Across The River

by Jeanie P Johnson

  In all our play, and all our exploring the other’s body, Wolf never tried to kiss me. I hadn’t even thought about it. I thought of him as merely someone that I felt completely uninhibited around. Someone I must be careful to please in every way so we would remain friends. Then, one day, as we splashed in the stream, and Jamie was on the shore occupying himself with practicing shooting arrows against a tree, Wolf collapsed on top of me in the water as we played. I squirmed and squealed as he laughed down at me, holding my hands over my head in the shallow water. His long strip of hair dripped from his shoulder onto my face and his dark eyes sparkled down at me. Then I realized he was lowering his face to mine.

  Wolf’s lips captured mine, and the moment our lips touched, a totally new sensation spread throughout my body. An unexplainable warmth filled me, spreading out and taking over my senses. I had not expected his kiss to affect me that way. I had never thought about him kissing me or me kissing him. All our touching had been about discovering our differences and making each other’s breath catch while attempting all the ways we could create that outcome. Now, there was something totally different about the way Wolf was touching me at the moment.

  I could tell he felt it too. His mouth could not seem to be satisfied as he continued to suck up my breath and plunder my mouth, wanting something more than the act offered. The feel of his tongue touching mine, caused excitement to leap to the surface. I welcomed the new sensation, opening to his seeking mouth. The need of his mouth landed upon my breast, which had never happened before until now. We had only touched each other with our hands. Now his needing went beyond each breast as his lips wandered over the rest of my body, while I lay half submerged in the water. I started discovering even something more beyond touching. I was learning how Wolf’s lips felt against my shivering skin, creating more shivers to rise and fall at his touch. I wanted his lips on me, as he began to further his own education in how his lips could affect me.

  In that moment in time, we seemed more than bonded. In my confused mind, I felt I was destined to become Wolf’s wife, regardless of what I felt or thought, or whether I loved him or not. It wouldn’t seem right doing this with anyone else, I reasoned. The problem was, I did not understand his language, and now that the Frenchman was gone, I had no one to translate for me. I could only go by the way Wolf looked at me or acted towards me. Sometimes, that didn’t tell me a lot. For all I knew, this was the way young braves prepared themselves for whatever wife they chose. After all, I was a mere white girl and his captive. He could do whatever he pleased with me, even raping me if he chose. So far, that had not happened and I hoped it remained that way.

  In the middle of this unexpected madness, which created a need beyond my expectations or understanding, Wolf suddenly pushed me away from him and stood in the stream, looking down at me, with a strange look in his eyes. I could not read his expression. His eyes looked excited, yet there was something else he was shielding in his gaze. He shook the water from his hair, touching his lips as though he could not understand the feel of our previous exchange. I watched him shake his head, and then he let out a blood curdling scream, and stomped out of the water, onto the shore, splashing water as he went.

  I lay there feeling totally confused and guilty. I had done something that had angered him, I concluded. I had not pleased him the way he expected me to, and now he was angry with me! How would I know what I had done that was so unforgivable that he didn’t even want to look at me, I wondered? The language barrier stood between us. How would I ever discover it?

  After the incident in the stream, Wolf started acting decidedly distant. At first, I thought the activity would bond us even more, only apparently, Wolf did not feel the same way. For the first time since that first night I lay beside him, he did not touch me or wake me in the night to satisfy his needs. Had I been a virtuous girl, I would have been relieved that Wolf no longer wanted to use me in that manner. Only I had enjoyed it. I had looked forward to it. It was a shared experience, not a demand, I reasoned. Now he was withholding his touch, as though to punish me in some way. I kept going over everything we had done in the stream, up to the moment he pushed me from him, wondering what unacceptable mistake I had made, which had angered him? Only my state of inexperience gave me no clue. I couldn’t talk to him and ask him what was wrong, so instead, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, trying to show him I hadn’t minded what had happened in the stream, and I had enjoyed his kisses. He took my shoulders and held me from him. Then he got up and went a distance away and laid down another blanket for himself. He didn’t want me near him any longer and it was like a slap in my face!

