Hold on You

by M. S. Brannon

  I flip her off of me, rolling on top of her once again. I sit up on my knees, yanking her even closer to my body, slamming into her. She yells and begs me to move, and I don’t hold back. I keep my body so very close to the edge as I pound harder and harder inside of her. Then the building sensation of heat peaks in my thighs, gut, and groin, starting to overcome me. I can barely hang on another second as I thrust violently inside her body, making her scream out in unyielding pleasure. Moments later, I feel my release, and the feeling sends me floating up then slamming back down to earth, utterly exhausted.

  I can’t move. My body is shuddering as I ride the tidal wave Nate sent through me. I have never felt this kind of pleasure before. In fact, I know in this moment I have never had an orgasm before, because nothing I have ever done with my past boyfriends has compared to this. He held nothing back as he overtook my body and claimed every piece of it. I could only submit to his every wish, knowing there was nothing else in the world I wanted.

  We might have been crazy being out in the weather, but our connection needed to happen and happen now. We could not wait for the storm to blow over. The unforgiving winds mirrored exactly how Nate and I feel for each other. We were on the verge of destruction, yet we merged together and finally felt what we do to each other.

  We are still lying in the soaking, wet grass, our bodies stained with mud and the rain lightly sprinkling down on us. When I sit up and look to the sky hovering over the cliffs, I see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, and the faintest rainbow is glowing in the sky. The storm is finally over. We survived, and all I can think about is how perfect this moment is.

  I lean up on my elbow and look at Nate. The sun is warming his face, making his skin shimmer and glow with the faintest smile on his cheeks. He is finally here, the old Nate I know—the fun loving, life grabbing boy living inside the man I know today.

  As I lean down and press my lips to his, he doesn’t move, only embraces my body as he savors my kiss and the moment we just created. Nothing in the world compares to this moment. I can only think something is responsible for us coming together the way we did.

  When I left New York, I was heartbroken and lost because I thought Daniel was the man meant to be in my life. Now I know the reason for all the pain. It is because this is where I am supposed to be, not in New York and not with Daniel. I belong in Crestbrook with Nate.

  When he opens his eyes, the sparkle is faintly there. I know he won’t be a completely changed man, and we do have a lot to talk about considering the pain he revealed minutes ago, but right now, I am perfectly fine seeing that look.

  “You know,” I say as I break up the silence, “we’ve just became a cliché.”

  “How’s that? I hardly think our situation is the norm,” Nate says. His hand runs down my face and pulls my wet hair off my cheeks. I lean into his touch, falling deeper and deeper into his gray-blue eyes.

  “Because we’ve just made love after I was dangling from a cliff. I mean, isn’t that what you see in the movies? A damsel in distress, a brave knight swoops in and saves her life, and then, with the intense, exploding emotion surging from their bodies, all that can be done in that moment is to have sex.” I stifle my laugh because I can think of ten movies right now where the couples’ lives were in danger, and to celebrate surviving, they get down and dirty right then and there.

  “Well, in that case, I don’t mind being a cliché, because I almost lost you, and I will never live through losing you again.” Nate pulls me down to his body and presses his lips to mine. Then we get lost in our kiss as we discover again how much the two of us need each other.

  chapter thirteen

  OUR BODIES ARE ROCKED BACK and forth over every bump in the road, jerking from side to side, as I drive my truck down the back road of the cliffs. Our clothes are soaked, our skin muddy, but our spirits are as high as they have ever been.

  Madison and I finally broke through the wall that was built up for years. We lay on that cliff for what felt like hours, making love multiple times and embracing the newfound relationship we are ready to embark on. Eventually, we pulled our mud covered bodies from the ground, got dressed, and hopped in the truck.

  As I tried to tread down the commonly travelled path, Madison informed me she had run her car into a large tree on the way up to the cliff, which explains the gash on her head and the fact that she is not wearing any shoes.

