Faith In Love

by Liann Snow

  "I can. That's the trouble."

  "Why should I lie now, Faith? It's all in the open."

  "You said she was a liar. Now you say she's naive. That can't be true. She did know about Joan! She wanted Joan! It's you that's naive. She wanted me, too."

  "I can't accept that, Faith. I know why she did that. She needs support."

  "She needs help!"

  "Faith, I think you'll find my version is nearer to the truth."

  "I beg to differ, Don. She lied to us both, and to Joan too."

  "That woman, Joan, is a troublemaker. She's the cause of all the problems. She wouldn't leave her be."

  "Joan loved her."

  "I loved her, Faith. I still do."

  "In spite of everything, Don? You're a stubborn man."

  "Mum?"

  "Carol? I thought you were in bed."

  "Mum. I loved her, too."

  "Good Heaven's, Faith. It's a full set."

  Sunday, April 3

  "Eva! I'm glad I caught you here. Didn't want to have to go to the other flat. Too many memories. Is Joan in?"

  "What d'you want her for? No, she isn't."

  "It's not her I want. Eva, it's you. It's about Carol."

  "You'd better come in."

  ~ ~ ~

  "Well, Faith, it's true. What can I say? Carol used to meet me here after school, more or less every afternoon. And I wasn't helping her with her homework!

  "Like mother like daughter, I'm afraid. I just couldn't keep her away. You should have had a son, he'd have been safe. I don't like spotty young males, they fumble too much. Never quite seem to know what goes where. Expect everything to be like they see in the magazines. Find a real woman rather overwhelming.

  "Girls are different, though. Girls never disappoint. Girls are born knowing what to do. Weren't you?"

  "Don't you know what you've done? You've broken a young girl's heart! She was too young, Eva, you took advantage –"

  "Nonsense, Faith! She's not underage, and young hearts are made to be broken. What did I say to you – it's life and love. She's not anorexic – I tried to tell you. It's perfectly natural, passion, obsession. Didn't your heart ever break? She'll recover, I promise. She's young, she'll bounce back. The young have unbreakable hearts anyway, made of rubber. It's a myth that feelings are more powerful when you're young and less so when you get older. Quite the opposite is true. It's we older ones who feel it more, because we're running out of time. We know each love affair might be our last!"

  "She's my daughter, Eva!"

  "Am I to expect fireworks then, fisticuffs? Am I to be horsewhipped through the streets like used to happen in olden times? That's what aggrieved parents used to do to seducers, not that I am one of those. I don't suppose she's told you the whole story, Faith. Few can resist editing an account to show themselves in the most favourable light, can they? Even you might be guilty of that. In this case, I suppose she would have to cast herself in the role of victim. It must be hard to confess sexual indiscretion to your parents at whatever age, but to admit that you not only encouraged it but actively sought it out, repeatedly, well, that would take remarkable strength of mind."

  "Repeatedly?"

  "Like I said, I couldn't keep her away. She was at me like a wolf. I thought she would devour me. Honestly, Faith, I'm telling you the truth. I think I was the only food she wanted. I exaggerate of course, Faith, but really, you're her mother, can't you get her to eat? I did try, but she refused everything. Seemed only to need coffee and cigarettes. Oh dear, now I've outed her as a smoker, as well, whatever next! I hope that didn't come as a big shock too, Faith, did it? But really, it's no wonder she's wired. Sometimes she shakes from head to foot, like she's plugged in at the mains. You haven't noticed? What did I tell you, the mother's the last to know! That girl of yours is a bundle of nerves and raw electric energy. She runs like an engine. Goes for hours too, not like her dad. Or her mum."

  That's when I hit her. Not slapped her. No, I punched her just once for all I was worth, straight on the chin. She toppled over backwards, just like I thought she would (I don't know when I thought of it, but I did think of it), knocking all the ornaments off the bookcase as she fell.

  I stood there for a while watching as she sat, lolling against the wall, her long legs askew, her hand on her chin.

  When I realised she wasn't dead or unconscious, only shocked, I left hurriedly.

  Because I wanted to kiss her.

  ~ ~ ~

  "Eva! What's happened to you? Have you been in a fight?"

  "Hardly. She just gave me a tap. Took me by surprise, that's all."

  "Not Faith. Has she been here? I'll kill her!"

  "Just leave it, Joan. I'm glad you're back."

  "I'll never leave you again."

  ~ ~ ~

  "If we're to make a fresh start Eva, it has to be built on trust."

  "Sure."

  "Tell me about it then. How did you get hooked up with Don, for a start?"

  "Don? Don't start me on that. What a mistake that was. I'll tell you, Joan, if you're sure you can be bothered with it. Yes? Well then – the worst thing about Don is he's in love with bloody Lancashire, just like his brother! And I'm bloody not!