  It started to dawn on me, Wolf was starting to tire of the plaything I had become. Now he seemed to have no more use for me. I had served my purpose. When we reached his village he may not even want me for his wife. The thought frightened me. For the first time since we started the journey, I felt myself dissolving into tears. I had been brave about everything else. I never shed a tear when my parents and brother were killed, for fear it would show weakness and I would be killed too. Only now, I had lost the desire to live. If Wolf didn’t want to touch me or be near me anymore, he could kill me for all I cared. He had become my strength and someone to lean on. Now he didn’t even want me near him!

  I pictured him carrying my scalp with him, combing my hair whenever he pleased, thinking about how he had touched me, and then remembering whatever it was that I did to anger him, and being happy he had scalped me.

  When we woke, Wolf packed everything up before I even started to fix breakfast. He was not only going to punish me by not sleeping next to me, but he was not going to allow us to eat either. Even Jamie had to suffer for my misconduct, whatever it had been. What had I done wrong, I kept asking myself?

  Wolf did not put his hand on my shoulder as we walked. He did not look over at me and smile. We hadn’t even taken a bath in the stream we were following. He just walked stoically in front of me, while Jamie and I followed.

  “Why is Took-seat angry?” Jamie asked me. “He won’t even look at us, and we didn’t have breakfast this morning.”

  I shrugged. What could I say? I was as uninformed as he was. We didn’t stop until evening and Wolf indicated for me to start cooking the meal. I was so tired and hungry, it was an effort to cook. While I was cooking, Wolf went out and took his bath. It was his way of keeping me from bathing with him, I thought. I was busy doing something else, so I couldn’t join him, and he was not going to wait until we were finished eating like he used to do in the past. Jamie joined him, though, and I glanced up from time to time, watching them frolicking together, wishing I could join them too. A dark sadness started to settle over me. My relationship with Wolf would never be the same again, I had to admit.

  When the meal was over, I went out and bathed by myself. By the time I came back to the campsite, Wolf was curled up on his own blanket, and my blanket was laid out a few feet away. I picked my blanket up, wrapping it around my shoulders as I shivered, not at the cold, but at being rejected, and wandered away from the campsite, following back the way we had come.

  After I got tired of walking, I put my blanket under a tree and cried myself to sleep, as I lay against a bed of leaves. Whatever I had done had ruined what strange friendship that had started to grow between Wolf and myself. When we reached the village, I would not know anyone. I wouldn’t be able to speak the language. I would be lonelier than ever. I had already lost my whole family. I couldn’t think of a single reason to carry on. In the past, I had not tried to escape because I feared I would be killed, only now my will to survive was weakened. Wolf could kill me if he wished, I told myself. In fact, I wanted him to kill me so I could join my family again.

  I thought briefly that he may even rape me first, but even that thought did not alarm me. I just wanted my misery to end. The death of my family, along with the long journey and everything that had transpired on it, was taking its toll. I was so exhausted, that once I sank down upon my blanket
, I fell immediately to sleep.

  The next morning, I could hear someone calling my name. It had been so long since anyone used my name, my own name sounded foreign to me. I thought it was a bird in the tree top, squawking some unexpected song. I recognized Jamie’s high pitched voice calling me, and then I heard another lower-sounding voice calling my name. The way he called to me had a strange sound to it. The pronunciation was unusual, and I realized it was Wolf mimicking my name the same way Jamie was calling me. It dawned on me Wolf had never called me by my name before. Why was he even bothering? Why didn’t he just go on without me? He had totally lost interest in me, so why did he want me to keep going with him?

