MYTH CONCEPTIONS m-2

by Robert Asprin

  "I'll stay, Skeeve," Aahz volunteered.

  I considered it. Aahz had demonstrated his ability to take care of himself time and time again. Still I didn't trust the commander.

  "Only if you are willing to give us one of your officers in return as a hostage," I replied.

  "I've already said none of-" the commander began.

  "He need not enter our camp," I explained. "He can remain well outside our force, on the edge of the tree line in full view of your force. I will personally guarantee his safety."

  The commander chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Very well," he said. "Since you have shown an interest in his career, I will give you Claude to hold as a hostage."

  The young officer paled but remained silent. "Agreed," I said. "We will await your decision."

  I nodded to my comrades, and they obediently began filing out of the pavilion. Claude hesitated, then joined the procession.

  I wanted to tell Aahz to be careful but decided against it. It wouldn't do to admit my partner's vulnerability in front of the commander. Instead, I nodded curtly to the officers and followed my comrades.

  Tanda and Brockhurst were well on their way back to the treeline. Claude, on the other hand, was waiting for me as I emerged and fell in step beside me.

  "While we have a moment," he said stiffly, "I would like to thank you for interceding in my behalf with my superiors."

  "Don't mention it," I mumbled absently.

  "No, really," he persisted. "Chivalry to an opponent is rarely seen these days. I think-"

  "Look, Claude," I growled, "credit it to my warped sense of justice. I don't like you, and didn't when we first met, but that doesn't make you incompetent. Unpleasant, perhaps, but not incompetent."

  I was harsher with him than I had intended to be, but I was worried about Aahz.

  Finding himself thus rebuked, he sank into an uncomfortable silence which lasted almost until we reached the trees. Then he cleared his throat and tried again.

  "Urn... Skeeve?"

  "Yeah?" I retorted curtly.

  "I ... um... what I was trying to say was that I am grateful and would repay your favor by any reasonable means at my disposal."

  Despite my concern, his offer penetrated my mind as a potential opportunity.

  "Would answering a few questions fall under the heading of ‘reasonable'?" I asked casually.

  "Depending upon the questions," he replied carefully. "I am still a soldier, and my code of conduct clearly states-"

  "Tell you what," I interrupted. "I'll ask the questions, and you decide which ones are okay to answer. Fair enough?"

  "So it would seem," he admitted.

  "Okay," I began. "First question. Do you think the commander will actually bypass Possiltum?"

  The officer avoided my eyes for a moment, then shook his head briskly.

  "I should not answer that," he said, "but I will. I do not feel the commander is even considering it as a serious possibility, nor does any officer in that tent. He is known as ‘the Brute,' even among his most loyal and seasoned troops. May I assure you he did not acquire that nickname by surrendering or capitulating while his force was still intact."

  "Then why did he go through the motions of the meeting just now?" I queried.

  "To gain time," Claude shrugged. "As your assistants noted, he is using the delay to mass his troops. The only code he adheres to is ‘Victory at all costs.' In this case, it seems it is costing him his honor."

  I thought about this for a moment before asking my next question.

  "Claude," I said carefully, "you've faced us in battle, and you know your own army. If your prediction is correct and the Brute attacks in force, in your opinion, what are our chances of victory?"

  "Nil," the officer replied quietly. "I know it may sound like enemy propaganda, but I ask you to believe my sincerity. Even with the additional forces you displayed this evening, if the Brute sets the legions in motion, they'll roll right over you. Were I in your position, I would take advantage of the cover of night to slip away, and not fear the stigma of cowardice. You're facing the mightiest army ever assembled. Against such a force there is no cowardice, only self-preservation."

  I believed him. The only question was what should I do with the advice.

  "I thank you for your counsel," I said formally. "And will consider your words carefully. For now, if you will please remain here in the open as promised, I must consult with my troops."

  "One more thing," Claude said, laying a restraining hand on my arm. "If any harm befalls your assistant, the one you left at the meeting, I would ask that you remember I was here with you and had no part in it."

