Vivian stood feeling mulish, however, her mother was not the kind of parent you hesitated with. "It's simple, mama... Lacy, Ella and Candace, always worthy of some type of praise. Me - not once had any of you given me one ounce of what they got daily. Everyone would always go on about the pretty Cooke girls and the youngest, the little black one. Do you recall any of that, mama?" Vivian asked carefully. "The way it appears to me, is that you chastise me for feeling a black man is not good enough for me, yet - your own child was not good enough for you. To stand up for. To see that I too, needed somebody to give at least a little consideration for me. But no - all you ever had to say about me, was how you all were going to have to probably take care of me for the rest of my life. Hearing that all the time, I made sure that was the last thing that would be true about me."
"You know what, Vivian? If you weren't such a bad child, if you weren't into something ALL the time - 'causing fights ALL the time. Needin' a butt whooping ALL the time, you might have been around to hear the good things said about you. But as it is, laws of life being what they are, you only heard what you wanted to hear. That gave you license to justify wreaking goddamn havoc every moment you could find time to do so. You think it's easy, raising four girls? All four different. Every one of you, not happy with the way you turned out! And then, on top of it, you thinking everybody hate you because you dark black and we not! Vivian - your problem wasn't about how we seen you, your problem was about how you seen yourself! YOU are the one that decided that you weren't good enough! Not us! YOU the one that thought Ella had something better than what you had, because she was my color! I have never loved either one of you, more than the other! Because, you ALL - got on my GODDAMN NERVES! I swear fo' God ya'll did!"
"But, I was the only one who got the whoopin'!" Vivian cried out.
"Come on, now - let's face it! Yo' lil' ass was bad! And you know it! I ain't have time to compliment you like you may have needed, I was too busy looking for a strap, and then looking for you! By the time I found you, I was ready to strangle you, girl! Vivian, you know was no cause for you to act like you did sometimes!"
"What about the things I heard you say about me?"
"What about it? I said it, at the time, considering your track record, what more did I have to go on? Yeah - guilty as charged! I sho did think you was gone end up in Sing-Sing, somewhere!"
"You never once defended me when people referred to the other's as pretty, and me as the lil' black one - not once!"
"Baby, I may have not corrected other people, true, I did not. Looking back now, I guess I should have. But, your sisters needed to know they were pretty. I was scared for you to know how out-of-this-world beautiful you were, because I didn't want you to grow up vain and ugly... especially with how you act most the time. You, of all my girls, was the one who shined! I use to look at you when you were a baby, and the sight of you brought tears to my eyes, because I thought, 'Lord - look at my baby!' I was so proud of you, I gave your sisters a complex, for bragging about how stunning you were. I use to say, my Vivian gone grow up and be a model, see what I say! The more you grew, the truer it became. Ella use to tease you, and so did Candace. I use to get on they tail too, about it. They was jealous and wanted me to say how pretty they was. Let's face it baby - and if you repeat this - I'll deny it - I'mo tell you that right now, so keep it to yourself. Fact of the matter is, it's a compliment to Ella and Candace, just to say they plain."
Vivian's mouth dropped open. "Ooh, mama!"
"You know me - I ain't gone lie to you. I have to lie to them though, can't tell them the truth. My poor Ella - you and I both know her elevator don't reach all the way to the top. You know that, and the teasing you use to do to that girl was just mean!" Betty was fighting a grin. "Wasn't it?"
Vivian was fighting one as well.
"Well? Em, hm. You know! Fact cannot deny, of all my girls, you are the brain child - and - the beauty. I didn't know how - to raise a child like you, Vivian. Does that mean that I didn't love you?"
Vivian was going to cry. She didn't want to, but having her mother speak to her in that tone, turned on the eye plumbing. "Come here, baby girl. You need a hug?" Betty asked, stepping to her daughter, who was a couple of inches taller than she was. Vivian went into her mother's arms and embraced her tightly. "Stop all this nonsense now, Vivian. We love you, always loved you. Understand?" She asked.
Vivian sniffed, nodded and backed away, feeling silly.
"Now, as for this man - this Jake - Vivian, before it gets too serious, seek the company of a black man for-..."
