At Seventeen

by Gerri Hill

  “And now?”

  “You mean now that Shannon is back?”

  “No. I mean…your life. Now what?”

  Madison looked away, the tissue squeezed tightly in her hand. “I want to leave Stephen.” Saying the words out loud seemed to take some of the pressure off of her. She looked at Alice again. “I want to divorce him.”

  Alice nodded and took her hand, holding it lightly. “Then that’s what you should do.”

  “My mother—”

  “It’s time your mother stopped running your life, Madison. It’s past time.”

  “That’s easier said than done.”

  “No. That’s not true. The first step is always the hardest. Your mother takes it for granted, Madison. You’ve always allowed it. I saw it when you were a child. I saw it in high school. In college. Your wedding.” She shook her head. “Did you have any say in the planning?”

  “No. Of course, I didn’t really care. I didn’t want to get married.”

  “No. But you got married anyway. And your mother picked out your house and you let her. I had hoped that when you married and moved out from under her, that things would change. Even when Ashton was born, I kept hoping she would let you go, let you be who you really are.”

  “Oh, Alice…why couldn’t you have been my mother?”

  Alice smiled and squeezed her hand. “All things happen for a reason, I suppose. Life has so many peaks and valleys, ups and downs, you simply have to appreciate the highs and learn from the lows,” she said. “I’ll be here for anything you need, Madison. You’ve been like a daughter to me, you know. With Shannon staying away like she did—”

  “I’m so sorry. She did that because of me.”

  “I know she did. She would never tell me, but I knew. I could see the pain in her eyes. Just like I could see it in yours.”

  Madison took a deep breath. “I don’t have any expectations for us. It’s been so long, I don’t know if we could get that back. But I hope we can salvage a friendship. I really need her right now, Alice. I just don’t know how much she trusts me.”

  “I too hope you can get your friendship back. You have to take it slowly. She’ll come around.”

  Madison smiled. “I invited her to dinner,” she said. “Stephen is gone this week. I wanted to talk to her about…well, about leaving my marriage. She’s so independent and I’m quite the opposite. I hope I can learn from her.”

  “Did she accept?”

  Madison nodded. “After a little prodding,” she said with a smile. “I’m going to make that spaghetti you taught me. Vegetables instead of meatballs.”

  “I’ve also seen her make some kind of a white sauce, with tofu, that she puts over pasta.” Alice smiled at her and patted her hand. “I’m glad she’s going.”

  “I think she wanted to decline,” Madison admitted.

  “Yes, well, Shannon has become a little stubborn in her old age,” Alice said with a laugh.

  “Excuse me?”

  They turned to find Shannon standing at the door, watching them. Madison wondered how much she’d heard as Shannon’s eyes scanned hers.

  “I’ll admit to the stubborn part but old age?”

  Alice smiled at her. “Come join us,” she offered. “There’s tea.”

  “I think I’ll grab a beer, if that’s okay,” Shannon said. “I’ve done about as much damage as I can do on the design for one day.” She glanced at Madison. “Tea okay or would you like something else?”

  “Tea’s fine,” she said. “I can’t stay much longer. I have a dinner to plan,” she said with a grin.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Shannon closed the door on her truck, staring up at the house that Madison now called home. While not at all as elaborate—or imposing—as the mansion, it was still impressive and certainly made a statement as to their social status…and their wealth. She’d guess the lots were at least an acre each with the homes on them all four to five thousand square feet. The landscaping was immaculate and well-designed, leaving mature trees surrounding the house. Seasonal flowers were crowded into every available space, the color splashing brightly across the green lawn.

  She stepped onto the sidewalk that curved perfectly through the trees, slicing the lawn in half. She took a deep breath as she stood at the front door, thinking again that this was a bad idea. Her mother wanted them to be friends. Madison wanted them to be friends. Shannon wasn’t so sure. There was too much history between them. Too much left unsettled.

