Further Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman

by JB Lynn

  Pushing past them, I left the restroom and headed for the exit of the club.

  “Where are you going, Chiquita?” Armani wrapped her good arm around my neck.

  “Home.”

  She squinted at me, obviously inebriated. “But you just got here.”

  “And I’m just leaving.” I tried to shrug her off, but she held on tight.

  “But you haven’t seized any men.”

  “And yet, I’m pretty sure I’ll survive the night.”

  “Maggie!” another voice called.

  I turned and saw Stacy Kiernan stumbling toward me. I groaned, having forgotten I’d invited her to this fiasco.

  “I thought maybe you got into another fistfight and weren’t going to make it,” Stacy said.

  Armani perked up. “Fight? Is it true, chica? You got in a fight?”

  “No!”

  “Yup,” Stacy said simultaneously. “She’s in the middle of the hospital screaming about how she’s going to kill this woman. The whole place heard her.”

  I closed my eyes. It hadn’t been my finest moment.

  “And then there’s this shoving match,” Stacy continued.

  “I didn’t shove her,” I protested weakly.

  “Luckily,” Stacy said, puffed up with self-importance, “one of her friends was there to help her out.”

  “Maggie has good friends,” Armani slurred.

  “The best,” Stacy agreed.

  The two of them dragged me to the table occupied by Alice’s bachelorette party. I greeted the other women politely, even Preppy Priscilla, who was wearing thigh-high argyle socks that almost reached her barely there skirt. Eventually Alice rejoined the group, but we didn’t talk . . . or make eye contact.

  Instead, I fixated on the stage, watching as the women took turns going up and interacting with the dancers in the most lewd ways imaginable. At the end of the evening, determining that they were too drunk to drive, I piled Armani and Stacy into my car. I took Stacy home first, which proved tricky since I’d never been there before and her intoxicated directions didn’t always make sense.

  I’d driven Armani to work a few times when she’d had car trouble, so taking her home was easier.

  “Your aura’s all screwy,” she told me from the backseat when we were a block from her place. “It should be all soft and cloudlike, but yours is all jagged and broken.”

  “Uh-huh.” I resisted the urge to ask if she saw disco balls and cacti floating in my energy field.

  “And it’s dark, like there’s a shadow over your heart.”

  “Sounds about right.” I was pretty broken, my nerves were frayed, and my heart was heavy. I swung my car into the driveway of the tiny house she owned.

  “You shouldn’t do it alone.”

  “Do what?” I panicked. What if she was able to pick up some sort of signal revealing my plans for Garcia?

  “It.”

  “It?”

  “Yes. You definitely shouldn’t do it alone.”

  I helped her to her front door, got the door unlocked, and gently shoved her inside. “Get some sleep, Armani. I’ll give you a call in the morning to make sure you don’t miss work.”

  I pondered her reading of my aura, disco balls, and cacti as I drove home, until lights from a police cruiser shone in my rearview mirror.

  Pulling over, I glanced at my speedometer thinking that perhaps I’d been speeding. Rolling down my window, I forced myself to take deep, calming breaths as I waited for the police officer to approach my car. Whatever this was, I could handle it.

  “Out of the car, ma’am,” he said.

  I leaned forward. “Paul?”

  “Out of the car.”

  A shiver skittered down my spine, but I pushed the momentary fear away. Paul might have a terrible temper, but I’d given him no reason to be upset with me. I got out.

  The beam of a flashlight blinded me. I raised a hand to ward off the light.

  “What are you doing out here?” Paul asked.

  I couldn’t see his face and something in his voice scared me.

  “Was I speeding?” I asked.

  “Have you been drinking?” he countered.

  “Because I know I wasn’t talking on the phone.” That’s how we’d met the first time, when he’d pulled me over for talking on my cell while driving.

  “Have you been drinking?” he asked again, his tone harsh, commanding.

  I shook my head. “No. I was a designated driver. I was just driving a couple of friends home.”

  “After leaving where?”

  “Foxy’s.” I winced as I made the revelation.

