Rocked Under

by Hawkes, Cora

  "I–" My throat was so dry that I found it hard to talk.

  "Here," a straw was shoved onto my lips, "sip it slowly or you'll bring it back up." Her voice was still shaking, "You haven't had anything in your stomach for days."

  I did as I was told. The cold liquid felt blissful as it slid down my parched throat. My head went back to my pillow and I smiled at her gratefully.

  "I'm feeling better." My voice was raspy. "What happened?"

  "You went down with viral meningitis three days ago. You've been out of it since."

  I frowned, "Am I okay?"

  She smiled, "Yes, Emma. As soon as you got here, they gave you antibiotics." She pointed to the tube in my hand. "The first twenty-fours hours were–" she looked at me, "I don't even want to think about the time we spent waiting for you to respond to what they gave you, but you did and you've been catching up on your sleep since." She tried to sound light but I could tell she had been deeply afraid for me.

  I covered her hand, "I'm sorry I worried you."

  She stroked my hair and shook her head as if to say, forget it. "I'm going to tell the nurse you're awake so she can check you over, I'll be right back."

  "Okay."

  I'd missed three days. I thought back to the last clear thing I remembered. I had walked in on Scott having sex with a girl. I squeezed my eyes shut but it didn't dispel the mental movie playing. The way Scott was rocking into her made me want to cry. Then seeing the cocaine on the table, I didn't even know he used it. The shame on his face when he saw me, or maybe I was imagining that part because there was no part of that Scott that I knew left in him.

  He had shown me a polar opposite to him, I never saw that part of him. Anger swirled in my stomach, making me feel sick. Maybe the Scott I thought was real isn't real at all. But I didn't truly believe that, I couldn't. The pain in his eyes when he caught me on the stairs told me that he wasn't happy. He wasn't over his dads death, he was hiding from it.

  My mum came back in with Ash and a nurse.

  "Mum!"

  She came over to me, her lips wobbling. "Oh, my heart, I love you so much. I was so worried about you." She wrapped" She wr me in a big hug and kissed me all over my face as she smoothed my hair.

  I smiled and put my arms around her as best I could with the tubes still attached to me.

  "How long have you been here?"

  "Ash called me when you came in and I've been here since."

  The nurse then took over and ushered mum and Ash out of the room while she checked me. She told me that I was lucky that I had friends who knew what to look for as she went about her task.

  Mum and Ash stayed until I ordered that they go home and get some rest. It was pointless them staying when I planned on sleeping as much as I could and I was gradually feeling better as the day wore on. They reluctantly left me with a promise of returning first thing in the morning.

  That same night, the nurse announced that I had another visiter. I sat up a bit straighter. Maybe it was Scott? Who else could it be? I finger combed my hair quickly, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and made sure I had no embarrassing bits on show. The door opened and my heart jumped into my throat. The person I was least expecting was stood in the doorway — my dad.

  He came in slowly, with hesitant steps. "How are you feeling?" he was now stood beside my bed.

  He looked older, his black hair was littered with grey. His eyes were drawn with purple bags and wrinkles. He no longer stood tall, he had a slight slump to his once proud shoulders. He had aged so much since I last saw him.

  "What are you doing here, dad?" I tried to sound strong but I couldn't, I was too weak.

  He looked down. "Your mother called me a few days ago." Then his sad eyes met mine again. "I had to come, Emma. You are my daughter."

  I humphed, "Now you care?"

  He pulled a chair close, "May I?"

  I nodded.

  "Emma, I want to apologise for what happened."

  "You have no right to show up here and ask me to forgive you." Then I felt my brows rise as I remembered my mum's words about forgiveness. I looked at him, did he really need it? Was he desperate?

  "I know that," he bent his head, "I know that I did a lot of things that hurt you and your mother terribly but I love you both more than you can know." He looked up. "I was ashamed. I could not tell your mother that I had fallen into something that I could not climb out of." He paused and looked lost in thought.

  I looked at his hands, they were shaking slightly. Pity for him — my father, the one who had hurt my mum so badly — rushed into me.

  "Your mother is the greatest thing to enter my life." He looked at his hands, "I don't know if you remember, but I cherished her everyday. When things went wronngs wentg and–"

  "–You became addicted to cocaine." I finished for him.

  He looked at me sadly and nodded. "I was ashamed, Emma and I didn't want her to know that I made a massive mistake. I felt like the dirt that clung to her shoe – I wasn't worthy of her. So, I stayed away and lied about working late so she didn't have to witness it. I tried to give it up — numerous times — but I couldn't do it. Whenever I did come home, she would wonder where I was and we argued."

  "Yes, I was there, remember?"

  "I was never angry with her, I was angry with myself for making such a mess of things. Once I started to lose her, I went even lower and the rest you know about." He sighed heavily, as though a weight had been placed on him. "When you and your mother left, I was so distraught that I checked into a rehabilitation clinic where I stayed for three months and got myself straight again. I love you and your mother more than anything on this world and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make us right again. I love you, princess and I'm missing you so much and I'm more sorry than you can ever know." Tears shone in his eyes.