"I'm in love with him, mama! I'm in love with him, mama, like I've never known love could feel! I'm planning to have two kids by him one day, one way or another."
"WHAT?! Here we go again! GIRL! Vivian - I just got through calling you my smart child! The one with the brains! How long have you known this man?"
"A few weeks." She confessed gently.
"A few weeks? He must be something else! A lawyer this time? Another doctor? Politician? Drive a Mercedes? He must make a mint!"
"Emmm, no. In fact, he's a - um, laborer - works in a lumber yard. Outdoors all the time, drives a Ford truck now. He use to drive a Chevy truck, but his uh - ex-deceased girlfriend's family destroyed the truck and set it on fire."
"What?!"
"Em, hm; and they burned his home down too."
"What?! Why?"
"Because his girlfriend, an older woman, well - she committed suicide and they-..."
"What!? When all this happen?"
"Emmm, within the few weeks of our meeting."
"And she committed suicide, why?"
"I'm not sure, but his mother - oh I love his mother, mama! Anyway-..."
"You don' met his mama already?"
"Em, hm. She was at the wedding! YOU KNOW WHAT?! She calls me 'Black Velvet' and WANTS me to marry her son!"
"What?! What is his mama?"
"She's white."
"Hang on here, his white mama-..."
"Em, hm."
"...-want you, for her son?"
"Em, hm."
"And, she call you 'Black Velvet'?"
"Yep... she is something else, mama!"
"Lord... Vivian, you know you can find some crazy shit to get into... I swear. So, anyway - why his girlfriend commit suicide?"
"His mother says she did it because Jake was breaking up with her, and she couldn't take it, so she killed herself. She was older than Jake see, and uh - I don't know, she couldn't handle the break up."
"So, what does he look like?" Her mother asked next.
"Mama - he is - the most beautiful man - white, yes -..."
"Sorry, ain't no man on this earth, finer than a black man! Let's get that straight, right now!"
"Well mama, maybe so - but to me - he's amazing."
"Sorry to dis this Jake already - but, he sound like po' white trash to me! I thought you was about men that were professionals? If you gonna go for a poor man, there are plenty hard working black men that earn $35,000 and less; what's wrong with them?"
"Mama!"
"Don't mama me! There may be a shortage of professional black men - but there are plenty of blue collar ones! If you can settle for a poor ass white man, you can settle for a black one, too!" Betty's dander was back up again.
"Mama... have you been listening to me? I'm in love with Jake. I'm not settling - he's the one for me."
"What he look like?!"
"Tall... handsome... blonde hair-..."
"LORD!"
"Hazel blue eyes."
"Lord, Lord - God!"
"He's uh... a bit older than me."
"How much older?"
"Well... he's 39, will be 40 this fall."
"Vivian! What is you doin'? What are - you doin'? And, how does he feel about you?"
"To be absolutely honest with you - I'm not sure. Right now, he's only in lust with me."
"In lust with you?! Ain't shit new about that! Hell, they been in lust with us since back
in the day, baby! That shit ain't new! The problem is, getting that son-of-a-bitch to the alter! Hell, they'll go to bed with us in a heartbeat! They'll whip out that lil' bitty dick in a minute-..."
"Emmm, not Jake."
"Emmm, not Jake - what?"
Vivian blushed and stared.
"Thought you said you ain't been to bed with him?!"
"I haven't, mama."
"Then, how you know - what you know, about his - you know what?"
"Because, we've kissed. We've gotten really close and ummm, you know men, he was getting hard - and mama - what was struggling to get out of his pants, wasn't nothing lil' bitty."
"Aaah, shit! Ain't nothing worse than a white man with a big dick! They the worst of the lot! Dumb as hell! Poor as hell! I'm surprised he don't do porn! You know that's what they do, when they got one like that!"
"Mama, stop being judgmental! He comes from a very nice family. By the way, his brother - is married to Sylvia! That's how we met."
"Sylvia married a white man?!"
"Yes, she did... his brother, his older brother."
"Emph, I guess he got a big dick, too?"
