Naked Pictures of Famous People

by Jon Stewart

  In Hanson Sports News, it was a very good year. The Hansons played a very strong schedule, going head to head with the only other Home School Team in the area, the Jurgensons. It was great fun.

  Oh, before I forget, the boys continue with their little music project. They recently played the Devlin County Pan-Asian Wet and Wild Jamboree for Vietnamese Exiles. I don't want to go into too much detail, in this, the season of good tidings, but the crafty little Asian gentleman who organized the fair tried to cheat the boys out of their $50 performance fee. We nearly came to blows over the matter, but eased off when both parties quoted the same piece of foreboding scripture at the same time. I can't say I condone the boys' interest in this pursuit of popular music, but as I always say, "Encouragement is next to Charity, which is next to Faith, which is next to Cleanliness ... and we all know what that's next to."

  Jesus loves you,

  Eileen and Gary Hanson and the Hanson Family

  P.S. Any donations to the charity to help that poor boy in our neighborhood with the cleft lip would be greatly appreciated. We've raised some money, but he still looks odd when he eats in public, which is often. Remember, Charity begins at home, which, as you know, is where we have our school.

  December 25, 1997

  Dear Hanson Super Fan Friends and Family,

  Hey everybody! It's that time of year again! And what an amazing year it's been. I apologize for the Fan Club stationery, but it's all I could find. Normally I would just ask Carmen where she put the newsletter paper, but I gave her the day off. Most of her family is somewhere in South America, but bless her heart, she still seemed set on not working the holiday. Although I'm sure you could make a case that that's when I would need her most.

  I feel bad about the stationery even though I'll bet none of you care. I'll bet you're just impressed that with all the amazing things happening to our family I still make a point of personally sending out the yearly holiday update. I agree! That is exactly what I told Gary, who was of the mind that if you all really need information, you can visit our official Web site like everybody else. But that's crazy. Being stars doesn't mean we can't take the time to stay in touch with our friends and family. By the way, the unofficial sites are not sanctioned and contain a great deal of fabricated information. I can't stress that enough. Our official site has received over two million hits to date!!

  You're probably saying to yourself, "Wow, that must be making them a fortune!" You would think!! Although perhaps you are not taking into consideration a poorly negotiated contract that paid a one-time up-front fee and neglected any back end or merchandising considerations.

  But you know our Gary. I think when the Lord was passing out business acumen, Gary was downstairs getting good hair. Of course you can't tell that to Gary. I guess he figures his year and a half of technical school and previous work experience selling homemade knickknacks at mall art fairs qualifies him to manage a world-famous band.

  A big "I'm sorry" on behalf of Gary, the boys and myself for not being at Ned and Irene's annual family reunion picnic. The girls told Carmen it was a hoot. Unfortunately that was the weekend before the Grammys and as you might imagine we were swamped. While the boys were sad to miss Irene's annual mock apple pie, their dinner with Fiona Apple softened the blow. I had heard through the grapevine that Irene was a little bent out of shape. I'm sure that's not true because Irene and Ned are God-fearing people and very aware that envy is a sin.

  Ooops! Please excuse the sloppy penmanship. I'm jotting this update from the back of a Limousine the boys bought me for Christmas, and the slick leather interior doesn't offer great stability. Lincoln, my driver, and I have developed a very funny joke where he calls me Miss Daisy and I pretend that's my real name.

  Well, enough chatter, I better have Lincoln take me home. The boys and Gary are in Dusseldorf, but Zach still likes me to spend at least six hours a day in his room, cleaning the shag carpet, strand by strand, with my teeth. Anything for my little angel, because, as I always say, I love all my three boys equally.

  It's been a wild year. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways, or as I like to say, "What a long strange trip it's been!"

  Jesus loves us,

  Eileen, Gary, Zach, Taylor and Isaac (collectively known as Hanson)

  P.S. You can stop sending money for the gimp boy with the Cleft Lip. It turns out we had enough money left over from just one mall show to ship help him and his entire family off to Nebraska.

