Fiona McArthur

by The Surgeon's Special Gift

'Such as?' She had his full attention.

  She shrugged. 'The next few weeks of discomfort I'll be less than wonderful company. Physically I'll have restrictions for the first few months and I guess I'll have changes in body image to come to terms with, although that's a minor consideration. I certainly haven't had second thoughts.'

  'Not too minor when it's your own body, but go on.'

  She glanced back at him, unsure what he meant, but his face didn't help her understand.

  She went on, 'William should be watched closely and I'll need to stay on standby until he's right. I don't want what happened to Emma to happen to William. That commitment to my family is no way to start a relationship with someone.'

  'I'm sure we could manage to cope. Then again, not everyone has a sister who specialises in renal surgery and those recipients seem to survive. You haven't convinced me.'

  She faced him. 'All right, then. Mostly I don't think it's fair to you and Sophie. There are risks, not huge risks statistically but risks nevertheless.'

  She was glad to get this off her chest. 'You've already told me how long it's taken Sophie to resume normal life after losing her mother. If she were to see me debilitated, it is likely I could bring all those painful memories back for her.'

  Fergus took a few moments to reply and then he spoke slowly, as if being careful of what he said. 'I can see that is a possibility and it is something I need to address. It was one of the first things I thought about when I finally found out about your relationship with William. Sophie is to be protected at all costs.'

  Ailee agreed. She'd always thought that but it stung nonetheless that she would always be second or perhaps even third in his life after his dead wife.

  These were all reasons she should have stayed away from him in Singapore. Funny how the closer she became to Fergus the more obstacles she could see. And the more of him she needed and selfishly wanted.

  'Why didn't you want me to meet your mother this evening?' His question jolted her out of her meanderings and she spoke without thought.

  'Sophie isn't the only one who needs protecting.'

  'Touché.'

  Fergus acknowledged the hit and Ailee sighed and went on. 'Why broadcast my somewhat tenuous relationship with you before William's operation? If Mum thought I was entering a relationship, she would revisit the possible ramifications on my life, fertility and health again.'

  Fergus tilted his head. 'Your mother is entitled to her valid concerns.'

  Ailee frowned. 'You are the last person I would expect to be unenthusiastic about donating to help another person. Do you have concerns?'

  'Honestly?' He looked across at her and his eyes softened. 'If I didn't know you so well, the statistics tell me there is nothing to worry about, or about one in thirty thousand as in any operation. Knowing you doesn't change that, but somehow it does.'

  He glanced out the window and then back at Ailee. 'I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I've already lost someone dear to me from such a low risk.'

  He went on, 'But I can see you are determined and I'll be glad, as you will be, when it's all over.'

  He sighed and deliberated on voicing what was on his mind. 'If the operation goes ahead, that is.'

  Ailee looked unutterably relieved to finally have her concerns out in the open so there was a delay until she'd comprehended his last sentence. He watched her expression change to one of disbelief and regretted the necessity of burdening her.

  'What do you mean, if the operation goes ahead? We're booked in next week.'

  Fergus spread his fingers on the table. 'You haven't seen the paperwork. William's psychological assessment wasn't good. I don't know how you missed it but William is exhibiting all the signs of denial and non-compliance.'

  Ailee shook her head vehemently. 'No, he's not!'

  Fergus went on softly but remorselessly. 'You know that the first criterion a kidney recipient needs to meet is compliance. We have to be sure he is not going to throw this chance away by breaking the very stringent rules and medication regime post-operatively. We would do him no favours if we allow him to waste this chance.'

  'I can't believe what I'm hearing.' She shook her head in further denial. 'How dare you say William is non-compliant? He's never missed a clinic or dialysis and lord knows, it's painful enough for him.'

  Fergus knew he was losing her and the familiar pain swept over him. There had been so many ups and down with this relationship but he was responsible for the optimum outcome for his patients, and like hell he'd waste Ailee's kidney if her brother wasn't going to value it as he should.