"Mama, I don't know nothing about that man! Other than, he's really nice. I like him a lot, and he is in love with Sylvia. She is soooo lucky."
"Lord! See, that's what happens! One get one to the alter, than you all think you can get one there, too!"
"Mama - it doesn't matter. I just want you to know... that if I should show up one day with a tall, blonde haired, blue eyed man beside me - it's Jake, and we're getting married. I won't bring him here otherwise."
Chapter 145
Back to Tuesday morning...
After that wrestling match with her mother, Vivian had done quite a bit of soul-searching. Thinking about her attraction and how deeply she felt for Jake. While just about all of their contact with one another had been mostly physical, highly charged, and tumultuous - it was all born from something riveting within them, both. Vivian was now convinced of that. No amount of soul-searching was going to change what she felt.
Besides, he wanted her! And, not just for sex! She could feel it, and last night, she could hear it in his voice. He was drunk - and he'd called her! She was starting to gain focus on the big picture. Stringing together all the past times he'd contacted her. Last night nailed it for her. Maybe she was being an absolute fool - she didn't care, and no matter what Sheila and Sylvia said - she was waiting for Jake. More so now than ever, because she'd told her mother about him. Who, in turn, told her father.
Nailing her determination hard and fast took place last night. From there onward - her entire focus and planning would be centered around getting, THAT man. He was fighting with everything in him, not to give in to her. She believed that now. If she were wrong, well then - so be it - wouldn't be the first time. One thing for certain, she felt this with every fiber of her being, Jacob Patrick McPherson was meant to be - her man. As each day passed, she felt she was meant to be his woman... his wife.
Yeah - he was broke as hell! Basically speaking, just barely had a pot to piss in!
Vivian stood looking into her bathroom mirror above her sink. Water dripping from her chin. Her eyes were red from lack of sleep, tossing and turning - worrying about Jake. She shook her head, was this a portent of things to come? Would a life with him be rife with worries? Anxiety? Struggle? Constant bickering? So far, to date - that's what it was. Yet, with all of those things, it was that and so much more. They electrified each other when they touched.
Vivian chuckled, leaning over into her bath and turned on the shower. Correction - he electrified her - when they touched. Even so, that being the case, she had a good hunch that she lit his fires as well. One thing she could not dismiss - this man whom she'd set her sites on - was a whore!
Vivian groaned.
It was true - she knew it. He was your typical, hit it and go. He'd been with that lady - his girlfriend Doris, and yet, there he had been, trying to get into her bed. Trying HARD to get into her bed. Even after the woman had committed suicide over him - he'd still called her. She dare not forget, that he'd done Edwina as well. 'Whorin' ass!' She thought resentfully. And then, still he'd had the nerve to contact her, in one way or another, had come close to confessing about Edwina. Yeah, he was a whore. Then, the club and the broom closet. Remembering that, kept reminding her it was a strong possibility that once she did give in to him, she might not be able to handle him. He'd left her weak and shaking. Yes, when it come to that, she had a feeling Jake would devour her, and she would be helpless to keep up, helpless in trying to endure him. While she hadn't seen him completely erect, she'd felt him, and witnessed the bulge there when aroused. Vivian felt she may be stupid in her thinking, and had never confessed it to anyone, but the size of a man's penis, especially a black man's, was another reason she wished to avoid dating them. She didn't want her body put through what a man heavily endowed could do to you. In her 28 years, namely, the sexually active ones, she'd had two acquaintances needing a hysterectomy from the problems brought on by being with a well-endowed man. She knew there were women eagerly searching for such men, however, she had not been. She remembered her mother saying to her sisters and herself, "Look - don't be having all them different size feet walking in your shoes. You know what I'm saying?" of course they hadn't, so she narrowed it down even more, "Okay... you ain't got but one shoe ... too many feet step into yo' shoe, especially big feet, they gone wear out yo' soles. If you got to have a big foot, make sure you stick to that one big foot, and it's the one that count. You don't, you let all them other different size feet walk in yo' shoe, by the time you find that one right foot, yo' problem gone be a loose fitting shoe; don't nobody like floppy shoes!" Because they still had a dumb look on their faces, she went straight to it. "Damn, Lord why I have to have all girls!" She exclaimed. "I'm saying, pay attention! The shoe... is yo' nookie - yo' cat - what's between yo' legs. In the street, some nasty ass lil' boy probably call it a pussy."
