Rocked Under

by Hawkes, Cora

  He opened my pyjama pants with both hands so I could step into them. I put my hand on his bare arm for support as I slipped my legs inside. He pulled them up slowly, his hands gliding up the outside of my thighs, over my hips, sending sparks on a collision course with the deepest part of me and all the while, his eyes never left mine.

  "Thanks." My voice was breathy and I stepped away from him and swayed on my feet.

  "Jesus, babe, you need to rest," he picked me up again, carried me into the lounge and sat with me in his lap. I went to move but he held me tight and wouldn't let me go.

  "I'm fine now, you don't need to stay." I tried to move off him again and he let me.

  I got under the blanket as he stood.

  "Emma, about the other night–"

  "I don't want to talk about it, I really don't." I shook my head.

  He sighed.

  "We'll be gone in two weeks and you can do what the hell you want. You can sleep with the whole fucking town and sniff all the drugs in the world." I looked away to hide the fact that it upset me. Why would I want to talk about it? I wanted to forget what happened, not relive seeing him fucking another girl like that after everything he had said to me. When he came back, he came back a Scott that I didn't know; there was no softness to him — he was a stranger.

  Those two weeks had been a hell of hurt and anger and I didn't know why. I guessed a part of his behaviour was to do with drugs but that couldn't be the only reason. I knew first-hand how cocaine affected someone; how it twisted them and how addicting it could be. How could he do it? Why did I let him get to me so much? Oh, yeah, it was because of a little thing called love. Loving a person was arming them.

  "Don't keep looking away from me." He sat down next to me then gently turned my face towards him. "I'm sorry you saw what you did. I haven't used it since that night and I won't be going there again. It just made all my problems worse anyway."

  "Please, Scott, not now. I don't care about it. You're sorry and that's — great." I did care.

  He looked upset then and he put his head in his hands. I felt bad, I didn't want to hurt him, I just didn't want to be hurt anymore.

  "I know you're hurting and I'm so sorry that your dad died and left you," my voice was gentle, "but I can't do this with you anymore. When you were gone, I missed you — but you didn't call once. I wanted to be there for you. I was worried and you must have known that I would be. We were friends if nothing else, Scott!"

  He gripped his forehead before running his hands over his face and looking at me.

  My tone hardened, "The way you have treated me since you got back, like you hated me," I paused when he looked away again. "I didn't deserve that. I really don't understand why you singled me out — out of everyone — and chose to hate me–"

  His nostrils flared. "I told you before, I could never hate you."

  "You confuse the shit out of me all the time. You say all this stuff to me and then the next time I see you, you're with someone else?" I took a breath. "Which, by the way, I know you did purposely to hurt me, so what the hell do you expect me to think?"

  "You need to calm down, you've been really sick and–" "The only thing to think was that you were talking bullshit." I stopped my rant and breathed.

  He studied me for a moment. "Everything I said that night; I meant. That was the first time I've ever said that to anyone and you rejected me again and then a-fuckin'-gain!" He frowned and clasped his hands together. "You won't fuckin' be with me and it kills me. It's like my hands are tied up and I can't reach you, I can't even touch you." He stood unexpectedly and turned his back to me. His shoulders were slumped and his head hung down on his neck. "It's fuckin' with my head. You have the most readable fuckin' eyes that I have ever known and I see that you feel something for me but you fight it. "

  My throat tightened and he turned to face me.

  "Why do you fight it so much? Be honest with me." His eyes were begging me and I couldn't deny him.

  He deserved the truth. "I'm scared. I'm scared to be with you because you'll get bored with me and move on. You could have anyone and you have girls throwing themselves at you all the time."

  He crossed his arms and looked down at his toes.

  "I can't live like that. I really couldn't watch it if we were together."

  He dropped to his knees in front of me and gripped my face. His eyes pierced mine and I could see the need shining through them.

  I closed my eyes tight, not wanting to see it.

  "Let me have you," his voice was gravelly, my heart squeezed. "I'll show you I don't want anyone else."

  The night before I went into hospital was fresh in my mind, the images not yet grainy but unblemished and the hurt was no less. "I can't now."

  He deflated in front of me and then stood, looking down at me with glossy, dejected eyes.

  "I'm sorry."

  He shook his head slowly. "Don't be. You deserve better than me anyway. I was a fuckin' idiot to think that I had a chance."

  What was he talking about? "It's not about you being good enough; it's about me and it's my fault."

  He smiled but sadness tainted his features. "You don't need to say that."

  An awkward silence started and I groped for something to say but nothing came. There was actually a lot that was left unsaid but I would always keep it to myself.

  Scott raised his hand to grip the back of his neck. "Do you need me to get you anything before I go?"

  "No, I'm fine. Thanks though."

