friends, Mr. Symonds. I wouldn’t want you or Jake’s mom to get your hopes up. We’re not a couple.”
She never should have come today.
She looked up to see Jake standing not five feet away, watching her closely. John cleared his throat and took a step back.
“Jake,” he said, giving a nod.
Jake nodded back. “Dad.”
John left them alone, but there was still a fair crowd in the pro shop. Jake took her hand and tugged, his grip firm, and she knew she couldn’t release her hand without making a fairly good production of it. He led her outdoors, past the clubhouse entrance, past the large windows overlooking the valley.
He finally released her hand when they were beneath the shade of a large maple tree.
“Jake, what I said to your dad—”
“Did you mean it? That we’re not a couple?”
She couldn’t believe he was asking. “Of course I meant it. Good Lord. We agreed that today was just as friends. You don’t need to sound so insulted.”
“I never agreed it was just as friends.”
She wrinkled her brow. “Yes, you did. I distinctly remember you saying that at my apartment. You said teammates.”
“I said we needed to slow things down. I meant,” he added significantly, “that we didn’t need to be jumping into bed. I never said I didn’t want to.”
Didn’t he? “That’s what I understood.”
His eyes suddenly looked sad as they gazed into hers. “Of course you did. Because you don’t see yourself as loveable. You get very little from people because you don’t expect things of them. You don’t want me to care for you. You don’t want me to want you because you don’t expect someone can. You don’t demand it. Instead you hide away. Behind your uniform. In your apartment.”
“Like you hide behind the bar? I know, Jake. And even if I didn’t, your dad enlightened me.”
“But I don’t deny it.” Jake squeezed her fingers. “I know you’re scared. I know you feel like you’re in strange territory. But it doesn’t have to be scary, Kendra.”
She was scared. “I don’t want to care for you. I know this is just temporary for you. If I let my feelings get involved, the one who is going to get hurt is me.”
He dropped her hand and ran his fingers through his hair. “I also never said this was temporary. You can be so frustrating,” he said, pacing a few steps. “And a lot of work.”
“Then why bother?” She shrugged as she said it, using her defensiveness as armor. It felt good, familiar.
“Because relationships are work. And for most of your life you’ve felt like you weren’t worth the bother. Maybe it’s time someone showed you that you are.”
She stepped back, unable to think of a single thing to say. Did he mean him? Impossible. Jake Symonds didn’t do relationships. Jake Symonds was a wild card, reckless and cavalier.
Only he wasn’t, and she knew it.
“That scares you to death, doesn’t it?�
� he asked. She still couldn’t find the words to answer as everything seemed to freeze inside her. “The idea that someone might care for you. That someone might want to be with you. That someone might actually stick around.”
It was the last words that opened up something inside her. “You don’t know what it’s like,” she replied harshly. “You and your perfect family. You never had to wonder if you were loved. You probably had your clothes washed and groceries in the fridge and the heat on. You knew your father was coming home from work and that your mother would be there to soothe your hurts. Well, I never had that, Jake! So excuse me if I have a hard time believing you.”
“But you do believe me, and that’s the trouble, isn’t it?” His eyes blazed at her. “You know I mean it. I do care for you. I do want to be with you. And I might just stick around. It’s not me caring that scares you. It’s that you might just care for me. You might have to put yourself out there and care back. And then that runs the risk of someone disappointing you. So instead of letting yourself care for anyone, you build a wall around yourself so no one can get in.”
He stepped forward, tipped up her chin. “Except I did get in. The very last person you wanted.”
She stumbled backwards, away from the gentle warmth of his touch, away from his eyes that seemed to see right into the heart of her. “Can you give me guarantees?”
“Of course not. No one can.” He leaned back against the trunk of the tree. “God, Ken. I was in Afghanistan. I know how useless guarantees are. But it doesn’t take being a cop or a soldier to face risks. Life is a risk. Look at that girl in the accident. Sometimes things are out of our control. People leave. People die.” His voice shook on that last word. “But goddamn it, it doesn’t mean we stop living or looking for things to make life worthwhile.”
“I don’t know how.” It was the only answer she knew to give.
“I know that. It’s why I told you I wanted to take things slow. To step back. Because I knew words weren’t going to cut it. Because I knew I was going to have to show you.”
It was like he was holding out something beautiful and fragile. All she had to do was reach out and take it.
“You have to let people love you,” he said quietly. “Otherwise what’s the point?”
