Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan

by R. A. Spratt

  ‘But it’s been a week already! I went speed-dating last Friday and she has been stalking me ever since,’ sobbed Mr Green. ‘She turns up at the office, bumps into me in the street and showers me with gifts.’

  ‘What sort of gifts?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Chocolates,’ whimpered Mr Green.

  ‘Then what’s the problem?’ asked Nanny Piggins, totally perplexed.

  ‘This morning, she cornered me in the elevator,’ blubbered Mr Green, ‘and … and … she proposed to me!’ With that Mr Green totally broke down.

  ‘But I thought you wanted to get married?’ said Derrick.

  ‘I do. But I want to marry a nice, quiet woman,’ sobbed Mr Green.

  ‘Who is easy to ignore?’ suggested Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Mr Green.

  ‘And this woman is not easy to ignore?’ guessed Nanny Piggins.

  ‘She is impossible to ignore,’ declared Mr Green.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ Nanny Piggins assured him. ‘You’re safe here because she doesn’t know where you live.’

  (Now dear reader, having read the first eleven chapters of this book you will have realised that Nanny Piggins is rarely wrong. But this is one occasion where she has made a boo-boo. In fact, she was not just wrong, she was really, really wrong. For not only did the woman Mr Green met at speed-dating know where he lived, she was actually, at that very moment, hiding in a bush in the front yard watching the Green house. She had been there the whole time. She had seen Mr Green barge his way in. She had heard Nanny Piggins nail the door shut. And she had watched through the window as they sent Mr Green to bed, then sat up eating the other half of the mudcake and giggling about Mr Green’s predicament. So having watched the house so closely, Arianna Rommanickle knew exactly when everyone inside had gone to bed and gone to sleep.)

  The next morning, Nanny Piggins and the children were halfway through breakfast before they noticed something peculiar.

  ‘There is something odd about this morning,’ said Nanny Piggins, sniffing the air.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Derrick.

  ‘I’m not sure. But for some reason this breakfast food tastes even better than normal,’ said Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Perhaps there’s extra sugar in the marmalade,’ said Michael.

  ‘I know there’s extra sugar in the marmalade because I put twelve teaspoons in myself,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But there’s something else. The sun seems to be shining brighter, the birds seem to be singing more sweetly, the world seems to be a happier place this morning.’

  They all looked around the room trying to figure out what it was. It was several moments before Samantha exclaimed, ‘I know what it is! Father’s not here!’

  They all turned to look at Mr Green. And Samantha was quite right. He was not there. His seat was empty.

  ‘What a lovely surprise!’ said Nanny Piggins delightedly.

  And they all went back to eating their breakfast.

  But after a few moments more, a thought occurred to Derrick. ‘Why isn’t he here?’

  This question stumped Nanny Piggins. Mr Green certainly would not skip breakfast just so they could enjoy their meal.

  ‘Perhaps he’s sleeping in,’ suggested Nanny Piggins.

  ‘He doesn’t like to sleep,’ said Michael. ‘He can’t bill the time to a client.’

  ‘Perhaps he’s gone to work without breakfast,’ guessed Nanny Piggins.

  ‘He doesn’t like to get breakfast at work,’ said Samantha, ‘because then he has to pay for it.’

  ‘I suppose we should check his room,’ said Nanny Piggins reluctantly.

  The children agreed to this idea. But they also agreed to finish their breakfast first. If something dreadful had happened to their father, it would be better to celebrate on a full stomach.

  A short time later, Nanny Piggins and the children stood outside Mr Green’s bedroom door, unsure what to do. They wanted to find out what had happened to him. But they did not want to burst in and see him wearing anything less than a three-piece suit.

  ‘Mr Green, are you in there?’ called Nanny Piggins tentatively.

  There was no reply.

  ‘Why don’t we just wait a week or two?’ suggested Nanny Piggins. ‘If he is in there we’ll find out eventually. And if he’s not, does it matter whether we know?’

  ‘I need him to sign my permission slip to go to the zoo,’ said Michael.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Then there is nothing for it. We shall have to go in. Cover your eyes, children, in case there is anything shocking in there.’