  “And you weren’t drinking?”

  “No. Why did you pull me over?” I asked again, annoyed that he was avoiding answering me.

  “I wanted to see you.”

  I frowned. “Were you following me?”

  “Maybe. I wanted to make sure you got home safe.”

  “And yet you stopped me. You do know that’s creepy and not romantic, right?”

  “I wanted to see if you’d changed your mind about taking me as a date to the wedding, because if you did, I’ve got to find someone to cover my shift.”

  Acutely aware of how dark and deserted the road was, I said carefully, “I’m afraid not. Like I said, I’m going to be swamped with maid of honor duties. That’s what I was doing at Foxy’s tonight, hosting the bachelorette party.” Getting the distinct impression he wasn’t happy with getting no for an answer, I decided the wisest thing to do was to extricate myself from the situation, so I threw him a bone. “Maybe after the wedding we could get together?”

  “Next week?” he asked hopefully.

  “Sure.” I didn’t ask him for permission, I just got back into my car and closed the door. “Call me.”

  “Drive safe,” he called as I pulled away.

  I watched him disappear in my rearview mirror with the distinct impression I’d just narrowly escaped something unpleasant.

  “Rough ride,” I muttered, heading for home.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  THE REST OF the week passed in a blur of work and visiting Katie. At least one of my aunts always seemed to be there, reading to her, talking to her. She watched us carefully every visit, but hadn’t attempted to interact.

  Still, we were all hopeful.

  I wasn’t so hopeful about Alice’s wedding. I didn’t hear from her after the bachelorette party even though I called her three times and left messages apologizing for being late.

  I hadn’t heard from Zeke either. He’d kissed me and then just disappeared from the planet.

  I seemed to have that effect on men, since I hadn’t heard from Patrick either. Not that I had expected to since he was doing the dad thing, but I’d thought, maybe even hoped, he might call to offer a pep talk.

  I could have used a pep talk. The more I studied the itinerary of Garcia’s daughter’s wedding, the less sure I became I’d be able to pull off the job. Thankfully I didn’t run into Delveccio, although I did see his daughter a number of times during my visits to the hospital. I was relieved I didn’t have him asking me how my assassination plan was coming along because, frankly, it wasn’t.

  I told God all of these concerns while I got ready to go over to the B&B on Friday night. His response was to yawn.

  I eyed the dog. “What about you?”

  “Go ready,” she panted.

  “Okay, but remember what we talked about, your best behavior.”

  “Dog good. Dog good.”

  I took my time driving over, glancing occasionally at the gifts on the front seat. One was for Alice, the other for Aunt Susan. I hoped they’d be accepted in the spirit they were offered and not thrown back in my face.

  While anxiety twisted in my gut, DeeDee practically vibrated with excitement. Hanging her head out the window, she barked, “Dog good! Dog good!” at every dog or pedestrian we passed.

  Loretta and Leslie sat on the front porch with Alice, and Aunt Susan was weeding a f
lowerbed when I pulled up to the B&B.

  “Remember,” I pleaded with DeeDee. “Gentle and polite.”

  “Dog good.”

  I handed her Susan’s gift, which she took gently between her jaws. Taking her leash, I led her toward the women.

  “Maggie!” Loretta trilled. “It’s just us girls tonight. Lamont went to pick up his parents from the airport, but he broke down.”

  “In Newark?” I winced at the thought of the visitors’ first impression of the beautiful Garden State being one of our rougher cities.

  “Apparently they’re near the arena and are oohing and ahhing over it,” Susan muttered.

  “Templeton’s gone to get them,” Leslie said.

  “Hi there, DeeDee.” Alice pointedly greeted the dog, but not me.

  That hurt.

  Aunt Susan turned in our direction, freezing when she spotted the dog. I saw her reach for something in the grass and realized her hedge clippers lay only inches away.

  “Gently,” I prompted under my breath.

  DeeDee stepped up so that less than a foot separated her and Susan.

  “It’s for you,” I told my aunt, who seemed rooted to the spot. “Since we ruined your last one. Take it.”

