Beacon

by Michelle Irwin

  “You’ll see. Are ya ready?”

  “No. But I trust you.”

  I offered her my hand. “Come with me.”

  We walked through the front door together. Set up on the table was a range of Easter eggs. For once, I was thankful they put them in stores so early in the year.

  “What’s this?” Phoebe asked.

  “This is the twins’ first Easter,” Angel said, pointing to where the girls were in their bouncers on the floor wearin’ little bunny jackets. “And I need to get lots of photos with them with their mummy. So sit here.”

  I guided Phoebe into the seat and sat with her while Angel took a few photos. Then I left the two of them to grab some more pictures while I set up the next surprise for Phoebe.

  When I was finished, I headed back out to the living room to grab Phoebe.

  “Come with me,” I said before leading her to the study. I pushed open the door to reveal an American flag on one wall and a projector screen on another.

  “The Fourth?”

  “It didn’t seem right that ya only got to experience it once.” I helped her onto the sun lounges I’d set up. “So let’s enjoy it together, shall we?”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just say yes.”

  With tears in her eyes, she nodded and took a seat. I squeezed in behind her. After we were both settled, I offered her a plate of s’mores. She grabbed one and then nestled back against me. I pushed a button on the remote, and the projector lit up with a fireworks display. It was a recordin’ I’d been able to find of New Year’s Eve, but that wasn’t the point. It was a matter of givin’ Phoebe one more special day. Of locking away a few more hours of precious memories before the end.

  She only ate half of the s’more she’d taken, before turning back around to cuddle her face against my chest. “I remember this night. It’s one of the best of my life.” Her tears fell harder. “Every day with you has been the best.”

  “I feel the same way, darlin’. I wouldn’t take away a single one.”

  I held her until after the fireworks had stopped, and then I kept holdin’ her.

  Angel knocked on the door. “You guys didn’t fall asleep, did you? We’re all waiting for you out here.”

  “What do you mean all?”

  “Come out and see.” Angel disappeared back down the hall.

  “What did you do?” Phoebe asked as I helped her up.

  “You need something before we can go out there.”

  “Yeah?”

  I reached into a drawer of the desk where I’d hidden two Santa hats. “Yeah.”

  “One last Christmas?” she asked.

  At her words, I couldn’t stop the chasm openin’ in my chest or the tears leapin’ to my eyes.

  “Don’t do that,” she said, lifting her hand and brushing her fingers under my eyes. “Not now. Not yet.”

  Pressing my lips together, I fought off my tears.

  She tugged the Santa hat on. “I’m ready. Are you?”

  I pulled my hat on too and went to lead her from the room.

  She stopped me before I could. “If I’m too exhausted by the end of whatever you have planned, I just wanted to say thank you.”

  “Anythin’ for you, darlin’.” I offered her my arm, and she wrapped her hand over the top.

  I led her out to the living room where Angel had cleared the Easter stuff away and put a Christmas tree. Waiting on the floor, the twins were dressed in little brown reindeer outfits. Under the tree were a few presents for the girls.

  “We wanted you to be there for their first Christmas,” Angel told Phoebe.

  Phoebe swayed a little against me.

  “Are you all right?”

  She held a little tighter to me and nodded. “I’m just a little overwhelmed.”

  I swept her into my arms and carried her to the sofa where we took another round of photos with the girls. It might have been cheatin’, but they’d also be photos we would treasure in years to come.

  “What would you like to do next?” I asked, wantin’ to check because Phoebe looked a little exhausted.

  “Bed. Just for a while. I’ve had a perfect day, but I just need to lie down.”

  Although I wanted to give her everything, I nodded. There was no point pushin’ herself beyond her limits—that would speed things up.

  Leavin’ the girls with Angel, I lifted Phoebe into my arms and carried her to our bedroom. The whole way, she held on tight. Once I’d settled into bed, I helped her put the oxygen tube in place under her nose.

  “Your nurse will be here soon,” I said.

  “She’ll be able to do her own thing even if I’m asleep,” Phoebe said.

