Heart Of A Cowboy

by Margaret Daley

  “I’m not. I want us to be a family.”

  “We are a family. You’ll always be our son.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Nicholas frowned, folding his arms over his stomach.

  “I know. Your mother loves you and I do, too.”

  “But you don’t love each other?”

  He wanted to say no, but the word lodged in his throat. He swallowed hard, but the lump was immovable. “I’ll always care about her,” he finally murmured.

  His son’s frown evolved into a scowl. “That’s not…” He pulled his cover up to his shoulder and twisted away. “Oh, never mind.”

  “Good night, son.” Zachary bent forward and kissed him on his side of his head.

  When Zachary descended the stairs a minute later, he found Jordan sitting on the bottom one, her head hanging down, her hands loosely clasped between her legs. He settled beside her. “I told him, or rather I tried to.”

  “I heard.”

  “You listened?”

  She slanted a look at him. “I’ll have to pick up the pieces after you leave. I needed to know what you two talked about.”

  “What a pair we make. Suspicious of each other.”

  “You don’t know Nicholas like I do.”

  He surged to his feet, curling and uncurling his hands. He didn’t like all these emotions flooding him. Life was simpler when he didn’t feel so intensely. “And whose fault is that?” His hurried strides chewed up the distance to the front door. Out on the porch, he paused, tried to compose himself. Couldn’t.

  On the long drive to his ranch his gut kicked like a bucking horse. How was he supposed to forgive Jordan for robbing him of ten years with his child? The only one he’d ever have? He’d missed so much already. Every time he was with Nicholas that was reinforced. And yet, she’d tried to tell him once—thought she’d been rejected by him. What a pair they were!

  When he drove down the gravel road that led to his place, he saw the light in Becca’s kitchen still on. He swerved his truck and parked behind her house. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. She’d been there after his rodeo accident and helped him adjust.

  He knocked on the door, and a few seconds later it was opened by his older sister. He tried to smile a greeting, but it died instantly on his lips.

  “Your dinner at Jordan’s didn’t go well?”

  He shook his head. “Nicholas keeps trying to fix us up.” He trudged into the kitchen and sank into a chair at the table.

  “Ah, that’s cute.”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “Why not? You loved Jordan once.”

  His gut constricted even more. “It’s not that simple.”

  Becca sat across from him. “I feel bad about not saying something directly to you about her calling eleven years ago. If I had, this would be a moot point.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I can understand why you’re angry with her, but you’ve gotta let it go. It will eat you up inside. Color your relationship with your son.”

  “How’s this any different than if we were married and divorced?” He set his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers.

  “It’s isn’t really. Most children want to see their divorced parents back together.”

  “I think Granny is encouraging him to get us together. Actually there is no ‘think’ about it. I know.”

  “Knowing Jordan’s grandmother, you aren’t gonna change her mind. She’s like a pit bull. She isn’t gonna let it go.”

  He rubbed his hands down his face. “I’m gonna have to stay away as much as possible.”

  “How’s that gonna help you get to know your son better?”

  “I thought I’d have Nicholas go camping with us next weekend. Getting away from Tallgrass will be good.”

  “You mean running away. Your problems won’t disappear. Face them. As a teenager, you had deep feelings for Jordan.”

  Zachary pushed to his feet. “Yeah, a long time ago. Not now. The best we can be is friends for Nicholas’s sake.” If he said it enough, he would come to believe it.

  He strode from his sister’s place and headed toward his own. Answers still eluded him like the grand prize now in a rodeo competition. When he pulled up in front, he stared at his dark house. Once he’d dreamed of having a home full of children, a loving relationship—with Jordan. Then when that blew up in his face, he slowly rebuilt his dream with Audrey, who had left him because he couldn’t be the father of the children she’d wanted. There wouldn’t be a third time.

  At least I have one son. Thank You, Lord, for that.

  Early before dawn the next morning after Zachary had called Jordan, Nicholas rushed into the barn. “Has Buttercup had the foal yet?”