  A few years ago, I found an alternate way down the cliff. The terrain is rough as you travel down the dirt road, and hanging tree limbs scrape against the side of my vehicle, but we make our way down the edge. When we finally come to the paved road, we see limbs are down everywhere.

  The storm was strong, but I had no idea what the intensity of it was, because I was swarming with all the emotions Madison was making me feel. She pushed me to finally admit I still love her after all this time. It’s a feeling I forced down to the deepest pits, never wanting it to resurface, but as she confronted me, making me admit I will never escape my feelings for her, I finally unleashed them. I was scared as hell when I let the words fall out. I didn’t think I would ever allowed myself to be that vulnerable again. The one time I did, she left me high and dry, stranded on the cliff with my heart dying in my hands as I looked at that note.

  I know she is sorry for what she did, and I should have been more willing to listen to what she had to say. I am sorry I have been such an asshole to her, but I can’t shake the pain I still feel when I think about that night ten years ago. Although I am sure it will heal with time, I know myself, and doubt will always creep back into my head. I have been living with the very thought of someone leaving me for the past ten years, so it is not going to be that easy to shake. That, I can tell you.

  When we pull into the bed and breakfast, I smile a big, toothy grin because the storm has left this place completely unscathed. The reviewer from Around the World magazine is going to be here in a week, and how the hell would that look if I didn’t have the property pristine for her visit? We are lucky, nonetheless. Barely a branch is down, and as the sun illuminates the large guest house from behind, I can only feel pride for this place. I know, if my parents were here, they would feel the same.

  Nita walks from the guest house and practically starts running toward us. Madison hops down from the truck, and I walk around the front, meeting her on the passenger side as I sling my wet, dirty shirt over my shoulder. Like an old man going for a stroll in the park, I simply walk carefree with the woman I love by my side, riding the high from the last couple of hours.

  Madison is covered in mud, wearing only my zip-up sweat shirt. Luckily it is long enough to cover her lace covered ass. Still, Nita doesn’t miss a beat as she studies us. She is no longer worried as her expression changes from concern to annoyance.

  “I know I’m not young like you kids, but I hardly think going out in a storm to do what you did is the safe thing to do.” She walks over to me and swats me on the arm. “The sight of the two of you is the best thing my eyes have seen in so long, though.” Like a proud mama, Nita is beaming from ear to ear, and frankly, so am I.

  Madison blushes as she makes her way into my house, and I smile big knowing that is where she will be staying. She is no longer a guest; she is mine. She will be here.

  We say nothing to each other as we make our way down to the bathroom and get under the warm water in the shower. We spend forever under the water, washing the grime and dirt from our bodies.

  When I look down at the shower floor, I can see the dark brown dirt circle as it floods the drain. I study it as it escapes down the pipes, and a thought comes to me.

  I am finally ridding myself of the pain I have been holding deep down inside. The blackness of my soul is finally able to wash away, to be clean, and it is because of her. It is because of Madison I am standing here, watching the past pain escape as it swirls around my feet then leaves forever, slipping down the drain. She washed it all away.

  I grab Madison in my arms and pull her we
t body to me then hold her. I just hug her, and she doesn’t hesitate to hold me back. When I pull my face back, I look into her eyes and simply say thank you. There are countless reasons to thank her, and I am incredibly glad I have the time to finally do it.

  After the shower, we lie in my bed with her wrapped in my arms, and we can’t stop looking at each other. In the quiet of the moment, I study her face.

  Her eyes are the deepest, shimmery blue. They remind me of the ocean as every emotion she gives mirrors that of the rolling waves coming in. They can be calm; they can be dangerous; and they can be serene. Whenever I look down at the waves under the high cliffs, I will always feel that way. However, as I look at her now, they are at peace. She is at peace, and my insides are finally starting to feel the slightest bit of contentment after ten long years of agony.