  I looked down at my clasped hands. I had been right. He did love us. Maybe I knew, deep down, that

  he had loved us all along. He was always such a great dad and I did love him. It was time to let go, I was ready. I couldn't keep my anger festering away inside me forever and I didn't want to. I wanted him to be the caring, happy man that he once was.

  "I'll understand if you can't forgive me, Emma, because what I did and how I treated you both is inexcusable but I do love you. I just wanted you to know that." He sighed, "I have been sat in a hotel room waiting for the last couple of days just waiting to hear how you are. When your mother called me in a state saying that you were rushed to hospital and they didn't know if you would make it through, I flew straight over here." He shook his head and looked down, his lips rolling in as tears threatened to overflow. "It was the longest flight of my life and I kept thinking that I would be too late, that I would lose you — my beautiful daughter — without making things right with you, without holding you in my arms and telling you that I–" he broke right in front of me.

  Tears rolled down my cheeks, "I've missed you, Dad."

  ƀ

  Chapter Thirty-three

  After getting the okay from the doctor a couple of days later I was allowed home. Everyone I knew had visited me in the time that I had been there. My dad visited me every night and brought me crossword puzzles to keep me occupied, it was so typical of him but it felt good to know that he hadn't changed too much. One of the nurses said that he had called every few hours since I was admitted and it solidified my choice to forgive him. He listened to me talk about my life and took in every detail. It was nice just to see him smile again.

  I asked my mum about dad and she told me that he was going back with her to stay while he was over here. She was very close-mouthed about it but the dull glow that I was used to seeing had changed and morphed into a bright light that had her eyes twinkling again.

  They wanted to take me home with them but I refused. I didn't want to be clucked over, I wanted to be left alone. In two weeks we would be moving and I had to get packed. She wasn't happy about it but she let it alone when I gave her my I'm-big-girl-now stare
.

  Ash picked me up and helped me into the car like I was a delicate child. I was feeling loads better, although still weak but I was told that would pass shortly. I hadn't mentioned Scott at all since waking but I wanted to ask if he was okay. Had he even asked about me? Did he give a shit?

  "How's Scott?" Ash stilled but didn't look at me. She kept her eyes on the road.

  "He's okay, I guess." She turned her head away from me and pretended to be interested by something out the window. She was lying. I knew my cousin and I knew that she turned her head away when she lied.

  "Ash, I know when you're flibbing." She smiled a little at our old word for fibbing.

  She sighed, "He's not good, Em. But don't worry about him now, we need to get you to full strength first."

  I looked down at my hands, "Has he even asked about me?"

  She looked shocked, "Don't you know?"

  Oh no! What now? "No, I don't know anything, I've been in the hospital for the last week if you hadn't noticed."

  "Emma, Scott stayed at the hospital for three days while you slept. He refused to leave and only left when you woke up and the nurse had done your vitals."

  Shock went through me and my eyes widened, "Why would he do that?"

  "The morning I found you he burst in wanting to see you, to talk to you. When I told him that you were sick, he wouldn't believe me, he said that he'd seen you hours before and you weren't sick," she gave me a questioning look and I looked down again. "He went into your room and saw you and I swear it was like he knew, it was weird but if he hadn't of checked you for a rash and found the spots on your back we wouldn't have called an ambulance when we did."

  The words and you could've died were left unspoken between us but they hung in the air like a poltergeist and made me uncomfortable.

  Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I kind of remembered him saying it to me as I lay in his arms.

  "I had no idea. I thought he didn't care."

  "Emma, that guy loves you. He's a total mess."

  I didn't believe her so I kept quiet for the rest of the short drive home.

  Ash took me straight to the couch to lay me down. I could tell that if she was ever a nurse she'd be a bossy one. She already had everything I would need on the coffee table that she had moved next to where I was supposed to lay. Books, tissues, a selection of my favourite DVD's, munchies, laptop, remotes and more.

  "Wow, thanks," I smiled in gratitude. "You’re awesome."

  She beamed, "Hey, you're my favourite cousin, can't have you being sick for long."

  I laughed, I was her only cousin. She had been at the hospital with me every day for a week and I was so grateful to her for caring so much. She had gone a bit nuts when I told her about my dad. She thought he would hurt us again but I needed to let go of my anger and give him a second chance. Didn't everyone deserve that? It wasn't as though he had killed or raped anybody. He had just lost his way — okay, ay — ohe lost his way big time but still…

  "Where's Newton? You and him are usually inseparable."

  "Oh, he knows that I'm with you so he doesn't mind." She swiped her hand through the air like it was nothing but I felt guilty.

  "Go out with him tonight; spend some time together. I'll be fine here and I can call you if I'm not."