  "I'm sorry for being a dick to you when I got back — it wont happen again. I want you in my life any way I can get you and if that means letting go, then I'll do it – I’ll never bring it up again." He pocketed his hands, "I prefer your company to anyone else's and if I had to go back to spending all my time listening to Newton moon over Ash, I might go fuckin' nuts." He was making light of things but I knew better.

  I laughed and the sound was unexpected. "You never told me that you and Ash – um…"

  "It's in the past and forgotten." He cringed.

  "She rented me that new comedy to try and cheer me up. I was going to put it on. Do you want to stay for it?"

  Scott smiled, his white, even teeth showing, "Surshowing,e."

  Scott disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows and cream before putting the movie on and sitting with my feet in his lap.

  ƀ

  Chapter Thirty-four

  A week of recovery went by and today I went to class for the first time since I fell ill. Ash deserved a medal for putting up with me, I didn't make a nice patient at all but she got me better and cheered me up the best she could.

  I was walking to lunch when hands started tickling me under my arms from behind. I squealed loudly, making everyone turn their heads in our direction. I swung around to see who it was.

  Kyle stood there with a cheeky grin on his face.

  I laughed.

  He put an arm around my shoulder as we continued to walk, "How are you? You look back to your ravishing old self again."

  A wide smile split my face, "Thanks, and yes, feeling much better."

  "Good enough to come out tonight?"

  "Where?"

  "A bunch of us are going to Soundz and I know you won't refuse because I happen to know that you love to dance."

  I laughed again, "Is that right, who told you that bit of top secret information?"

  Kyle opened the door and walked us into the cafeteria.

  "Ah, I have eyes and ears everywhere. I'll tell you in exchange for a kiss." He closed his eyes and puckered his lips.

  I laughed harder and my heart lightened. "Thanks, but I'll leave it top secret."

  He clutched his chest and feigned heartbreak, "Oh, my heart doesn't take rejection from your beautiful lips well."

  We went towards my usual table and I noticed Scott was sat there on his own right away.

  He turned as though he knew I was thinking about him, and caught my eye. He g
lanced from me to Kyle, to his arm around my shoulder and then back to me again.

  “I don’t think Scott likes me touching you.” Kyle whispered.

  Scott smiled and raised a hand in greeting at me.

  He was really trying. Over the last week he’d popped in a few times to check on me and ended up staying until late.

  We had watched movies and he’d cooked for me too while Ash had been busy with classes. I had told him that he didn't have to keep me company but he just said that he was repaying the favour.

  I asked him how he was dealing with his dad's death on one of the nights that Ash was out with Newton again.

  "I'm okay. I miss him. I miss the thought of him being here." He had then looked down at his hands. "It's been hard to accept that all I will ever have of him is memories and his things."

  I put a hand over his, "I'm sorry you lost him. He seemed like a really nice guy."

  He looked at me and smiled faintly. "He was the best and he didn't deserve to go like that — not at his age." He looked sad again. He was looking at me but his eyes were distant, as though he was reliving a memory. After a moment he had snapped back to me. He looked at our joined hands and squeezed as he shook his head. "I miss him so much." His voice broke and I had flinched as he had stood up agitatedly, turning his back to me.

  He was trying so hard to keep his tears in. Tears welled up in my own eyes just watching him but I pushed them back and stood. I went close to him and put my arms around his waist, resting my head against his back which shook with silent sobs.

  I circled around to face him. His jaw was tensed, lips tight and eyes closed tight.

  "Don't." His voice had been a deep, broken appeal and he tried to turn away from me again.

  I cupped his cheeks before he made it, "Scott, it's okay," I had said softly. "It's okay to cry."

  It had been like a dam breaking. He had hauled me into his arms, buried his face in my neck and held on while great powerful sobs racked him. His legs were taken from under him and we both went down to the floor on our knees.

  We had been a heap on the floor and I had held him while he had let his pain out. I had run my hands through his hair and whispered to him while his heart broke for a father that he had loved — that was taken from him so unexpectedly.

  "He didn't deserve to die. He was so fuckin' good." He squeezed me harder, "I must have been a fuckin' disappointment to him but he loved me anyway." He could barely get his words past his lips.

  I pulled away to look at him and wiped his tears. "I see a lot of good in you and so does Ash and Newton and Meg. So don't ever think that."

  His sobs eventually dwindled and he was quiet for a long time. We moved to the sofa where he laid his head in my lap. I stroked his dark, silky hair until we both fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone and a blanket had been tucked carefully around me.

  “Don’t be silly, he doesn’t care one way or the other, he’s probably having an off day.” I knew different but I wanted to save Scott’s face. I felt protective of him. He’d been through enough and he was alone in the world with no family. I couldn't imagine how he felt.

  I moved away from Kyle and he dropped his arm with a frown, “So, you are worried what he thinks.”

  “Not at all. Um… about tonight — I’ll be there. What time shall I meet you?” he didn't notice my swift change of subject.

  “I’ll pick you up on the way. Nine okay with you?”