  December 28, 1999

  To Whom It May Concern,

  HO, HO, HO! Zach has Herpes. There. Are you Happy now? You try controlling an eleven-year-old multimillionaire with a hard-on for strippers. For those of you wondering about last year's newsletter, there wasn't one. If you must know, I was at a retreat in Hazelden, Minnesota, and they didn't allow pens, pencils or any other sharp implements for that matter. It's been quite a ride...quite a...I sit here, alone in my Hotel suite. Pen in one hand, bottle of Glenlivet in the other. A gun at my feet. Darkness all around me...

  First of all, to all you Nosy Parkers in the crowd. I did not embezzle money from my family, I don't give a rat's ass what that judge says. I am their manager...co-manager...was their co-manager. I had every right to that money. I gave birth to those boys. What did Gary do? His three minutes of dirty business? Foreplay?! Please. Whispering "The Bible says be Fruitful and Multiply" before ejaculating and passing out isn't foreplay. Seven times I allowed that man to sully me ... seven times.

  I'm tired...so very tired. Someone had to have some fiscal responsibility. Christ! Do you know what Taylor and Isaac did on their big "Africa Tour"? Sat in a hotel restaurant ordering Lasagna made from 1,000-dollar bills and White Tiger's Blood. Not all the time, of course. No, sometimes they would lock themselves in their hotel rooms doing what looked and tasted like high-grade Brazilian Heroin. Where was their father, you might ask? Oh I don't know, maybe shacked up in some Backwater Indonesian Fuckee Suckee bar. Maybe it's just me, but I still believe in a thing called Statutory Rape Laws.

  You think I'm bitter? You think I'm beaten? You think I might take the pills I have in my hand, wash them down with Scotch and glide off into a world of euphoria where all my pain will cease? HA! No, this old girl has some fight in her yet. Believe it!! I know things. Things that would be worth a lot of money if they got out. And not the usual bullshit, the "Taylor is fucking Naomi Campbell" shit. I could put a lot of people in jail ... Think I'm bluffing? Try me ... I dare you ... I ... I miss my angels. I just want to talk to them. To tell them Mommy loves them ... to ... tell them ... I could fucking kill Gary with my bare hands and not blink. I could stare into his eyes as he begged for my mercy and forgiveness and I could snuff out his life and then go back to my lunch as though nothing happened.

  I miss them so much. Do they care? Of course not. Hey, some crude garage mix of the little bastards rehearsing Christmas music just went to No. 1 on the Holiday Charts. Think Kenny G is choking on his own cock over that one? I believe these tiny ingrates, who I gave life to, could sing into a bag of their own shit and ten million girls whose life ambition is to someday get breast implants would spend their hard-earned abortion money just to cradle it in their arms.

  But hey! It was a great run, huh? Better to burn out than fade away! What do I care? I still have more money than any of you will ever have in a lifetime of being paid by the government not to grow corn.

  Merry Fucking Christmas,

  God is dead,

  Eileen Hanson

  LACK OF POWER: THE FORD TAPES

  THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATIONS were transcribed from tapes made during the presidential administration of Gerald R. Ford. The tapes were recorded on a voice-activated taping system first installed in the 'White House Oval Office in 1971 by Richard Nixon, to preserve his administration for historical purposes. Nixon would, in later years, refer to the move as "a huge fuckup." The Ford tapes are permanently housed at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Foundation and Archives, known colloquially as his son Ja
ck's garage. They are in the box next to the pan of used motor oil. While a majority of the collection has since been taped over with Grateful Dead bootlegs, the remaining tapes offer great insight into the almost two and a half years our thirty-eighth president spent in office.

  Historians remain mixed in their judgment of Ford's 20 NAKED PICTURES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE presidency, some not remembering that Ford was ever president, others saying, "The guy who makes the cars?" Although this dispute may never be settled, Gerald R. Ford remains the only living president to appear in Disneyland's Hall of Presidents, as himself. Four days a week, two shows a day, with three weeks off in winter, or as it is sometimes known, the slow season."

