Finding Love

by Callie Stone

  I love you,

  Jimmy

  P.S. I will call or text when I get where I’m going and situated. If you don’t want to talk I understand.

  I read the note several times through blurry vision. Tears constantly running down my face. It hasn’t been one whole day yet and I’m a wreck. I miss him so much. Not hearing his voice today has made this all even harder. I know his heart is broken too, and even though I want to call him or at the very least text him, I know I need to wait until he is ready.

  I spend the night thinking maybe I made a mistake. I pick up the phone several times to tell him exactly that but back out each time. I can’t let my emotions make decisions for me. I didn’t get any sleep that night as I cried nonstop. The tears never wanting to cease. The pain was constantly pulsing through my body. Did I finally find the one and let him go because of my fear that my past will repeat itself?

  It was a month before Jimmy finally sent me a text. I had started to believe he didn’t ever want to talk to me again but refused to message him first. I needed him to be ready to talk to me. We still messaged a lot, but it wasn’t as easy going as it used to be. I knew he was still hurting and of course, I was too. Three months after he moved he called me for the first time since he left. He was getting deployed. The conversation was short because he had a lot of long days training and getting his gear together. The news, though we were not together anymore, killed me. I was so worried something bad would happen to him. Our conversation ended with us each telling the other we loved them and that was the last time I talked to him. I heard from his friend that comes to my work that he came back but not for long. Jimmy threw himself into work when he left the first time and after being back for only a couple months he volunteered to go back again.

  Jimmy was a hard one to get over. It took me a year before I even entertained the idea of being with a man again. I still wore his ring every day to remember him, but I wore it on the right hand instead. Some days I regret not saying yes to him but other days I feel like it was the right thing to do.

  I will never forget Jimmy. I fell in love with a great man, but it was the wrong time in my life. Jimmy had a piece of my heart, always. But Danny still had a majority of my heart. I ached for Jimmy a lot after he left, but I was still in constant pain for Danny. Do you ever get over your first true love?

  Chapter Nine

  Last but not least, we have Matt. I just ended it with him about four months ago. Matt is a car salesman and honestly, we didn’t even date, he was my fuck buddy for about a year. I met Matt at a party I was invited to by one of the ladies I met while working. It was just a bunch of people getting together and hanging out and it sounded like something I needed. To just let loose and have a good time. I was introduced to Matt and we instantly hit it off. We talked the whole night and decided to see each other again. Only something didn’t feel right with him. It didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t really interested in a relationship per say. At least not the traditional relationship. We liked spending time together, but we hardly ever left his house. He never came to mine. We went out to the movies one time, but no dinners or any other things.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about this type of relationship. Yeah, I’ve had one-night stands, but I’ve never had a fuck buddy before. I was hesitant at first, unsure but eventually said screw it. Maybe this was the type of relationship I needed. Can’t have a broken heart this way. The only thing I had to worry about is if he was screwing someone else too. Which I was reassured quickly that he wasn’t.

  I saw Matt two to three times a week. I’d go over, we’d watch a movie and then have sex. After lying in bed for an hour afterward I’d get up, get dressed then go home. It was a simple straightforward relationship. One I didn’t have to think about too much and took very little energy to maintain. We had a good schedule going and stuck to it unless one of us felt froggy and needed to get laid. Who would have thought sex could release tension and stress from a busy day at work?

  Everything was good with Matt. All except his unusual disappearances. Every now and then he would disappear for a weekend. He wouldn’t even answer his phone. This is something that shouldn’t have bothered me and probably wouldn’t have if he used common courtesy and would let me know when he was leaving. Then I wouldn’t show up at his house on a usual day to find he’s gone.

  I asked him a few different times where he went, he would never answer me. Always being vague about it. One time he told me he visited his mother. Which made me think why the hell he couldn’t answer the phone or let me know that he was leaving. It never set well with me.

  My mind started coming up with different things that Matt could be doing. One was that he was married and maybe she lived somewhere else and he went one to two times a month to see her and spend time with her. But I felt it weird that she never came to his house. What kind of marriage was he in?

  The other thing was maybe he’s doing something illegal. Moving drugs or something. I know this was a crazy thought, but I couldn’t help but think the worst. I mean, what could it be that he couldn’t tell me. It just didn’t make sense.

  I ignored it for a long time. Just tried dealing with it and moving on with my days. But it always sat at the back of my mind. Who was I really dealing with? What was I possibly associating myself with? Who has secrets like that?

  I slowly began distancing myself from him. I still showed up at least once a week, because hey a girl needs to get laid, but I avoided going as much as possible. We almost made it a year until four months ago.

  I don’t know what possessed him, what made him ask me this because it was way out of left field.

  Matt called me out of the blue and asked me to come over. It had been a week, so I said why not. After getting there I realized Matt was a little drunk. Walking through the door he was all over me. No hello, how are you doing? I was practically attacked. But I didn’t mind much, just meant I didn’t have to stay long. As we made it back to his room he starts to strip and, in the process, asks me something that made me pause.

  “Do you want to date?” he slurs out.