  Nanny Piggins covered her own eyes, then kicked the door in with her trotter. (The door was actually unlocked but she enjoyed kicking in a door. It added a certain drama to any tense situation.) Then, summoning the courage to peek through her trotter, Nanny Piggins discovered there was nothing shocking in Mr Green’s bedroom at all. Not even Mr Green was in Mr Green’s bedroom. His bed was empty. The window was open. And the curtains were flapping in the breeze.

  ‘Father’s gone!’ exclaimed Michael.

  ‘Hurrah!!!’ screamed Derrick, Samantha, Michael and Nanny Piggins simultaneously.

  When they had finished dancing and hugging each other with excitement they looked about the room. What they should have noticed immediately, if their eyes had not been clouded by tears of joy, was the note stabbed into the wall with a ruby-studded dagger directly above Mr Green’s bed.

  ‘That’s a nice dagger,’ said Nanny Piggins conversationally. ‘Rubies always remind me of strawberry jam.’

  ‘Perhaps we should read the note,’ suggested Samantha.

  Nanny Piggins, Derrick and Michael groaned.

  ‘I don’t want to either,’ protested Samantha, ‘but when your father goes missing and someone stabs a message into the wall with a dagger, you could get in trouble with the police if you don’t even read the note.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ moaned Nanny Piggins as she removed the knife from the wall and took a closer look at the slip of paper. The note had been written in purple ink and it read:

  I have taken Mr Green to be my new husband.

  Do not bother coming looking for him. I shan’t let you have him back.

  Yours Sincerely,

  HRH Arianna Rommanickle,

  Queen of the Gypsies.

  ‘He’s been kidnapped by the Queen of the Gypsies,’ marvelled Derrick.

  ‘Cool!’ exclaimed Michael.

  ‘I guess that means we can stay up late and watch horror movies tonight then,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Come along, children. You don’t want to be late for school.’

  ‘But shouldn’t we rescue Father?’ asked Samantha.

  Nanny Piggins, Derrick and Michael thought about this for a several moments.

  ‘I don’t see why we should,’ said Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Because we need Father to pay for our food,’ said Samantha, knowing this argument would weigh strongly with her nanny.

  Nanny Piggins turned pale. ‘Leaping lamingtons!! You’re right!’ she exclaimed. ‘Quick children! We must rescue your father immediately.’

  It took three minutes for Nanny Piggins to gather all the essential equipment (compass, rope, grappling hook and chocolate), as well as the children and Boris into Mr Green’s car.

  ‘Let’s go!’ declared Nanny Piggins.

  ‘But where are we going?’ asked Samantha. ‘How are we going to find them?’

  ‘That’s easy,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Gypsies wander randomly wherever their fancy takes them. So all we have to do is wander randomly and we should soon stumble across them.’

  ‘Are you entirely sure that will work?’ asked Derrick sceptically.

  ‘Do you have a better idea?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

  None of them did. So they set out, with Nanny Piggins behind the wheel, driving in whichever direction she liked. Amazingly, whether through bizarre coincidence or because Nanny Piggins and the Queen of the Gypsies thought in much the
same way, Nanny Piggins’ plan worked perfectly. They stumbled across Arianna Rommanickle’s camp site in just seven short hours.

  Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children sat in Mr Green’s vomit-yellow Rolls Royce and watched the Gypsy camp site. There were a dozen old caravans arranged in a circle. They knew which caravan belonged to the Gypsy Queen because it had the largest television antennae on the roof, the biggest flower boxes on the windows and the words ‘Arianna Rommanickle: Gypsy Queen’ written on the side.

  ‘How are we going to do this?’ asked Boris. ‘Do you want me to do a ballet dance to distract them?’

  ‘No, a performance by a ballet dancer of your calibre would be too much of a reward. They have been very naughty and they don’t deserve a treat,’ said Nanny Piggins.

  ‘You don’t think she’s hurt Father, do you?’ asked Samantha.

  ‘Probably not. We could wait until she does if you like,’ said Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Better not,’ said Derrick. ‘I’d like to be home in time to see the late movie on TV.’

  ‘So what is your plan?’ asked Boris.

