Hold on You

by M. S. Brannon

  My head is pounding, and as I touch it, I feel blood has started to ooze from the wound. My body is worn out. I am so tired and dizzy, but I have to help him. I have to make him see it will be okay. I need to make him see it isn’t only me who has a hold on him. He, too, has a hold on me, and I don’t think I will ever shake it.

  “Get out of here, Madison.” Nate’s voice is quiet, barely sounding over the whipping wind.

  “No. I’m not going anywhere. You need to talk to me, Nate!” I snap back and move closer to his body, trying to touch him. There is barely enough room for us to sit, but I refuse to give up.

  “What do you want to hear, Madison?” Even over the wind and his truck engine, I can hear the deep, menacing tone of his voice. “Do you want to know that, from the moment you left, my life has been on the fast track to hell?” He turns his head, making us face to face. We are sitting three feet from plummeting to our deaths with the jagged cliffs visible below.

  “Just talk to me, please,” I plead with every bit of the will left inside me.

  “You want me to talk, then fine!” He abruptly stands to his feet, snatching my arm and yanking me up with him.

  Nate guides me away from the front of his truck and drags me to the side. We are standing so close to the edge, away from holding on to anything, the wind threatening to blow us over the edge with every second we stand here.

  “Do you want to know that I’ve loved you from the moment I spoke to you? That, when you left me for New York, you took all the happiness I possessed within me?” He holds forcefully to my arms, shaking me slightly, trying to get me to understand what he is feeling right now. I ignore the pain because I want him to talk. “Do you want to know that I ran to anyone for the smallest shred of comfort? And that I killed my unborn child because I couldn’t control my rage toward you and blamed it all on the woman I was with? Do you want to know that, every time I step in to the ring, I hope the next blow to my skull will be the last one? And, when I saw you that night on the cliff, I was on the brink of jumping myself only ten minutes earlier? Does that make you happy, Madison? Is that what you want to hear? There it is, baby, my shit storm of a life laid out over the last ten years.”

  “Please, Nate. Let me help you! I am so sorry those things happened to you, but there is nothing you can do about it now. You have to find a way to move on! We have to find a way to get passed this together!”

  Nate lets go of my arms and turns his body toward the cliffs. The throbbing in my skin intensifies as the blood begins to flow freely back into my upper arms.

  “If only it were that easy. You make it sound like all this pain will simply go away, that I can wave a hand and erase all of it. But how am I expected to do that when every good thing inside of me has died?” He turns back to me, and my gut sinks to the ground as the sickest feeling grows inside of it.

  “Oh, I have plans for moving on, Madison. I found a way to make all the pain go away. All I need is the courage to take the plunge. I’ve been coming up here for a long time, and after my son died, the last glimpse of hope died, too. I’ve been trying like hell to get my legs to take the leap, and tonight, I think I might be ready for that.”

  Nate lifts the bottle of whiskey to his lips, taking a huge drink. He chugs one gulp after another, the amber fluid spilling out the sides and running through the stubble covering his chin.

  Suddenly, I surprise myself as I become infuriated. How dare he just give up when he has a promising future ahead of him? He has people who will be here for him, who have been here for him, and I will not stand for his self-loathing any longer.

  I yank the bottle from his hand and throw it over the edge. Then I allow that anger explode from deep inside me as I can no longer hold it back. “Fuck you, Nate!”

  He snaps his head up, glaring into my rage-fueled eyes.

  “You can stop the sorry for yourself act! What’s happened to you sucks, and you of all people don’t deserve the hurt, but it’s no reason to let it control your life.” I take a deep breath and stand, rolling my shoulders back, allowing my anger to overtake the situation. “Trust me, I’ve let my past dictate my future, and that’s why I left you the note at the cliffs that night. My mother killed herself with pills and booze because she was so miserable with my waste of a father. And I was afraid! I was afraid that, if I stayed, if I married you, it would eventually happen to us. I didn’t want to turn into my mother. I knew she had ambitions beyond this small town life, but he wouldn’t allow her to pursue them, and it eventually destroyed her. I didn’t want to live my life like that, and I didn’t want to end up resenting you, so I bailed.” I take another deep breath and keep expelling everything I’ve held back. “But, by you doing this, you are living just like she did, and I won’t allow it. My dad didn’t fight for her, and neither did I, but I won’t make that mistake again. As long as there is a breath left in my body, I will fight for you, Nate! I won’t let you do it! Do you hear me? I WON’T!” My throat feels like it is on fire as I scream in his face.

