Pride and Porters

by Charlotte Greene

  “Thank you for saying that,” Erin finally said.

  “I know it doesn’t do Jen or Charlie any good, but I couldn’t take it if you thought of me that way anymore. I’m so sorry.”

  Erin pulled on one of Darcy’s hands, and a moment later they were hugging, fiercely. The scent of her perfume, that light, citrusy odor, filled Erin’s nose again, and she inhaled, deeply, as if for the last time. And it would have to be the last time—Erin knew that. The whole situation was too confused now to salvage. She was glad it was ending this way, though, with some of the hurt feelings behind them.

  Darcy pulled away a little, still holding her, and met her eyes, and suddenly Erin’s decision a moment before seemed ridiculous. Darcy’s eyes were shining, happy, and Erin didn’t want to give this up. Even if it would be better for everyone—Jen, Charlie, Darcy, and herself—she wanted to hold on to this woman, maybe forever. Despite the dim light, she saw Darcy’s eyes start to shine, as if she too were thinking precisely the same thing.

  The kiss nearly undid her. Darcy’s lips were soft at first, and then, meeting no resistance, they became more and more insistent. Erin’s knees threatened to unhinge, and she grabbed Darcy’s shoulders in order to kiss her back and not fall to the floor. Darcy grabbed Erin’s waist and squeezed her closer, as if trying to pull her inside. It was a long time before Erin pulled away for air, and when she did, she thought at first that Darcy was angry. A moment later, however, she realized her expression was actually something like hunger. The thought sent fluttering waves of heat coursing through her veins, and she had to make herself step back and away or risk letting go.

  “Darcy, I—”

  Darcy shook her head and raised a hand. “It’s okay. I understand. I shouldn’t have kissed you again.”

  Erin touched her arm. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Darcy. I like kissing you—maybe more than you know. But doing this here, now…It’s not the right time.”

  Darcy laughed and then touched her face. “You mean you think we shouldn’t make out at my little sister’s birthday party?” Her fingers were warm and soft, and they sent shivers of pleasure racing up and down Erin’s back.

  Erin laughed and took her hand in hers. “Well, that too, yes. What I meant is that, well, with Jen and everything…I’m just not sure how she’d take it. I mean if she knew you and I were seeing each other. I haven’t told her anything, and I don’t like hiding things from her. I’ve already lied to her too much, and it’s making me feel like a complete jerk. I just can’t make it worse than it already is.”

  Darcy released Erin’s hand before taking a step away. “It’s okay, Erin. I understand. I blew it.”

  “You didn’t ‘blow it,’ Darcy. It’s just—”

  “Believe me, Erin. I blew it. I have to live with that now, and again, I’m sorry.”

  Erin opened her mouth to argue again but closed it. Despite wanting to reassure her, Erin knew what Darcy said was true. They couldn’t do anything about their situation now. What might have been had died weeks ago.

  They continued to stare at each other, and once again Erin almost gave in. She wanted this woman, and when she was younger, she would have taken what she wanted, consequences be damned. Even now, old enough to know better, she nearly closed the distance between them again. The nagging reminder of her older sister stopped her. Jen was so brokenhearted that she couldn’t be here tonight. This thought stopped Erin from making what would undoubtedly be a mistake, and she turned away to gaze out the window again.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Darcy still looking at her, but before long, she let out a sigh and joined Erin at the window. Once again, her shoulder was close enough to Erin’s that she could feel the warmth of her skin, and she had to suppress a shudder of longing. Erin wasn’t really seeing anything besides her own reflection. She was so rattled she could barely think straight. She needed to get out of here.

  Desperate for an excuse, she was about to invent a reason to leave the room when her phone in her pocket rang.

  “Sorry,” she said after she pulled it out. “It’s Jen.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Go ahead,” Darcy said, and took a few steps away.

  “Hello?”

  After a long pause, then Erin heard sobbing on the other end of the line.

  “Jen? Are you there? What’s going on?”

  Jen snuffled a little, took a deep breath, and started sobbing again.