  "No way, Em, I'm not leaving you on your first night home," she straightened her back, "you just got out of the hospital with a serious condition." She was firm but I was determined to get her out of the apartment so she could spend time with Newton.

  "Look, I could do with some time alone. After spending a week in that place I feel violated. You don't have to be late and you have a phone–"

  "–Cell, Emma, it’s a cell over here." She interrupted.

  "You have a cell and so does Newton,” She was about to argue, "and Scott's upstairs unless he's playing tonight."

  She considered for a moment, "You promise to call if you want or need me?"

  "Of course I will but I'll be fine."

  "Okay but you better answer if I call."

  "Of course I will."

  As soon as Ash was out the door I went to have a shower. I needed to get the stench of hospital off me. I stepped under the warm spray and lifted my head, letting the water run over my face.

  I noticed that I had lost more weight, my ribs were faintly noticeable, my collarbone protruded more, but I didn't look like a stick yet.

  "Emma!" I heard a muffled shout.

  I quickly turned the shower off and jumped out only to realise that I had forgotten to grab a towel on the way in.

  Shit! "Who's there?"

  "It's me. Are you okay in there?" Scott was behind the door now.

  My heart started thumping wildly when I heard his voice and I became breathless. I was still weak and my body started to shake from the cold seeping into the steamy room from the poor quality window.

  I wasn't ready to face him yet, not after what happened. "What're you d–doing here, Scott?" My teeth started chattering.

  "I'm checking on you; Ash told me to."

  I rolled my eyes, that girl was a menace.

  "Im f–fine. Can you go now?"

  "Im not going anywhere until I've seen that your good with my own eyes, so you can come out, or I'm coming in."

  Bloody hell! "Can you get m–me a couple of towels then? I forgot. They're in the closet." How lame did I sound? He was probably thinking that I did it on purpose or something.

  He opened the door to a small opening a minute later and poked two towels through letting more cold air at my wet skin.

  "Thanks." I put a towel around me and wrapped my hair with shaking hands as I prepared to walk out of there with nothing on but a towel that covered me from the top of my boobs to mid-thigh.

  I opened the door, and even more cool air hit me. I started to shiver uncontrollably.

  "Jesus, Em, you're shaking all over the place."

  I looked up at his panicked expression and was knockand was ed sideways again by how attractive he was. He looked rough but he still managed to be the best looking guy I had ever met.

  "M–my b–body is s–still weak b–but I'm okay."

  Scott came towards me and scooped me up and bundled me in his arms.

  I gasped, "Put m–me down."

  "You're freezing your fuckin' ass off."

  I had nothing on but a towel and Scott was carrying me. Not only was I embarrassed for looking like a washed out rag but now he had my almost naked body in his arms. I wanted to become invisible. Straight away his warmth seeped into me, easing my shivering but I would never admit it.

  He took me to my room and placed me on the edge of my bed gently and let go of me, taking his warmth with him.

  "Where's you're warm bed clothes?" he looked around him.

  No way was he doing what I think he planned on doing. "I can get d–dressed on my own." I tried to sound firm but it was weak. "I don't n–need your help."

  "The hell you don't!" he growled suddenly. "Where are they?"

  I shrank back from him and pointed over to my bottom drawer. I was too tired and cold to argue back even though I wanted to.

  He pulled out the first warm things he put his hands on and came back to me.

  "I promise I won't look but you need to drop the towel so I can put these on you."

  "Nice t–try, asshole," as if I was going let him to do that.

  "You either do it or I'll do it for you. You should be chilling out, not fuckin' showering." His mouth was a thin line. "You want me to call Ash and tell her that you're not resting?" his green eyes brooked no argument. He was resolute and I knew that he wasn't bluffing.

  I huffed, "You better not look."

  As I lowered the towel to my waist, Scott kept his eyes on mine while I tried to keep my face indifferent. I wanted to cringe and squirm with my whole heart. Scott Mason was dressing me! What if my body isn't as sexy as the other girls he he'd with? I wonder if he compares them like I do?

  He lifted my flee
ce pyjama top and put it over my head. His eyes were darkening and I knew that he was trying very hard to keep his eyes glued to mine.

  Why do I even care what he thinks anyway? I. Don't. Bloody. Care.

  But I did. I cared what he thought about my body — what he thought about me.

  I pushed my arms through, then Scott — without looking — found the hem and barely missed touching my breast which sent a jolt of liquid heat through me as he pulled it down the rest of the way over my stomach.

  My skin became warm and my face heated in an instant.

  He picked up the flannel bottoms next as I expelled my breath.

  Oh, God! "I need to stand up." So embarrassing!

  He moved away and helped me stand. Once again, he kept his eyes on mine as I lowered the towel hesitantly to the floor.

  I could hear him breathing deeply and I started to tremble. I knew it had nothing to do with my body recovering and more to do with Scott and the way he was looking at me with open hunger that he tried, and failed, to d failedconceal fully.