  I turned away to grab another blanket, and when I turned back, Phoebe had one hand tucked into the opposite armpit. A guilty look crossed her face.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “It ain’t nothin’,” I said, reaching for her hand. As I guided it out from the place she’d hidden it, her fingers tremored. “When . . .”

  She stared at her lap rather than me. “A few days ago.”

  “Is this part of the reason ya wanted to go off dialysis?”

  She nodded.

  I held her hand in one hand and gently massaged away the tremors with my other. “Don’t be brave, darlin’. This ain’t the time for it.”

  “I just—”

  Every argument she was gonna make about bein’ brave ran through my mind before she could say them. “I know, but no one wants ya to be in pain. No one wants to see ya sufferin’.”

  “I don’t want to be a pain.”

  “It’s impossible for you to be a pain right now. No matter what ya do, I’m gonna love ya, and I want to be here for you. No matter how hard ya try to push me away, I’ll stay here to support ya. No matter how many tremors and symptoms ya show. No matter what I have to do to keep ya comfortable.”

  “You’re too good to me.”

  I shook my head. If I were better for her, maybe she wouldn’t be in the situation she was. If a hundred things had gone differently, maybe the outcome woulda been better. “I just wanna make this as easy for ya as I can.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  I kissed her forehead and settled in beside her as she drifted off. Once she was asleep, I went in search of Angel and the twins. I found the three of them in the nursery.

  “How’s she going?” Angel asked.

  “As well as we can expect. I just wish I could do more for her.”

  “Me too.”

  THE FREQUENCY of visitors to our house increased over the next few days. From the first time we told Declan and Alyssa that Phoebe was goin’ off dialysis—the evenin’ after our bucket list day—they both visited at least once a day and brought her siblings every couple of days. Veronica flew in from Victoria to see Phoebe before the worst could happen. All of her grandparents, both Alyssa’s parents and Declan’s mama, came around at least once a week. Flynn and Luke came around for a few hours when they could. Morgan, Eden, and Max came to stay in Brisbane and dropped in to see Phoebe regularly.

  Phoebe did better than I expected with the near constant rotation of visitors, except it became clear that each day and every visitor wore her out to the point of exhaustion. It happened earlier and with more frequency.

  After six more days of the same, I wondered how much more Phoebe could take the now almost revolvin’ door on the house. All of her family wanted to say their goodbyes while Phoebe was still aware enough to respond, but they failed to understand that it meant Phoebe was facin’ the same conversations over and over again.

  When I’d suggested I could keep everyone away, Phoebe refused. As she had done throughout the rest of her life, she was puttin’ herself second. Her lawyer came to discuss her will, and she kicked me out for that while she sat with her lawyer and an assistant.

  “I just wish I had more time to record the last few videos I wanted to do for you an
d Emma and Abby.”

  “Have ya got much more to do?”

  “Some.”

  I swallowed hard because I wasn’t sure I wanted her to finish them. There were so many selfish reasons I wanted her to struggle with their completion for a long time to come.

  “I’ll try to find ya a li’l time between visitors,” I said.

  “I think I’ll be okay, I’ve been trying to figure out what to say too. For now, I think I’m going to try for a little more sleep. I’m just exhausted.”

  “Okay. I’ll organize somethin’ for dinner.”

  “Nothing big.”

  I kissed her forehead. “No, darlin’, nothing too big.”

  Once I’d finished with Phoebe, I let Angel know I was headin’ to the store to buy something special to cook for Phoebe for dinner. The truth was my wife would probably have no more than three or four mouthfuls, just like every other meal lately, but I’d be darned if those few mouthfuls weren’t gonna be the best thing she’d ever eaten.

  When I arrived home, I stopped in to check on Phoebe. Instead of findin’ her asleep like I’d thought she would be, she was in bed sobbin’ heavily. I rushed to her side, knocking over the tablet she had set up on her bed. Gatherin’ her in my arms, I asked what was wrong. If there was somethin’ I could fix, I wanted to make it better for her. Wished I could make everything better.

  “I’ve just finished,” she said, shiftin’ positions and wipin’ away her tears.

