MYTH CONCEPTIONS m-2

by Robert Asprin

  Then I noticed something else.

  The army wasn't fighting each other anymore. I realized with a start that between settling accounts with the Brute and Gus's reappearance, I had forgotten to maintain the Imp army!

  In the absence of any visible foe, the Empire troops had apparently come to their senses and were now milling about trying to reestablish their formations.

  Soon now, they would be ready to attack again.

  "What do we do next, boss?" Brockhurst asked eagerly.

  That was a good question. I decided to stall while I tried to work out an answer.

  "I'll draw you a diagram," I said confidently. "Somebody give me a sword."

  "Here, kid. Use mine," Aahz replied, passing me the weapon.

  "Thanks," I said absently. "Now, this line is their main formation. If we ... Aahz!?"

  "Ready and able," my mentor grinned. "Sorry I'm late."

  It was Aahz! He was standing there calmly with his arms folded as if he had been part of our group all along. The reactions of the others, however, showed that they were as surprised as I was at his appearance.

  "But you ..." I stammered. "The fire..."

  "Oh, that," Aahz shrugged. "About the time I figured what they were doing, I used the D-Hopper to blink out to another dimension. The only trouble was I hadn't gotten around to relabeling the controls yet, and I had a heck of a time finding my way back to Klah."

  Relief flooded over me like a cool wave. Aahz was alive! More important, he was here! The prospects for the battle suddenly looked much better.

  "What should we do next, Aahz?" I asked eagerly.

  "I don't know why you're asking me," my mentor blinked innocently. "It looks like you've been doing a fine job so far all by yourself."

  Terrific! Now that I need advice, I get compliments.

  "Look, Aahz," I began sternly. "We've got a battle coming up that-"

  "Boss!" Brockhurst interrupted. "Something's going on out there!"

  With a sinking heart, I turned and surveyed the situation again.

  A new figure had appeared on the scene, an officer from the look of him. He was striding briskly along the front of the formation alternately shouting and waving his hands. Trailing along in his wake was a cluster of officers, mumbling together and shaking their hands.

  "What in the world is that all about?" I murmured half to myself.

  "Brace yourself, kid," Aahz advised. "If I'm hearing correctly, it's bad news."

  "C'mon, Aahz," I sighed. "How could things get worse than they already are?"

  "Easy," Aahz retorted. "That is the supreme commander of the Empire's army. He's here to find out what's holding up his left flank's advance."

  Chapter Twenty-Four:

  ‘... and then I said to myself, ‘Why should I split it two ways-‘"

  -G. MOUSER

  THE supreme commander's name was Big Julie, and he was completely different from what I had expected. For one thing, when he called for a war council, he came to us. Flanked by his entire entourage of officers, he came all the way across the meadow to stand just short of the tree line, and he came unarmed. What was more, all of his officers were unarmed, presumably at his insistence.

  He seemed utterly lacking in the arrogance so prevalent in the other officers we had dealt with, inviting us into the large tent he had had erected in the meadow for the meeting. Introducing him to the members of my force, I noticed he treated them with great respect and seemed genuinely pleased to meet each of them, even Gleep.

  Our whole team was present for the meeting. We figured that if there was ever a time to display our power, this was it.

  In a surprising show of generosity, Aahz broke out the wine and served drinks to the assemblage. I was a little suspicious of this. Aahz isn't above doctoring drinks to win a fight, but when I caught his eye and raised an eyebrow, he responded with a small shake of his head. Apparently he was playing this round straight.

  Then we got down to business.

  Big Julie heard us out, listening with rapt attention. When we finished, he sighed and shook his head.

  "Ah'm sorry," he announced. "But I can't do it. We've got to keep advancing, you know? That's what armies do!"

  "Couldn't you advance in another direction for a while?" I suggested hopefully.

  "Aie!" he exclaimed, spreading his hands defensively. "What do you think I got here, geniuses? These are soldiers. They move in straight lines, know what I mean?"

  "Do they have to move so vigorously?" Aahz muttered. "They don't leave much behind."

  "What can I say?" Big Julie shrugged. "They're good boys. They do their job. Sometimes they get a little carried away... like the Brute."