  "I will remember," I nodded, withdrawing my arm. "But if the Brute tries to lay a hand on Aahz, I'll wager he'll wish he hadn't."

  As I turned to seek out my team, I wished I felt as confident as I sounded.

  Tanda came to me readily when I caught her eye and beckoned her away from the others.

  "What is it, Skeeve?" she asked as we moved away into the shadows. "Are you worried about Aahz?"

  I was, though I didn't want to admit it just yet. The night was almost gone with no signs of movement or activity from the pavilion. Still, I clung to my faith in Aahz. When that failed, I turned my mind to other exercises to distract it from fruitless worry.

  "Aahz can take care of himself," I said gruffly.

  "There's something else I wanted your opinion on."

  "What's that?" she asked, cocking her head.

  "As you know," I began pompously, "I am unable to see the disguise spells I cast. Though everyone else is fooled, as the originator of the spell, I still continue to see things in their true form."

  "I didn't know that," she commented. "But continue."

  "Well," I explained, "I was thinking that if we actually have to fight the army, we could use additional troops. I've got an idea, but I need you to tell me if it actually works."

  "Okay," she nodded. "What is it?"

  I started to resume my oration, then realized I was merely stalling. Instead, I closed my eyes and focused my mind on the small grove of trees ahead.

  "Hey!" cried Tanda. "That's terrific."

  I opened my eyes, being careful to maintain the spell.

  "What do you see?" I asked nervously. "A whole pack of demons... oops ... I mean Perverts," she reported gaily. "Bristling with swords and spears. That's wild!"

  It worked. I was correct when I guessed that my disguise spell could work on any living thing, not just men and beasts.

  "I've never seen anything like it," Tanda marveled. "Can you make them move?"

  "I don't know," I admitted. "I just-"

  "Boss! Hey, Boss!" Brockhurst shouted, sprinting up to us. "Come quick! You'd better see this!"

  "What is it?" I called, but the Imp had reversed his course and was headed for the tree line.

  A sudden fear clutched at my heart. "C'mon, Tanda," I growled and started off.

  By the time we reached the tree line the whole team was assembled there, talking excitedly among themselves.

  "What is it?" I barked, joining them.

  The group fell silent, avoiding my eyes. Brockhurst lifted a hand and pointed across the meadow.

  There, silhouetted against a huge bonfire was Aahz, hanging by his neck from a crude gallows. His body was limp and lifeless as he rotated slowly at the end of the rope. At his feet, a group of soldiers were gathered to witness the spectacle.

  Relief flooded over me, and I began to giggle hysterically. Hanging! If only they know!

  Alarm showed in the faces of my team as they studied my reaction in shocked silence.

  "Don't worry!" I gasped. "He's okay!"

  Early in my career with Aahz, I had learned that one doesn't kill demons by hanging them. Their neck muscles are too strong! They can hang all day without being any the worse for wear. I had, of course, learned this the hard way one day when we....

  "At least they have the decency to burn the body," Claude murmured
from close beside me.

  My laughter died in my throat.

  "What?" I cried, spinning around.

  Sure enough, the soldiers had cut down Aahz's "body" and were carrying it toward the bonfire with the obvious intention of throwing it in.

  Fire! That was a different story. Fire was one of the things that could kill Aahz deader than....

  "Ajax!" I cried. "Quick! Stop them from-"

  It was too late.

  With a heave from the soldiers, Aahz arched into the roaring flames. There was a quick burst of light, then nothing.

  Gone! Aahz!

  I stood staring at the bonfire in disbelief. Shock numbed me to everything else as my mind reeled at the impact of my loss.

  "Skeeve!" Tanda said in my ear, laying a hand on my shoulder.

  "Leave me alone!" I croaked.

  "But the army..."

  She let the word trail off, but it made its impact. Slowly I became conscious of the world around me.

  The legions, having given us our answer, were massing for battle. Drums boomed, heralding the rising sun as it reflected off the polished weapons arrayed to face us.