  I will never forgive myself for not helping my mother. I was a stupid, selfish kid who only saw what was best for me, and I was wrong. Being here this past month has helped me sort out the fears of my past and allowed me to change what I needed to in order to make my future work. I will not give up on the opportunity to save his life, because his life is worth saving.

  As Nate steps toward me, I can see the defeat written all over his face. He is no longer the angry man he has been living as over the last decade; he is the heartbroken boy I left on the cliffs that night.

  I reach out and grab his hand. I keep my feet planted solidly in the wet grass as I interlock our fingers together and look deep into his gray-blue eyes.

  “Seeing you here weeks ago only resurfaced the pain of losing you all those years ago. I feel like I’ve lost so much that it’s hard for me to look forward to any kind of future. And knowing that you will leave for California soon makes me break into pieces all over again.” Nate looks over the edge then back to me, the smallest smile grazing his cheeks.

  “Well, you don’t need to worry about me leaving, Nate, because I’m not going anywhere. The phone call you overheard was not a job placement; it was an interview. I don’t even know if I have a job yet. Besides, I can’t just leave. Not now, not again.”

  Nate’s eyes snap up to mine, and my feet stumble to the side. I’ve even surprised myself because I didn’t think about my words. I let them fall out of my mouth, knowing it is what I really want. I want to stay, and if he will have me, I will be here with him.

  I love him. I love Nate.

  I grip his hand harder, trying like hell to keep my footing as the wind continues to blow. “I realized since I’ve been here that you need to be in my life, and I need to be in yours. I’m in love with you. I love you with everything I possess, and I’m so sorry it took all of this time to realize what I was holding on to all along.”

  The moment the words fall out of my mouth a deadly gust of wind blows up the cliffs, taking my footing with it.

  chapter twelve

  AND THIS IS THE HELL that is known as my life. What the fuck is wrong with the universe? Why is it always fucking with me?

  I confessed my darkest agony to Madison. I told her how I wanted to jump from the cliff, and that was why I was there that night. I told her about my son, Lisa, my parents, and the unrelenting feelings of love I have for her. And, unexpectedly, she told me she loves me back. But that is when the happy ending I was certain was finally on the horizon was ripped from me.

  The hurricane force winds pull Madison from her feet, sending her toppling over the side with the promise of happiness along with it.

  “AHHHH!” The scream is horrific. The boiling, hot blood pumping through my body instantly turns to ice as I witness the tragedy I am responsible for.

  She was standing in front of me and then, a moment later, fell over the edge, disappearing from my sight.

  “No!” I immediately fall to the ground, comi
ng face-to-face with my self-inflicted hell.

  I surge my frame forward, landing on my stomach, half my body leaning over the edge. In that moment, I am unexpectedly able to clasp on to her hand. The wind is furious, and the jagged cliff rocks are barely visible under the crashing waves.

  She is dangling from the edge, holding on like hell to my outstretched hand. Any thought of my future plans vanishes the second I see her disappear. The moment my hand feels hers, I thaw in a mere second. I can feel the blood raging as it floods my veins with unyielding determination to help this woman.

  “Nate! Oh, God, please don’t drop me!” she screams as she tries to pull herself up, using my arm as a fleshy rope.

  My hand is sweaty from the adrenaline skyrocketing through my body, making my grip wet and slick. As she swings her body back and forth, she has no idea that, the more she struggles, the easier it will be to drop her.

  “Stop moving!” I demand as firmly and loudly as I can.

  “You have to help me, please! I don’t want to die, not like this. Please!” Her pleading gives me that much more strength to pull up.