  “Huh?”

  “Do you want to date, or do you want to keep it how it is now?”

  “Um. I have no idea. Why?” I’m confused as shit and don’t know what’s going on.

  “Well, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. You know a lot about me. You even know about my weekends away and don’t bug me about them or ask too many questions. So, I wanted to know if you wanted something more?” Matt is stumbling around as he’s talking.

  I pause. I doubt Matt will remember any of this in the morning. I have no idea what came over him. Why now would he want a relationship? Did he need to feel me out first and see how I would react to his weekends? And I don’t ask too much about his time away because I already figured out he wouldn’t tell me so why waste my breath. But what he got wrong is the part where it doesn’t bug me. I couldn’t date him without knowing what was happening. That would be a deal breaker.

  Not knowing what to say in response I stare into his eyes and shrug my shoulders. Pretty lame I know, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to ruin the night by saying the wrong thing. At the time, I realize I was worried about answering wrong and figured not responding was the best thing to do. We continued with our night, had sex and I went home.

  That was the last night I saw Matt. He sent me a text one time after that night trying to convince me to come over and I ignored him. Feeling it best to just cut ties now instead of trying to get in deep. His idea of a relationship was far from mine. I needed more than he was willing to provide which simply didn’t work for me.

  Chapter Ten

  There you have it. Some of my attempts at dating. One not so bad, some worse and some not even worth mentioning. I get chills when I think about those. Now, most people would be over someone from years ago, maybe I’m weird, or hopeless, but I still can’t get over Danny. He was always a constant thought in my head. A consta
nt ache even when I thought I was falling for Adam and when I did fall for Jimmy. Like I said, I believe Danny is my soul mate. Can you have more than one? Probably so. Obviously, the world doesn’t always work out the way it should. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with Danny, but I also hate all this time that I haven’t spent with him. I know you’re probably wondering why I never tried contacting him after my divorce. I wanted to, but every time I thought about it, his words came back into my head, “There could be no more us.” I know what we did hurt his career in the Army and even though it takes two to tango, I can’t expect him to forgive me for what happened. I still wish some days that we ended up together, but I’ve learned to hope he’s at least happy wherever he is.

  This week has been a roller coaster ride and I can’t seem to get off. I finally got to see Danny a week ago. And let’s just say it ripped my heart out. Maybe worse than the first time. Why do I always feel like my heart is getting stomped on when it comes to him?

  I was walking around the mall for no real reason except to get out the house. I stopped to get a salted pretzel and I heard someone call my name from behind. After paying I turn around and come face to face with Danny. But not just him. He had a female with him and from a quick look down I realize very quickly that she’s his wife. Upon further examination, I notice she’s also pregnant, six or seven months maybe. I instantly lose my appetite, but I try to put on a happy face and act like nothing is bothering me.

  “Hey Danny, how have you been?” I want nothing more than to hug him, feel him against me again, but I don’t dare move.

  “Doing good. This is my wife Lydia,” he says directed towards me. Turning to his wife he says, “This is Addy. I was friends with her husband, Troy, back when I was stationed here.”

  “Oh okay,” Lydia says turning towards me, “Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too.” Not really, but I obviously can’t say that out loud.

  “So how is Troy doing?” Danny asks before taking a gulp of a drink.

  “Oh, you know … gay,” I say this nonchalantly like it doesn’t bother me, but it obviously bothered Danny as he spits his drink out. Thankfully he missed me.

  After coughing a few times, he looks up at me. “What?” He’s shocked.

  “Yeah, we moved, and our marriage started becoming rough. Then one day I came home and found him watching gay porn. The funny thing is…” I pause, and fake laugh a little because it’s really not funny at all. “The whole time we were married, he had a boyfriend.”

  Danny’s eyes grow big and I can see pain and pity in them. I don’t know if the pain is from Troy ruining our relationship or for what I had to deal with. The pity I see kind of pisses me off. I don’t need anyone to pity me. I’m sure I’ll be the topic of discussion for him and his wife the rest of the day. “You’re shitting me, right?”

  “Nope, not joking at all. He said he couldn’t come out while being in the Army. So basically, he married me but was screwing his boyfriend instead. Pretty fucked up wouldn’t you say. Especially after all the shit he put me through.” I raise my eyebrows at him hoping to signal that I mean what happened to us.

  Looking over at Lydia, I see she’s also shocked by my admission. Thankfully she keeps quiet, I honestly don’t want to have to play nice. I just want to end this conversation, throw my pretzel away and go home.

  “I’m so sorry that happened,” Danny says frowning at me. “How have you been since you left him?” He seems really concerned. Maybe he still thinks of me like I do him. Maybe he still has that ache, the one that never seems to go away. Or maybe he is over me, he is married after all.

  “I haven’t been doing too bad. Came home here, got a job and that’s about it. I see you’re doing good. Went and got hitched. Is this going to be your first kid?” I don’t know why I asked that. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to think about his perfect life when I get home and wallow in self-pity.

  “Yeah, we are doing great. Been married three years. First one on the way and it’s a boy,” he says as he beams that smile I miss so much.

