Heart Of A Cowboy

by Margaret Daley

  A pressure in her chest expanded to encompass her whole body. She stared at her son and tried to come up with an answer to his question that didn’t expose her fears. She couldn’t. “I’m afraid of losing you.” I’m afraid I’ll be alone.

  “To Dad?”

  Tears lumping in her throat, she nodded. She’d centered her life around him for so long she didn’t know what she would do if something happened to Nicholas. That one time waiting for him to come out of surgery had given her a glimpse of the fear that gripped her in a stranglehold. How do I turn that over to You, Father?

  Nicholas leaped up, raced across the room and threw his arms around her. “You aren’t going to lose me. I love you, but I love Dad, too. Can’t I love both of you?”

  She buried her face in his hair. “Yes. I haven’t had to share you for ten years. Give me some time to get used to the idea.”

  “Sure.” He leaned back, still clasping her. “But I want to learn about the rodeo. I already have a thesis statement.”

  The excitement in her son’s voice wiped away her concerns. She’d never heard him so eager to write a paper. She had to trust in the Lord. “What happened to your father that last rodeo?”

  “Have him tell you. I always believe in going to the primary source, so ask him.”

  “I will. I need to understand, too.” She ruffled his hair. “So you’ve already got a thesis statement. This is a first.”

  Grinning from ear to ear, he moved back to the computer and brought up a blank screen. “Yes, but I want to do a lot more research. But the idea of a cowboy is disappearing and I think the rodeo is one of the last bastions of the cowboy ideal. Rugged. Fearless. Skilled.”

  Jordan swallowed several times. These thoughts hadn’t just formulated in the past fifteen minutes. Nicholas had been thinking about it for a while. “Let me know when you’re through with your research. We’ll work on the rough draft together.”

  “I’d like to write the rough draft by myself first before we work together.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave you to write.”

  Jordan left her son’s bedroom and headed downstairs to the kitchen where she had her laptop. She would do her own online search of Zachary’s name and see what video clips were posted. When she’d told Nicholas she needed to understand, she’d meant that. What had made Zachary get on the back of a two-thousand-pound bull? Take risks in his professional life but not his personal one?

  “Mom, what are you doing here? I was coming up to Becca’s in half an hour.” Zachary moved out of the way to allow his mother into his house.

  “I thought we would talk a few minutes before the barbecue. Before Nicholas and—” she tensed, her mouth firming in such a thin line her lips vanished.

  “—Jordan arrive. I think it’s about time we talk, too.”

  “You do? You’ve been avoiding me all week.”

  He rubbed his nape. “I know. I haven’t figured out how I feel about anything. Everything has happened so fast these past weeks.”

  His mother strode into the living room and took a seat on the couch. “But we need to talk about what I did all those years ago. Avoiding the subject won’t make it go away.”

  Restless energy surged through him. He remained standing. “Why didn’t you tell me about Jordan’s calls? I know you said you were protecting me….” His words trailed into the silence. Were his mother and Jordan alike—protecting their sons?

  “Ever since she came to see me last Monday, I’ve—”

  “Wait, you talked with Jordan on Monday?”

  “Yeah, she came to tell me she’d forgiven me. Can you believe that? She forgives me while she’s the one who kept the fact you had a son from us.”

  “She did,” he murmured, sinking onto the chair nearby, the spike of energy suddenly siphoning from him.

  “I told her how I felt.”

  “How?”

  “I’m angry like you. We missed ten years of Nicholas’s life. Ten!”

  But I’m not angry anymore. That realization settled over him, calming his restless spirit. “She had her hands full with Nicholas’s illness and raising him alone.”

  “That was her choice.”

  “True. But she was hurt when I didn’t call. She thought I didn’t want to have anything to do with her. You told her I was engaged when I wasn’t.”

  “Are you defending her?” Anger sparked his mother’s eyes and deepened the lines on her face.

  “I’m trying to understand her. I’m trying to make this situation with Nicholas work.”

