BOMAW 4-6

by Mercedes Keyes

  Jake felt his chest tighten.

  Yesterday... all of it was suddenly coming down on him from yesterday.

  He woke that morning deciding to get all of it from yesterday off of his mind by picking up where he left off, dismantling the kitchen. After two hours, he called Derrick at the high school in Madison where he was the coach. Praying he could talk, he needed to talk, because something weird was happening to him. The conversation had lasted longer than it ever had between them because Jake felt for a moment like he was going crazy, asking Derrick. "What do you do with your kids Derrick? I mean... what?"

  Derrick had been stunned by the question, especially coming from Jake. "Why would you ask me that? I guess I do the same thing any father would? Why? What'd you do with yours?" He asked in return and Jake didn't know what to say. "Jake?" He called after so many moments of silence, "Hey... you still there?" He asked, sitting at the desk in his office in the high school gym. School would be letting out in another week or so, he had to get all of his grades in for the students. It was a good day to talk because many were taking test, leaving him with free time.

  "Yeah... I'm still here."

  "You alright?" Derrick asked concerned.

  "Derrick... where... where has the last twenty years gone? Where? Where was I? I don't remember anything man... I don't remember anything." He said, feeling panicked, sounding panicked to his brother.

  "Jake? What's going on? What's wrong?"

  "I got three sons right?" Jake asked, instead of answering Derricks question.

  "Yeah... you do. Benjamin, Kevin and Paul... three sons."

  "Okay... yep... I know. But... where'd the fuck time go man!? I mean... how old is Benjamin? Twenty something right? So is Kevin... and Paul... he's like... what - 17 or 18?"

  "Yeah... I think that's about right... what's wrong Jake?"

  "Hang on hang on - I'm trying to think." He stopped and felt a heaviness settling on him.

  "What are you trying to think about Jake? Tell me." Derrick encouraged, amazed at this sudden turn of his little brother. Then it suddenly occurred to him. His little brother wasn't a little boy, but a man. One that was on his way to turning 40. Derrick smiled, wondering was that his problem.

  "I'm trying to think... about - what the fuck - has happened in my life... the last 20 years of it - because I can't remember it - not a goddamn thing?! What the fuck... what the fuck have I been doing Derrick? I mean... where is it? Where's it all at?"

  "Jake... first, you need to calm down, take a deep breath and not think about it right now. Think about something else."

  "Man I need to think about it! I need to think about it, because I can't stop thinking about what I am thinking about! But when I try to think back about something else - I draw a blank! I've been trying since yesterday! I can't get my fuckin' head to bring up anything! It keeps repeating the same shit from yesterday over and over and over again! There's 20 fucking years of my life... that is gone! Where is it Derrick?! What the hell did I do with it?!"

  "Okay... okay... well, what are you thinking about?"

  "Are you fuckin' listening to me Derrick!? Aren't you a goddamn teacher?! Listen to me! I'm trying not to think about it! If I tell you about it, I'll be thinking about it! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!!! I need to think of something else - but I can't think of anything else... 'cause I can't remember shit!"

  "Well why can't you remember anything?"

  Jake sat with his hand in his hair, his forehead palmed as he held the phone to his ear. The call hadn't helped him. In fact, it made things worse. Especially when the answer to his brother's question came with startling clarity.

  He knew he couldn't remember because he hadn't taken the time to do anything that created for him, a memory worth remembering. For himself, there was no great and proud moment that really made him feel worthy of remembering. Nothing really strong and substantial. He'd done okay in school. He excelled in sports, but that was to out do Shawn. There was certainly nothing worthy to share in any of his old girlfriends. He had three sons, and he could vaguely recall anything he took part in, or participated in that would be worthy of remembering now.

  "Jake... why can't you remember anything?" Derrick asked again gently.

  "'Cause I got fuckin' nothing worth remembering man! Nothing! I got stuff to do... bye."

  Yesterday... it all started. Thoughts he didn't want - like for one... thoughts of...

  Vivian...

  Vivian in the red dress at Kwik Trip.

  Vivian in the red dress on the dance floor.