  Slowly and carefully Susan reached out and took the wrapped gift.

  DeeDee released it gently, then rolled on her back and panted, “Sorry. Sorry. Dog good. Dog good.”

  Aunt Susan stared at the mutt, holding the package in a death grip.

  “Isn’t she just the most adorable thing,” Alice gushed, coming off the porch and kneeling to rub the dog’s belly. “So sweet.”

  “Open your present,” Leslie prompted.

  Susan slowly got to her feet and moved away from the dog before she ripped open the wrapping paper.

  “What is it?” Loretta asked.

  “An umbrella,” Susan said.

  “To replace the one we damaged,” I explained quickly.

  “Was it your teeth that left the puncture marks?” Susan asked, seeming convinced DeeDee wasn’t about to attack her.

  I let the jab go.

  “I wanted to talk to the three of you for a minute if that’s okay. A family meeting of sorts.” I looked up at Aunt Leslie. She nodded her approval.

  “C’mon, DeeDee,” Alice said, getting to her feet. “Let’s go in the back and play fetch. I bet Maggie’s too busy to play fetch with you.” Tugging the leash from my limp fingers, she led the dog to the rear of the property.

  “Thank you for this.” Aunt Susan waved the umbrella.

  “You’re welcome. I’m sorry . . . about what happened to the last one.”

  “Things can be replaced, people can’t.” She looked pointedly in the direction Alice had disappeared.

  Sighing heavily, I followed her up onto the porch.

  “I wanted to give Alice a wedding gift,” I began nervously. “But before I do, I wanted to make sure it was okay with all of you.”

  My aunts leaned forward, listening intently.

  “But if you think it’s a bad idea, I won’t.”

  “Just tell us,” Leslie prompted kindly.

  “I want to give her Mom’s blue necklace,” I blurted out on a single breath.

  There was a long moment of silence. Leslie sat back in her chair, Loretta fiddled with the pearl bracelet she wore, and Susan studied her umbrella.

  “She always loved it and Mom wanted her to have it. She told me so once, in one of her lucid moments, at least I’m pretty sure she was lucid.”

  “It’s something old and something blue,” Aunt Loretta gushed. “It’s a perfect gift.”

  “I seem to remember Mary saying just that,” Leslie said slowly.

  We all looked to Aunt Susan to see if she’d give me her blessing too. She was examining the folds of the umbrella.

  “Let the girl do it,” Loretta prompted.

  “I think it would mean a lot to Alice,” I said.

  Susan looked up, unshed tears making her eyes shine.

  A terrible crash came from the backyard.

  “That dog!” Venom dripped from Aunt Susan’s accusation.

  I ran into the backyard, hoping that whatever klutzy thing DeeDee had done could be fixed. I wasn’t prepared for the scene I encountered. I stopped short.

  The barbecue grill lay on its side, that’s what had made the terrible noise, but it wasn’t the problem.

  “Help me!” Alice screamed in terror.

  Frank Velicky, her six-foot, two-hundred-pound, violent ex, who I’d thought was still in prison, advanced on her with a baseball bat raised overhead. DeeDee stood between them growling and baring her teeth.

  Aunt Susan had followed me to the backyard to see what all the commotion was about. She barreled past me before I could stop her.

  “You beast,” she shouted, brandishing her hedge clippers. She was so intent on using them on DeeDee she didn’t notice Frank until it was too late.

  “Look out!” My shouted warning came too late.

  Her momentum carried her directly into Frank’s path. He easily ripped the garden tool from her grasp.

  “What is it with the bitches in this family who can’t mind their own business?” he roared.

  Like Alice, Susan backed away from him, her eyes round with fear.

  “Leave them alone,” I shouted, trying to draw his attention away from them.

  He swung the bat at Susan. Stumbling away, she tripped and fell to the ground.

  Alice screamed.

  I charged at Frank as he raised the bat to take another swing at her.

  DeeDee got to him first. She hit him square in the chest, mid-leap, with enough force to knock him onto his back. He dropped the bat and clippers.