  ‘I thought we could go up to the front door of Queen Arianna’s caravan and ask nicely if she would return him,’ admitted Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Do you think she would fall for that?’ asked Michael.

  ‘She might,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘If she is crazy enough to want to marry your father, who knows what might fool her.’

  And so Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children made their way through the camp site to the Gypsy Queen’s caravan. The other gypsies in the camp left what they were doing and followed them, ready to watch. They had never seen a pig, a bear and three children confront their queen before.

  Nanny Piggins reached up and knocked boldly on the caravan’s door.

  ‘Yes?’ called Queen Arianna, from the other side of the closed door.

  ‘Hello, your Majesty. My name is Nanny Piggins and I’ve come to rescue Mr Green,’ called Nanny Piggins.

  The letter flap in the door opened and a heavily made-up eyeball appeared. The eyeball looked Nanny Piggins up and down.

  ‘Very well,’ said Queen Arianna. ‘Come in.’

  Nanny Piggins and the children entered the caravan. While it looked plain and ordinary on the outside, the inside was the exact opposite. It was amazing. There was a living room, kitchen, bathroom and boudoir all mushed into one tiny room. And every surface, appliance and ornament was covered in bright red, pink or purple lace. It made Nanny Piggins’ eyes hurt to look around.

  Although, by far the most amazing thing in the room was Queen Arianna Rommanickle herself. Nanny Piggins had assumed that anybody who wanted to marry Mr Green would be his female equivalent. Slightly overweight, boring and unsmiling. But this was not Queen Arianna at all. She was spectacular.

  She was not much taller than Nanny Piggins, at four-foot ten. But she had raven black hair, deep dark eyes and long hypnotic eyelashes like a Jersey cow. And most spectacularly, she was dressed in a huge fluffy white wedding dress. Nanny Piggins had never seen a woman with such style and panache (except when she looked in the mirror).

  Meanwhile, a very sorry specimen sat in the corner. His conservative pyjamas had been taken from him and replaced with bright green trousers, a red shirt and purple neckerchief.

  ‘Who is that?’ whispered Samantha.

  ‘It’s your father,’ whispered Nanny Piggins. ‘He’s dressed like a gypsy.’

  Samantha had to stuff the sleeve of her jumper in her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

  ‘We’re terribly sorry to disturb you, your Queenship,’ said Nanny Piggins. (It is always wise to be polite when talking with royalty.) ‘But could we please have Mr Green back?’

  ‘No,’ declared Queen Arianna. ‘I cannot let you have him back. I have decided he will be my new husband.’

  ‘But why?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘You’re so beautiful, you could do much better.’

  ‘I know. But I have always been attracted to weak, cowardly men. So I find your Mr Green powerfully alluring,’ announced Arianna, as she affectionately played with his over-greased hair.

  ‘I think I’m going to gag,’ said Derrick.

  ‘The only thing is,’ said Nanny Piggins diplomatically, ‘he is father to these three children, and they need him to come home.’

  ‘It is too late. I am in love with Mr Green. And the heart wants what it wants,’ declared Queen Arianna defiantly. ‘In a few hours he shall be my King and I shall be Queen Green.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But from my understanding of ancient gypsy law, a betrothal can be challenged.’ (Nanny Piggins knew quite a lot about ancient gypsy law, having once been in a property dispute with a gypsy over a particularly delicious toffee apple.)

  ‘Yes,’ conceded Arianna. ‘But there is only one way you can make that challenge.’

  ‘I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Hand-to-hand combat.’

  The children and Boris gasped.

  ‘Father has to fight her?’ asked Derrick. Arianna might be half Mr Green’s height and a third his weight, but there was no doubt in Derrick’s mind that she could destroy him easily.

  ‘No, either a woman or a pig must battle for the man. And as I am both, I shall fight,’ declared Nanny Piggins.

  ‘Very well,’ declared Arianna. ‘We shall fight for Mr Green with sticks –’ she paused dramatically – ‘over the pit of fire!’

  ‘Couldn’t you just play Monopoly?’ asked Michael, suddenly afraid of what they had got their beloved nanny into.

  ‘It’s all right, it will take more than a stick and a pit of fire to frighten me,’ said Nanny Piggins.