  With his hands clasped, his forearms on the stall door, Zachary peered toward Nicholas and her coming toward him. “Nope. But she’s getting close.”

  “Can I see? Can I see?” Nicholas hopped up and down.

  Zachary passed Jordan going to the tack room. “I’ll be right back.”

  After the evening she and Zachary had, the timing of the birth of the foal wasn’t good. During the middle of her sleepless night, she’d come to a decision. If being his friend was the only relationship she could have with Zachary, she would try to make it work. Which meant she had to tamp down her feelings for him. He’d broken her heart once before. She rubbed her hand over her chest. She was afraid that it was too late this time, as well. It hurt to be in love with a man who didn’t feel the same.

  “Here, son, use this.” Zachary put a stool in front of the stall door.

  “Can’t we go inside?”

  “I don’t like to unless there’s a problem.”

  Zachary stood on the left side of Nicholas while she took up her post on the right.

  Nicholas squealed. “Look. I see a leg.”

  Seeing the joy and wonder on her son’s face made the uncomfortable feeling okay. She would do anything for Nicholas.

  “If you decide to be a vet, you could work with large animals. There are plenty of ranches around here.” Zachary’s gaze slipped from their son to Jordan. The tired lines about Zachary’s eyes underscored his sleepless night, too.

  Groans from the mare filled the air. Jordan thought about when she’d had Nicholas, alone because he was a few weeks early. Zachary had been on the other side of the world, oblivious to the fact he was becoming a father. As though he were thinking the same thing, his lips disappeared beneath his tight expression. He turned away, keeping his full attention on the drama occurring in the stall.

  “Guys, the head is out.” Nicholas pointed at the dark, wet foal.

  The mare strained, her stomach rising and falling. Buttercup struggled to her feet, twirled around, then plopped down on the hay-covered floor.

  Nicholas’s eyes grew huge. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s doing fine. The foal’s coming out the right way. Sometimes the mama gets a little restless, impatient.”

  Like a lot of mamas around the world. But she kept that to herself, not wanting to remind Zachary he hadn’t been at his son’s birth.

  When the baby came completely out, Nicholas jumped up and down, clapping his hands. “This cinches it. I want to be a vet. I’m going to have to really get into science now. When we get home today, let’s work on that first.”

  “First, we’re going over your essay. Then we can do science. Your anatomy class with Dr. Reynolds should be helpful.”

  “We’re studying the heart and its function right now. I already knew quite a bit because of my problem. I’ve read a lot about it.”

  Jordan captured Zachary’s look, trying to gauge his reaction to his son’s words. His closed expression told her nothing of what was going on inside him until his jaw twitched.

  “I thought this next weekend you could go camping with me and Aunt Becca’s family. Would you be interested, Nicholas?”

  Her son whirled around on the stool, nearly toppling over. After stead
ying himself, he radiated his joy. “I’ve always wanted to go camping. When?”

  “We’ll leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday evening.”

  “Mom?”

  She wished she’d had some warning about this. Biting down on the inside of her mouth, she kept the first words that came to mind inside. After last night she didn’t need any more tension between her and Zachary. “That sounds fine to me,” she finally said when her son gave her a quizzical look.

  “Mom, you should go, too. We’ve never been camping.”

  With the bugs and snakes? Her idea of roughing it was a two-star hotel. “I don’t know.”

  “Please. It will be fun.”

  It is if you like to get dirty and sleep on the ground. She peered at Zachary, who remained stony quiet. When she swept her attention back to Nicholas, he studied them, his expression hovering somewhere between a grin and a frown. “I’ll have to think about it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go, hon.”

  The foal finally made it to its wobbly legs while Buttercup licked the baby. When it started nursing, Nicholas hopped down. “Can I go in now?”

  “Sure, but don’t interfere with the foal nursing.” Zachary opened the stall door.

  “I won’t. I know how important it is for the mama and baby to bond.”