  'I'm sorry, Ailee. It is true. William has been binge- drinking alcohol and eating what he likes. His fluid quota has been consistently over and his biochemistry is totally out of whack.'

  'No. He couldn't. He wouldn't.' She searched her memory and a few minor incidents gnawed at her confidence.

  Fergus went on. 'Don't tell me that—look at his pathology results. You need to ask why he would jeopardise his transplant.'

  Ailee shook her head again but fear was like a hard rock in her chest. 'I do not, for a moment, believe this is true. But, if it were, what possible reason could he have to do that?'

  Fergus reached across to take her hand but she pulled her fingers out of his reach, unable to tolerate his sympathy, and the gulf between them widened.

  Ailee went on without allowing Fergus to speak. 'He has no reason to do that.'

  'He might.' Fergus pulled his coffee-cup closer and added sugar very slowly as if to give her time to calm down.

  'What about guilt?' he suggested. 'Concern for you and fears he can't cope with? Dread of rejection and that your sacrifice would all be for nothing? There are a hundred issues more mature people than William can't face. If he is too unwell for transplant, he doesn't have to admit any of those fears.'

  Ailee planted her hands on the table. 'It's not true. I think you're just making this up so I won't have the operation.'

  His face didn't change. 'That is not true, Ailee. What possible reason could I have for that?'

  She sniffed. 'You tell me. Is your professional judgement clouded by other issues?'

  Fergus sat back as if she'd slapped him. 'You don't believe that.'

  Ailee covered her mouth with her hands and drew a deep breath before she spoke. This was all her fault for becoming involved with Fergus and not concentrating on William.

  'I don't know what to believe. I need to think. I need to talk to William and I need space from you. I knew a relationship with you wouldn't work. I want to go home.'

  'As you wish.' He signalled for the cheque. 'William's problems need discussion and I regret I've upset you. I know this a shock and maybe you do need some time alone to come to terms with your disappointment.'

  The drive home was accomplished in silence and Ailee opened her own door before Fergus could get out. She didn't think he was surprised.

  'Thank you.'

  'For what?'

  'For agreeing to give me space.' She shut the car door, walked up the front path and didn't look back.

  There wasn't a lot she could do this late at night and she wasn't going to think about Fergus. The hospital wouldn't thank her for waking up William and she couldn't share this with her mother.

  Had William been drinking and consciously or subconsciously jeopardising his transplant chances? How had she missed that he was having second thoughts^

  Or was she justified in her accusation that Fergus was seeing things that were not there because he'd already lost one woman in surgery and he was frightened to lose another?

  She needed to talk to her brother and sort this out.

  She knew she'd been unfair to Fergus but this was all part of the reason she hadn't wanted to get involved in the first place.

  He steamrollered her, clouded the issue and confused her, and took her strength when she needed it most. She should have stayed away from him. This was all her fault for not concentrating on William. She'd been sidetracked by her ow
n dilemmas but she'd change. She wouldn't make the same mistake again.

  When Fergus arrived home it was ten o'clock and he knew he wouldn't sleep.

  Ailee had been devastated and he guessed she would blame herself for not noticing William's deviation earlier and probably he himself for telling her.

  Just so long as she didn't blame him if the decision to transplant was rescinded. He hoped Dr Harry would be back for that one.

  Light was still angling from beneath Sophie's door and he knocked gendy in case she had fallen asleep, reading.

  'Hello, Dad.' His daughter sat up in bed.

  'Hello, sweetheart. What are you doing awake?'

  She glanced at the clock as if to say he was the late one. 'I wanted to wait for you to come home.'

  'I'm home. Now go to sleep. It's school tomorrow.' Fergus crossed the room and pulled the curtains before coming back to sit on the edge of the bed.

  'I know. Did you have a nice night with Ailee?' Sophie was smirking at him as if she'd caught him out.

  He appreciated her cleverness but discussing Ailee with his daughter was the last thing on his wish list. 'What makes you think I was with Ailee?'

  'Intuition.'

