Not That Kind of Love

by K. S. Martin

  “Jes, I like zee sexy pants.” I put on my worst foreign accent. He laughed. I switched off the light and lay down. “Good night Jamie,” he pulled the covers over us and wrapped his arm around me pulling me to him. My body fit perfectly with his and I relaxed against him, the bottoms of my feet on the tops of his, his knees were bent behind mine, my back against his front and my rear end curved into his groin. I could still smell the remnants of the cologne I’d bought for his last birthday. I inhaled deeply. God he smelled so good, my belly clenched with desire as it always did when we were like this. We’d slept this way more nights than I could count. We’d spooned perfectly since we were kids. When we stayed up too late watching overtime or drinking, and sometimes when we went on camping trips. More often though it was because of the nightmares because I don’t have them when Jamie is with me. Nothing more had ever happened. Jamie would hold me this way without any funny business, sometimes he kissed my cheek or my neck or the hollow under my ear like he did now and he would go to sleep. I used to wonder or worry about it, depending on the day, now I just enjoyed his strength and the rest. I always slept best with him curled up behind me. He makes me feel safe and comforted. I know Jamie likes girls because he’s had a lot of dates and because I walked in on him and a girl once. We’d swapped keys the day we’d signed our respective leases and frequently helped ourselves to each other’s belongings. I don’t remember what it was that I needed that day but I had let myself into his apartment and heard voices. They were in the bedroom and she was straddling him. His hands were on her breasts and she was calling for God. The blonde woman looked like she came straight off the cover of a magazine. She was voluptuous, leggy, tan, with movie star hair and not someone with whom I could ever compete. His tastes were typical male. I stifled an anxious giggle and left quietly. I never told him, but I am pretty sure that he knew that I was there because he gave me expectant looks for a few days. I know he was waiting for the comment, remark or joke that I was bound to make but I kept it to myself. Some things should be private even between friends. The last time I looked at the clock it was two fifteen and Jamie was snoring softly in my ear. His half erection was pressed against my butt, but I didn’t think it had anything to do with me, most guys get several a night.

  I woke with Jamie’s hand on my bare breast. I cracked one eye but didn’t move. I wouldn’t want to embarrass him or for him to stop. I love Jamie and I love the idea of being with him. He is spectacular. I pulled my knees higher and pressed my ass deeper into his groin. I stretched then and turned slightly toward him. I sighed his name hoping for a reaction. Jamie’s pelvis rubbed against my backside and his hand kneaded my breast. I wasn’t sure if he was asleep or awake and I was afraid to move because I didn’t’ want him to stop. His hand moved to cup my mound and my eyes widened. Was this really happening? Was he awake? I pushed back against him, his erection rubbing against my bottom. I really hoped that he was awake and that this was finally what I had hoped for. The heel of his hand was pressing against my core now and my heart was beginning to pound. I wanted him inside of me. I could hear his breaths growing heavier and his hand was pressing harder against my clitoris. My inner muscles were clenching and I was going to orgasm soon. My lower belly was heavy with the fire that was igniting, one that I would not be able to still, not that I wanted to. Harder he pressed against me and faster he moved against me. I gasped then moaned his name as I crashed and he stilled against me. He’d just woken up and now he was frozen in place and probably mortified. I didn’t want him to be mortified. I wanted him to do that again and next time without the thin layers of cotton between us. I wanted him inside of me. “You’re killing me Mich.” He muttered. Jamie got up and went to the bathroom. I smiled. I kept my eyes closed until I smelled bacon and coffee. What did he mean? I’m killing him? He’s been tormenting me with his sexuality since we were ten. Up until them we were friends but once I’d turned ten I knew that I wanted him.

  Jamie was sitting at my kitchen counter on a bar stool reading the paper and sipping coffee. I grinned at the flamingoes again then I climbed up beside him and grabbed a piece of bacon and nibbled. He put some scrambled eggs on my plate and passed my coffee to me. I looked around for a fork it seemed that he’d forgotten mine, so I took his, he was finished eating. I saw his sideways glance but I ignored it. I would already be dead if Jamie’s germs could hurt me. I nibbled at the bacon with my chin propped on my hand. I could feel him watching me. He reached over and pulled the tie from my hair. I smacked sleepily at his hand. As much as he didn’t want it in his face all night, he hated it tied up, he said it made me look snobby. He picked up his plate, napkin and coffee cup and carried them to the sink where he rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher. “Hurry up, you have one hour.” Jamie called over his shoulder as he let himself out. I mimicked him when the door closed. He stuck his head back in and said, “I heard that.” I stuck my tongue out at him, his smile was wide and the door closed again. I finished my breakfast and went into the bathroom. I turned the hot water on and went to the bedroom to undress. I love walking around naked, I’m not sure if it’s the prospect of getting caught by Jamie or because I don’t have to spend time figuring out what to wear. I’m not embarrassed to be naked in front of him. He never bothers to look. Well after this morning he might. Usually though I may as well have balls as far as Jamie is concerned. Just last night when he found me in the middle of the nightmare, he never noticed that all I had on were panties. I made the bed, gathered up loose clothes around the apartment and put them away, then laid out my work clothes. I went back to the bathroom to check the water, the pipes were notoriously slow. It was getting warm enough to get in now, the slowness never bothered Jamie he could shower in cold water. The thought sent a shiver through me. I hate cold water. I got in and washed my hair, conditioned, shaved my under arms and legs. I soaped up and was rinsing off when I heard the curtain open. I spun around with a scream caught in my throat.