  “Jen? What is it? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Dad okay?”

  “It-it’s not us,” Jen said, choking on her words.

  “Then what is it? Is someone hurt?”

  It took Jen a moment to calm down enough to talk again. “It’s Lydia, Erin. She’s in trouble.”

  “Trouble? What kind of trouble?”

  She was dimly aware of Darcy coming closer at this point, but she was too focused on the phone to look at her.

  Jen was sobbing again, too upset to talk, and a moment later their father was on the line. “Sorry, Erin, it’s your dad. Jen can’t talk.”

  “What’s happened, Dad?”

  “Lydia is in some big trouble out in California. She was at the scene of a crime.”

  “What?” Erin shouted.

  “The private investigator I hired managed to find some leads, first in Las Vegas and then in Southern California. The trail went cold for a while, but he’s been circulating her photo among his connections down there until he finally found something. A cop friend of his found some video footage of a gas-station burglary just outside of Los Angeles. Your sister was there.”

  “She robbed someone?”

  “She didn’t, but her boyfriend did. Still, she could be considered an accessory.”

  Erin had moved closer to the piano and found herself sitting down, hard, on the bench. She put a hand to her mouth, so horrified she thought she might scream.

  “Is she in jail?”

  “No. They’re on the run, and the police are hunting them. We’re still looking for her. If we find them first, we might be able to convince them to turn themselves in. Maybe the cops will be more forgiving that way. I’m going to fly out to California tonight and help the investigators. I can’t take just waiting around.”

  “I’ll come too,” Erin said, and got to her feet.

  “No, honey, please don’t. Jen needs you more than I do right now. Can you come home? I don’t want to leave her here alone.”

  “Of course. Whatever she needs.”

  “Thanks, Erin. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  They hung up, and Erin burst into tears. Darcy was there in seconds, pulling her into an embrace. She let Erin cry without saying anything, simply soothing her. Erin finally got control of herself and stepped away.

  “Thanks, Darcy. Sorry for crying all over you.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “Could you go get my aunt for me? It’s about my little sister—Lydia. I don’t think I can go downstairs with all those people right now.”

  “Of course.”

  Erin was left alone for a moment, and she took the opportunity to turn on the lights. By the time her aunt joined her, she’d managed to calm down considerably, but Eddie was clearly upset at her appearance. They walked directly toward each other and gave each other a long, solid hug.

  Darcy was hovering in the doorway, and Erin motioned her in. “Come on, Darcy. It won’t be a secret for long, and the least I can do is let you know why we have to leave.”

  Eddie seemed surprised but said nothing. Darcy and Eddie were both waiting, expectantly, with a similar worried expression in their eyes. Her voice was caught in her throat, and she opened her mouth several times to speak, but nothing came out.

  Eddie prompted her. “Darcy said it was something about Lydia?”

  Erin nodded, surprised to be tearing up again. Darcy reached out a hand and Erin took it, squeezing it gratefully. Eddie raised her eyebrows at this exchange but said nothing.

  Erin took a deep breath and l
et it out. “Lydia was seen in California. She’s on video while her boyfriend is robbing a gas station. The police are looking for them.”

  She managed to get through this explanation without breaking down, but once she’d finished, she started crying again. This time her aunt held her until she calmed down, and when they finally pulled apart, Darcy had taken a few steps away from them, her expression troubled and upset.

  Darcy shook her head, now clearly angry. “This is my fault. I should have said something earlier.”

  Erin was stunned. “What do you mean?”

  Darcy met her eyes. “A few days after we met, I saw Lydia and Geo outside of your brewery, in the alley. They were with someone else, and your sister’s boyfriend sold a little bag of something to the third person.”

  “Drugs?” Eddie asked, pale.

  Darcy shrugged. “I can’t be sure, but yes, that’s what it looked like.” She turned to Erin. “I should have said something.”

  Erin shook her head. “It’s okay, Darcy. It’s not your fault. Lydia is constantly making bad decisions. She should have known better.”