  The army. They had done this!

  With deliberate slowness I turned to face Claude. He recoiled in fear from my gaze.

  "Remember!" he cried desperately. "I had nothing to-"

  "I remember," I replied coldly. "And for that reason only I am letting you go. I would advise, however, that you choose a path to follow other than rejoining the army. I have tried to be gentle with them, but if they insist on having war, as I am Skeeve, we shall give it to them!"

  Chapter Twenty-Three:

  "What is this, a Chinese fire drill?"

  -SUN TZU

  I DIDN'T see where Claude went after I finished speaking with him, nor did I care. I was studying the opposing army with a new eye. Up to now I had been thinking defensively, planning for survival. Now I was thinking as the aggressor.

  The legions were in tight block formations, arrayed some three or four blocks deep and perhaps fifteen blocks wide. Together they presented an awesome impression of power, an irresistible force that would never retreat.

  That suited me fine. In fact, I wanted a little insurance that they would not retreat.

  "Ajax!" I called without turning my head.

  "Here, youngster!" the bowman replied from close beside me.

  "Can Blackie send your arrows out beyond those formations?"

  "I reckon so," he drawled.

  "Very well," I said grimly. "The same drill as the first battle, only this time don't go for the wagons. I want a half circle of fire around their rear."

  As before, the bowstring set up a rhythmic "thung" as the bowman began to lose shaft after shaft. This time, however, it seemed the arrows burst into flame more readily.

  "Ease off, youngster," Ajax called. "Yer burnin' em up before they reach the ground."

  He was right. Either I was standing directly on a force line, or my anger had intensified my energies. Whatever the reason, I found myself with an incredible amount of power at my disposal.

  "Sorry, Ajax," I shouted, and diverted a portion of my mind away from the ignition point.

  "Tanda!" I called. "Run back and get Gleep!"

  "Right, Skeeve," came the reply.

  I had a hunch my pet might come in handy before this brawl was done.

  The front row of the army's formation was beginning to advance to the rhythmic pounding of drums. I ignored them.

  "Brockhurst!"

  "Here, boss!" the Imp responded, stepping to my side.

  "Have you spotted the commander yet?"

  "Not yet," came the bitter reply. "He's probably buried back in the middle of the formation somewhere."

  "Well, climb a tree or something and see if you can pinpoint him," I ordered.

  "Right, boss! When I see him, do you want me to go after him?"

  "No!" I replied grimly. "Report back to me. I want to handle him myself."

  The front line was still advancing. I decided I'd better do something about it. With a sweep of my mind, I set fire to the meadow in front of the line's center. The blocks confronted by this barrier ground to a halt while the right and left wings continued their forward movement.

  "Gleep!" came a familiar voice accompanied by an even more familiar blast of bad breath. "We're back!" Tanda announced unnecessarily. I ignored them and studied the situation. Plumes of white smoke rising from behind the Empire's formation indicated that Ajax was almost finished with his task. Soon, the army would find itself cut off from any retreat. It was time to start thinking about our attack. The first thing I needed was more information.

  "Gus!" I said thoughtfully, "I want you to take a quick flight over their formations. See if you can find a spot to drop Berfert where he can do some proper damage."

  "Right, boss," the gargoyle grunted, lumbering forward.

  "Wait a minute," I said, a thought occurring to me. "Tanda, have you still got the invisibility sheet with you?"

  "Right here!" she grinned.

  "Good," I nodded. "Gus, take the sheet with you. Keep it in front of you as long as you can while you're checking them out. There's no sense drawing fire until you have to."

  The gargoyle accepted the sheet with a shrug. "If you say so, boss," he muttered. "But they can't do much to me."

  "Use it anyway," I ordered. "Now get moving."

  The gargoyle sprang heavily into the air and started across the meadow with slow sweeps of his massive wings. I found it hard to believe anything that big and made of stone could fly, but I was seeing it. Maybe he used levitation.

