Stronger than You Know

by Jolene Perry

  Perfect. Now Trent will hate me forever. I have to do something to fix this. I can’t have Trent hate me. We live together. I force myself off the floor and open my door.

  Uncle Rob steps out of Trent’s room and our eyes catch.

  “He didn’t do anything. I promise. I’m still …” crazy.

  Uncle Rob takes a step toward my room, but I close the door between us and release my breath. I did my part. Now I can hide and not feel guilty. Only I still do.

  I’m in the narrow dingy-white hallway of my old house. The smell is the same. There’s a man in my room. I can’t see in, but I know he’s there. Does he know I’m just outside the door? My hand is on the doorknob—when did that happen?

  I slowly let go of it, but when I do, the knob clicks back into place. I didn’t even realize I was opening the door. I hear movement in my room. Without thinking, I run. It doesn’t matter that Mom freaks out when I go near the front door. It doesn’t matter. I need to get away.

  My legs push hard, only they’re so weak. Like I’ve been tied down for days. Only I’ve never been tied down for days. Only held down long enough for things I couldn’t escape.

  His face appears. Richard. My legs push faster. My scream is stuck in my throat. Can I breathe? I try to suck in a breath. The hallway gets longer and longer, my legs get weaker and weaker. His beer breath, stubble, and belly are getting closer.

  My body tries another scream. I definitely can’t breathe. I’m running, but the hallway won’t end. I’m almost to the door. Almost. I reach out. I jerk the door open. I’m free. But then I run straight into Trent who grabs my upper arms.

  I find a breath to scream.

  The sound rips from my lungs, startling me into sitting.

  “Breathe, Joy.” Aunt Nicole rests a hand on my knee. I’m not sure when she came in.

  I open my mouth to talk, but I have nothing to say.

  “Let’s flip your pillow over, okay?” she asks.

  She always does this. She says it helped her kids when they were little. I let her do it because I know she wants to think she’s doing something for me. But I don’t know how flipping a pillow over could help with dreams.

  I lie down to show her I’m okay. Even though I have no idea if I’m okay or not.

  TEN

  Better?

  I reach for the front door to start my walk to school. I’m not going in the car because after yesterday and last night I’d rather not ride with Trent.

  “Joy, wait. Trent wants to talk to you,” Aunt Nicole says from the kitchen.

  In my limited experience, if Trent wanted to talk to me, Trent would be the one talking right now. Not his mom.

  “I’m walking today. It’s no big deal.”

  “Joy.” Her voice is stern. Up until this moment, Aunt Nicole’s pretty much let me do whatever I want. Mostly because I don’t do anything. But I can tell by her tone this is different.

  I shuffle into the kitchen.

  She glares at Trent.

  Trent’s eyes shift to mine. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It’s not a problem giving you a ride to school.”

  I stand and stare, having no idea what I should do.

  Aunt Nicole’s eyes are on me next.

  Right. Okay. I need to say something.

  “Thanks. I like to walk, though.” My eyes float to Aunt Nicole’s expectant face, Trent’s annoyed one, and then to Tara’s.

  Tara gives me a grimace and a shrug of apology. “I’ll walk with you, today.” She steps around me, and I follow her out the door.

  “Well, that was awkward,” Tara says when we reach the end of the driveway.

  I nod in agreement.

  “Sorry about Trent. He’s gotten worse this year. Thinks he’s some big stud or something.” I can tell without looking that she’s rolling her eyes.

  I don’t say anything.

  “Does it bother you when I talk? Would you rather it just be quiet?” she asks.

  “I like you talking.” Is that a good enough explanation? I find Tara interesting, and there’s nothing I want to say.

  “So, last year Trent dated this awesome girl named Caitlynn. We all adored her. They split just before this year, and he’s sort of become … I don’t know, but he’s already gone through a couple girls. This girl, Kia, and I used to be really good friends, but now she’s hanging with the same crowd as Trent, and, I mean, I like to go out once in a while, but it’s like they can’t get enough.”

  Tara continues to talk. I soak her words up and realize that she’s not having the best senior year. The tone of her voice is upbeat, but I can tell she’s feeling separated from her friends, and her brother is letting it all happen.

  Even though her problems are completely different than mine, I actually take comfort in the knowledge that even when someone’s life looks pretty perfect, it really isn’t.

  We’re watching a movie in Government, and every time I look up to see if Justin is watching me, he is. Just his eyes make my stomach and chest feel all light and tingly.

  I glance over again. This time he isn’t looking at me and I take in his features. He has a small bump on his nose, an angled chin, thin lips, and really smooth skin. His nearly black hair is kind of shaggy, and it looks soft. His lashes hit the hair that falls over his forehead. His eyes are kind like Uncle Rob’s.

  Justin turns and his smile spreads when our eyes meet again.

  I look down at my lap. Now I feel bad about the inhaler thing. I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time, so I want to keep moving forward.

  I lied.

  I write it on a piece of paper and slip it onto Justin’s desk.

  His forehead wrinkles up and then he writes quickly, holding the paper out toward me.

  About what?

  I don’t have asthma.