  Nothing can compare to the last few hours with Nate. It is indescribable how your life can change in one moment, sending you on a completely different journey. That is exactly what happened when I finally broke through Nate’s wall of self-loathing. He finally admitted to me his true feelings, and I finally admitted to myself how much I really care for him.

  I love him.

  As I look at him now, I know this is where I need to be. Nate and I were always meant to be together. I may have thought differently when we were younger; then again, I never gave myself the opportunity to believe otherwise. Now that I have, I will never trade it for anything in the world. I love him, and he loves me. The thought makes me smile inside and out.

  However, as I lie here and reflect on what Nate said on the cliffs, I know I need to address it with him. He admitted some very heartbreaking truths, and it is no wonder he has been living in this hateful state for so many years. I want to talk to him about it, but I am not sure if now is the best time. We have only come together. I have finally seen him smile and feel something other than disgust, so do I really want to ruin that? Do I want to upset our fragile balance? Regardless, as the thought crosses my mind, Nate reads it in my expression before I get the opportunity to ask.

  “She was five months pregnant,” Nate blurts out then rolls over to his back and fastens his eyes to the ceiling.

  I tuck myself into his body and drape my arm over his stomach. I know what he is about to say is painful, and I want him to know I am here and listening. I run my fingertips over his torso and place a kiss on his shoulder, encouraging him to speak and letting him know I am here for him.

  “I was numb when she first told me she was going to have my baby. I didn’t really care about anything. I hadn’t cared about much since you left and my parents died. I met Lisa three years after they passed away, and she was only someone I spent my drunken nights with. No one special to me, and honestly, I wasn’t someone special to her. We were just two people who wanted to escape through sex and the bottle.

  “When she told me she was pregnant, it took me a while to register what she was really saying, but once I got used to the idea of having a kid, I knew I needed to get my shit together. I needed to stop the drinking and get something right for a change. I tried to think about what my parents would want me to do, and I decided I should try to make the relationship work with her. I owed it to the kid to give it a chance.

  “And it was good for about a month. We got along, but then I started to fall down that same, old path: booze, women, the cliffs, you…”

  I snap my face up to him, and he leans his head down, looking back at me. “Why me?”

  “It’s always been you, Madison. The moment you left, a major part of me left, and I hated you for it. For all these years, I’ve hated you and wanted you to suffer. I knew you were off, living the good life in New York. I knew you were happy with your new life.”

  “What?”

  “After you moved up there, I managed to find you on campus, and I spent a week up there, watching. I’d hang back and watch you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, I needed to make sure you were truly happy. I’d see you come in and out of the buildings as you walked from class to class. I saw you smiling almost every time you’d walk by me. I knew I couldn’t ruin that. I had to let you be there, and I had to finally accept that is truly what you wanted to do. I think that’s when my pain turned to hate. I hated seeing you so happy, only because I knew I’d never have that kind of smile ever again. Well … until lately.” Nate leans down and kisses my forehead.

  I feel like a damn idiot. I always thought I saw Nate’s face around campus, especially in the beginning, so maybe I wasn’t crazy. I missed him greatly and assumed he was every face in the crowd for a reason. Maybe I should have paid more attention. Then I would have really seen him, but what would have that outcome turned out to be?

  Distracting me, Nate continues, “Like I said, I fell back into my old ways, and the night I pushed Lisa, I was coming home from a three day binge. She confronted me, angry as hell for being gone, and deep down, I think she was jealous because she couldn’t drink. She loved the bottle almost as much as I did. She slapped me, and I pushed her hard. When she fell, she landed on her stomach. A couple hours later, I was driving her to the emergency room. My son died…” Nate lets out a breath. A sheen of tears covers his eyes yet doesn’t fall. He holds them in and swallows down the hurt and guilt. “I will never forgive myself for what I did. The sick thing is, Lisa almost seemed happy she lost the baby, so I guess maybe it was meant to be, but that’s a horrifying thought, too.”