  But no. It was settled, wasn’t it? Madison was married. End of story. With that thought, she pushed the doorbell, hearing the subtle yet elegant ring tone announcing her presence. Madison opened the door a few seconds later, looking flushed.

  “You came early. Good. Because I’m lost.”

  Shannon raised her eyebrows. “Well, it’s a big house. I’d get lost too.”

  Madison laughed, her eyes sparkling. “Very funny. No, lost in the kitchen,” she clarified.

  “You’re cooking?”

  “I told you I would.”

  Shannon’s eyes followed the length of her—silk blouse, black pants, black pumps—then back up, jewelry and makeup in place, all matching perfectly. She then looked at her own clothes—her nicest pair of jeans, her running shoes, her T-shirt emblazoned with “Fletcher’s Natural Foods Market.”

  “You should have warned me,” she said. “I didn’t realize it was going to be such a formal dinner.” She held up a bottle. “I did bring wine, though.”

  “Oh, Shannon, it’s not formal.” She motioned to her clothes. “This is just…never mind.” She smiled again. “Please come in.”

  Shannon stepped inside, the entryway large and open. She paused. “Do I get a tour?”

  Madison shook her head. “Trust me. You don’t want one.” She closed the door and Shannon followed her through the house—formal living room, a quick glance into a less formal sitting area, and finally into the kitchen.

  Shannon stopped, staring at what she could only describe as a mess. Four pots, two pans and three bowls—all in various stages of meal prep—littered the stove and countertops. She laughed.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  Madison laughed too. “Making dinner.”

  Shannon walked closer, inspecting the contents of the pots. One was filled with water and pasta. Another had vegetables, still uncooked. A third had some sort of tomato sauce. The fourth…some kind of white sauce. She looked at Madison with raised eyebrows.

  “It looked easier when your mother made this.”

  “My mother?”

  “She’s been…well…teaching me to cook.”

  “I see.”

  “And it’s not like you’re normal,” Madison said, pointing to her. “A steak would have been much easier. Of course, I don’t know how to use the gas grill.”

  Shannon laughed. “Oh, the plight of the rich and pampered.” She handed Madison the bottle of wine she still held as she surveyed the kitchen, trying to decide if she could salvage dinner. “Spaghetti?”

  Madison nodded. “The sauce has been simmering for an hour now. Your mother said to make some vegetables since you don’t eat meatballs or anything like that.”

  “Okay. Rule number one. Bring the water to a boil before you add the pasta,” she said. “If you have more pasta, I think we can…do something with the rest of this.” She picked up the small pot that had the white sauce. “What’s this?”

  “Tofu.”

  “My mother is teaching you how to cook with tofu? She doesn’t even know what tofu is.”

  Madison nodded. “And it’s nasty.”

  Shannon looked in the pot again. “So what did you do?”

  “I put it in a blender,” she said, pointing to the blender in question.

  “No seasonings?”

  Madison shook her head.

  “Okay. Well, let’s stick to the tomato sauce then.” She put the pan in the sink. “I’m going to need wine.” She sampled the sauce. “Lots of w
ine,” she murmured. “For me and the sauce.”

  An hour later, they were sitting at the breakfast table with plates piled high of spaghetti and vegetables, topped with a rich-tasting sauce.

  “So just how much time do you spend with my mother?” Shannon asked as she twisted pasta around her fork.

  “This is so good,” Madison said. “Your mother didn’t mention adding wine to the sauce.”

  Shannon watched her. “So?”

  Madison wiped her mouth with a cloth napkin before taking a sip of wine. “I see her, I don’t know, often, I guess.” She smiled at Shannon almost apologetically. “Honestly, at first, when Ashton was a baby, I turned to your mother for help. I didn’t want a nanny and my mother was useless. So that’s when it started. Ashton loves her to death, as you know.” She paused. “And I felt guilty.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I knew the reason you stayed away from Brook Hill was because of me. I knew that Alice missed you.” She held up her hand. “Not that I was trying to take your place or anything like that,” she said quickly, “but I knew she missed having someone here, having someone to take care of. We became close.”