  Nicholas moved in slow motion inside, his eyes as round as wagon wheels while he took everything in. He began talking softly to the two animals. The mother’s ears cocked toward him.

  Zachary’s hand clamped around hers, and he tugged her back toward the middle of the barn. “You can come if you want, but unless you’ve made an about-face on the idea of camping, you’d be miserable.”

  “Is that why you planned the outing? To exclude me?”

  “No, I just want to get to know my son. I’m having to make up for lost time. When he talks about his heart defect, he’s so matter-of-fact, but it couldn’t have been easy. I wish I could have been there for him, held his hand, let him know I loved him.”

  Tears gathered in her eyes. “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

  “That’s what the Lord wants.” He dropped his hand away from hers—sadness shadowing his eyes. “I’m really trying, Jordan, to do what’s right.”

  But he hadn’t forgiven her yet. He’d all but said that. His unspoken intent hurt more than she wanted to acknowledge. She saw out of the corner of her eye Nicholas watching them. She stepped closer, Zachary’s male scent vying with the odors of the barn—horse, hay, dust. Tilting her chin, she averted her head so her son couldn’t see her expression. “So am I, Zachary.” She sucked in a stabilizing breath. “And I haven’t changed that much. I’m still not gung-ho about camping.”

  “Well, that’s reassuring. Not everything has changed.” He strode toward Nicholas.

  “Child, what are you doing here? You should be getting ready to go camping with Nicholas and Zachary.” Granny shuffled into the kitchen not a half an hour after dawn peeked over the horizon on Saturday morning.

  Jordan nursed a large cup of strong coffee. She hadn’t slept a wink last night. Each time she’d started to nod off, visions of her lying on the ground with bugs and spiders and snakes crawling all over her intruded. The picture destroyed her peace.

  “I’m not wanted,” she said in a self-pitying tone that even made her hunch her shoulders.

  “Oh, my, you’ve got it bad. You’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself. If you want the young man, you need to get up and do something about it. Sitting here moping won’t change the circumstances.” Granny eased down beside her and took her hand. “When you were a teenager, you still had a—” she thought for a few seconds “—a lot of growing up to do. You were used to getting your way, especially with Zachary. You thought you could go away for a couple of years and come back here after you’d done what you wanted and pick right up where you two left off.”

  “No, I didn’t….” Yes, secretly she had thought that. She’d wanted to go away to see what was out there and art school in Savannah gave her the means. She’d been eighteen and not ready to settle down even in a year like Zachary had thought. “Okay, maybe I did.”

  “But Zachary didn’t stay here waiting for you. And when you found that out, you were hurt and angry. Then Nicholas had problems, and you had your hands full. You grew up fast. You aren’t that same young girl, and Zachary isn’t that same young man. Get out there and get to know him in his element. Go camping. Your son asked you again before he left to go spend the night at the ranch. Give you three a chance.”

  Jordan pulled her hand free and wrapped her fingers around the warm mug, drawing in the fragrance of the coffee. The best smell in the world. “I’m not the one who’s fighting us being together as a family.”

  “Do you blame Zachary? You can be so stubborn at times.” Her grandmother snorted unladylike. “To paraphrase the words of one of my favorite Gene Pitney songs, ‘only love has the power to fix a broken heart.’ Give him a reason to fall in love with you again.”

  “But he doesn’t trust me.”

  “When he does love you, his trust will come.” Granny struggled to her feet, steadied herself by gripping the table’s edge. “I took the liberty of borrowing Doug’s sleeping bag and small pup tent. In the hallway by the front door. Now get before they leave without you.”

  Her grandmother was right. She would have to fight for Zachary’s love. She’d learned to fight when Nicholas got so sick. Jumping up, she kissed Granny on the cheek and hurried toward her bedroom.

  Zachary leaned against the fence of his largest corral and watched Nicholas, on the back of Chief, gallop to one end, round the barrel and race back to the other one making a figure eight. His son was improving every day.

