Stronger than You Know

by Jolene Perry

  “I’m just tired.” I rub my forehead with my hand. “I talked with Justin all the way home from school and we stopped for hot chocolate, and …” It’s nothing that should leave me feeling so wiped out.

  “And that kind of energy is exhausting. I get it.” His smooth voice is back. “Tell you what. We get there, and you change your mind about any part of this or want to sit in the car while I go inside, you just let me know, okay?”

  “Thanks.” I let my head rest back and close my eyes.

  Uncle Rob doesn’t talk and I don’t talk during the drive. I think about my short time with Justin this afternoon. I’m sort of in shock that I rode with him. I may be nervous around him, but I’m not afraid to talk to him anymore. That feels big. Significant.

  “We’re here.” Uncle Rob turns the car off. “Do you want to come in?”

  I open my eyes to a small storefront that looks nearly empty inside. I should be able to do this. Nothing bad has ever happened to me in a cell phone store. I’m good.

  I grab the door handle and step out.

  “Okay.” Uncle Rob jumps out his side and we walk in together.

  I’m overwhelmed by the choices. There must be more than a hundred kinds of phones here.

  “Do you know what you want?” Uncle Rob asks.

  He stands close, but it feels more like protection than anything else, which helps me relax. Even two weeks ago the idea that Uncle Rob close to me could be relaxing would have felt impossible. It’s proof that I can do better—move forward. All of those things that Lydia spouts at me.

  “I want something really, really simple.” None of the phones look like phones, they’re all like small computers.

  “Let’s just go the counter, then.”

  “Okay.” I follow. Having my own phone—just the idea of it makes me feel grown-up. Independent.

  He talks with the cashier in a language I barely understand. I look at the large TVs on the walls, advertising phones and apps and plans. It seems kind of silly since we’re in the store with the actual products all around.

  “Here.” Uncle Rob hands me a phone. “It’ll take us a few more minutes to get it set up.”

  The phone’s front slides open for me to take calls. I feel myself smile. I slide it up and then back down. Cool.

  The door is shoved open by a couple of guys, probably Uncle Rob’s age, but not as neat. I turn away and lean against the counter next to my uncle. He’ll be like my wall so they’re not really there.

  One of the two men stands in line behind us. I breathe in and smell Marlboro smoke. That smell is so connected to Mom’s trailer. To the men there. To the glances, which led to touches which led to … My lungs seize up. I choke. I need to get out. Now.

  I tug Uncle Rob’s sleeve. “Uncle Rob?” I whisper.

  He’s digging through his wallet. “Yeah?”

  “I need to go—now.”

  He doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll be back in a moment,” he says to the cashier as we move for the door. I take a deep breath as we step outside. The clean air immediately helps, but I’m still shivering.

  “I’m sorry, Joy. I wasn’t paying attention.” He’s looking at me with the same sympathetic frown as when he saw my scars.

  He stops next to the passenger door of his SUV. “Are you okay?”

  The words bounce around inside me, bringing tears to the surface. “I’m so tired of being afraid of nothing.” I fold my arms. The pavement feels like the only safe place to look.

  “It’s not nothing.” He shakes his head. “Climb in. Relax on your own. I’ll be back with your phone.”

  I want to throw up. I’m so pathetic there aren’t words to describe me in this moment. A smell and a loud voice and suddenly I can’t function. I hate being such a mess. I jerk open the car door and slip inside.

  I focus on Uncle Rob in the store. The two guys are still standing behind him in line. Something about how they move and shove each other reminds me of some of Mom’s friends. I can almost feel the unwanted hands on me and I squirm in my seat, wishing that closing my eyes would help push the memory away. That life is back in California. I tell myself this over and over. A world away. A lifetime away. I’m not there anymore.

  I know this part. The part I can’t believe is that I might never have to be there again.

  “Here you go.”

  I jump, not realizing Uncle Rob’s returned.