  He raised his eyebrows and suppressed a smile. 'Really? What else does your intuition tell you?'

  Sophie tilted her head on one side and studied him.

  The mannerism belonged to her mother and Fergus accepted the twinge of regret that would always be there for the loss of the first woman he'd ever loved.

  'Things are not going smoothly,' his daughter pronounced.

  'You have wonderful intuition, just like your mother had.' He tucked in her bedclothes. 'I love you but I'm not going to discuss this with you. Now, go to sleep.'

  'Dad?'

  This time he did smile. 'Yes, Sophie.'

  'Occasionally you have to take risks if something is important enough.'

  'Thank you, baby. I'll remember that.' He leant across and kissed his daughter on the brow. 'Goodnight.'

  "Night, Dad.'

  In the morning Sophie was up before he left, which was unusual, and she dragged her fluffy slippers across the floor as she entered.

  She shuffled across the room and slumped into the chair next to him. 'I had a bad dream last night.'

  Fergus put down his coffee and concentrated on his daughter. She looked pale.

  'You OK?' Fergus said. Sophie shook her head and now that he looked properly he saw that her eyes were red.

  'Not really,' she said softly.

  Fergus stood up, pulled his daughter up against him and put his arms around her. She didn't pull away and felt soft and forlorn in his arms: He dreaded the times in the future when their rapport might be lost again.

  For the moment she trusted him again and he accepted how much he needed that trust from his daughter. 'Do you want to tell me about it?'

  She nodded her head and he smoothed the hair back from her forehead. 'OK. Take your time.'

  Sophie leant against him and then finally she mumbled into his shirt, 'Is Ailee sick?'

  Fergus felt like groaning. 'Why do you ask?'

  'Because in the dream she was sick like Mummy was. I was locked out of the room, looking through a window. You were sad and I was calling out to you, but you couldn't hear me.' Sophie buried her nose in his chest.

  Fergus winced and rubbed her back. 'I will always hear you, baby.'

  Sophie looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. 'So Ailee isn't sick—is she?'

  Now he was in a dilemma. 'No. Ailee isn't sick.' He felt his daughter relax against him with relief and he hugged her briefly. He wasn't lying but he wasn't being fair to his daughter either. 'Ailee's brother is sick.'

  Sophie stiffened against him. 'Can she catch it?'

  He sighed. 'William is eighteen, and has end-stage renal failure. You are probably one of the few girls in your school who would understand what that is and what it means to a previously healthy young person.' He paused.

  Sophie nodded and he drew a breath.

  'Ailee is donating one of her kidneys to him in a week or two.'

  Sophie froze and then pulled away to stare up into his face. 'But she might need it some time herself.'

  He tried to smile. 'Ailee is very healthy.'

  Sophie shook her head violently from side to side. 'Tell her she can't do it.'

  He sighed and looked down at his daughter. She was so young and fragile and had been through so much. 'I can't tell her that. It's Ailee's decision.'

  Sophie was still shaking her head. 'She could get sick. An infection or even a clot like Mummy! People die from operations. It's a big operation.'

  'Ailee is not going to die.'

  'Mummy wasn't supposed to die.'

  Fergus ached for the young girl who had watched her mother go into the hospital and never come out. 'I know, darling.' He hugged Sophie to him but she pulled away.

  'Why did you bring her here and make me like her if she's going to die?'

  'I didn't make you like Ailee and she's not going to die.'

  Sophie backed away out of his arms. 'Even if she doesn't die this time, one day she might get sick. She'll need her other kidney and it will be gone. Then she'll get sicker and sicker and die as well.'

  Fergus stood there and watched his daughter back away from him. He tried to reason with her. 'Some people are born with one kidney and never have a problem. Perfectly healthy people who haven't donated can get sick kidneys suddenly. That is the same for everyone, Sophie.'

  Sophie shook her head. 'You shouldn't have brought her here. I hate her and I hate you.' Sophie spun on her heel and ran out of the room, and Fergus rubbed his face with his hand. Terrific.