  Nicholas trotted to him. “I did it.”

  When he held his hand up, Zachary gave him a high five. “Let’s try it one more time before we leave for Prairie Lake.”

  “May I take my rope with us? I’d like to practice while we’re camping.”

  “Sounds good to me. The HHH Junior Rodeo is only a few weeks away. Practice is the key to getting better.”

  “Maybe I’ll rope a bear.”

  Zachary laughed. “I hope not. But maybe a tree stump.”

  Nicholas maneuvered his horse around so he could start the run again. He nudged the gelding.

  As his son shot forward, the sound of a car pulling up drifted to Zachary. He glanced sideways and tensed. What was Jordan doing here? Turning back toward Nicholas, he prepared himself for a confrontation over the fact their son was racing around a set of barrels.

  He heard her approach. The hairs on his nape stood up. He stiffened as he pushed off, his fingers grasping the wooden slat. She stopped right behind him on the other side. A fence between them. A past between them—a past he kept dredging up.

  Nicholas finished his figure eight. “Hi, Mom. What are you doing here?”

  “I decided to take your father’s invitation up and come camping with you all.”

  Zachary strode to the gate and opened it for Nicholas to leave the corral.

  “That’s great!” His son loped toward the entrance to the barn and dismounted.

  “Is the invitation still open?” Jordan came up to Zachary as he latched the gate.

  No, I didn’t mean it. I need to stay away from you. You’re too tempting. Zachary pivoted and faced her, forcing a smile to his lips. “Sure. You do understand we’ll be outdoors with everything you get squeamish about?”

  “If Nicholas enjoys it, I want to be able to share it with him.”

  “Suit yourself. You were warned.”

  Her eyes became round, her eyebrows raised. “It’s just a few bugs.”

  “Yeah, just a few,” he murmured and started for the barn.

  She hurried after him. “Nicholas is riding well.”

  “Yes. I told you I wouldn’t have him do anything he’s not ready for. You need to trust me on that.”

  She grasped his arm and stopped him. When he glanced back at
her, she asked, “Is that a two-way street?”

  Trust didn’t come easily to him anymore, partially because of this woman who moved to stand in front of him.

  “Zachary, I know you have a good reason to be leery of me, but we both have our son’s well-being in mind.”

  “So I should trust you, no questions asked, because of Nicholas?”

  She lifted her chin. “Yes.”

  He shook free. “We need to meet Becca at her house in twenty minutes.”

  He continued his path toward Nicholas cooling down his gelding. It’s gonna be a long weekend, trying to avoid Jordan. I thought I could be friends with her and not care beyond that. But I don’t think that’s possible.

  Jordan plopped down on a fallen log by a stream that fed into Prairie Lake, not far from their campsite. If she didn’t know better, she was sure that Zachary picked the most primitive area for them to set up camp. And then on top of that, he’d insisted she put up her own tent as the others were doing. She had—or at least she thought it would stay up even if it did lean a little to the left.

  She wouldn’t say a word. She was determined to do this with a smile on her face.

  A whiff of grilled hamburgers wafted to her. Her stomach rumbled. She rose and gathered up her bundle of firewood and headed toward the sound of voices through the trees.

  “I caught a fish today.” Nicholas ran over to her and held up his hands to indicate a foot. “I threw it back, but I enjoyed fishing. Dad said tomorrow we can go early in the morning and will probably catch a lot more.”

  “That’s great, hon. I hope this will be enough wood.” Jordan dumped her armful onto the pile not far from the fire pit.

  “So long as we have a big enough fire to last the whole night, we should be fine.” Zachary clamped his lips together.

  “Fine? What do you mean? It shouldn’t get too cold with our sleeping bags.” Jordan dusted off her jeans.

  “I’m not talking about the cold. It’s for the bears, bobcats and coyotes.”

  “Bears? Bobcats…” Her voice faded as a twinkle danced in Zachary’s eyes. She punched him in the arm. “Funny. So what’s the fire really for?”