  He hands me my phone. “You’re one number off the whole rest of the family.”

  “I’m sorry you had to—”

  “Joy.” His smile is wide. “You’re out with me. That alone is kind of a big deal for me. As a dad, I have this insane desire to protect you, to protect Trent—who wants no part of my protection—and to protect Tara.”

  I don’t fully understand, so I sit silent, hoping he’ll continue.

  “Joy, if you didn’t think I was crazy, I’d sit next to you all the time, and drive you places you want to go, because I want to make sure you’re safe. And not just that you’re physically safe, but that you feel safe too. It’s a dad thing.” He puts the car in gear and pulls out.

  “I feel safe with you,” I say.

  “Good.” He smiles. “You have no idea how happy that makes me. Maybe this is the first of many outings.” He lets out a long breath. “Think about what you want for dinner, and we’ll pick it up on the way home.”

  “Anything?” I ask, my mind spinning with possibilities. Have I ever picked out dinner before? So many choices and possibilities and people to please …

  “Anything.”

  Before letting myself overthink, I say, “Pizza.”

  “Perfect.” He smiles wide, and I guess that’s it. We’re getting pizza tonight because it’s what I want. Amazing.

  It’s still the simple things in my new life that overwhelm me.

  TWELVE

  Control

  A week’s gone by and I have yet to use my new phone. Maybe it’s good that I haven’t needed anything. Aunt Nicole hands me another dish, which I set in the dishwasher.

  Trent sits by the front door in Nike shorts and a white T-shirt attacking his phone with his thumbs. This is what he does with most of his Saturdays unless he’s out with friends.

  “Rob!” Aunt Nicole calls. “You two are going to be late!”

  “He can wait!” Uncle Rob laughs from upstairs.

  “What are they doing?” I ask as I add detergent and start the full machine. This has been my chore for the past week, and it’s such an easy one that I’m happy to feel like I’m helping.

  “Trent and Uncle Rob do kung fu together. They have for ages. Trent’s busier than he used to be, but they still like the workout.”

  Uncle Rob steps into the kitchen and kisses Aunt Nicole on the cheek.

  “Can I come?” The words fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them.

  Uncle Rob’s brows go up. “Yeah. Why don’t you change into those soft pants your mom got you, that way if you feel like joining, you can.”

  Aunt Nicole’s face pulls into wrinkles of worry. “It’s loud, Joy, and …”

  I’ve already decided and want to go before I think too much and chicken out. “I’ll be right back.” I jog upstairs, take off my button-up from school, and throw on a T-shirt and the yoga pants from my aunt.

  Wait. Uncle Rob called Aunt Nicole my mom. My heart aches for it. I know the word slip was just a stupid mistake on his part so why does it have to give me so much hope?

  I almost run into Tara at the top of the stairs.

  “Where are you off to?” she asks.

  “Kung fu?” I didn’t think when I first asked. My note to Lydia’s going to be a good one.

  Tara makes a face. “Have fun with that.”

  “I’m curious.” I shrug and run downstairs.

  “R
eady?” Uncle Rob’s smile is wide, but his voice is soft and quiet, like it always is around me.

  “Yeah.” I’m brave. I’m strong. I’m so going to do something I’ve never done.

  Now I can be Joy, Queen of New Experiences.

  There are more people at the kung fu studio than I was expecting.

  Mirrors run along one side and mats lay on the floor. The group is diverse, with some women—maybe two or three—a lot of men, and a few kids my age.

  Uncle Rob stops next to me as Trent moves on to the massive mat. “The instructor’s loud. Don’t let it bother you. It’s just what he does, okay?”

  I nod.

  “You want to leave, just make eye contact with me or run out to the car.”

  “All right.” I have a way out, which makes the whole new experience fun instead of panic-inducing.

  I sit on the floor near the door to watch because I’m not sure what to expect. Everyone says their hellos and spreads out on the mats, starting with lunges. The instructor is strong and flexible, stretching farther than anyone else and looks like he’s straining less than everyone else. A girl with long pigtails and bleach blond hair is in the back corner close to where I’m sitting, and I watch her.