  The scent of her in his truck... he swore it was still there... or hung up in his head.

  Vivian in her kitchen.

  Vivian on the sofa across from him.

  Vivian's eyes... incredible - light brown eyes.

  Vivian and her declaration... "All... or nothing."

  Vivian... and that kiss. That kiss. That kiss. That kiss. Playing over and over again in his head.

  Vivian denying him. Wanting him, yet - denying him. "What the hell kind of shit is that!? Who the hell gets that hot and turns it off!? No way!" He'd said to himself that night as he lay in his hotel room. He thought he'd give it one more try. Maybe a quick afternoon tryst. He couldn't just bring himself to leave. There was something in him that needed to see the trying of her through to fulfilment. Especially after that kiss. After touching her so intimately. After tasting her. Inhaling the scent of her. Feeling her body against his, the head of his erection rubbing against her, eager to go all the way. Haunting him was the throbbing of it, needing to reach its destination. Like a dog that had sniffed out something raw and new, filling its nostrils and tugging at the need, unable to leave it, digging to get to it. He had to have her. Once he had her, he would feel sated and that would be that. But that couldn't be that when he woke that morning. He could not point his truck for home without trying once more, figuring to come at her from another angle. Once he showed up, he saw the Lexus parked there. He saw the front door open and then he heard her screaming.

  Plans ruined!

  Starting his truck and backing out, his initial desire had been to find that doctor and beat the crap out of him. He'd ruined a perfectly good morning. Needing to calm down, he tried to reach Sheila, and then met her husband. Met her family. Saw their lives. Looked into the eyes of Tyrese. A bright, funny, incredible little person whom he'd enjoyed. Suddenly he realized, he'd not shared that moment of enjoyment with his own sons. Twenty years had gone without a trace.

  40! It was there haunting him. Hovering. Whispering on the wind, growing larger and more ominous.

  This year - 40!

  Six months - 40!

  This fall - 40!

  November, 2005 - 40!

  He was thirty-nine years old and about to turn - FORTY!!!

  Jake shot up from the sofa about to go back to tearing up the kitchen when he felt a pain in his back. "Ah! Ah my back!" He put his hand to the area. He'd never felt it hurting like that before. He stood trying to stretch it. Turning this way and that. He needed to get back to work. He decided he just wouldn't think. He walked to Sylvia's stereo system and turned on the radio, tuning it to his favorite radio station. Some loud rock would be just the ticket, drowning out all thought. One terrific hit after another kept Jake going for almost an hour, then the dj announced a Beatles tri-medley session. First song, 'Long and winding road.' - the song settled in on Jake making him hum along in his head as he worked. Before he realized what was happening, the next song, 'Something.' - came on, and found himself singing along...

  Something in the way she moves,

  Attracts me like no other lover.

  Something in the way she woos me.

  I don't wanna leave her now,

  You know I believe, her now.

  Somewhere in her smile she knows,

  That I don't need no other lover.

  Something in her style that shows me.

  I don't wanna leave her now,

  You know I believe, h
er now.

  You're asking me will my love grow,

  I don't know, I don't know.

  You stick around now, it may show,

  I don't know, I don't know.

  Something in the way she knows,

  And all I have to do is think of her.

  Something in the things she shows me.

  I don't wanna leave her now.

  You know I believe, her now.

  As the song played on moving towards the end, with the guitar strings strumming, he realized what the lyrics were saying. For the first time ever while singing it, an image materialized in his mind moving with the chorus ending.

  Something in the way she knows,

  And all I have to do is think of her.

  Something in the things she shows me.

  I don't wanna leave her now.

  You know I believe, her now.

  Before, it had just been a catchy tune, nice to listen to, easy to follow. Never had any true meaning, it was one of those songs that he quickly learned and knew all the words too. Now... now all of sudden, a face, a body, and eyes played in his mind like a video wired into his head. Vivian...

