Faith In Love

by Liann Snow

  "Let's get on with the story Faith, shall we? It's what you've come for. Eva now, how can I put it? She's not what Don thinks, Faith, that's for certain. She's definitely more of a woman's woman. At the hotel, oh, it sounds fanciful, but she was a regular Romeo with the chambermaids! Course, I didn't know that straight away, it was all done behind my back. I had to find it all out for myself in the long run, much like you have Faith, and your poor little girl.

  She did love me though, I'm not saying she didn't; she loves everyone, or no one. Mostly she loves herself. She does like to be with men, too. Well, me, Don of course, and a few before we met. But mostly, I promise you, it's women that interest her. Small, dark women, like you usually, and, well, Carol.

  I have to say Faith, if I'd known you knew her, either of you, I could have predicted the nature of the relationship."

  "You make it sound inevitable Phil, like a compulsion. She was, still is, living with a blonde."

  "Exception that proves the rule."

  "She's not a force of nature, though. She's human. She can make choices. She must take responsibility for her actions, Phil. Like we all must! Like Don must!"

  "I wasn't surprised by him, either. It's just what he would do. Ever since we were boys, he's wanted what I've got, even if it's not as good or as much as he had. Just because I have it, he must have it. By whatever means."

  "Inevitable, again?"

  "Exactly."

  "Sociopaths, both?"

  "A matching set."

  "Deserved each other?"

  "Precisely."

  "You may have a point there, Phil."

  ~ ~ ~

  "You can stay the night if you want to, Faith. It's a long way to travel back so late."

  "On the settee, Phil?"

  "In the spare room if you like, Faith."

  "I will stay then, if you don't mind. I must phone Don, though. Otherwise he'll worry."

  "He doesn't deserve you, Faith."

  "You may have a point there too, Phil."

  Friday, April 8

  "I'm glad you're home, Faith. I've missed you."

  "You're going to miss me a lot more. You're going up to visit your brother."

  "Phil? When?"

  "Now. You can have dinner on the train. Stay up there a while. I'll phone the office Monday – you're entitled to some sick leave."

  "You're sure he wants to see me?"

  "He's your brother."

  "If I was him, I'd do me in."

  "You're not him. Now get going."

  "I could go to the football match."

  "For a change!"

  "You're sure you'll be all right on your own?"

  "I won't be on my own. I've got my daughter to look out for me. It's about time we spent a bit of time together, just the two of us."

  "Is she happy with that?"

  "She is."

  "I'll see you next week then. If I'm still alive."

  ~ ~ ~

  Don snoozes on the Intercity up to Lancashire. Is it a dream or a memory that floods his brain?

  Eva to Don: You could say you come up for the football. She'll never know. Like you did this weekend."

  "Yeah, but I'm a Spurs supporter. They're playing away!"

  "So are you."

  "All right, all right."

  "Just tell her you've changed your team!"

  "I can't do that!"

  "Don't be daft, just pretend. Tell her you've fallen in love with United's goalie or something. She'll go for that!"

  "Now you're being daft. She won't believe I've changed my team, just like that."

  "Donald, she will!"

  "She bloody won't, you don't know her like I do!"

  "I know her well enough. Trust me, Donald! She will believe it. I know women! I am one, remember?"

  "She's not a woman, she's my wife! She'll know I'm lying."

  "Isn't it worth it? You could come up every couple of weeks, when they're playing at home."

  "I'd miss seeing Spurs! I'd sooner get a divorce!"

  "You can be so foolish, Donald. You'd lose your home, your job probably. You'd never see your daughter again, all because of your childish loyalty to one football team."

  "Eva! I couldn't pretend to support a team I don't support! I couldn't keep it up!"

  "I'm disappointed, but not surprised."

  "Faith would catch me out."

  "Faith would not catch you out. People don't see what's staring them in the face, let alone things that a clever person has taken some trouble to camouflage."

  "I'm not that clever, Eva."

  "I didn't mean you. Listen, Donnie, I guarantee she will accept that you have changed teams, necessitating a fortnightly flight northwards. She will accept this, without demur, for two reasons. One, she will be glad of the break –"

  "Hey!"

  "– in routine, I mean, Don-Don, and, secondly, she will see it as yet another overflowing of your boyish enthusiasm, which of course it is, though not in fact for footie."

  "Sex, not soccer!"

  "Fucking, not football! Yes! So, you will do it?"

  "I'll give it a go, Eva. Though if it doesn't work out, we'll have to rethink."

  "It'll work out. I promise."

  ~ ~ ~

  "I should never have married him. I knew it was a mistake. Even at the altar I was thinking, 'At least I can get a divorce!'"

  "Eva! You weren't."