  "All set, youngster," Ajax chortled, interrupting my thoughts. "Anything else I can do for ya?"

  "Not just now, Ajax," I replied. "But stand by." I was glad that portion of my concentration was free now. This next stunt was going to take all the energy I could muster.

  I focused my mind on the grass in front of the advancing left wing. As testimony to the effectiveness of my efforts, that portion of the line ground to an immediate halt.

  "Say!" Tanda breathed in genuine admiration.

  "That's neat."

  The effect I was striving for was to have the grass form itself into an army of Imps, rising from the ground to confront the Empire's troops. I chose Imps this time instead of demons because Imps are shorter, therefore requiring less energy to maintain the illusion.

  Whatever my efforts actually achieved, it was enough to have the soldiers react. After several shouted orders from their officers, the troops let fly a ragged barrage of javelins at the grass in front of them. The weapons, of course, had no effect on their phantom foe.

  "Say, youngster," Ajax said, nudging me lightly.

  "You want me to do something about those jokers shootin' at our gargoyle?"

  I turned slightly to check Gus's progress. The flying figure had passed over the center line troops, the ones my fire was holding in check. The soldiers could now see the figure behind the invisible sheet, and were reacting with enviable competence.

  The archers in their formation were busy loosing their shafts at this strange figure that had suddenly appeared overhead, while their comrades did their best to reach the gargoyle with hurled javelins.

  I saw all this at a glance. I also saw something else.

  "Wait a minute, Ajax," I ordered. "Look at that!"

  The various missiles loosed by the center line were falling to earth in the massed formations of the troops still awaiting commands. Needless to say, this was not well received, particularly as they were still unable to see the actual target of their advance force. To them, it must have appeared that by some magik or demonic possession, their allies had suddenly turned and fired on them.

  Now a few blocks began to return the fire, ordering their own archers into action. Others responded by raising their shields and starting forward with drawn swords.

  The result was utter chaos, as the center line troops tried to defend themselves from the attacks of
their own reinforcements.

  Mind you, I hadn't planned it this way, but I was quick to capitalize on the situation. If the presence of a gargoyle could cause this kind of turmoil, I thought it would be a good idea to up the ante a little.

  With a quick brush of my mind, I altered Gus's appearance. Now they had a full-grown dragon hovering over their midst. The effect was spectacular.

  I, however, did not allow myself the luxury of watching. I had learned something in this brief exchange, and I wanted to try it out.

  I dissolved my Imp army, then reformed them, not in front of the troops, but in their midst!

  This threw the formations into total disorder. As the soldiers struck or threw at the phantom figures, more often than not they struck their comrades instead.

  If this kept up, they would be too busy fighting each other to bother with us.

  "Boss!" Brockhurst called, darting up to my side. "I've got the commander spotted!"

  "Where?" I asked grimly, trying not to take my concentration from the battle raging in the meadow.

  The Imp pointed.

  Sure enough! There was the Brute, striding angrily from formation to formation, trying to restore order to his force.

  I heard the telltale whisper of an arrow being drawn.

  "Ajax!" I barked. "Hold your fire. He's mine ....ll mine!"

  As I said this, I dissolved all the Imps in the Brute's vicinity, and instead changed the commander's features until he took on the appearance of Aahz.

  The dazed soldiers saw a demon appear in their midst brandishing a sword, a demon of a type they knew could be killed. They needed no further prompting.

  I had one brief glimpse of the Brute's startled face before his troops closed on him, then a forest of uniforms blotted him from my view.

  "Mission accomplished, boss!" Gus announced, appearing beside me. "What next?"

  "What... did you ..." I stammered.

  I had forgotten that on his return trip, the invisibility sheet would shield the gargoyle from our view. His sudden appearance had startled me.

  "Berfert'll be along when he gets done with their siege equipment," Gus continued, waving toward the enemy.

  I looked across the meadow. He was right! The heavy equipment which had been lined up behind the army was now in flames.