  I had hoped to avoid the subject of the Brute, but since it had come up, I decided to face it head on.

  "Say ... um ... Julie," I began.

  "Big Julie!" one of the officers growled out of the corner of his mouth.

  "Big Julie!" I amended hastily. "About the Brute. Um ... he was... well... I wanted .. ."

  "Don't mention it," Julie waved. "You want to know the truth? You did me a favor."

  "I did? "I blinked.

  "I was getting a little worried about the Brute, you know what I mean?" the commander raised his eyebrows. "He was getting a little too ambitious."

  "In that case. ..." I smiled.

  "Still..." Julie continued, "that's a bad way to go. Hacked apart by your own men. I wouldn't want that to happen to me."

  "You should have fed him to the dragons," Aahz said bluntly.

  "The Brute?" Julie frowned. "Fed to the dragons? Why?"

  "Because then he could have been ‘et, too'!"

  Apparently this was supposed to be funny, as Aahz erupted into sudden laughter as he frequently does at his own jokes. Tanda rolled her eyes in exasperation.

  Big Julie looked vaguely puzzled. He glanced at me, and I shrugged to show I didn't know what was going on either.

  "He's strange," Julie announced, stabbing an accusing finger at Aahz. "What's a nice boy like you doing hanging around with strange people? Hey?"

  "It's the war," I said apologetically. "You know what they say about strange bedfellows."

  "You seem to be doin' all right for yourself!" Julie winked, then leered at Tanda.

  "You want I should clean up his act, Boss?" Brockhurst asked grimly, stepping forward.

  "See!" Julie exploded. "That's what I mean. This is no way to learn warfare. Tell you what. Why don't you let me fix you up with a job, hey? What do you say to that?"

  "What pay scale?" Aahz asked.

  "Aahz!" I scowled, then turned back to Julie. "Sorry, but we've already got a job... defending Possiltum. I appreciate your offer, but I don't want to leave a job unfinished."

  "What have I been telling you?" Julie appealed to his officers. "All the good material has been taken already. Why can't you bring me recruits like this, eh?"

  This was all very flattering, but I clung tenaciously to the purpose of our meeting.

  "Um... Jul... I mean. Big Julie," I continued. "About defending Possiltum. Couldn't you find another kingdom somewhere to attack? We really don't want to have to fight you."

  "You don't want to fight?" Julie erupted sarcastically. "You think I want to fight? You think I like doing this for a living? You think my boys like killing and conquering all the time?"

  "Well... "I began tactfully.

  Big Julie wasn't listening. He was out of his seat and pacing up and down, gesturing violently to emphasize his words.

  "What kind of ding-bat wants to fight?" he asked rhetorically. "Do I look crazy? Do my boys look crazy? Everybody thinks we got some kind of weird drive that keeps us going. They think that all we want to do in the whole world is march around in sweaty armor and sharpen swords on other people's helmets. That's what you think too, isn't it? Eh? Isn't it?"

  This last was shouted directly at me. By now I was pretty fed up with being shouted at.

  "Yes!" I roared angrily. "That's what
I think!"

  "Well," Julie scowled. "You're wrong because-"

  "That's what I think because if you didn't like doing it, you wouldn't do it!" I continued, rising to my own feet.

  "Just like that!" Julie shouted sarcastically. "Just stop and walk away."

  He turned and addressed his officers.

  "He thinks it's easy! Do you hear that? Any of you who don't like to fight, just stop. Eh? Just like that."

  A low chorus of chuckles rose from his assembled men. Despite my earlier burst of anger, I found myself starting to believe him. Incredible as it seemed, Julie and his men didn't like being soldiers!

  "You think we wouldn't quit if we could?" Julie was saying to me again. "I bet there isn't a man in my whole army who wouldn't take a walk if he thought he could get away with it."

  Again there was a murmur of assent from his officers.

  "I don't understand," I said, shaking my head.

  "If you don't want to fight, and we don't want to fight, what are we doing here?"

  "Did you ever hear of loan sharks?" Julie asked. "You know about organized crime?"

  "Organized crime?" I blinked.