  Ailee would be saying 'I told you so' and he had a big problem.

  CHAPTER TEN

  On Tuesday morning Ailee arrived at the ward at the same time as the trolley bearing the breakfast trays.

  Tossing in her bed, unable to sleep, Ailee had promised herself she would stay focussed on William and only William. He had to have the transplant.

  When she entered the ward her brother was just pulling himself up in bed to eat and he looked very pale.

  'Good morning, William.' Ailee approached the bed and shifted his bedside table closer, unsure how to start the conversation.

  'Ailee. You're early.' William studied his sister's face and something he saw there brought a look of wariness to his eyes. Ailee felt her stomach drop as he looked away from her.

  He buttered his toast intently. 'Have you come to steal my breakfast?' His attempt at lightening the mood fell flat and Ailee didn't help out.

  'No. I've come to ask you some questions.'

  'Like what?' There was a touch of bravado in the response and Ailee sighed.

  'Why have you been drinking alcohol when you know it is the wrong thing to do for your condition? I thought you understood that.'

  He glared at her. 'Who told you I was doing that?'

  She leant on the breakfast tray and tried to read his face. 'It doesn't matter if what they say is true. Is it true, William?'

  He shrugged. 'I've had a few beers with the boys. Sometimes more than a few. That's all.'

  Ailee shook her head. Her worst fears had been confirmed. 'I heard you've been consistently over your fluid limit and your biochemistry hit the roof.'

  'Well, it won't matter if I get one of your healthy- as-Hades kidneys, now, Will it? Your kidney will fix everything.'

  'They'll cancel the op if you prove yourself non- compliant.' She thought she'd shock him with that but he just shrugged.

  'What—no life-long corticosteroids and waiting for your ultimate sacrifice to stop working?'

  Ailee bit her lip against the shock. What sort of sister was she not to have noticed he was in this state?

  'How long have you felt like this?' She felt like crying.

  'Since you came back. Go home, Ailee. I don't want to talk about it.' This new William was a stranger and she didn't know how to get throu
gh to him.

  Ailee put her hand on his arm but he shook it off. 'We have to talk about it. What am I going to tell Mum?'

  'Just leave it. Leave me. I'm not in the mood to talk about this.' His voice rose and Ailee bit her lip.

  Ailee stood there with the blood draining away from her face. She felt sick and faint and horrified at the way her brother was looking at her. She was doing no good here—making things worse even.

  She turned away and almost bumped into the ward sister who had come across to see what William's raised voice was about.

  'Everything OK?'

  Ailee tried to smile. 'Fine. I'll be back later,' she said, and left the ward almost at a run.

  Fergus watched from the other side of the office. He'd planned on speaking to William before he saw his sister, but it was too late now.

  The good news was that Ailee didn't know that he had seen the incident. The bad news was that he couldn't go after her and offer comfort because she wouldn't thank him.

  He needed to step back and give her the space she'd asked for. He had a glimmer of an idea that could perhaps help and didn't involve him, but that was all he could do.

  Ailee went back to her office and sat in the chair with her head in her hands at the desk. Everything had been going so smoothly, or she'd thought it had. She'd been blind and stupid when she should have been watchful and focussed.

  First Fergus and her loss of control, in Singapore, which she still couldn't believe, then his secondment slap in the middle of her workplace. Her inability to say no to him had her head spinning and all the time she'd been diverted from seeing that William had gone into self-destruct mode.

  She didn't know where to begin to make things right, except that she needed to stay away from Fergus.

  Her mother would be devastated if they ran into problems at this late stage, but if she didn't tell her it would be more of a shock at the last minute.

  And she started work in an hour.

  How she was going to get through the day? This was the last place she felt like being. She'd just have to believe everything would turn out all right.

  An hour later she was back on the ward. During the round Ailee noticed that Fergus avoided any discussion with her. He spoke most of the time with Rita and his registrar, often with the result that Rita had to ask Ailee to clarify some points, which Rita would then relay to Fergus.