  I didn’t need to ask her what she’d finished. She only had one more thing she wanted to do before she said goodbye. Her videos.

  It was impossible to respond because my throat closed up at her words. As grateful as I was for the chance to say goodbye properly—somethin’ not everyone got—I wasn’t nearly ready to let her go. Without her project to give her somethin’ to look forward to, how long would she keep fightin’?

  “You promise not to look at them early.” She reached out and cupped my cheek with her hand.

  I nodded as I clasped her hand between both of mine and kissed her fingers. “Course I won’t, darlin’.” The words were near silent, but it was the best I could manage.

  “It’s not too late for me to send them to the lawyers if I can’t trust you.”

  “Cross my heart.” I squeezed my eyes closed as I said the words. When I opened them again, they were flooded with tears. It wasn’t what I wanted though. I was tryin’ ta be strong for her. Tryin’ ta be as brave as she was.

  “Can you hold me?” she asked.

  “Course.” Roundin’ the bed, I climbed in beside her. “Are ya comfortable?”

  She gave me a serene smile and nodded.

  I wrapped myself against her side and laid my head beside hers on the pillow.

  “Beau,” she whispered.

  “Yeah, darlin’?”

  She twisted ’round to look at me. “You can cry if you want to. I don’t mind.”

  With a shake of my head, I nuzzled against her and kissed her cheek, making sure I didn’t dislodge the oxygen tube that ran beneath her nostrils. “There’s time for that later,” I said. “Now, I just wanna spend some time with my wife.”

  She lifted her hand and caressed my cheek. Her gaze found mine, and we stared into each other’s eyes. After a few minutes, she spoke again. “Can you please make me a promise?”

  “Anythin’.”

  “When the time comes, I need you to let me go. Can you do that? For me?”

  I wanted to deny her that. There was no way I could willingly let go of the life we’d shared. No way I could let her go without a fight. I couldn’t say that though. There was nothing I could deny her.

  Despite that, my voice was still broken and near silent when I whispered, “Course.”

  WHEN I woke the next mornin’, I was still wrapped around Phoebe. I’d had a restless night where I’d woken often. Each time her breath had hitched, or she’d let out a moan, I’d started awake.

  I’d heard the babies at one point, but when I’d opened the door, Angel let me know she was okay with them. I hated that I was puttin’ so much on her, but I didn’t want to miss a minute of Phoebe’s last days.

  I pulled away from Phoebe to take in her appearance. She’d changed so much in just a few months. Life was slippin’ away from her day by day.

  As I woke more, I watched her for signs that she might be close to wakin’. My blood chilled when I couldn’t see her chest risin’ and fallin’.

  “Darlin’?” My heart felt three sizes too big in my chest as I reached for her wrist to feel for her pulse. Relief flooded through me when I felt it; faint but there.

  I bundled her into my arms and wished harder than ever for a miracle. It was impossible, but that didn’t stop me from hopin’ for it with all my heart. “Hold on for me, darlin’. I ain’t ready to let you go yet no matter what you made me say.”

  A sob left me as I buried my head in the crook of her neck. With my ear near her mouth, I could hear her soft, labored breaths. I moved the oxygen tube a li’l closer to her nose and rested my forehead on her cheek. Despite my promise just hours earlier, I couldn’t let her go. I wouldn’t be able to.

  I didn’t want to.

  There was a knock on the door, but when I didn’t respond, Angel opened it anyway.

  “Oh God.” Angel’s tone was filled with the same horror and dread I’d felt on wakin’. Her tears throttled her voice when she said, “Is she . . .”

  I couldn’t force myself to speak, so I just shook my head.

  “Oh, thank Christ,” she murmured. It was clear she sensed we were nearing the end, just as I did when she added, “I’ll call her parents.”

  I nodded. Phoebe’s nurse would be due around soon, and I wasn’t ready for her.

  Less than ten minutes later, Angel came in and set up a portable crib at the foot of the bed in the room before bringin’ Emma and Abby in one at a time and putting them in the bassinette insert. The girls were so serene as they slept facin’ one another.