  I sat, trying to decide if I should let them know where I was? If I tried to return to Philadelphia, I had no food. I could probably find enough wild things to eat along the way, but it was a long distance back. If I went with Wolf, my future was uncertain. I thought because Wolf and I had started to become friends, he would make it easy for me to assimilate into his tribe. Now I wasn’t certain he would be my friend or ally. Only he was going to the trouble of looking for me. He must be worried about me, in spite of what I may have done unintentionally, to anger him.

  I finally gave in and decided to let them know where I was, hoping Wolf would forgive me. Maybe seeing how much he had upset me, he would forget about what I had done and everything would go back to the way it had been before.

  “I’m here!” I called, at last.

  “Candice!” Jamie exclaimed when he got to me. “Why did you run off? All this time I have been begging you to take me with you and escape, and now you run off by yourself!”

  A moment later, Wolf was standing behind Jamie, before I could respond. The look in his eyes frightened me. They did not look worried. They looked angry!

  He said some harsh words to me in his own language, as though he was scolding me. Judging by the tone of his voice, I was in big trouble. Then, the next thing I knew, he had taken out a leather thong and was tying my wrists together, connecting the end of it to his own wrist. I was shocked! He was now treating me like a prisoner!

  He gave a yank on the line, causing me to stumble forward, not looking over his shoulder at me or seeming to care how I felt.

  “You shouldn’t have done that, Candice,” Jamie hissed. “Now Wolf is angry at you! We were getting along just fine before you took off!”

  Only we had not been getting along just fine, I thought. Jamie just hadn’t been aware of the kind of friendship Wolf had decided to shrug off, and now, not only was I no longer Wolf’s friend, but I was his prisoner, instead!

  Another day went by without me eating, but that evening, when Wolf set up camp, I refused to cook. He could cook his own food if he was going to treat me so mean, I decided. This only made him angrier and he pushed me toward the supplies pointing to the fire he had built and demanded in his own language that I fix the food. I merely folded my arms over my chest and glared at him. In response, he grabbed the sash of my breech-cloth, letting it fall to the ground, then picked me up and took me out to the stream and dumped me in it.

  I saw him return to the fire, and my eyes widened as I saw him toss my breech-cloth into the flames. It was like he was withdrawing his offer to make me like the rest of his tribe, the way the Frenchman explained. He did not even want me to wear their custom clothing. He was going to humiliate me by making me travel without anything on my body as though I was nobody and didn’t deserve to have anything to wear. It was bad enough that I had to forgo my top but this was the crowning blow! I remained in the stream, refusing to come to shore. When Wolf saw I was not going to come out, he came and picked me up, placed me on my blanket, tied my hands and feet, and then tossed another blanket over me. He gave me one dismissive glare and went back to cooking the meal himself. It appeared I was not going to get anything to eat that day. However, I wasn’t hungry. I vowed not to eat again or take anything that Wolf offered me.

  The next morning, I could smell the food cooking, but still, Wolf did not come over to offer me anything to eat. He must think he could starve me into submission, but I was not impressed. I wasn’t planning on eating even if he had offered me food.

  After he packed everything up, he untied my feet, but I refused to get up. Wolf yelled at me, only I ignored him. He pulled me to my feet, but I sat right back down again. Screaming at him about what a horrible person he was! He had killed my family and now he was punishing me for something I didn’t even know I had done wrong! I told him I hoped he died a painful death like my aunt had, and that poor man they dismembered in front of his wife. He was nothing but a filthy heathen, and no amount of pleasing me would ever make me become his friend again, I resolved in bitter language, which caused Jamie to go pale, as I continued calling Wolf every filthy name I could think of. Out of exasperation, Wolf scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder, and continued to walk on, ignoring my continued screams.

  I was amazed at Wolf’s strength. He walked along as though he was not carrying an extra load on top of the supplies he had slung over his other shoulder. Jamie carried the blankets. He looked worriedly at me and kept begging me to do what Wolf wanted, but I had already decided to resist. I would never cooperate with Wolf again, I resolved.