  "I was, Don. I picked the wrong brother, that's all there is to it."

  "I agree with that!"

  = CHAPTER 10 =

  Saturday, April 9

  "Carol! Wow! These veggie sausages are really great! Why didn't you tell me? God, to think I could have bought these instead of those poor pig's bits your dad always demanded. He would never have known the difference. Bangers and mash, lovely! You can cook again, my girl. In fact, you've just been appointed head chef! You can come with me to Tesco's tomorrow as well. Will you do that? I'll see my Sunday shopping duties in a whole new light, I bet. Should be fun."

  Monday, April 11

  Faith gets a letter. Unfamiliar handwriting and a central London postmark.

  "It was always you that I wanted, my little gypsy curly head, you that I loved. It was because I wanted to get close to you. That's why I did everything I did. I've loved you since the day we met. Since my wedding day.

  So sweet, so petite in your smartest clothes. To do honour to me and to Phil. I was touched. I was moved by you. Neither Don nor Phil nor the little one nor anyone else ever did that. Only you have touched my heart. Please do me one last favour if you ever cared for me at all. Visit me, please, on your day off next Thursday. You know where. I swear, love, only you! E"

  Faith does not throw the letter away, though she thinks of doing that. Neither does she show the letter to Carol (she doesn't think of doing that). Instead, she folds the letter into the tiniest possible square and puts it in her purse.

  Thursday, April 14

  Faith is in the Soho flat with Eva. Eva tried to embrace Faith at the door when she arrived. Faith evaded her. Eva shrugged and let Faith precede her into the flat.

  Logs are burning on the fire as before. A small lamp is the only other source of light. The candles have gone.

  Faith sits down in the same armchair she sat in on her first visit to the flat. Eva surprises her by pulling up a hard-back chair and seating herself on that. Eva is wearing a black short skirt. Her long legs gleam in the mellow light.

  "Why the summons?" says Faith.

  "No need to look at it like that, is there? I'm your friend. I want to see you. I miss you."

  "How's Joan?"

  Eva sighed. An unreadable expression flickered across her face. "Of course, that's over for me now, as is the Don thing, and of course the Carol thing." She smiled and crossed one gleaming leg over the other. The skirt is very short.

  "Seems it's all over for me at present. Dare say it's for the best. I need to spend some time by myself, thinking things through, doing penanc
e for my bad behaviour."

  She uncrossed and crossed her legs again, more slowly.

  Faith thinks, she's smiling again. Her eyes are bright. She may be about to cry. Is she trying to turn me on? Is she succeeding? Oh, yes, I think she is, on both counts. Better leave now. Never knew it could take so little. Don't even like the woman, might even detest her, yet there she is, legs flashing and my knickers are wet. Who'd have thought it?

  "Look, I'm sorry you're on your own, but it's your own fault after all. I have to go now anyway, I appreciate you wanting to talk to me."

  "You weren't always so formal, Faith. No need to thank me anyway, I like to be truthful. Lying is such a bloody bore. Necessary sometimes, that's all."

  "Much of the time. I'd say. For you, anyway."

  "Oh, you do understand!"

  "No, not really, I wouldn't have made the choices you did."

  "If you were me you would."

  "In your shoes I wouldn't have done what you did."

  "You're very sure, Faith. But don't you ever do wrong things, get in messes because you follow your heart?"

  "You know I do."

  "Faith, I love you." Eva stood up slowly. Bent slowly and just as slowly drew her right hand up the inside of one gleaming thigh. Her dark eyes were locked onto Faith's startled gaze.

  Desire snapped like a whip through Faith's shocked body. "Eva!" she heard herself say. And as Eva reached for her, Faith fled the room and hurtled down all three flights of stairs and out into the night.

  Before she had time to change her mind.

  Faith heard Eva calling from the window as she turned the corner. She didn't look back.

  = CHAPTER 11 =

  Saturday, April 16

  "Carol. Thank you for taking me into your confidence. Telling me all the things you have felt and struggled with. I just wondered darling –"

  "Mum. What is it?"

  "I've got something to tell you before your dad gets in. Something you won't have heard before and I want you to keep to yourself. Will you keep it to yourself?"

  "Mum, what? Tell me! I won't tell anyone."

  "It's my story – of when I was your age and I loved a girl."

  "Mum!"

  "You're shocked, aren't you? I thought you might be, even though you, well you're like you are."

  "It was before you met dad, mum, if you were my age. I might not have been born!"

  "Oh, that's what's worrying you! Come here, darling. Sit with me. Let's be clear about this. I had many years of happiness with your father. I fell pregnant with you, which made me even happier. We were both delighted when you were born. The most perfect, miraculous baby anyone ever saw. It's just that before I met your father; before I met any man, I had a very dear friend. And I loved her."