  Her jaw flexes as she stretches, almost as close to the mat as the instructor. Her eyes seem focused directly in front of her, not even really watching the teacher. She looks so … tough.

  Her eyes catch mine, and she smiles big. She has a ring. In her lip. I cringe. That had to hurt. We’re about the same height, but that’s where the similarities end. She has gorgeous almond-shaped eyes and darker skin, an odd contrast to her bleached hair. Her body is straight and strong. She stands in a way that puts me in awe of her.

  “Come on.” She jerks her head for me to join her.

  I shake my head. Watching is enough for today.

  “Come on.” She jerks her head again.

  I fold my arms.

  She walks over. “You can’t let the boys have all the fun. Just try it.” She reaches out a hand, and my hand reaches out to take it. I have no idea how that happened. She lifts me to my feet.

  “I’m Daisy.”

  “Joy.”

  “Cool.” She grins. “You can hang with me.”

  We step onto the mat, and no one even glances my way. I’m just one of many.

  “Horse!” the instructor yells from the front.

  “Like this.” She widens her stance and crouches low.

  I do the same.

  “Good. Now hold it for as long as you can. He’s brutal and will make us all sit like this until people start to collapse.”

  She giggles and I feel my mouth pull into a smile.

  My legs start to burn. Like fire. But I can do pain. I’ve certainly felt worse.

  “You can make your body do anything.” The instructor’s voice is so strong, so convincing. “Mind over matter, right?”

  A few people chuckle.

  I can do this. I can make my body do this. My legs burn, but I have control over them. I get to tell them when they can stop burning.

  I focus on being still. My body relaxes into the position and even though I hurt, I feel like I could sit here indefinitely.

  “We have two tough little girls in the back tonight, making you boys look like a big bunch of sissies.” The instructor chuckles.

  My eyes focus, and Daisy’s laughing next to me. “Oh my gosh, I’m done!” She stands and shakes her legs out.

  I follow her lead, but my legs don’t work right anymore, and I laugh. I rub my palms up and down the top of my rubbery thighs. That helps, but my legs still don’t feel like my legs.

  Uncle Rob has shifted closer to me. He gives me a thumbs-up, and a surge of pride rushes though me. Just like that, I’m hooked.

  “So.” Daisy puts her hands on her hips after class. “You’re coming back, right?”

  “I’m coming back.” My whole body is loose and shaky, but I feel tough, in control, and that’s something I’ve never felt before. I push the hair off my hot, sweaty face.

  “Cool. I’m always here. My dad owns this place.”

  “Okay.” I cross my arms but more out of habit than for protection.

  “I’ll see you around.” She slaps my upper arm before turning toward the office.

  “See you.”

  Uncle Rob gives me a light squeeze before holding open the door. We’ve never even touched before, and I didn’t even flinch. Definite progress.

  “You did good,” he says as we step outside.

  Trent’s laughing with a guy taller than him who follows us out.

  “Good one, Mooreson.” The guy’s startling blue eyes catch mine. “Nice job in there,” he says to me.

  I don’t speak. I don’t know him.

  “See you later.” He laughs loudly, slaps Trent on the back, and jogs off to his car.

  Trent laughs. “Well, don’t tell Tara that Brandon spoke to you. She’s had a crush on him since freshman year.” Trent rolls his eyes like he doesn’t think she’s good enough for Brandon, which is ridiculous.

  “I didn’t know that,” Uncle Rob says slowly. He turns and frowns as the Brandon kid pulls out of the lot.

  “And watch out for Daisy,” Trent says to me. “She’s an awesome girl, but she’ll do anything.” Trent chuckles and then adds more quietly, “Daisy parties are legendary. If you’re invited, always say yes.”

  “Let’s go,” Uncle Rob says as he waits at the driver’s side door.