  Jake stopped and leaned against the counter he'd been moving, a hammer in his hand. His heart was pounding in his chest. He could still see her, as he last saw her yesterday. Her eyes filled with tears, her face wet with them. He'd wanted to dry them despite her screaming at him, -- "I DON'T WANT NO BODY... DOING SHIT FOR ME!!! I'll do for my damn self! I've spent my whole life - by myself, doing for myself! And the one time... I let somebody - help me out just a little... I get that shit! Screw all you motha'fucka's! You all alike! Think I'm stupid!? You aren't any better than he is! He slithered out! You slithering in and it's all gonna turn out the same!" --

  He couldn't get the image of her in the heat of her anger, humiliation and need from his mind. He wasn't stupid. She was in need. He knew what it looked like. She was tired and didn't even know it. Or maybe she did know it. She was after all mature enough to recognize what she wanted for the remainder of her life, and it wasn't a man, just... as she put it, 'slithering in...'

  Slithering. The word was nasty... ugly.

  Yet... Jake knew it applied to him. He'd done some slithering in his lifetime. Funny, suddenly he remembered something of his last twenty years. He remembered all the slithering, because there had been plenty of it. Because of it, it had made him what he was then. With nothing to be proud of to remember. He was in a sense, like Vivian, alone. What she'd said rang true for him as well. "I've spent my whole life - by myself - doing for myself!"

  Jake couldn't believe it... the third song came on, 'Yesterday.' "Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away..."

  "You dirty bastards!" He blasted the radio dj, angry, he launched the hammer across the room, to see it crash into one of Sylvia's nice wall paintings. The glass shattered and fell with the picture quickly following. Leaving a hole in the wall.

  "Aaah shit..." He hoped he could find another painting like that, she didn't like him enough already. Now he'd gone and broken one of her paintings.

  His cell phone was ringing. He rushed to the table and answered it.

  "Hello?"

  "I just... I felt that I should... apologize for yesterday. I'm sorry. Thank you... for helping me, with - you know. But the money, I told you I didn't want it, I still don't. I'll be sending it to you."

  "That's not necessary." He spoke gently, feeling a weird sensation rush through him hearing her voice again.

  "For me it is. Where should I send it?"

  "Keep it for me then, in case I should need it - if I'm ever in Chicago again... and broke."

  "I'll give it to Shawn, Sheila says he's coming back through after returning from California... I'll have him give it to you."

  "Why are you being difficult?!" He asked getting exasperated with her.

  "How can returning something to you that is rightfully yours, be construed as difficult?" She returned agitated.

  "If I remember correctly, eighty of it is yours... is it not?!" He launched back.

  "Fine! Okay... I'll keep eighty! Send you back the one twenty that is yours! Feel better now?!"

  "I thought you called to apologize?! But you're just as stubborn - just as bull headed and spiteful as you were yesterday!!" He blazed at her for reasons he could not put his finger on.

  "Spiteful!? HOW IS THAT SPITEFUL?! Look - I'm on my lunch! I'm sorry I called... I don't have time for this! I'll give your brother your money - goodbye!!" She hung up.

  "UGGGH!!!" Jake raged and tossed his cell phone across the room next, on the same route as the hammer, hit close by the hole he made. It hit the wall, split into four different pieces and fell to the floor.

  "Dammit! Now I'm gonna have to buy another cell phone! Damn her black ass!" He muttered out loud, then a picture of it came immediately into his mind. His hand cupping the firm mound, his body gyrating against her as he squeezed the perfectly rounded flesh and found himself aroused and shortly there after, erect. The feel of her against him and the kiss putting him into a full blown throb of need. "Oh her sweetblack ass... lord... help me." He muttered, because now he wanted her even more, something about fighting with her was turning him on. She was fiery, brilliant and didn't just melt for him, she heated up, as hot as the much used, ever dependable black coal. The dog in him couldn't forget the scent, couldn't be satisfied until he reached the treasure.

  "I gotta have her man, just - one time... just once."

  ***

  L. A... Tuesday Morning...

  "Mother, meet Ms Josephine Daniels, better known as mama JoJo. Mama Jojo, my mother, Gertrude McPherson." Shawn introduced the two women out in front of Mama Jojo's home. Angela was sitting in the open door of the SUV looking on as Shanna stood behind her mother greeting the older woman who was dressed up in her Sunday's best to join them.