  Just writing it makes me feel better because I needed to tell him.

  Why would you lie about that?

  Because I sometimes have trouble breathing.

  Why?

  Will the questions never stop coming?

  I just … I sometimes think about things and it makes my lungs not work right.

  Is that enough?

  Like, panic attacks? My mom used to get those.

  So, he kind of gets that part of me. And even though my breathing is shallow, I feel like I’m doing something new. That’s cool.

  Really? I pass the note back.

  He’s smiling as he writes. That’s good. That has to be good.

  Yeah. It’s pretty common, not that big of a deal, but she’d get them for no reason at all

  I’m tons lighter. I mean, tons.

  Don’t say anything.

  He chuckles under his breath as he writes.

  How big of a jerk do you think I am?

  I don’t know yet.

  I laugh a little as I send the note back to him. Laugh. A real one. Not one designed to make my aunt or cousins feel better, a real, honest laugh.

  “Joy?” Our teacher. “Keep quiet back there.”

  “Sorry.” Only I’m totally not sorry because it feels amazing to be talking like this.

  Maybe you’d let me take you for a drive or something? So I can show you I’m not a jerk?

  His face has softened, and his dark eyes watch me as I read.

  He’s asking me out. I stare at the paper and then over at him. He’s smiling at me. My heart suddenly gets louder. What do I do in a car alone with him? My eyes slide over him again. I can ride in a car with Trent, and Trent’s way bigger. But Trent’s my cousin, and Justin is not my cousin. I suck in a deep breath.

  Maybe.

  I hand the paper back over.

  His smile falters a little, and I feel the small, subtle movement of disappointment in my chest. I don’t want him to feel bad.
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  He nods, looks at me, and mouths, “Okay.” He slumps back in his seat.

  Our note-writing is over. I feel almost rejected, like he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. But that’s silly, I told him no first. Well, not no. Maybe. Almost the same thing, right?

  “Do you have the car today?” I whisper.

  He nods.

  “Maybe you could give me a ride home?” I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth. What am I thinking?

  His smile is back. “Okay.”

  I feel my mouth pull into a smile to match his.

  This whole situation with Justin makes me feel this huge burst of hope. But then I remember Trent and his girlfriend in the den when he gave her a ride home. Is that what Justin will expect?

  Why didn’t I think of that before I asked? I can’t get in his car if that’s what he’ll want. Can’t.

  It’s raining hard when school is over, but I have my raincoat, so I’m good. The walk is short. I pull my hood up as I step out of the school.

  “You’re not trying to ditch me, are you?” Justin’s voice behind me is tinged with laughter.

  “I …” I don’t know what you’ll expect from me if you give me a ride home.

  “You are …” He’s still smiling. That’s good. “Have you still not figured out how irresistible I am?”

  “What?” Is he serious?

  “I’m kidding, Joy.” He shakes his head.

  “It’s just …”

  “All I want is to talk with you outside of class. Just a ride. I’ll drop you off, and that’s it.” He holds his hands out, palms up. “Promise.”

  “That’s it?” I’m leaning toward him I want to believe him so bad; there’s just this other side of me that knows we’re about to be in a car together, and I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

  “Yeah. Totally not a big deal. Just a ride.”

  Okay. Totally no big deal. I can do this. Now I just need to say something. “Where’s your car?”

  “Come on.” He gestures toward the school lot with his head.

  We walk together through the downpour to a sad, faded black car.

  “So, this is it.” He opens the passenger door for me.

  “Cool.” That feels like the right thing to say.

  He chuckles. “Not so much, no. But it’s what I could afford.” He closes the door behind me and gets in on his side.

  I take in a deep breath. Okay, I’m okay. I’m in a car, alone with a boy. I try to take another breath and it’s shaky. “I need my window down.”

  He pauses. “It’s cold outside. And raining.”

  “Please?” I’d rather ask him for something crazy than hyperventilate.

  The small car rattles as the engine warms up and I roll my window down. As insane as having the window down seems, or, I guess, as insane as it is, I have an escape so I feel okay in here. I’m so not putting needs an open window on my list of crazy things. I’m in the car. That counts for something.

  “You’re really quiet.”

  “You’re just now noticing?” Listen to me, teasing him and everything. I definitely need to call Lydia.

  “No. We’ve been in school for two months, and it took me that long to ask you out, and then you sort of said no.” We’re in a line of cars waiting to get out of the school parking lot.

  “I said maybe,” I correct him.

  “Why didn’t you say yes?” he asks as he gives me a glance.

  “I … I don’t know.” Mostly because I’m still scared.

  “It’s cool we’re talking though.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve just … I’ve wanted to talk since you came to school, but … I guess I’m a coward or something.” He smiles.

  I’m not sure what to make of him yet. “Oh.”

  The line inches forward, and Justin flips on the radio, tapping his steering wheel to the beat. I watch, envious at how relaxed he seems.

  We finally pull out of the lot and onto the roadway.

  “Wanna get a hot chocolate or a coffee or something on the way back?”

  “Drive-through?” I ask. “Or …”

  “Whichever.”

  “Drive-through.”