  “I’ll see you at nine.” I smiled widely at him.

  I walked over to where Scott was sat and plopped myself down next to him.

  “Hey, you okay?” I asked as I nudged his shoulder with mine.

  “Yeah. Good morning, babe?” he smiled but it barely touched his eyes.

  “Yeah, beats being stuck at home.”

  “What did Kyle want?” he nodded in Kyle’s direction.

  “He wants me to go to Soundz tonight since I haven't been out in a while.” I hoped he didn't think it was a date.

  “Don't you think you should take it easy for a while longer?” he was frowning.

  “I feel fine and I want to get out of the apartment.”

  He looked down at his hands.

  Speaking of getting out of the house, “When are you starting with the band again? Macy’s isn't the same without you.” I smiled.

  “Tomorrow night; a two hour rehearsal before to blow away the cobwebs first.”

  <“What cobwebs? Scott, you were born to play and sing.”

  He smiled and when he did his eyes twinkled this time. “Come and watch and you’ll see how rusty I am.”

  “Fine, but you don’t have anything to worry about. Have you got the tour all sorted?” I didn't want him to go away for three months while he toured. I selfishly wanted him to stay. I was going to miss the hell out of him.

  "Yeah, we leave in about two weeks." He didn't look excited about it.

  "Oh." I smiled.

  “So, who else is going tonight?”

  Uh oh! “I’m not sure, he said a bunch of them are going.”

  He nodded and looked away, his jaw hardened.

  I put my hand on his arm, “Scott, Kyle and I are just friends.”

  He looked at my hand before looking at me. “You don't need to explain shit to me, Emma, I can handle it.”

  I tilted my head close to his, “I wanted to.” I said in a low voice.

  He looked at me. A crease appeared between his brows and his head went to the side as he let his gaze hold mine. His pupils grew and his eyes morphed into inky pools of want. His lips parted a little and my eyes followed. My breath faltered, the desire in his eyes was so raw and intense that I gasped as a twinge of need throbbed between my legs.

  Scott’s jaw clenched and his chair scraped back noisily as he stood.

  “Gotta go, see you later.” He grabbed his bag and left.

  The familiar noise from the cafeteria came rushing back as I watched him rush out the door. I looked down at my hands, why did he leave like that? It was as though I had scared him.

  My face heated as I shifted in my chair to try to put out the desire that Scott had ignited down there. He was turning me on with a bloody look now, what was wrong with me? I wasn't that desperate, was I? I pulled my lunch out of my bag, I wasn't hungry now but I had to look after myself after what had happened, I didn't want to get sick ever again.

  ƀ

  Chapter Thirty-five

  “Are you sure you don't want to come with?” I asked Ash as I got ready. I was wearing my black skinny jeans with a pair of heels and a deep red halter top. I left my hair curly and down, it fell down my back past my bra strap. A bit of make-up and some kohl finished the look.

  “No, Newton’s coming round to give me a hand to pack but he'll probably end up watching me.” She watched me get ready as she sucked on a lollipop.

  “I’ll have to make a start on my stuff soon, it should only take a night to do.”

  She nodded.

  There was a knock on the door, “That'll be newton.” She jumped up and bounded to the door like an excited puppy.

  I envied her. She had someone that she loved. She wasn’t afraid to jump in, but then I suppose Newton was never a womaniser. He was a decent guy for Ash and she loved him to bits.

  My mind wandered back to earlier. Going over — more like fantasising — what happened for the hundredth time today, I still couldn't figure out why he had left like that.

  I remembered his eyes, the hunger in them and closed my eyes as I let myself dream what it would be like to be with him. I knew he’d be good in bed, he had had enough practise. My eyes opened as I thought about all the girls he had been with. I didn't want to go there. That road hurt too much.

  “Emma!” Ash was shouting, “Kyle’s here!”

  Then it hit me. I hadn't seen Scott with anyone since I got ill.

  For the first time in ages I was having a good time. I was dancing with Kyle and it felt wonderful to be out. He had that special something that so
me people have. They have the ability to light a room and the people in it up. Right now, a warm tingly feeling erupted inside me making me throw my head back and laugh whole-heartedly.

  He pulled me into him and bent to my ear, “Drink?”

  I nodded.

  He went to the bar and left me dancing. I had a funny feeling that I was being watched for the second time since I got here but I ignored it. Guys tried to dance with me but I brushed them off. I didn't want to know. I just wanted to have fun with my friend for once without having to think about guys.

  I let myself go and moved my body as though it was only me and I was back home, in my room, dancing in front of my mirror. The music was good tonight and reminded me of the happier times I had back home. The deejay played new and old together which could get anyone moving.

  “Here.”

  I whirled around and found Kyle holding two shots for me.

  I thanked him with a smile and a cheeky wink and downed them one after another. He then took them from me and slipped a bottle of water into my hand making me pout.