  “She did you wrong. Stay away from her.”

  Zachary bolted to his feet and paced. “I can’t. I have to think about Nicholas now.” Pausing, he rotated toward his mother. “Why didn’t you tell me she called?”

  “I told you I was protecting you. She hurt you bad. I still remember how you were after you two broke up. You needed to get on with your life without her.”

  The similarities hit him full force. So like Jordan with Nicholas. “I needed to know I was having a child.” His hands balled at his sides. So many emotions swirled around inside him like a dust storm on the prairie.

  “I did what any mother would do. Looking out for the best interests of her child, no matter what.”

  “Including lying?”

  Her face pale, she stared down at her hands twining in her lap. “I wouldn’t have kept anything like Nicholas from you if I had known.” When she lifted her head, tears shone in her eyes. “I would have done it differently. Given you the messages. But she didn’t tell me.”

  His mother’s words cut through his heart like a piece of barbed wire. He had enough turmoil in his life without adding conflict with his mother to the list. “Let’s just drop this. It’s in the past. We can’t change it now.”

  She rose. “I agree.”

  “But I need you to be civil to Jordan at the barbecue for Nicholas’s sake.”

  “I’ll do my best. But why does she have to come to a family dinner?”

  “Because she’s my child’s mother. Becca and her have become friends. And Nicholas wants her there.”

  She tilted her head and pinned her gaze on him. “But not you?”

  “I want her there for all those reasons.” He evaded what his mother really wanted to know because he didn’t have an answer. Ever since Jordan had returned to Tallgrass, his emotions had been bound in knots—ones he couldn’t slip loose easily.

  “I’m gonna miss Grandma and Granddad when they return to Arizona in a couple of days.” Nicholas squirmed in the front seat of Jordan’s Camaro the closer they got to the ranch.

  “I’m glad you’re enjoying their visit.” But thinking about her talk with Zachary’s mother made her tighten her hands about the steering wheel.

  Jordan pulled into the gravel road that led to Becca’s house. The closer she came, the more her stomach constricted and roiled. She wished she had her son’s excitement about this barbecue.

  When she parked in front, Nicholas leaped from the car, raced toward the porch and disappeared inside. The sound of voices, a laugh, floated to her. This was Nicholas’s family. Not hers. She should have stayed home. And yet, she and Zachary needed to do things without Nicholas—get to know each other as adults. Maybe she should ask him to go on a picnic like they had as teenagers.

  But first she had to get through the barbecue with his mother.

  Dropping her head on the steering wheel, she closed her eyes and prayed for strength and patience to get through this afternoon. I can do this. Then she remembered Mrs. Rutgers’s words and the chill that emanated from the woman when she’d talked with her in the kitchen the other day. The chill enveloped her as she sat in the front seat.

  A rap on her window startled her. She twisted around. Zachary’s handsome face filled her vision. The ice that encased her melted away.

  He opened the door. “Are you okay?”

  The concern in his voice soothed some of her tension. I can do this for Nicholas. She relaxed and smiled. �
�Just working myself up to see your mother again.”

  “Ah.” He straightened. “She’ll behave herself. She promised me.”

  “I wish you hadn’t had to ask.” She climbed from the car.

  “Me, too. But I imagine you can understand her feelings since you’re a mother.”

  Jordan started for the house, hoping the next few hours sped by in a blur. When she neared the porch, laughter wafted to her from inside. She slanted a look toward Zachary next to her. “Does Becca need help in the kitchen?”

  He chuckled. “A strategic escape. Not bad. I’m sure she would enjoy your company.”

  When she entered, she said hi to everyone then made her way toward the kitchen. At the door she peered back at Zachary’s mom, who nailed her with a sharp gaze. What was the woman thinking? She shouldn’t have accepted the invitation.

  “I’m so glad you came, Jordan.” With her hands full, Becca shut the refrigerator with a push of her hip. “I could use you to put the potato salad together. The potatoes are cooked, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.”