  “She’d want them near her today,” Angel said before descending into tears.

  I couldn’t release Phoebe’s hand or find my voice to thank her properly. I felt every second slippin’ away, takin’ me closer to the moment I didn’t have her in my life no more. It was worse than watchin’ my sister pass.

  Angel’s hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I reached up to hold it for a second.

  “Thank you.” I tried to form the words, but they barely fit through the lump of emotions in my throat. My chest burned and an ache overtook my whole body. I was pinned to the bed—to Phoebe’s side—unable to leave even if I’d wanted to.

  Over the course of the day, everyone came in to say their goodbyes. It was almost a routine now because no one wanted to miss out on one last chance to say goodbye. Today seemed more solemn than ever though.

  It was different for all the worst reasons.

  This time, Phoebe didn’t say anything to anyone. She didn’t complain about the fuss and tell them they’d be okay when she was gone. I didn’t talk either. No one asked me to leave her side while they said their private goodbyes. I wasn’t sure I coulda even if they had made the request.

  Everyone spent a few minutes with her, tellin’ her they loved her and how much they would miss her vibrant smile and willin’ laugh. The list was almost endless: Morgan, Eden and Max, her grandparents, Flynn and Luke, her brothers and sisters, and finally her Mum and Dad.

  When her parents walked in, it was clear they’d spent the whole day cryin’. Their sorrow hadn’t just stained their faces; it’d ravaged them. Alyssa sat on the bed near Phoebe’s waist, and Declan knelt at the bedside. He reached for Phoebe’s other hand—the one I wasn’t holdin’ tight—and bundled it up in his own, bringing it to his forehead as his tears fell freely.

  Alyssa brushed her fingers over Phoebe’s forehead before movin’ her hand to rest over mine.

  “How are you coping?” she asked me.

  I hated bein’ so damned weak, but he
r kind and worried words just made my tears fall harder and stole my breath so I couldn’t answer her. She gave me a watery smile that told me she understood. More than that, it spoke of an almost motherly affection for me. Her look told me without words that I’d always be a son to her, even without Phoebe alive to link us together.

  “I’ll give ya some privacy,” I said, tryin’ ta find it in myself to actually move, to take my arm away from Phoebe. It all felt like too much though. Everything did.

  Alyssa squeezed my hand. “Don’t. I wouldn’t dream of stealing you from her side for even a minute.”

  “But—”

  “She’d want you to stay. We’ve said what we needed to already. Now, we just want to be here for her. And you.”

  Emma started to fuss and Alyssa jumped up straight away to grab her.

  “They look so much like Phoebe did at the same age,” she said through a tight throat as she cuddled Emma to her chest.

  Declan stood and paced the room. I figured he was as unable to speak around his emotion as I was. The room was quiet, mostly because Alyssa was right. Everyone else had said their goodbyes to Phoebe. There was only one reason she’d be hangin’ on any longer, and I knew what it was. It was clear what would give her the peace she needed, but I couldn’t do it.

  Time swept mercilessly along.

  Into the evening, the room emptied. Declan and Alyssa took the girls back out to Angel, leavin’ me alone with Phoebe.

  “I ain’t ready to let ya go, darlin’,” I said as I leaned over her sleepin’ frame. I kissed her forehead. Then I rested my cheek against hers and whispered into her ear, “I ain’t ever gonna be. But I know I hafta. I can’t ask ya to hold on anymore for me. It ain’t fair to ya.” I held her closer, reaching down to wrap my hand around hers. “I love you, Phoebe. I ain’t ever gonna stop lovin’ ya, but if you’re ready to go, don’t hold on for me.”

  I sobbed into the pillow as I tried to find the conviction in myself to believe the words I’d said. I hadn’t eaten all day, but that didn’t matter.

  Time ticked on, cruelly marchin’ us toward the inevitable.

  To the final beat of her heart.

  Around midnight, something changed. For half a second, her fingers tightened around mine. Expecting to hear her voice, I pushed up to look at her. My heart expanded, hopin’ that maybe the miracle I’d wished for had happened.