  I was surprised that Wolf didn’t just beat me, or rape me, or outright kill me, but he didn’t. He was angry, yet he was as stubborn as I was and determined that I end up in his village, regardless of how he managed to get me there.

  That night, he offered me food, but I refused. Wolf merely shrugged and ate my portion. I was already tied up, and he gave me one long look before he went over to where his blanket was. As he slept, I used my teeth and pulled at the knots on my wrist. The knots had been pulled tight and my damp mouth made the leather slippery and hard to manage, but I would not give up. At last, I managed to get them loose. Then I hastily untied my feet. I took the blanket and tied it around my waist with one of the leather thongs. Without a second thought or feeling of concern, I quietly started taking some of the food and putting it in a separate bag, as I watched to make sure Wolf did not wake up. Slowly, I backed out of the camp and started heading back down the trail in the direction we had come once again.

  I was feeling elated that I had successfully escaped from Wolf, for the second time, when I was brought up short by someone grabbing my wrist. I had not escaped after all. Wolf dragged me back, and this time, he tied my wrist to his wrist and pulled me down beside him. He let me keep my blanket skirt on, though. He turned his back to me, forcing my arm to be pulled over his back, as he did so. I was next to him again, but not the way I had been used to. His indifference to me hurt, but I started reminding myself he was the man who killed my family without a thought, and then made me think he was turning into a friend, merely to trick me into allowing him access to my body without me fighting him off. What did I expect? You couldn’t love an Indian. You couldn’t even like one, I decided.

  The next morning, Wolf released the tie to my blanket. He released the tie to his breech-cloth as well. Then he pulled me out to the stream and bathed indifferently beside me. I merely sat down in the stream and watched him. Soon, he was dragging me back to shore. He gave me a stabbing glare as he pulled me behind a tree, and placed my free hand on him, indicating in no uncertain terms what he expected me to do.

  At first, I balked. For the first time, since I had been with Wolf, he slapped me across the face, spitting out unintelligible Indian words at me, grabbing my wrist as he demanded my obedience. I did as he asked, while tears streaked down my face. I was not sure if it was because of the pain of the slap, the fact that Wolf was now demeaning me by forcing my services, or that I felt he would never pretend to be my friend again?

  When I was finished, he walked over and replaced his breech-cloth. Then he pulled me with him as he began to fix the morning meal. When I refused any food, it didn’t seem to phase him. He merely shrugged, indicated to Jamie he wanted him to clean up everything, and started packing up our suppli
es, as I was forced to follow closely beside him.

  He did not return my blanket, and I walked beside him, wearing nothing but moccasins. I did not know it, but that was the last day I would spend on the trail with Wolf. By early evening, we had reached his village.

  The village was a permanent residence for the Lenape Indians. The lodges were built to remain and not be moved around like many other nomadic tribes did. Their, homes were made in dome-shapes, some long and some round, which they called wigwams. When we arrived, there was a group building one of the smaller, round houses. We paused and watched, as a group of men pushed a circle of poles into the ground and then bent them over one another to make a domed frame, which later would be covered with sheets of bark, skins or woven rush mats. We continued on, watching others going about their daily activities, barely looking up, when Wolf brought us there.

  Beyond the village were fields of corn, squash, and beans, along with other plants they grew to sustain themselves. It could have easily been a white man’s crude village, except for the fact that the houses were built differently and only Indians dwelled there.

  Wolf brought me to a woman, standing in front of a long dome house, dressed only in a breech-cloth with beads around her neck. Her face brightened, as she threw her arms around Wolf’s neck. I assumed this woman was Wolf’s mother and I remembered what the Frenchman had said about families remaining with their mother, even after they became married.

  If Wolf had wanted me for his wife, and I was from another village, he would have had to go to my mother’s house. Only I was supposedly going to become part of his own village, so I assumed. Since I happened to be his property, even if I wasn’t his wife, it stood to reason I would stay with him and his mother. It seemed Jamie would be staying there as well.