  Darcy wouldn’t let it go. “Still, maybe if I’d mentioned it to you—”

  “I would have said you were being nosy,” Erin said, shaking her head. “Really, Darcy, don’t blame yourself.” She looked at her aunt. “Eddie, I have to get back to Loveland. Can I borrow your car?”

  “I’m coming with you,” Eddie said. “We can go right now.”

  Erin turned to Darcy again. “I’m sorry, and please tell your sister we hate to have to leave her party.”

  “I will,” Darcy said, “and no need to apologize to me or to her. She’ll understand.”

  They stared at each other for a long beat before Erin wrenched her eyes away. She was vaguely aware of her aunt saying her own good-byes behind her, but she kept her eyes averted. She didn’t want to look at Darcy anymore. Her aunt and Darcy talked far longer than seemed necessary, just far enough away that Erin couldn’t hear them. She didn’t know what they could possibly be discussing, but strangely, they quickly embraced before Eddie rejoined her. She and her aunt left soon after, rushing downstairs and out into the chilly night.

  Only as they walked the last block to the hotel did Erin realize she might never see Darcy again. But perhaps it was for the best. Even if Jen could recover from the whole nightmare with Charlie, after what had happened with Lydia, Erin couldn’t imagine Darcy being interested in getting involved.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The ride home was a blur of looming dark mountains and snow. Erin drove much too fast for mountain roads at night, but Eddie never suggested that she slow down or take it easier. She too was upset and didn’t seem to notice Erin’s speed. Eddie continued to suggest that everything would be okay, but even she didn’t sound like she believed it. Lydia might very well end up in jail if she was caught.

  They drove straight through without stopping, the usual four-hour ride taking less than three. As they pulled into her driveway, Erin saw her father’s car in front of their house. She parked and saw him coming out the side door, a small suitcase in hand. He appeared surprised to see them and checked his watch before coming over and giving them both a quick hug.

  “You must have flown here!” he said. “We didn’t expect you for another hour at least. I’m glad you’re here, though. I have to go to the airport now, and I didn’t want to leave Jen by herself for long. I tried calling Lottie a while ago but didn’t get any response.”

  “I’m coming with you,” Eddie said.

  Her father’s eyebrows shot up, and then he quickly shook his head. “I can’t let you do that, Eddie. Let me get settled out there, and you can join me later today. After all, you’ve been driving all night. You must be exhausted.”

  “On the contrary—I’m wide awake. And I can do more good with you than staying around here. I have a lot of friends in the hotel business in California, and I can ask them to start looking for Lydia.”

  “Well, I can’t imagine she and Geo staying anyplace you might have written about, Eddie. They’re probably holed up in some bed-bug motel or sleeping under a bridge, for all we know.”

  Eddie shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll find them together.”

  Her father, seeing he couldn’t dissuade her, finally sighed. “Okay, Eddie. I’ll appreciate the company, anyway. Grab your things and we can get going. The least I can do is drive us to the airport.” He turned to Erin. “Like I said earlier, Jen is very upset. Do what you can to keep her calm. I’ll call when we get to California, and I’ll update you as often as I can.”

  All three embraced, and Erin stood in the driveway to watch them leave. Once they’d disappeared down the street, she sighed and went inside.

  Jen stood in the living room, in front of the fireplace. She seemed haggard and tired and was wearing an ill-fitting set of pajamas that hung on her body. She smiled when she saw Erin, and they held each other tightly for a long moment.

  Erin sat down heavily on the sofa, her fatigue finally catching up to her. Jen was clearly hyped up and started pacing.

  “Come on, Jen, sit down. You’re making me nervous.”

  Jen frowned and stopped walking, but she didn’t sit. She shook her head. “I should have done something.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We both noticed something was off with Lydia. I mean, even more than usual. Didn’t you think she’d been acting strange the last few months?”

  “Well, yes, but I couldn’t imagine her getting herself into this kind of trouble.”