  “Oh, that’s awesome. Someone you can play sports with. Congratulations.” My heart feels like it’s in pieces. I seemed to be holding myself together until this point. I can feel my blood pressure start to rise and I think I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I need to get the hell away from these people, so I can die alone.

  “Have you remarried?”

  Ugh. Why does he even care? Does he really want to know all about my pitiful life? Damn. “No, I haven’t. Came close once just over a year ago but Troy really messed me up. Not to mention I think deep down I was hoping I would still have a chance with an old boyfriend. But I’ve recently found out that isn’t possible, so time to move on.” I try to smile, but I’m sure it looks fake. I hope I’m not giving it away to his wife. I’m not sure how Lydia would feel knowing we used to date. He obviously doesn’t want her to know since he claimed to be friends with Troy.

  “Well, that sucks.” Danny gives me a sad smile. “I guess I’ll let you get back to your day. It was good seeing you and I’m sorry about everything that happened.”

  “Life will go on, right? It was good seeing you too and nice to meet you, Lydia. I hope y’all have a good day.” I smile the best I can, give a small wave and turned the opposite way of them, making my escape.

  That had to have been the most painful thing in my life. I walk by a trash can and immediately dump the pretzel. I head straight to the exit and to my car needing to get home before I lost my shit in the mall.

  Once home I did cry. I bawled for hours before finally falling asleep. I had a long restless night dreaming about being with Danny and pregnant with his child. My subconscious seemed to enjoy messing with me.

  Chapter Eleven

  That was only one day from this past week. Two days after seeing Danny I got a call from my mom saying Troy was in town. He apparently stopped to see her, and she informed me that she chewed him a new asshole. I could only imagine. Shortly after getting off the phone with her I got a text message from the devil himself asking if we could meet for dinner and talk. At first, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I figured what the hell. What’s the worst that could happen right? We decide to meet at one of my favorite steakhouses later that day. I’m sure I know what he wants to talk about, it makes me a little nervous, but I know we spent a lot of time together and seeing him again wouldn’t be that bad. Would it?

  Yes, it absolutely would.

  When I showed up to dinner he wasn’t there yet, so I grabbed us a table and waited. Troy wasn’t one to be late. The Army instilled being early in him which made this start to feel a little strange. I looked at my watch and he was already ten minutes late.

  “Checking to see how late I am?”

  I jerk, startled by him sneaking up on me like that. “Why yes, I…” I didn’t finish my sentence as I realize someone else is with him. My face drops. I know this guy. What was his name? Terry? No, not that.

  Seeing my face Troy gets visibly nervous. “You remember Lucas, right? He’s the reason we are late.”

  That’s it. I remember Lucas being over a lot. Like all the time. I thought they were just best friends. I didn’t meet him until after we moved though, I would never have suspected he was the boyfriend. “Yes, of course. Hi Lucas, good to see you again.” I try to sound sincere, but I don’t think I managed it very well. I didn’t want to be here anymore and try to figure out an excuse to leave as soon as possible.

  I watch as they sit down across from me while my brain tries to sort it all out. Why the hell would he think it was okay to bring him. Of all things to do, this was just fucking stupid. I look everywhere but at them, unable to meet their eyes. I really want to get the hell out of here.

  Bringing my eyes back to Lucas, I stare at him, watching him fidget. It made me feel a little better that this was just as uncomfortable for him as it was for me. After all, he was the one fucking my husband behind my back. But the
more I think about it, why wasn’t he this uncomfortable before I knew the truth?

  Giving my head a little shake to bring me out of my thoughts I glance between the two men sitting in front of me. Both are looking everywhere but at me. What was the point of this dinner?

  Feeling my anger rise the more I sat there looking at them, I decided I had enough. Looking straight at Troy I meet his eyes and shake my head. “I can’t do this. I don’t know what your intentions were to meet in the first place or what your thought process was to bring him along with you.” I nod my head toward Lucas, still shocked he was sitting across from me. “I’m just not able to handle this. Not now and probably not ever.” I stand and walk away as fast as I can without looking crazy. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and needed air.

  Stepping out of the restaurant I stop and take a deep breath, filling my lungs, before slowly letting it all out. Before I could take another step, I hear Troy right behind me.

  “Addy, please wait just a minute.”

  My shoulders drop as I slowly turn around. Why couldn’t I just escape all this? “What do you want, Troy?” I ask.

  “I’m sorry about all this. I really am. I didn’t think bringing Lucas would piss you off so much.” He shrugs his shoulders. Was he clueless?

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home and crawl into bed.”

  “Look, I really wanted to talk. Can we meet maybe tomorrow for coffee? Just you and me this time, I promise. I just want to talk to you.”

  He looks sincere, but I’m hesitant to say yes. Why does he want to talk so bad? Taking another deep breath, I look up at him. “Fine. I’ll give you one hour tomorrow. That’s it though. I’ll see you at the coffee house at twelve. That’s when your hour starts so if you're late that’s less time for whatever you need to ‘talk’ about.”