  “I’d be glad to.”

  “It’ll beat playing soccer.” Becca gave her a knife and cutting board.

  “Soccer?”

  “Yeah, Zachary and Paul thought it be would a great idea to have an impromptu game. Of course, they didn’t take into account I don’t play and neither does Mom. I hurried in here to finish making the dinner and left them to pick teams.”

  “So your mom is going to join us?”

  Chuckling, Becca shook her head. “Dad and Mom are gonna be cheerleaders.”

  “Nicholas doesn’t know how to play.” Jordan began dicing the potatoes.

  “My youngest doesn’t, either. Nicholas will learn. Zachary is a great teacher.”

  “Speaking of teaching, how do you homeschool three children? I feel like I’m in over my head half the time. I’ve been doing it a month, and I don’t know if I’m doing it the right way.”

  “There’s no one right way. What you do will depend on your child and how he learns. In Nicholas’s case, he loves to learn. A lot of what he does will be self-directed whereas with Mike I have to be on top of him every step of the way. For Nicholas, you’ll have to make sure he covers all he needs and doesn’t get stuck on one subject. I know he’s great with math, and from what Zachary has said, he doesn’t like to write. You’ll have to make sure he does it.”

  Jordan took the boiled eggs and began chopping them to add to the large mixing bowl. “Yeah, I’ve been doing that. He whines when I make him write, even using the computer. With everything else he doesn’t give me any problems.”

  “When it doesn’t come easy or they don’t like it, they balk at doing it. You should see Ashley with math. She hates it. There are times I’ve lost my patience with her, and I don’t like doing that. Frustrating.” Taking a wooden spoon, Becca stirred the brownie mixture.

  “I know what you mean. He’s so smart, but he gets frustrated with himself when he starts putting his thoughts down on paper.” After adding the pickled relish, Jordan sliced a red onion. “Except with this newest writing project. He’s really gotten into it.”

  “What’s it about?”

  “An expository essay about the rodeo. He told me he was almost through with the rough draft. I’ve seen some of it. It’s the best writing he’s ever done.”

  “That’s my brother’s influence.”

  Jordan cocked her head, thinking back over the past weeks and the changes she’d seen in Nicholas. “Yes, it is. Until Zachary, I didn’t realize how much my son needed a father. It’s always been just the two of us and that has seemed fine. But it wasn’t really.”

  After pouring the chocolate batter into an oblong pan, Becca stuck it into the oven. “Kids do best when they have a stable environment with two loving parents.”

  Jordan paused in cutting up the onion, her eyes watering from its strong odor. If only she had swallowed her pride and hurt years ago, Nicholas could have had that kind of environment. Lord, I’ve been so wrong. How do I fix this?

  “You okay?”

  She brushed her hand across her wet cheek. “It’s the onion.” It’s me. I messed up.

  The chatter from the living room died down. The bang of the front door—more than once—echoed through the house.

  “I guess they decided on their teams. Want to go be a cheerleader?” Becca laid the dish rag she’d used to clean the counter into the sink.

  After scraping the onion pieces into the bowl, Jordan started on the celery. “I’m almost finished. You go ahead. If we arrive together, they’ll want us to be on a team.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right, except I doubt any of them would want me.” Becca patted her stomach. “I’ve really got to start exercising.” Before she left, she added, “Jordan, you’re doing fine. A lot of homeschooling moms ask the questions you are. Am I providing the best education? Am I missing anything? As you’ve been discovering, the Helping Hands Homeschooling group is a great place to get support and help. You aren’t alone in doing this.”

  Jordan sighed as Becca strolled from the kitchen toward the front of the house. She felt confident in her work as a graphic design artist and even felt good about the job she’d done raising Nicholas to be a responsible young man. But she still wrestled with what was best educationally for her son. It was a comfort to know that other parents went through the same dilemma.