  I came up here for selfish reasons of my own, but soon discovered I was not alone. She wouldn’t stand for me to leave her behind, and now I am forced to stare into her blue eyes encased in terror. She only wanted to help, and look where that got her—a front row seat to her imminent death. I cannot allow it to happen. If anyone should die, it needs to be me, not her, never her.

  “You’re not going to die, but you need to stay calm. Please…” I release a breath as I struggle to keep her attached to my hand. “I’m not going to drop you. I promise I will not allow that to happen, but you need to be calm. Do you hear me? Just keep your body as still as you can!” I shout back, digging deep and finding the strength inside myself.

  The wind is whipping, getting stronger by the second. I have to get her up, and it has to be now, or the both of us will be falling over the edge.

  “AWWWWWW!” I release a loud, gut-wrenching roar as I pull with all my power. I swear to God, if she goes over, I will go after her. I will not survive this life knowing this woman died because of me, because I was an asshole who couldn’t get past the pain of ten years ago.

  “Nate!”

  I keep my eyes on hers, seeing the panic oozing from them. She is pleading with me to save her life, a life I almost destroyed. If I don’t save her now, it will be destroyed.

  “I’m slipping! Please, don’t let me go!”

  Just as the words leave her mouth, a forceful gust of wind bounces off the walls of the cliffs and sends her body into the rocky side. Small fragments of rock fall from the edge and disappear into the rolling waves below. She could fall hundreds of feet down, and nothing but tragedy would follow. It would be my fault.

  It’s solely up to me to save her, but the wind is becoming too much, and my grip is weakening. She is frantically trying to climb up my arm, but with each movement, she is inching her way out of my grasp. Then she slides down farther until we are only holding on with our fingers, desperately trying to thread them together, but she is slipping.

  I close my eyes because I can’t watch.

  I simply can’t watch.

  My eyes are shut incredibly tight because I don’t want to watch her die. I don’t want to live another second in this agony. I can feel her being ripped away, and the pain in my arm is taken over by the agony shredding my chest. My heart feels like it is going to explode. Then the digging of nails jerks me back. I shoot my eyelids open, seeing Madison still hanging on for dear life. I am not sure how she managed to hang on, but she did.

  The air fills my lungs, and my body awakens. I know what I need to do. It has to be now, though.

  I snatch onto her wrist, saving her life just in the nick of time, yet if I don’t get her up quickly, Madison will die.

  “Madison!” I shout over the cacophony around us. “Hold on! I’ve got you, just hold on!” Digging deep, I tighten my entire body and use both my arms to yank her higher.

  She isn’t panicking anymore. She holds herself as still as the whipping wind will allow.

  “Awwww!” I scream as I use all my strength to pull her up that much higher. “Hold. On. You. Just. Hold. On,” I shout in between grunts.

  We are in the same place we were six weeks ago, only this time I know who I am saving. I hold tighter to her hand, knowing that, with one wrong move, I will lose her for sure. She is everything to me. She has given me a reason to hold on tighter and a reason to live. I cannot let her leave me. I will not give up on her. She has saved me, and in return, I need to save her.

  My muscles burn, and my shoulder feels like it is going to dislocate from the socket, yet I somehow find the strength to yank.

  I yank.

  Then yank.

  Finally, she is up enough to put her arms around my neck. I wrap my arms around her waist and heave myself up then fall onto my back, pulling her body with me. Madison lands on top of me, and I immediately roll over on top of her to protect her from going anywhere while she sobs, barely able to catch her breath.

  I lean down and whisper into her ear, “I’ve got you, Madison. And I will never let you go,” I promise, knowing she is all I want and the woman I will fight for.

  Moments pass before she is able to catch her breath. Then I feel her soft lips against mine. I kiss her hard, exactly as I did under the porch light. I don’t hold back. I kiss her deeply, letting her know nothing will stop me from holding onto her. I will never let her go again. I grip the back of her neck and push her as close as I can into me. She returns the grasp as she wraps her arms around my shoulders. We are not soft and gentle with each other. The need is too strong. Our bodies are on fire, a fire that has never been unleashed and needs to be set free.