  "It's like government, kid," Aahz supplied.

  "Only more effective."

  "You'd better believe ‘more effective,' " Julie nodded. "That's what we're doing here! Me and the boys, we got a list of gambling debts like you wouldn't believe. We're kinda working it off, paying ‘em back in land, you know what I mean?"

  "You haven't answered my question," I pointed out. "Why don't you just quit?"

  "Quit?" Julie seemed genuinely astonished. "You gotta be kidding. If I quit before I'm paid up, they break my leg. You know?" His wolfish grin left no doubt the thugs in question would do something a great deal more fatal and painful than just breaking a leg.

  "It's the same with the boys here. Right, boys?" He indicated his officers with a wave of his hand.

  Vigorous nods answered his wave.

  "And you ought to see the collection agent they use. Kid, you might be a fair magician where you come from. But"-he shuddered-"this, believe me, you don't want to see."

  Knowing how tough Big Julie was, I believed him.

  Giving me a warm smile, he draped his arm around my shoulders.

  "That's why it's really gonna break my heart to kill you. Ya know?"

  "Well," I began, "you don't have to ... KILL ME?"

  "That's right," he nodded vigorously. "I knew you'd understand. A job's a job, even when you hate it."

  "Whoa!" Aahz interrupted, holding one flattened hand across the top of the other to form a crude T. "Hold it! Aren't you overlooking something, Jules?"

  "That's ‘Big Julie.' " one of the guards admonished.

  "I don't care if he calls himself the Easter Bunny!" my mentor snarled. "He's still overlooking something."

  "What's that?" Julie asked.

  "Us." Aahz smiled, gesturing to the team. "Aside from the minor detail that Skeeve here's a magician and not that easy to kill, he's got friends. What do you think we'll be doing while you make a try for our leader?"

  The whole team edged forward a little. None of them were smiling, not even Gus. Even though they were my friends who I knew and loved, I had to admit they looked mean. I was suddenly very glad they were on my side.

  Big Julie, on the other hand, seemed unimpressed.

  "As a matter of fact," he smiled, "I expect you to be dying right along with your leader. That is, unless you're really good at running."

  "Running from what?" Gus growled. "I still think you're overlooking something. By my count, we've got you outnumbered. Even if you were armed-"

  The supreme commander cut him short with a laugh. It was a relaxed, confident laugh which no one else joined in on. Then the laugh disappeared, and he leaned forward with a fierce scowl.

  "Now, I'm only gonna say this once, so all'a ya listen close. Big Julie didn't get where he is today by overlooking nothin'. You think I'm outnumbered? Well, maybe you'd just better count again."

  Without taking his eyes from us, he waved his hand in a short, abrupt motion. At the signal, one of his guards pulled a cord and the sides of the tent fell away.

  There were soldiers outside. They hadn't been there when we entered the tent, but they were there now. Hoo boy were they. Ranks and ranks of them completely surrounding the tent, the nearest barely an arm's length away. The front three rows were archers, with arrows nocked and drawn, leveled at our team.

  I realized with a sudden calm clarity that I was about to die. The whole meeting had been a trap, and it was a good one. Good enough that we would all be dead if we so much as twitched. I couldn't even kid myself that I could stop that many arrows if they were all loosed at once. Gus might survive the barrage, and maybe the others could blip away to another dimension in time to save themselves, but I was too far away from Aahz and the D-Hopper to escape.

  "I... um... thought war councils were supposed to be off limits for combat." I said carefully.

  "I also didn't get where I am today by playing fair," Big Julie shrugged.

  "You know," Aahz drawled, "for a guy who doesn't want to fight, you run a pretty nasty war."

  "What can I say?" the supreme commander asked, spreading his hands in helpless appeal. "It's a job. Believe me, if there was any other way, I'd take it. But as it is..."

  His voice trailed off, and he began to raise his arm. I realized with horror that when his hand came down, so would the curtain.

  "How much time do we have to find another way?" I asked desperately.

  "You don't," Big Julie sighed.

  "AND WE DON'T NEED ANY!" Aahz roared with sudden glee.

  All eyes turned toward him, including my own. He was grinning broadly while listening to something the Gremlin was whispering in his ear.