  After putting all the ingredients for the potato salad in the bowl, Jordan stirred them together then put the dish into the refrigerator. The scent of chocolate permeated the air and made her stomach gurgle with hunger. She took a few moments to clean up, trying to delay going outside as long as possible, but when Zachary appeared in the entrance, she knew she couldn’t any longer.

  “I came in to make sure you hadn’t gotten lost finding your way outside.” He rested his shoulder against the door frame.

  “No,” she said with a laugh. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “We kinda need you now.”

  “Why?” She turned to face him fully, the mischievous sparkle in his eyes accelerating her heartbeat.

  “Paul talked Becca into playing. We need another player to even out the teams. Mom and Dad are even participating.”

  Placing her hand on her hip, she gave him a pout. “You know how I am when it comes to sports.”

  “I know how you used to be. I’m not sure now.” The gleam in his expression brightened.

  “Well, let me reassure you, I’m lousy at anything having to do with a ball. And if I’m not mistaken soccer has one.”

  Zachary closed the distance between them and grabbed her hand. “Come on. It’s about time you got over your fear of being hit with a ball.”

  “Hey, I’ve been hit with one and let me tell you it hurts.” As he urged her toward the front door, she tried to frown, but her mouth refused to cooperate. “How in the world did Paul talk Becca into playing?”

  “I’m not one hundred percent positive, but I think it was something about if my mother could do it, she could, too.”

  As Zachary dragged her laughing out of the house, Jordan decided playing a game of soccer could be fun—that was until she saw Zachary’s mother. Her scowl darkened her eyes, and the older woman turned away. Jordan didn’t know what would be worse, being on the same team as Mrs. Rutgers or the opposite one.

  Later that day, the scent of hamburgers grilling saturated the fall air. A crisp breeze cooled the evening. A door shutting drew Zachary around. Jordan crossed the yard with a large platter.

  “Becca said to put the burgers on this when they’re done.” She placed it on a table near the barbecue grill and turned to leave.

  He didn’t want her to go. He hadn’t talked to her much since the soccer game earlier. “Stay. Keep me company. You’ve been awfully quiet. That’s not like you.”

  “It’s been a bit awkward.”

  “Because of Mom?”

  “You are perceptive.”

  “Ouch
. I think I hear a touch of sarcasm.” He began flipping over the thick patties. “Mom hasn’t said anything to you.”

  “No. But…” She snapped her mouth closed and averted her gaze.

  “But what?”

  “It’s obvious I’m not wanted here and that makes it uncomfortable. If we’d been playing football, I think she would have tackled me, and I was on her team.”

  “Give her time.”

  “You aren’t the least bit angry at her for not telling you I called?”

  Zachary set the spatula on the platter and faced Jordan. “I’m not happy it happened, but she thought she was doing what was best for me.”

  She started to say something, shook her head and turned away. Walking to the edge of the patio, she stared at the horses in the pasture behind Becca’s house. A strong urge to hold her and take away the hurt he’d seen flash into her eyes overwhelmed him. He stiffened, resisting Jordan’s lure.

  When she spun around, a neutral expression descended over her features. “Are you still mad at me?”

  Was he? “No, not really. For Nicholas’s sake, I let go of my anger. It doesn’t do any good now, and like we talked about before, we need to be a team for our son.”

  “Then I have a proposition for you. I think we should spend some time together alone getting to know each other better to see if we can find a common ground.”

  “You want us to date?” The idea should have sent him into a panic. Surprisingly it made sense.

  “No. Just two people getting to know each other better. For Nicholas’s sake.”

  “Sure. Do you have something in mind?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do. How about next Friday afternoon? We’ll have a picnic lunch. My treat.”

  “Hey, Zachary, the burgers are smoking,” Becca yelled from the back door stoop.

  He whirled around, snatched up the spatula and scooped up the patties before they became charred. Jordan had always had the ability of taking his mind off what he should be doing. What in the world had he agreed to?

  “I want everything to be perfect today.” Jordan finished packing the picnic basket with a container of peach cobbler on Friday.