  "Mama Jojo... its mighty fine meeting you ma'am... you can call me Gert. Mind me callin' you Mama Jojo as well?"

  "That suit me just fine sugah. An' who this pretty gal?" Mama Jojo asked looking at Shanna.

  "I'm Shanna ma'am, Shawn's younger sister, its really nice to meet you."

  "Same here. You's a pretty young woman, sho'is... you married?"

  "Not for long ma'am." Shanna answered honestly, smiling.

  "I take it you leavin' him, cause you too pretty fo' him t'be leaving you."

  "Yes ma'am, that's bought the right of it." Shanna answered as the three of them escorted her to the SUV. Mama JoJo looked at Angela sitting on the back seat. "Well look at you, you just growin' fast as can be and so pretty... don't 'member mama JoJo?" She asked standing at the side of the front passenger door where Shawn stood holding it open waiting to help her up.

  "Yes ma'am, I remember you."

  "Well come on down here and give Mama Jojo a hug."

  Angela smiled, hopped down out of the vehicle, doing so as the older woman hugged and rubbed her back, ending it with a stroke of her hair. "Lord you gone be a look'ah when you done growing, sho'nuff you is. What you gone do wit' this chile then boy?"

  "I think its coming at me faster than I'm ready for Mama Jojo." Shawn admitted smiling. Shanna walked around to the far door and climbed in with their mother climbing in the back seat placing Angela between them so that Mama Jojo could sit up front with Shawn. He helped her up into the vehicle, made sure she was in place and then buckled her seat beat. She sat grinning, feeling like a queen. When Shawn climbed in next to her, he took the old hand in his and gave it a squeeze. "I thought after we visited Jesse, we could take you out to eat as well, please? Its been so long since I've had the pleasure of your company... surely you won't deny me just a bit of time Mama Jojo?" He asked in his most charming flirtatious voice.

  "Lord would you look at yo'chile! Yo'boy somethin' else Ms Gert."

  "Mama Jojo believe me I know it. I got two others just like him too!"

  "So he say. I'm afraid Mama Jojo won't be 'round to meet them, but if this one here a
nythang to go by, I know they mighty fine men to be proud of." She returned in her slow and contemplative way. Although she was over eighty years old, her mental capacity was as sharp as ever.

  "No worries mama JoJo... you got the best of the lot sittin' right here next to you." Shawn teased, all the woman gasped and laughed, yelling at him, "SHAWN!" With his mother going on with, "You aught to be a shame of y'self!"

  "Why ain't he just a arrogant strut?! I tell this boy all the time, humble chile, humble... the lord smiles on the humble. My Jesse was the same way - struttin' cock if ever they be one." Mama Jojo laughed with them. "You never meet my Jesse." Mama Jojo stated the fact.

  "No ma'am, I haven't. Don't know too much about him to be honest with you. I know we're on our way to visit his grave, my son mentioned last night about him and you."

  "Well... these two young men - they was the pride of me... I swear. I come here to California years ago wit' my brother an' his wife. I was a grandma already back then to Jesse James, born to my oldest daughter. I had two girls at the time. One run away from home, I aint heard from her in years. Th'other marry a no account, never did like'im, that was my Jesse's daddy - he come after my daughter when she follow me here like I did my brother. My daughter had six kids by that man, do you know out of all of them, the only one come see about me was my Jesse James. I was always closest to him anyway, born while his mama was still living with me. He was a little over three when we settle here. Out of all my grandchildren, he only somebody visit me, see if his Mama Jojo was okay. Then one day... he bring this one here along with'em. I swear, you wanna know where one is, fin' the other. They love each other, more brother's than real brother's I seen." Mama Jojo spoke softly, staring at Shawn's profile as he drove. His chest thick with remorse as they headed for the cemetery where he eventually could afford to have Jesse's body moved. That was thanks to Merriam Styles. Because of her, he could put a grave stone above his resting place and bring Mama Jojo to visit him finally.