  I wanted out before I met Phil, that's one of the reasons I married him. The London accent – I thought he was sophisticated! Can you believe it? When the job vanished, I thought he'd take us down South on the award he got. But no, as long as he had enough to keep his bloody cottage by the bloody river he was all right. The rest went into the business, bloody toy-making! Can you believe it? I was going mad by the time I met Don again. Of course I wanted him, he was my last hope! He lived in London, surely he'd want me down there with him? I imagined being set up in a little flat in Mayfair or somewhere and Don visiting in his lunch hours and before he went home from work –"

  "He's nowhere near Mayfair!"

  "I didn't know that, did I, Joan? I'd never even been to London except once when my dad took us kids down for the day on the train and we went to the Planetarium. I thought London was brilliant, everything wonderful happened there, you could be glamorous and wicked and beautiful and drink champagne and eat oysters and kick your shoes off under the restaurant table and play footsie so that only the waiter could see, and he wouldn't dare say anything, 'cause he's paid to keep his mouth shut."

  "Don was essential to this fantasy becoming reality?"

  "Who else? A London guy, a Tottenham-born Spurs supporter, he had to be my ticket down south. And anyway, he was Don. I knew he cared for me. I knew he could be fun. It would work out all right. Yes, I know it didn't work out right. I got the worst of all possible worlds. He became obsessed, but he wouldn't go the whole way. Wouldn't leave his wife, wouldn't find me a flat, wouldn't leave me alone.

  "Worst of all he wouldn't leave Lancashire. I couldn't get out of it, I was trapped. That stupid football idea was my biggest mistake. It gave him a way of seeing me and going up North, too. To keep him happy, I had to troll off up there every couple of weeks. Horrific! I was so frustrated sometimes I used to break down crying. Just couldn't hold it back. He didn't realise why, of course, he was happy to accept any excuse I came up with. Didn't want to know I suppose.

  "No, of course I wasn't seeing him when we met. Well, when we first met I was, but I stopped seeing him when I moved in here with you. Well, it didn't seem right, did it?

  I had to go back to him though. He got really ill, physically and mentally. He had shingles and then more or less a nervous breakdown. He used to phone me in floods of tears. I had to go back, I thought he was going to crack up. No, I had to, you'd have done the same. He was suicidal. I couldn't have that on my conscience."

  "But you were living with me!"

  "We had an open relationship."

  "You did."

  "Joan, you went with Faith!"

  "Eva, that was after. It's not the same thing. Anyway, don't remind me. I hate that woman."

  "It's not nice to hate people."r />
  "I hate her. She tried to take you away from me and then she punched you."

  "That was because of Carol."

  "There's no excuse for violence."

  "Anyway..."

  "Are you going to tell me about Carol?"

  "Not in detail, if you don't mind. That's a bit of a sore point right now."

  "She's very young."

  "Well I know that. But I was young once too, and as horny as hell!"

  "Did you meet her at the Scene?"

  "Yeah. Opening Night. You weren't there."

  "I'm never going there again."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Does Louise know?"

  "'Fraid so."

  "All this time. And I was with Louise last night, as well. She never said a thing. I thought she was my friend."

  "She's the best friend you could ever wish for. Think about it! What could she do? How could she tell you? It was for me to tell you. She knew that. Look, Louise was suffering too."

  "You didn't fuck her as well, did you?"

  "Of course not!"

  "Not your type."

  "Well..."

  "You're awful, Eva."

  "True. But you like me?"

  "I'll think about it."

  Monday, April 4

  "Joan?"

  "What d'you want, Faith? I didn't think you'd show your face here again in a hurry. You'll understand if I don't ask you in."

  "I wanted to see how you are."

  "I'm absolutely okay."

  "I wanted to apologise to you."

  "It's not me you should apologise to."

  "We've all suffered, Joan."

  "I know who to blame for any pain I might be suffering, Faith. And I'm looking at her."

  "I'm sorry you feel like that, Joan, but you should be more concerned about Eva, don't you think?"

  "I'm not with you."

  "She could give you AIDS."

  "From your husband, I suppose."

  "He hasn't got it!"

  "I'm glad to hear it. I assume you're sure –"

  "How can you be sure? If she'll go with one man –"

  "You don't think much of Don's unique charms, then? She was infatuated with him. It wasn't just sex."

  "I didn't say it was, but – she's over it now?"

  "She came to her senses. She got out of her depth – with you all. Don't think I don't know about you, too, Faith."

  "Like I said, we're all casualties, Joan. How can you take her side?"

  "I don't see it the same way you do. I don't think you should ask me questions like that. You might hear a few harsh words, about you, your precious hubbie, your neurotic daughter with her emotional blackmail, "Fuck me or I'll starve myself to death!" and you, your fucking hypocrisy. You make me sick, the lot of you!"