  "Mum, that's lovely."

  "Yes, well in those days we didn't have any Gay Pride or anything. No clubs we could go to, no support groups. I mean, there may have been, but it wasn't known. So, we just visited each other's house, sat in each other's parents' garden, drinking flowery white wine. And sometimes, if the parents had gone out we sneaked into bed for an hour or two. And I have to admit, Carol, that, even at that age, it was bliss! I've never been happier."

  "But you loved dad, mum!"

  "I still do, Carol or I wouldn't still be here. I'd have taken off with you under my arm and run off to join the circus!"

  "I'm a bit big to be carted off, aren't I? Anyway, what happened to the girl?"

  "Clare. Her name was Clare. Well, one day my mum said to me "You'll be wanting to go out with boys soon." It sounded like a command; as if I had no choice but to obey. But I thought, well, I won't obey. I'll follow my heart. I'll run away with Clare and take care of her for the rest of my life."

  "Oh mum."

  "What?"

  "It's lovely. So what did you do?"

  "Well, I didn't do anything. I would have been brave; I would have been brave enough for both of us. But, her mum had told her not to see me, so she didn't. I didn't have a chance. I guessed later on that my mum and hers had got together about us, they thought our friendship was getting "unhealthy". That was the word they used."

  "But you loved each other!"

  "No, Carol. That was just it. I loved her, but she didn't love me. All that wonderful feeling between us meant something entirely different to her. She started going out with boys almost immediately. I used to see her with them."

  "Poor mummy. Maybe she was just scared."

  "Maybe. Anyway, less than a year later I met your dad and your uncle, Phil. The rest is history."

  "What did Clare look like, mum?"

  "Dark hair, dark eyes. Why?"

  "Just wondered. Tall?"

  "No! So there."

  Sunday, April 17

  "So, mum, tell me how you ended up getting hitched to dad?"

  "Well, there weren't any more women to distract me, till recently as you know. He was more or less the first boy I was at all interested in."

  "Was he just a boy?"

  "He was twenty-one. A young man. Handsome, articulate, witty, ambitious. Best of the bunch. We certainly didn't have to get married, though, you'll be pleased to hear. It was just your father, he suddenly came up with the idea out of the blue, and I said yes. It seemed like the obvious next step once he'd thought of it. He proposed on New Year's Eve 1976.

  I was married in white, in church. Why ever not? If you're going to do it, do it right, I say. Haven't you seen the photos? Surely you have. Certainly my mum did take me aside and ask me, not in so many words of course, if, well we were "expecting". I was quite pleased to tell her no, it seemed more like a love match then. Like we'd chosen each other.

  I wasn't pregnant then, and I never was for years, though I never used any contraceptives till after you were born. Then the doctor said we better make sure not to have any more for a while, because it was quite a difficult birth. They had to use forceps."

  "Mum! Do you mind! That's revolting!"

  "It's just Nature, darling. Anyway I had to go on the pill and I've been on it ever since. No side effects, except I put on a few pounds which made me rounder in the body than I was before and I think Don found that an improvement. The other thing was, I stopped having the really heavy periods that had plagued me since I was a girl. Which was quite a relief, I can tell you."

  "Perhaps I should go on the pill."

  "With your lifestyle you don't need to."

  "I do. I have terrible heavy periods, too. I think that was why I didn't eat. I wanted them to go away."

  "That's very dangerous, Carol."

  "I'll go to the doc next week. I'll phone up for an appointment."

  "You seem a lot better."

  "You wouldn't believe the strain, mum. I mean of keeping secrets. That's probably another reason why I didn't eat that much. It's such a relief to be able to talk."

  "I agree."

  "I never knew we could have this in common."

  "What? Lesbianism or heavy periods?"

  "Both!"

  ~ ~ ~

  "Here's your dad now. Is the gravy ready?"

  "Everything's ready. Do you want me to dish up?"

  "Not for a minute, it'll get cold. I hope he hasn't eaten."

  "Hi, Don. How are you? Did you have a nice time? Come in. Oh, it's been raining. I didn't realise."

  "How's my favourite girls? Have you been okay?"

  "Of course we have, dad. Are you hungry? You haven't eaten, have you?"

  "A packets of peanuts that's all, and a coffee. I left too early for dinner."

  "Well, we made you proper Sunday dinner, dad. Come and sit down."

  "Together? That's great. What's this – gravy, too?"

  "Yeah! No more chips, dad!"

  "Yes. Carol's head cook now, Don. I'm chef's assistant and you're potman and bottlewasher."

  "No change there then. Mmm. This is delicious. Truly. My compliments to the chef."