  And so the preparations began. They actually took quite a long while, because it takes a lot of time to dig a pit, build a fire and get out of a wedding dress. (For some reason wedding-dress makers have never heard of zips.)

  ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this, Nanny Piggins?’ asked Samantha. ‘We could probably get along quite well without Father. Derrick and I could lie about our ages and go out and get jobs.’

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of it!’ declared Nanny Piggins. ‘It is bad enough that I have to have a job. I wouldn’t think of inflicting employment on you.’

  ‘But is Father worth it?’ asked Derrick.

  ‘Not really,’ admitted Nanny Piggins. ‘But it is the principle of the matter. If we let one strange woman kidnap your father, then they’ll all want to do it. We have to draw the line somewhere.’

  ‘But you will be careful, won’t you?’ sobbed Boris. ‘What would I do without my beloved sister?’

  ‘You would look after the children and become their nanny,’ said Nanny Piggins firmly. ‘They will need someone to scare away the truancy officer when they take a day off school.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ sniffled Boris.

  ‘Oh, and Boris,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘There’s no need to cry. Think of Peru.’

  And so Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children followed Queen Arianna to the pit of fire. The sun had gone down and the glowing red coals looked very scary. The children started to sweat from the heat throbbing off the flames. All the gypsies from the camp had gathered around the edge to watch. There was a log lying across the pit, just above the coals, and Queen Arianna faced Nanny Piggins, ready to step on to the log from the opposite side.

  ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear,’ sobbed Boris.

  ‘I don’t like this,’ said Michael, holding Samantha’s hand.

  Samantha did not say anything. She was worrying too hard to think of words. She just bit her lip really hard.

  ‘Let’s get on with it,’ said Nanny Piggins briskly. ‘I want to get home in time for dinner.’

  ‘The winner of this contest gets to keep Mr Green,’ announced Queen Arianna formally.

  ‘Which means the loser wins too,’ said Nanny Piggins brightly as she picked up a long heavy stick and stepped onto the log. Arianna stepped on at the other end. Nanny Piggins could feel the blaze from the
coals sizzling at her legs.

  Nanny Piggins was not a pig who was big on reflection. She found thinking about things before you did them only ever muddled you up. If she was going to beat the Queen of the Gypsies senseless and push her into a pit of fire, better to get on with it. So Nanny Piggins raised her stick high and ran at Arianna screaming, ‘Hiiiiyaaaaaaahhhhh!’

  Now Queen Arianna was very good at fighting. Mr Green was not the first husband she had taken without asking. So stick-fighting over a fire pit was something she was very familiar with. She was not, however, familiar with Nanny Piggins. Arianna did not realise quite what she had taken on until she was lying flat on her back being hit on the head with a stick for the seventh time.

  Queen Arianna tried to hit Nanny Piggins back but she could not, because her own stick had fallen into the coals and had just burst into flames. It was at this moment that Queen Arianna began to suspect that she had made a dreadful mistake suggesting a fight to the death over a pit of fire. These things always seem like a good idea if you are going to win, but a bad idea when you are about to lose.

  Fortunately for the Gypsy Queen, however, Nanny Piggins did a surprising thing. She did not push Queen Arianna off the log. Instead Nanny Piggins somersaulted over her, landing cat-like on the far side of the pit, and ran off into the darkness of the night.

  Arianna was stunned for one-eighth of a second, then her brain started to work. Where were the children and the bear? She looked up and they were gone. And the pig had run off into the night. That could only mean one thing …

  ‘She’s tricked me! She’s stolen my husband!’ screamed Queen Arianna. All the gypsies began rushing in every direction pretending to do something so they would not get in trouble. But it was too late. By the time they had found flashlights and started searching the bushes for the runaways, Nanny Piggins had already made it to the main road. And she only had to wait a few moments before Boris pulled up in Mr Green’s car, with the children in the back seat.

  ‘You didn’t die!’ exclaimed Boris as he sobbed into his sister’s shoulder.

  ‘Well done, Boris,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Just like in Peru, when you went and got the car while I distracted the Peruvian bandits by hitting them all repeatedly on the head.’