  “You got it.”

  And I’m okay in here, because this is the only situation I have to worry about dealing with. Just me, in his car. Even crazy Joy can drink out of a cup in front of Justin.

  Maybe I do have a chance at normal. Wouldn’t that be something?

  ELEVEN

  An outing

  I let out a sigh as we pull up my driveway. Three extra cars are parked in front of the house. My stomach sinks. “My cousin’s home. With friends.”

  “Right, the mighty Trent Mooreson.” Justin puts his car in park, turns it off, but doesn’t move.

  “He’s not mighty anything. He’s probably the only one here that I just don’t get.” I take another sip of hot chocolate. I’m not in a hurry to get out of the car, not with Trent and his gang inside.

  “You live with your aunt and uncle, right?” Justin asks. He pulls a knee up and leans back.

  My heart’s hammering. This is how the hard to answer questions start. “Yeah.” I don’t want to lie to him again—then I’ll just have to tell him I lied again—sometime later, when I get the guts to.

  “And that’s better than home?” His eyes are on me.

  My eyes are on my cup. “Home doesn’t exist anymore.” I take another drink, which is only a temporary distraction from my thoughts.

  “I’m guessing that answer is code for you’re done talking about this.” His voice is still so relaxed.

  “Yeah.” The word comes out in a breath of relief.

  “Okay.” He tilts his head way back and takes the last drink of his coffee, holding the cup up and tapping the bottom to make sure he gets every drop.

  “You’re funny.” I’m watching him. He’s not much bigger than me—lean and only slightly taller. Much less intimidating than … almost every guy I’ve had contact with.

  “Glad you think so. I’m just trying to get my money’s worth of caffeine.” He chuckles again as he puts his cup into the cup holder.

  I like his talking, the way he moves. I like watching him.

  Uncle Rob’s silver SUV pulls in next to us. “There’s my uncle. I should go.” Probably best in case he starts asking questions I’m not sure how to answer.

  “Let me get your door, okay? Make me feel like I actually took you out, even though I just drove you home.” He jumps out and runs around the front of his car.

  “Okay.” I sit and wait and it seems sort of silly. But he opens my door and offers his hand to help me out.

  I can’t take it. Touch feels like a whole different level of closeness, and I just can’t.

  And I thought I was doing so well.

  His hand hanging in the air is like a reminder that I may have let him drive me home, but I’m still pathetic.

  Uncle Rob saves me. “Hey, Joy.”

  Justin reaches his hand out to shake Uncle Rob’s. “I’m Justin, a friend of Joy’s from government class.”

  I jump out before he can offer me his hand again.

  Uncle Rob looks between us a few times as I get out.

  “Did Trent forget you?” Uncle Rob asks.

  “No.” I shake my head. “Justin offered me a ride, which turned out better anyway because Trent has a bunch of friends over.” I glance again at the extra cars in the driveway.

  “Okay. Well, thank you, Justin.” Uncle Rob’s eyes go back to him. “You’re Tom’s son, right?”

  “Yeah,” Justin answers.

  I’m standing next to him now and he smiles at me again. His smile sends these happy warm tingles all through me. It’s kind of strange to have a boy like him like me. He ha
s to like me, right? Isn’t that what feeling this excitement is all about?

  “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” He waves and climbs back into his car.

  “He seems nice,” Uncle Rob says as he watches me.

  “He is.” My eyes focus on the front door, which feels much safer than looking at Uncle Rob.

  “Ready to head in?” he asks.

  I shake my head. Holding myself together for that long car ride with Justin wore me out. Trent’s friends are sure to put me over the edge.

  “You don’t have to, Joy, but do you want to go somewhere with me?”

  “Where?” It comes out before I have a chance to filter it. The destination really shouldn’t matter.

  “Just a few minutes down the road. I thought we’d get you a phone.” He’s standing patiently, even though the rain is really coming down.

  “For what?”

  He chuckles. “So friends, like Justin, can call you. So when you decide to get a ride home with someone we’ve never met, you can tell us first. When you decide you want to run to the mall on your own like Tara does nearly every afternoon, you can call home if you need a ride. Or we can call you if we’re worried. It was one thing when you were with Tara or Trent all the time, but now you’re doing things on your own, and I want you to have that freedom but also the safety in knowing you can reach us. So, you know, normal stuff.”

  “None of that seems normal.” Though I don’t really know what normal is. “I’m sorry. I didn’t really think about if it was okay for Justin to give me a ride.”

  “It’s okay.” He nods. “My guess is that you’d be a lot more careful than most.”

  I don’t say anything, but I have to agree.

  “Anyway, I know his dad. Good man.” He takes a step back toward his car. “Wanna head out?”

  “Okay.” I jog around the front of the SUV because I don’t want him to have to wait for me and climb in. Now I’m in Uncle Rob’s car. Just a month ago I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him.

  “Ready?” His voice is loud as he climbs in on his side.

  I jump and lean toward the door. Totally involuntary. Totally makes me a coward.

  “I’m sorry, Joy. I forget.” He sits still for a moment, his voice barely above a whisper. “We don’t have to do this.”