"MAMA!!!" They'd blasted, shocked. Ella had covered her mouth with both hands in disbelief, rolling back on the bed squealing in shock. Lacy was of stunned laughter, talking about, "Oooh-we mama, that's a nasty word!" Her mother agreed, going further saying, "Em, hm. Sho' it is, but you know what I'm talkin' about now, don't you!?" She asked, looking at all of them, Vivian sitting on the floor with eyes wide enough to pop out of her head. Her mother had gotten their attention, they all gulped and nodded that they now understood. "That's yo' shoe! And men, come in all sizes. Just like some people have little feet, some have fat feet, flat feet, and big o' feet. A man's penis is the same way!"
"MAMA!!!" Lacy had slapped her face covering it, which was burning from embarrassment. Candace, like Vivian, had wide eyes and a dropped jaw.
"Shet up, fool! I'm tryin' to tell you something! You better listen to me, too! 'Cause I'm gone kick ya'll' ass, either one of you come up in my house talkin' bout "mama, I'm pregnant"! I ain't havin' it! So quit actin' all embarrassed, 'cause I know you all get out there with your lil' friends and be talkin' 'bout it worse than what I'm saying. My point is this, one day - it's gone be okay for you to have sex... that day should not be, until you grown and can take care of a baby - if you have one because of having sex. And when that day come - don't go crazy! Throwing yo' legs open for every man that show you a lil' interest ... cause he ain't wantin' nothing, but some pussy... I'mo tell you just like it is. Men made to love what's between yo'legs, they do just about anything for apiece -bes' believe me! You follow that path, lettin' every Tom, Dick, Jack and Joe, walk all over yo' one shoe... by the time Mister Right come along, yo' shoe - gone be warn out! You understand me!? And, if you finally do - end up with a big man, and I'm meaning - a big foot, make sure he in love with you. Make sure he gentle and kind, with no mean streak. 'Cause I'm telling you now - a man with a big foot - that don't give a dang about you - will hurt you! Can mess all yo' insides up!"
"Do it hurt, mama? When you have sex?" Vivian asked.
"Even a big foot, mama?" Lacy asked.
"Em, hm. Even a big foot - and just so you girls know it, most black men - are big foot. Not all... but a lot."
"I'on want no big foot! I'on want it to hurt!" Vivian had announced at the age of 8 - having made her decision right then. As time went by, that determination with other life ingredients, made her end up avoiding black men all together.
Now, here she was, facing the dilemma of Mr. Right - who was white - and of all things ... a big foot.
Laek Chan, her first, had been average and with him it had hurt. Stung like hell, but he had been tender and compassionate, bringing her pleasure. So, her life had not been absent of anything pleasing. That had been part of the reason it had taken her so long to end it with Laek Chan; he'd made her feel good in bed. Mistaking it somehow, for overwhelming love. Yet, the truth was, it was anything but. Because unfortunately, the moment he left her bed, she felt as used as a kept woman. Simply put, she had been.
Vivian stood in the shower, letting the spray course over her body. Her body - alert and alive, stimulated by all of her different thoughts. A body that was giving her hell for some serious attention. While she wasn't crazy about sex, now that she'd had it, there was a certain time of the month, that she certainly needed it, more so than at other times. Wondering why that is, she'd asked Sheila if she ever noted the same, and of course she had an explanation for it, saying that it had to do with her fertile time of the month. When that time rolled around, every woman's body turned up the heat.
Vivian figured right now, she was as fertile as she could get.
Even in her sleep, her body clamored for a touch, and lately, the touch of one man... Jake.
Standing in the shower as she was, with him on her mind - she felt swollen, and throbbed with need. Would Mr. Right - big foot, be tender? Compassionate? Careful with her? Were he there now, she would find out, because she would give him all he asked for, and more. If he were there now - she was certain once he left her, she'd be set with his seed, growing in her womb. Which, took her back to the plans she had discussed with Sylvia.
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