  I can feel her tongue as it dips inside my mouth. I begin mingling my own with hers, our tongues dancing in a seductive tango. We are celebrating our new beginning and a life we have both been searching for. We are celebrating a life that moments ago was restored. We are finally able to live out the fantasy of this very moment, and we are not going to waste it.

  I push her deeper into the wet, muddy grass as I kiss and caress her with my tongue. She runs her hands down my back, her hot skin electrifying mine. I sit up on my knees, pulling my T-shirt over the back of my head then tossing it to the ground.

  Her skin, my skin, our —they are all burning with desire. All that consumes me is touching every inch of her naked body with mine.

  Her hands run down my stomach and land on the waistband of my jeans. We are all want and need, here and now, as we start to do what we have been yearning to do all along.

  Taking a moment, I remain on my knees and admire her beauty. She is exquisite as she lies underneath me. I want to feel every inch of her, inside and out. I want to possess her and caress her with my body. I want her to be forever mine. And I want to do it in this very spot, the spot that has created so many great memories as teenagers: broken dreams, unyielding confessions, and declarations of love.

  I run my hands under the hem of her shirt then pull it violently to the side. I am desperate to feel and taste her. The buttons on her top fly through the air as I yank the seam apart, getting that much closer to conquering Madison in the pouring rain.

  “Oh, Nate, please … Please, make love to me.”

  “Hold on,” I command, and she wraps her arms around my neck.

  I yank her up onto my lap, pulling the destroyed fabric of her shirt from her body. I reach around to her back and unhook her bra before tossing it into the pile of accumulated clothing.

  As she straddles me, I lean down and pull her breast into my mouth. My hands grab on to her fleshy body as I suck and pull the pebbled peak into my mouth, my tongue circling her hard nipple. With every kiss on her breast, the rain falls on my tongue, tasting amazing. She is amazing.

  Madison moans as I place her taut nipple between my teeth and carefully bite down. I keep up my assault on her breasts, and with each movem
ent, she gets closer and closer to reaching her brink. Before I can hear her pleasure, she stands from my lap and removes her shorts.

  I stand with her and remove the rest of my clothing until we are standing naked in front of each other. The backdrop to our passion is the one place where Madison and I have come together. This is the place where I finally got the courage to speak to her and the one place where she finally got the courage to let someone in. Now, we are letting each other in by welcoming our bodies to each other. The wind is blowing; the rain is pouring; and the ground is muddy. However, we don’t give a shit. This moment needs to happen, and it needs to be now.

  I walk to her sexy body and yank her up into my arms. She wraps her legs tightly around my waist as I get down on my knees and lay her back on the ground. Before another moment passes by, I grab her body and ease into her warm, tight opening. My body nearly releases simply from the feel of her.

  I take my time entering fully inside of her. I want to savor this, the moment when Madison and I finally take that next step. I don’t want it to be ruined five seconds after it begins.

  I push a little deeper, giving her a pleasing tease with an inch of myself. She arches her back slightly off the ground, moaning as I push a little bit more until I am fully inside of her. Then I hold my body as still as possible. I wait. I capture the moment as I still myself inside. Then, when the moment is right, I begin to move. My hips start to rock, slowly … deeply. I push as deeply as I can go then hold. I push then hold. Push then hold. Over and over, I possess the inside of her body, making it only mine and relishing this moment.

  When Madison grabs onto my face, I lean down and rest my forehead to hers. Our breaths expel into the air, and the rain continues to fall on our hot, yearning bodies. All the while, I keep up my torturous movements until my body can no longer stand the slow, deliberate strokes. I flex my body then turn onto my back.

  Madison rolls over, her legs astride mine. I watch her rock her hips, taking me in deep and quick. She leans her head back, the rain dripping down her face and onto her breasts. Her brown hair is soaked and looks black under the dark night. The strands stick to her skin, looking sexy as hell.