  “Have you ever considered speaking to a professional about it? The booze only masks it. It won’t help you deal with the pain from what happened. You should really consider talking to someone, Nate,” I advise, hoping he takes me seriously. Tragic events like that don’t go away unless you address them and set them free. They don’t immediately leave, but over time, you can function in life without all the soul-crushing, self-inflicting pain.

  “I’ve told you”—Nate rolls to the side and shrugs—“you can be my therapy.” He leans down and kisses the bridge of my nose. “Now that I think about it, fighting has been my therapy for the past eight months. I think I was at rock bottom when Briggs approached me to fight, and I was glad to get the shit kicked out of me. I was actually hoping for worse; however, like with your dad, something inside of me snapped, and I unleashed the darkness. Through my fist, I would beat and beat on men until they were bloody, and I was exhausted. I never felt the pain when I was fighting; I was releasing it.”

  “But it’s dangerous, Nate.”

  “Yeah, but it’s a good way to die.”

  I sit up and look at him. I know he has had this death wish, but to hear him admit it sober is heartbreaking.

  “Hey, don’t look at me like that. I could never follow through with it. I’d find myself on the brink many, many times, but I never had the balls to lower my fists and let someone do it or jump from that damn cliff. Something powerful always kept me clinging onto this earth longer. Now I’m convinced the reason you came back to Crestbrook was to save my life. This invisible force you have around me has been keeping me alive all this time. I was biding my time, waiting for your return. I was holding on for you.”

  A smile explodes from deep inside as I lie down and wrap my arms around his neck. I roll on top of him and kiss his lips. I love this man, and I cannot wait to see where the future will take us now.

  I pull away and whisper, “And I will never let go.”

  chapter fourteen

  I AM INCREDIBLY NERVOUS. I feel like my stomach is going to explode with a swarm of bees or something. I have been living in an oblivious state for the past month, and not one single moment has been from the delirium of booze. I’ve been riding the high Madison gives me every time she smiles in my direction or kisses my lips or presses her sexy body into mine or when she looks deeply at me and tells me she loves me. I will never need a drop of whiskey, because Madison is here. She will be all I need. However, now my mind is on other things, waiting to hear back from the reviewer, Victoria, and wondering if I will
be featured in an upcoming issue.

  She brought a photographer who shot pictures of my little place inside and out. He even took a picture of me with the guest house as the back drop. Not one for pictures, I hope I didn’t look like a fucking idiot. I simply put my hands in my jean’s pocket and stood there like I didn’t have a care in the world. I didn’t smile, but I didn’t look like my brooding self. I was just there, hoping the readers wouldn’t look at me, but at the guest house. Although I don’t want the attention, I do want—in fact, need—the business.

  During the entire process, Madison was as cool as cucumber, following Victoria around and chatting away. They were reminiscing about old times, and Victoria was filling Madison in on all the gossip going around. I blocked most of it out, except the part where her ex got the boot for attempting to do another trick like he did with Madison. She only laughed and shrugged. He deserved it. All that shit eventually catches up with you. Karma never forgets, only bides its time before it snatches your balls in its hand and gives it a good, hard squeeze.

  Now I am forced to sit and wonder if we are going to be featured or not. Madison only smiles when I try to talk to her about it. If she knows something, she is holding out and not saying a word. It doesn’t matter, I guess. She told me she was staying, that nothing is going to keep us apart again. Honestly, if that is what I get out of this entire deal, then I am okay with it. It is all I have ever wanted since I was a kid, just Madison.

  We have had a handful of guests since the new marketing plan was put into play. We are not bringing in the money like we used to; therefore, I still fight to keep the cash flowing in. Madison is not a fan, but I told her it won’t last too much longer. That is probably why she has been working diligently to get the website perfect and reaching out to old contacts for favors. She wants me out of the fighting circle—that much I know—but she has never outright said it. The look on her face explains her feelings clearly, and she will hug and hold me like she’ll never see me again before I leave.