  “Jamie, what the hell?” I yelled at him. “You scared the shit out of me.” I made a half hearted attempt to cover my girl parts. He quirked a half smile.

  “I picked up conditioner at the grocery store not shampoo. Do you have any extra?” His eyes were darker than the usual blue, and traveled over me. I couldn’t help but notice him noticing. I gasped.

  “Look under the sink.” I said when I regained my composure. The curtain snapped shut and I heard him rifling around under there. He opened the curtain again shaking his head. I handed him mine. “I’m done, but I want it back for tomorrow.” He nodded and pulled the curtain again. I stood under the water considering what had just happened. Had he really just taken an inventory of my body? That wasn’t like him. He never noticed me except for lunch, grocery shopping, sporting events and the like. My name may as well be Mitch instead of just pronounced that way, a name that he gave me. Once in college in our second year, we had an apartment together. I did my thing and he did his. We had a few classes together, we ate together sometimes and we commuted home together. We were in a two bedroom and shared common space. I spent more time in Jamie’s house growing up than he did and us living together was natural. Not one eyebrow was raised by our parents when we came up with the idea. It saved money and we would keep each other safe and on track. No dorm fees and no meal plan. We’d both been schooled in shopping with coupons and cooking. He brought girls home to hang out, study or tutor and sometimes I brought guys home for the same reasons. Sometimes the girls would spend the night and I would keep my head under the pillows. I couldn’t stand to hear that. We were best friends but I loved him. To Jamie though I may as well have been a guy then too, until the morning he came into bathroom while I was showering. Jamie is tall and he can look over the top of the shower curtain rod if he wants. He came in and peeped over at me. Don’t get it wrong, that wasn’t unusual. Jamie saw me naked plenty of times. Jamie has five sisters he’s seen plenty of boobs and plenty of bush. We’d skinny dipped a dozen times and we’d wrestled in the wa
ter plenty of times. Jamie seeing me wouldn’t freak me out. What did freak me out was what I was doing when he looked in. I had a shower head on a hand wand with a massager on it. He looked over when I was nearly half way to bliss in a yet another fantasy about him.

  “Jeez Mich what are you doing?” I screamed and dropped the wand. “God if you need a man, get one.” He snapped the curtain shut with a look of disgust. I’ve never forgotten that look. I always wanted him so much but in that instant it finally sank in that to Jamie, I was just another guy. It didn’t help my self esteem and it really didn’t give me any courage to approach him romantically.