  Shannon raised an eyebrow. “How close?”

  “Close enough that I can tell her anything. That’s a relationship I never had with my own mother.” Madison met her eyes across the table. “She knows about us, by the way.”

  Shannon nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I know. We had the talk the other night. Surprised the hell out of me.”

  Madison smiled too. “Me too. But I was glad she brought it up. She was so…understanding about it all.”

  “I was so certain she would have freaked out,” she said.

  “She lived with us. She had to have known. We obviously weren’t that good at hiding it.”

  There were so many things Shannon wanted to say, wanted to ask, but she wasn’t ready to go down that road. Instead, she chose another topic.

  “Why don’t you want to give me a tour of the house?”

  Madison smiled slightly and nodded, acknowledging Shannon’s attempt at changing the subject. She put her fork down and picked up her wineglass. “Because I hate this house. It’s not a home. It’s just a house my mother picked out.”

  “Your mother?”

  “Yes.”

  Shannon shook her head. “You let your mother pick out your house?”

  Madison smiled quickly. “Not only that, she decorated it as well.”

  Shannon stared at her. “Why on earth would you allow that?”

  Madison looked away. “Because I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t want to be married and I didn’t care where we lived.” She shrugged. “So my mother took it and ran with it.” She pointed to her clothes. “Same here.”

  “Oh my God. She picks out your clothes?” Shannon shook her head again. “Why have you allowed that? Madison, you’re not a kid anymore. I know when we were young, she picked out your clothes, but you’re an adult, you’re married. You have a kid.”

  “I know all of that, Shannon. I know. It’s just…” She shrugged again. “It’s easier to go with it than to fight her.”

  Shannon stared at her. “So everything in your life…it’s your mother?”

  “Or Stephen.”

  “I can’t believe you would continue to allow that, Madison. Why would you put up with that kind of…control?” Shannon got up from the table, her dinner forgotten. She leaned against the counter, her gaze drifting back to Madison. “All this time, I thought all of this,” she said, motioning to the house, “was what you wanted.”

  “Oh, Shannon, you know that’s not true. You remember how it was. My mother always made me feel so…young, so dependent. You, of all people, should know that. I never wanted to get married.”

  “Yet you did,” Shannon countered quickly. “You got married. You went through with it.” And suddenly, all the years of anger and frustration came rolling back in full force, and she could no longer stop the words that tumbled from her mouth. “How did it feel, Madison? How did it feel to live a lie? All this time, living someone else’s life…how does it feel?”

  “Stop, Shannon. Don’t.”

  “Don’t? You’ve been unhappy all these years, Madison. For what? For your mother? For your family?”

  “There was no choice,” she said. “My mother made sure the family name always came first.”

  “Bullshit. That’s not how it works in the real world.”

  “That’s how it works in my world.”

  “That’s insane,” she said. “You got married—you stayed married—for the sake of your name? That’s just crazy.”

  “I know that.”

  “So why? Why do it? Why put yourself through that?” She paused, meeting Madison’s eyes. “Why put me through that?”

  Madison looked away. “Please stop, Shannon.”

  “No. I want to know. I want to know why you did it. Why were you content to live this lie? All these years, Madison. A lie. What was it like?”

  “What do you want me to say?” She looked back at her again. “What do you want to me say?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want you to say.” She paced, going across the room, then back toward the table, hands running through her hair, trying to make sense of her thoughts. In her mind’s eye, all she could see was Madison and Stephen together. She closed her eyes, hoping to shred the image but it lingered. She clenched her fists together. “All these years married to him, living with him,” she said quietly. “What was it like, Madison?” She met her eyes, holding them. “What was it like when he touched you? Did you think of me?”

  “Shannon…don’t. Please.”

  “Did you? When he made love to you, were you wishing it was me? Were you wishing it was me touching you and not him?”