  Trent glances at me. “You got the front seat on the ride over. You can take the back on the ride home.”

  That seems fair enough. It’s what he’d do with Tara anyway. I pull open the back door.

  “Trent,” Rob warns.

  “It’s fair,” I say as I climb in the back before Uncle Rob can say anything else and before Trent has more cause to be annoyed with me.

  I close my eyes in the backseat and wonder when I’ll be able to go back to Kung Fu.

  When we get home, I pull out my notebook and write,

  Joy does kung fu.

  I’m still high from my night and feel amazing.

  THIRTEEN

  Forgotten things

  Justin’s standing at the end of the driveway when I step outside Monday morning. This is the first time I’ve seen him outside of school since he gave me a ride home, and my heart does a little jump.

  “Morning,” Justin says with a smile I can barely see under the hood of his raincoat. “Are you waiting for me?” I ask as I adjust my hood under the falling rain. I’m feeling this confidence I’ve ever felt before. My legs still burn with every step after kung fu on Saturday, but the soreness is all from me. In my control. School should be easy today.

  “Maybe a little.” Justin does this really cute thing where he tries to hold in his smile but half fails.

  Today I keep my eyes on him long enough to appreciate the dimple in his cheek. “Okay.”

  “You seem happy today,” he says as we start up the street together.

  “Have you ever done kung fu?”

  “Used to a bit.” He walks a couple sideways steps to look at me around his hood. “I’m guessing you have?”

  “Yeah. Saturday night. It was fun.”

  “Your first time?”

  I nod and keep my eyes on him as we walk. If I can beat some of the men in horse stance, I can certainly look at Justin.

  “How are your legs?”

  “Super rubbery.” I laugh a little.

  He nods like he understands.

  Everything about our simple chats still feel like a big deal to me, and I’m starting to settle into the idea that simple things will feel like big things for a while.

  “You going again?” he asks.

  “Definitely.”

 
“Good. Not enough girls do kung fu. Gotta even out the playing field a little.” He gestures in front of him. “Did you meet a Daisy?”

  “A Daisy?”

  “Crazy half-Asian girl? Tougher than nails? A little loud?” He laughs.

  “How do you know her?”

  Justin snorts. “Everyone knows Daisy. She’s homeschooled but there’s not a party that Daisy doesn’t find her way into if she wants to be there. Also she’s amazing at kung fu and won some national stuff with that, so she’s a bit of a celebrity in our small suburb of Seattle …”

  “You’re friends?” I ask, wanting to know more. Maybe a few people I know could know each other. I think about how Trent invites people over. How Tara has girls she eats lunch with. Maybe I’ll get to have my own group.

  “Oh yeah. Her family’s kung fu studio has been in this neighborhood for years. I think everyone has gone to their family nights at least a few times.”

  “Oh.” Kind of like how people in the trailer park all sort of knew each other. Well, sort of knew each other. “Where’s your car?” I ask.

  He sighs but with a wide smile. “So, the thing about old, cheap, crappy cars is they don’t always run …”

  “Bummer.”

  He lightly bumps his arm against mine. “I’m walking with you, so it all worked out.”

  I have to look away because my cheeks heat up so fast there’s no way he won’t notice. But I’m not scared. I’m flattered. That feels like a million steps in a good direction.

  I look around the school as I head to first period. Something obvious strikes me as I stand in the middle of the commons area. I’m maybe one of them. I mean, I know I’ve come to school for about two months, but now I think I might belong here. In a school with kids my age. Kids who will go to college and do big things and live good lives. The feeling is both overwhelming and amazing, even though I should have felt this way from day one.

  I grasp the railing to help my sore legs up the stairs and pause at the top when I see a huge bulletin board of sketches. I step closer and take in the pencil strokes and shading, seeing how people did it perfectly, and wishing I could smudge or erase bits on others. Another realization pushes into me. I miss drawing enough to try it out again.