  Chapter 3

  I turned the water off and got out pulling myself out of the memory. There was always a blonde or red head hanging around and giving me malevolent glances. Jamie had a steady stream of girls. They all wanted him and they all wanted me gone. What none of them were smart enough to realize was that I held no appeal for the great Jamie Flanagan. I looked myself over in the mirror trying to see what he saw. I wondered if he saw something that needed improvement. I needed a bikini wax but I hated them with a passion, because they really hurt. Do guys look at that? One thing was for sure, if Jamie saw something that needed improved upon, he would tell me. He didn’t mind telling me in high school that I should take up running because it was great exercise which really meant that I needed to lose a few pounds. He rarely lied and never could hold back information, especially if it was about me. Sometimes that was an annoying trait. I’m not very curvy like the blonde was, I have breasts, I am female but they aren’t big or round, they are just typical and average. My waist is smaller than my hips but not by much. My legs are well toned due to running and I guess my ass is not bad. It’s good for sitting on. My hair is brown and nothing special. It’s wavy and almost halfway down my back. I have a small nose and tiny dimples at the corners of my mouth. I have greenish gray hazel eyes and I think that I am pretty average, not impressive and certainly no supermodel. I wish I had the movie star hair, the deeply bronzed skin and huge boobs that he obviously likes so well but…I’m just me. Since he’d never tried anything with me, I decided that he obviously didn’t like what he saw. That fact was a constant hollow ache in my soul. Jamie could have a supermodel if he wanted. He’s impressive. He’s smart, funny and has a perfect ass, a wash board belly, broad shoulders, a square jaw and long toned legs. Jamie also has perfect manners when he wants due to the constant harping of his Mom and five sisters. He’s tall, well built, clean cut and has a nice smile that not only begs attention, it is infectious. He’s polite, ‘make a mother proud’ polite. It is a rare quality these days. I just hope that when he finds her that she won’t flip out when she finally meets me. I’m sure he will tell her his best friend is Mich and that we’re just drinking buddies. Of course they will fight when she eventually sees me because Jamie won’t mention that I am female, he wouldn’t bother, because to him, I’m just Mich. I was brushing my hair when he came back, wearing his navy blue pants that hung off his hips nicely with a pink dress shirt and tie. He looked flawless as usual. I turned on the blow dryer and worked on my hair, I was still naked. He was leaning on the counter sipping coffee. He loved the pod machine that he had bought me for Christmas and kept it stocked for me. It did make great coffee, I had to admit. I brushed and knotted the mess on top of my head and went from the bathroom to the bedroom. I glanced in the mirror that hung on the wall between the two rooms, he was watching me. That pervert was watching me, and he was smiling. What the hell had I missed? When did Jamie start eyeing me like that? I counted back mentally, when was that girl on top of him? Was it six months? Maybe it was a year? Shit. Was he just looking? I did have all the right parts if he needed a mental hand job. I had been working out and except for needing the bikini wax, I look good for me. I was probably imagining it. Earlier was a dream to him, I probably wasn’t the girl he was dreaming about while he was humping me. I opened the dresser drawers and looked for my favorite underwear set, it was Friday after all, and you never know, I could get lucky later today. We would be at Ryan’s knocking them back later and the hottie could be there tonight. The guy was really cute, not like Jamie but definitely someone I could make out with. He was shorter than Jamie and had dark brown hair, but the thing that spent me spinning was his eyes. They were incredible. They’re a golden toffee brown and they twinkle with mischief. I really need to find out what he is up to that makes his eyes twinkle like that. He has a nice smile and I catch him looking at me a lot, but he never approaches me. I’m not sure if he’s interested or if I’m so hideous that he can’t stop looking. I keep hoping that Jamie will come to me but I think it’s time that I accept it that he isn’t interested and find a boyfriend. Maybe I will find the balls to go talk to the brown eyed hottie. I found the underwear that I was looking for and put them on where he could watch if he wanted. What did I care, it’s not like I hadn’t ogled him on occasion, just last night I had taken mental snapshots of his torso. I love his hip bone, the way his pants hang off it. When I had stepped into my black pumps and grabbed my purse, I smiled at him. “Are you ready?” I took my coffee cup from him. He held the front door open for me then went to push the elevator button while I locked the door. I was backing the SUV out of the parking spot when he turned in his seat to look at me. Usually he watched traffic considering himself the co-pilot. “What’s on your mind?” I asked as I put my sunglasses on. I was glad that I had when I pulled out into traffic because the sun was very bright and blinding that morning. He was still watching me. I made a mental note that I had to pick up flowers this morning for Hannah.

  “Do you want to have lunch today?” He asked, I glanced at him and pursed my lips. Something was different, the look in his eye? Maybe it was the tone of his voice but something niggled at me. I touched the blue tooth in my ear.

  “Call Hannah.” I waited as it trilled in my ear. “Hi Hannah.” I said when she answered. Hannah was already at her desk. “Do I have a meeting today? It seems like I had one scheduled, but I can’t remember.” Hannah was tapping computer keys.

  “Yes Ma’am. You have an eleven thirty with Lee Owings and then a twelve o’clock with the Peterson people. I have your spreadsheets and reports collated and on your desk. Also, Mr. Anderson would like to see you for a briefing when you arrive. How far out are you so that I may relay it to him? He seems anxious.”

  “He’s standing there isn’t he?” She gave me a yes ma’am. “I’m twenty minutes maybe thirty depending on traffic. Thanks Hannah, I will see you soon.” I took a deep breath. “I have a brief as soon as I get there with Anderson. He is so anal that I’m sure it’s over the Owings account. Then meetings till after lunch so, no, sorry.” I reached for my coffee. He was still looking at me I noticed from my peripheral vision. “Jamie, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” I glanced at him, he looked odd. I hoped it wasn’t serious. I don’t know any other way to explain the look except as expectant. He took a long sip of his coffee.

  “Mich, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about some stuff.” I squinted partly against the sun and partly because I was concentrating on what he was saying, unsure of what he was going to say. I rarely got a look like that from him. Usually I could anticipate what would be coming depending on what I had screwed up but I didn’t recall screwing anything up lately. He seemed very intense, it was almost, frightening. “Mich, I want kids.” I turned my head to scrutinize him but he couldn’t see how wide my eyes had gone because of the sunglasses. Thank God the sun had been bright. “I need to do something with my life. I can’t keep doing the same shit all the time and never move forward. We did the high school and college thing, now there is other stuff to do.” He exhaled long and slow.