  She yelped in pain when he punched her in the rib cage.

  He and I both dove for the clippers. I held on to them for dear life as he tried to wrench them away from me.

  “Get inside!” I shouted to Alice and Susan.

  “Bitch!” Frank grunted, getting to his feet and dragging me along the ground.

  “Go let!” DeeDee growled, trying to get between us.

  She was trying to help, but inadvertently forced me to release the hedge clippers.

  “Look out,” I warned breathlessly as he swung them at her.

  She dodged them . . . barely . . . and then jumped between Frank and me.

  “Hurt Maggie no!” she barked.

  “Stay away from him, Doomsday,” I pleaded as I crawled backward, trying to put some space between myself and the violent felon. “Do as I say and get away from him.”

  A quick glance around revealed that Alice was nowhere in sight, but Aunt Susan was still on the ground, looking dazed.

  I had to keep Frank focused on me.

  “What are you doing here, Frank?”

  “I wanted to talk to Alice.”

  “Talk? Is that how the grill got knocked over, because you were talking?”

  “My sister told me she was getting married and I had to stop her.”

  I decided that, if I lived through this ordeal, I was going to insist that Alice listen to my warnings from now on, even when she was mad at me.

  “She’s mine!” Frank roared.

  “Away get,” DeeDee growled.

  “Easy, Doomsday,” I soothed. “Easy girl.”

  She looked at me. “DeeDee. Doomsday DeeDee.”

  Frank took the dog’s moment of distraction to make his move. He kicked her, hard. The dull thud broke something in my heart. She crumpled to the ground.

  “Doomsday!” I screamed, scrambling to throw my body on top of hers before he could hurt her again.

  “You’re even dumber than Alice.” Frank raised the clippers, preparing to spear me with the sharp blades.

  It was ironic that after I’d killed two murderers, and was trying to kill a drug dealer, that I was going to die in the backyard of the only place I’d ever really called home.

  As the blades whistled through the air toward me, I was too par
alyzed by fear to even move out of the way.

  The crack of the report was loud enough to make my ears ring.

  It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t dead, that I hadn’t been stabbed.

  Frank look surprised too as he stumbled backward.

  The clippers were no longer in the hands he raised to protect himself as the baseball bat arced through the air at him.

  There was a sickening crunch as the wood broke bones in his hands.

  He fell to the ground and before he could even plead for mercy, the bat cracked one of his kneecaps.

  He howled in pain.

  Realizing I was no longer in danger of dying, I was able to look up at my savior. Zeke stood over the other man, brandishing the bat, daring him to make a move.

  “Are you okay?” I whispered to DeeDee, leveraging myself off her.

  “Ow,” she whined.

  I stroked her head. “You’re a good dog.”

  I looked over at Aunt Susan. She was sitting up, and despite the blood trickling from her temple, she seemed clearheaded.

  Before I could get over to check on her, the yard filled with people. Police shouting at Zeke to lower the weapon. Aunt Loretta yelling at the police to arrest Frank.

  Aunt Leslie holding a sobbing Alice.

  It took a while to get everything sorted out, but eventually the police took all of our statements, Frank was hauled off, the emergency medical technicians gave Aunt Susan the all-clear, and DeeDee started whining, “Gotta! Gotta!”

  “I’m going to walk the dog and then I’ll be back,” I told Susan and Zeke, who were sitting on patio chairs.

  I didn’t even bother grabbing her leash, just led her away. “You were a very brave dog,” I told her as we walked.

  She flashed one of her all-teeth grins at me that undoubtedly looked scary to passersby.

  When we returned, Aunt Susan was alone on the patio. She held out a large bowl of water to me.

  I stared at it, uncomprehending.

  “I thought the dog might be thirsty,” she explained.

  I looked from the mutt to the bowl. “It’s crystal.”

  “She saved our lives.”

  “It’s lead crystal.”

  “She saved my life. It’s my bowl and I can do whatever I want with it.”

  “Then you give it to her.” I sank onto a patio chair and watched as Susan gingerly approached DeeDee.