  “Shannon—”

  “Was it my hands on your body and not his?” She ignored the tears she saw in Madison’s eyes as her words kept coming. “Did you ever think of me, Madison? Or did you forget about me? Forget about us? When you made love to Stephen, did you—”

  “Stop it!” Madison said loudly, slamming her fists on the table, rattling the dinnerware. “Yes, Shannon. Yes. I thought of you. Always. Is that what you want to hear?” She wiped the tears from her cheeks, her eyes never leaving Shannon’s. “I hated being with him. I hated when he touched me. Is that what you want to know?”

  Madison’s tears finally got to her, and Shannon hated herself at that moment. “God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “No, don’t. I don’t want your pity,” Madison said quietly. “I don’t deserve it. Because it’s all true.”

  Shannon shook her head. “I’m sorry. I had no right to talk to you that way.”

  “We should be able to talk about this.” Madison wiped her eyes with her napkin, then tossed it down. “We’ve never talked about it. So I know you needed to say…all that. You’ve been so good about everything, Shannon. Always. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to put a stop to it all. But the wheels were in motion from the time I was born. Probably before. You know how it was.”

  Shannon went back to the table and sat down again. “Yes. I know. I’m sorry,” she said again.

  Madison took a deep breath, her eyes still damp with tears. “I need…I need a friend, Shannon. I don’t have anybody.” She cleared her throat. “I want to leave Stephen. I want to divorce him.” Madison paused, letting her words sink in. “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.”

  Shannon stared in disbelief. “You’re going to…divorce him?”

  Madison nodded. “I always thought that Ashton was the reason I stayed. But that’s not true. The reason is, I’ve been afraid to leave him.”

  “Afraid?” Shannon reached over and lightly squeezed her arm. “Please say he doesn’t hit you.”

  Madison shook her head. “No. Never. But I’m afraid of what he’ll say, what he’ll do. I’m afraid of what my mother will say. She’ll be devas
tated. And furious.”

  “It’s your life, Madison. Not hers.”

  “I know. But I don’t have any practice at this. I don’t have any…any confidence in myself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Everything in my life was based on what my mother said, what she did, what she provided for me. Everything I learned, everything I—”

  Shannon stopped her. “Not everything, Madison,” she said pointedly.

  Madison smiled quickly. “I think about when we were young, all we did. It still shocks me that I was able to do that without being terrified of my mother finding us.”

  Shannon laughed. “That’s because I was terrified enough for both of us.”

  They were quiet for a moment, then Madison reached for Shannon’s hand. Shannon watched as their fingers entwined and the familiarity of it was so strong, it could have been only yesterday that they were lovers.

  “I need you in my life, Shannon. As a friend.”

  Shannon nodded.

  “I’m going to leave Stephen, but I need it to be about me. I don’t want it to be about you. Do you understand?”

  Shannon nodded again, raising her eyes to meet Madison’s.

  “I’ve been unhappy and I need a change…for me. I wanted you to know I have no expectations of anything…with you. In fact, I don’t think I’m emotionally sound enough for that anyway.” She gave a slight laugh and pulled her hand from Shannon’s. “Of course, I have no idea how you feel anymore, it’s been so many years. You…you probably have someone anyway.”

  Shannon bit her lip. Did she? Did Ally count? She decided she did.

  “I…I date. I’ve been seeing someone. Ally.” She shrugged. “For a while now.” She was surprised by the pain she saw in Madison’s eyes, and she wanted to take her words back, but Madison smiled quickly, hiding her emotions.

  “Good for you. You deserve to have someone in your life.”

  At that, Shannon shook her head. “She’s not someone in my life, Madison. She’s just…she’s—”

  “Someone you have sex with?”

  Shannon blushed and ducked her head. She’d never lied to Madison before. No need to start now. “God, who am I kidding?” She looked up, meeting her gaze. “I wouldn’t really call it dating. I’ve been told I make a lousy date. You see, I forget to call. I forget dinner. Ally is simply the last woman I’ve tried to have a relationship with.” She shrugged. “But it doesn’t matter. Like you said, it’s been a lot of years. I think we’re past all that.” She sat up straighter. “So, yeah, I can be your friend.”