  "What's that supposed to mean?" the supreme commander demanded. "And where did this little blue fella come from? Eh?"

  He glared at the encircling troops, who looked at each other in embarrassed confusion.

  "This is a Gremlin," Aahz informed him, slipping a comradely arm around the shoulders of his confidant, "And I think he's got the answer to our problems. All our problems. You know what I mean?"

  "What does he mean?" Julie scowled at me. "Do you understand what he's sayin'?"

  "Tell him, Aahz," I ordered confidently, wondering all the while what possible solution my mentor could have found to this mess.

  "Big Julie," Aahz smiled, "what could those loan sharks of yours do if you and your army simply disappeared?"

  And so, incredibly, it was ended.

  Not with fireworks or an explosion or a battle. But like a lot of things in my life, in as crazy and off-hand a way as it had started.

  And when it had ended, I almost wished it hadn't. Because then I had to say good-bye to the team. Saying good-bye to the team was harder than I would have imagined. Somehow, in all my planning, I had never stopped to consider the possibility of emerging victorious from the war.

  Despite my original worries about the team, I found I had grown quite close to each of them. I would have liked to keep them around a little longer, but that would have been impossible. Our next stop was the capital, and they would be a little too much to explain away.

  Besides, as Aahz pointed out, it was bad for morale to let the troops find out how much their commander was being paid, particularly when it was extremely disproportionate to their own wages.

  Following his advice, I paid each of them personally. When I was done, however, I found myself strangely at a loss for words. Once again, the team came to my aid.

  "Well, boss," Brockhurst sighed. "I guess this is it. Thanks for everything."

  "It's been a real pleasure working for you," Gus echoed. "The money's nice, but the way I figure it, Berfert and I owe you a little extra for getting us out of that slop chute. Anytime you need a favor, look us up."

  "Youngster," Ajax said, clearing his throat, "I move around a lot, so I'm not that easy to tra
ck. If you ever find yourself in a spot where you think I can lend a hand, jes' send a message to the Bazaar and I'll be along shortly."

  "I didn't think you visited the Bazaar that often," I asked, surprised.

  "Normally I don't," the bowman admitted. "But I will now ... jest in case."

  Tanda was tossing her coin in the air and catching it with practiced ease.

  "I shouldn't take this," she sighed. "But a girl's gotta eat."

  "You earned it," I insisted.

  "Yea, well, I guess we'll be going," she said, beckoning to the others. "Take care of yourself, handsome."

  "You will be coming back?" I asked hurriedly.

  She made a face.

  "I don't think so," she said wryly, "If Grimble saw us together..."

  "I meant, ever," I clarified.

  She brightened immediately.

  "Sure," she winked. "You won't get rid of me that easily. Say good-bye to Aahz for me."

  "Say good-bye to him yourself," Aahz growled, stepping out of the shadows.

  "There you are!" Tanda grinned. "Where's the Gremlin? I thought you two were talking."

  "We were," Aahz confirmed, looking around him. "I don't understand. He was here a minute ago."

  "It's as if he didn't exist, isn't it, Aahz?" I suggested innocently.

  "Now look, kid!" my mentor began angrily.

  A chorus of laughter erupted from the team. He spun in that direction to deliver a scathing reply, but there was a blip of light and they were gone.

  We stood silently together for several moments staring at the vacant space. Then Aahz slipped an arm around my shoulder.

  "They were a good team, kid," he sighed. "Now pull yourself together. Triumphant generals don't have slow leaks in the vicinity of their eyes. It's bad for the image."

  Chapter Twenty-Five:

  "Is everybody happy?"

  -MACHIAVELU

  AAHZ and I entered the capital at the head of a jubilant mob of Possiltum citizens.

  We were practically herded to the front of the palace by the crowd pressing us forward. The cheering was incredible. Flowers and other less identifiable objects were thrown at us or strewn in our path, making the footing uncertain enough that more than once I was afraid of falling and being trampled. The people, at least, seemed thoroughly delighted to see us. All in all, though, our triumphal procession was almost as potentially injurious to our life and limb as the war had been.