  "Don't be ridiculous! You're addicted to her, that's all. It's like a drug."

  "For you, she is. I'm glad you can see that. It's different for me, I love her. I know her and I love her. I'm going to be with her forever."

  "Good luck!"

  "I won't need it. I'm happier than I've ever been."

  "Incredible!"

  "So long, Faith. I won't be seeing you. Perhaps you'd go now."

  "With pleasure."

  "I doubt it. But if you don't go I might find it necessary to give you the kind of medicine you gave Eva!"

  "What d'you mean?"

  "A pop on the nose, Faith. Nothing would please me more. Now, if I were you I'd fuck right off!"

  I found myself on the outside of the suddenly slammed front door. I was breathing hard and fast. The cold crisp air of outdoors made me dizzy for a moment, the bright daylight brought quick tears to my eyes. I brushed them away on my coat sleeve like a lonely child. I stepped off down the path and out the gate, and set off on the short walk home.

  ~ ~ ~

  "Eva! That fucking woman was here again! She said you might have AIDS."

  "She doesn't mean it. She's just upset. Anyway, please don't swear, darling."

  "She's upset? I'm upset, Eva. You better believe it! I nearly gave her a smack."

  "Thought you didn't hold with violence, darling?"

  "Don't you darling me, Eva. I think I've had quite enough of you and that family. The strain of it – all of them just round the corner. A whole nest of your ex-lovers. It's obscene. I can't even go out. I could bump into them at any moment."

  "I thought you'd come to terms with it all, Joan."

  "Never!"

  "You're very upset."

  "It's that fucking woman. I can't bear it! How could you, Eva?"

  "How could I? What about you? Look, you couldn't help it; I couldn't help it. Let's admit she's irresistible and leave it at that!"

  "Irresistible? That's it, Eva! I want you out! Clear off! Go on. Now! I'm not joking. Go to that poky little place you've got in Soho."

  "Oh, you know about that!"

  "I know more than you think, Eva. I've been keeping an eye on you for a while now."

  "Since when?"

  "Long enough. Let's put it like this, not much you told me came as a surprise."

  "Well!"

  "Words fail you for once? Good! Now clear off!"

  Tuesday, April 5

  "Isn't that your handsome sister-in-law across the road, Faith?"

  "I can't see her."

  "I think so. Look, Faith! By the newsagent. With the blue raincoat and the big umbrella."

  "No, Pearl. It is not."

  "Oh. If you're sure. Oh, look, she's going now anyway. You're right, of course. It can't have been her. She'd have come in, wouldn't she?"

  "She would have."

  "Very like her, though."

  "Very."

  Wednesday, April 6

  "I loved her. I still love her. I shouldn't say it, but I do." (His big hard fingers dug into my arm, but I didn't pull away. His tear-stained face was a shocking sight.) "Oh! Oh! Faith. Will I get over this? Will I ever? Will you help me? Oh, you're twice the woman she is. Why couldn't I have stayed by you? What is it about me? Will you help me change? Oh Faith, I swear to you, I'll change. Oh! Oh! She's gone now – Oh!" And he clutched his stomach and rolled back onto the bed like an old sea lion, his face white and twisted and whiskery. The first time I've seen him as old, and him still only thirty-nine.

  "Good riddance!" I said. "We're well shot of her, all of us. Don't forget what she's done to our Carol. You're not the only one who's got something to cry about."

  All of a sudden, I thought of Joan again. I didn't wish her any harm, despite her rudeness. Nor Eva, if the truth be told. I had an intuition they didn't live around the corner anymore and if they didn't, I was glad of it. Let them try to make a life wherever they were, maybe somewhere where the sun shines longer and stronger than it ever does here.

  Can't see it lasting, though. Can't make anything lasting, with that one. Like making bricks without straw. It can't be done. I suppose, though, that Joan's best placed to try, if anyone is. There's not much Eva can do now, that won't be a repeat performance. Joan's certainly seen it all before. And she'll see it all again, I should think.

  Eva's like one of those actresses who can't keep off the stage, always making a comeback. What does that make Joan, then? Her manager? Wardrobe mistress? Warm-up act? Whatever, the show must go on for those two, even if the audience has long gone home. Oh. Yes, Joan can be the audience too, if she's got the patience.

  Thursday, April 7

  "It's good of you to see me, Phil, at so little notice. I know how busy you are."

  "No need to be formal with me, Faith. I always felt like a brother to you, you know that. I should, perhaps, thank you for coming all this way to see me. Please, sit down. Will you have a Scotch? No? Oh well. I assume you want to talk about Eva. Am I right?"

  "I've heard so many versions, Phil. I've come for yours. You two were married five years. What do you say?"

  "Four and a half, she left in the April, but, I take your point."

  "It's no
t too painful still, is it Phil?"