  Jen gave her a level stare. “You can be honest, Erin. Didn’t you see any signs that something was going on?”

  Erin opened her mouth to protest and then closed it. She remembered seeing Lydia and Geo together at the Brewers’ Festival in Fort Collins. They’d both been pale and bedraggled. Erin had known something was up, but she’d dismissed her suspicions, thinking maybe they had a hangover. Even after that, Lydia had been acting strangely—secretive and furtive, even for her.

  Jen nodded when she saw Erin hesitate. “Exactly. She’s been missing work—”

  “Which she always does—”

  “She looks terrible—”

  “Which is not exactly something new, either.”

  Jen shook her head. “No, Erin, it was different, and we both knew that.”

  “So what if she was different, Jen? How is that our fault?”

  “We could have done something, said something. Maybe if we’d intervened, she wouldn’t be in this position now.”

  Erin laughed, bitterly. “Do you honestly believe that? Since when has Lydia ever taken our advice?”

  Jen didn’t let it go. “We still should have tried. I’m so mad at myself, I could spit. I’ve been so self-centered, so focused on my own stupid drama, that I let it blind me to a real tragedy taking place right in front of our eyes.”

  Erin sighed and got to her feet. She hugged Jen again, but her sister remained stiff and withdrawn, her eyes dark and worried.

  “Goddamn it, Jen. You can’t blame yourself. Lydia is always doing dumb things and running around with stupid people. She always has. This isn’t anyone’s fault but her own.”

  Jen’s face contorted as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You don’t feel bad for her? For ignoring her?”

  Erin shook her head. “I feel bad, yes, and I’m worried, but I genuinely don’t think we could have done anything before she ran away or stopped her from running away. Anyway—that’s all in the past. We need to worry about what comes next—how to find her and how to help her.”

  Jen was still upset. Her face got paler and paler as she stared at Erin. “You sound heartless, Erin. You know that?”

  “I’m not heartless, Jen. I’m just being realistic. What do you want me to do? Get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness? I don’t think either one of us did anything wrong.”

  “Well, that’s how we differ, I suppose,” Jen said, her voice
icy and quiet. She turned and left the room.

  “Jen!” Erin called. She started to go after her and then stopped. It was rare for Jen to be angry enough to storm out of a room. She needed time to calm down.

  Erin sat down heavily on the sofa again and thought about the conversation they’d just had. Was she being heartless? Was she cruel? She shook her head. If they’d approached Lydia about anything before she ran away, she would have blown up, just like she did Christmas Eve. She might have run away even sooner or done something else equally stupid. Ever since their mother died, Lydia had been one step from falling apart or throwing her whole life away, and it looked like it had finally happened. She needed therapy, not just sympathy and attention.

  Wanting to rest her eyes for a moment, Erin nestled into the sofa, letting the warmth from the fire seep through her. A moment later, she was asleep.

  * * *

  The next few days passed with rigid iciness between Erin and Jen. Jen refused to talk to her and did everything she could to avoid being alone with her. Erin initially tried to be patient. A lot of people coped with sorrow and worry by blaming themselves. Jen had acted very similarly right after their mother died—wishing she could turn back time. Erin coped by being pragmatic, making plans and being realistic. She did what she could to help her father from afar, in addition to keeping up with the search. Jen wanted nothing to do with reality, and after a while, Erin’s annoyance with her turned to anger. Hiding in hurt feelings did no good for anyone, least of all Lydia, and let alone Jen. By the third day of the silent treatment, Erin resented Jen’s pity-party, as it meant Jen didn’t have to do anything but feel guilty.

  Because of the upset with Lydia, they of course missed the announcement of the winners of Western States in Aspen. By the time Erin read the email about it, she’d almost forgotten they’d even been in the running. Two breweries from Oregon were the winner and runner-up—BSB’s porter came in tenth out of eleven states, winning over only Arizona’s entry. In her current mood, she didn’t even bother trying to tell Jen about their loss. She simply forwarded the email to her, and Jen didn’t say a thing about it.