  CAST OF CHARACTERS

  Gerald R. Ford President

  Betty Ford First Lady

  Leonid Brezhnev Russian Premier

  Dick Cheney Ford Chief of Staff

  Al Haig Nixon Chief of Staff

  Jack Hushen Press Secretary

  Henry Kissinger Secretary of State

  Nelson Rockefeller Vice President

  Donald Rumsfeld Secretary of Defense

  Javier Sanchez Steward

  AUGUST 10, 1974: The President, Javier Sanchez 10:12-10:37 A.M., OVAL OFFICE

  Newly sworn-in President Ford has been president for less than a day. A nation looks to Ford to restore the dignity and honor of a tarnished office. Javier Sanchez, a White House steward for twenty-three years, shares a moment with the new president on this very difficult day.

  (There are rustling noises, as though searching for something.)

  FORD: Oh, MissJuly ... I know the old man keeps you in here somewhere ... Pretty, pretty Miss July ...

  (A door opens.)

  SANCHEZ: Oh ... I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you—

  (A drawer slams shut.)

  FORD: No, No. Sanchez, please come in. I was just ... you know there's never a stapler when you ... Oh ... (laughs) here it is ... damn stapler. Gotta staple some ... staplings.

  A SANCHEZ: Yes, Mr. President ...

  FORD: No, no, no. Mr. President must never know I was in here. Is that clear? (There is a pause.) No tellie Nixon. (Louder) NO TELLIE EL PRESIDENTE COMPRENDE? Ten dollars for Sanchez. No tellie Presidente.

  SANCHEZ: Okay, sir.

  FORD: Good, Sanchez ... very bien. SANCHEZ: But you're the president now.

  FORD: Yes, yes (laughs). Yes, Sanchez. (Slowly) I'm the—President—and—Mr.—Nixon—can—neverknow—I—was—in—here. Okay? Ten dollars. Sanchez good. Ford good. Nixon bad ... Nixon mean.

  SANCHEZ: President Nixon resigned two days ago, sir. You were sworn in as president yesterday.

  FORD: That's impossible, Sanchez. I just saw Nixon two days ago and if he resigned who's the Pres—Wait a minute. Yesterday ... the party. With that nice man in the black robe.

  SANCHEZ: Chief Justice Burger. He swore you in.

  FORD: Well, I'll be a sonofabitch. So that's why we had that yummy cake. I thought it might have been my birthday, but that was in 1913. So, I'm the president ...

  (There is a long silence, followed by snoring.)

  SEPTEMBER 15, 1979: The President, Al Haig, Henry Kissinger 2:34-2:36 P.M., OVAL OFFICE

  The two remaining White House employees who still support the previous administration, Haig and Kissinger, fight to convince Ford to sign a full pardon for Nixon and begin the healing process over Watergate.

  (The rustling of paper.)

  FORD: (laughs) Oh, Charlie Brown ... When will you learn?

  (A door opens.)

  KISSINGER: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

  FORD: Hey, Mr. Kissinger. Mr. Haig. Good morning. C'mon in. How are you? Want some juice? (A glass breaks.) Damnit.

  HMG: Mr. President, would you sign this please?

  (Papers rustling, followed by a short silence.)

  FORD: I can't sign this.

  KISSINGER: I told you, Al. He—

  HAIG: Mr. President, the nation needs—

  FORD: I don't have a pen ... I had one, but Betty took it away. Did you know that pens fit almost perfectly in your eye?

  KISSINGER: You can use my pen.

  FORD: Seriously? (whistles) That's a beauty. What kind of pen is that?

  KISSINGER: Um, I believe it is a Cross pen.

  FORD: It looks like it's made of gold. They must pay you a pretty penny where you work if you can afford a pen made of gold.

  KISSINGER: I think it's gold-plated.

  HMG: Mr. President, if you could just sign on this line.

  (Long silence.)

  FORD: This sure is some pen.

  (Long silence.)

  HAIG: Let him have the pen, Hank.

  KISSINGER: But . . .

  FORD: You don't need it? I mean I love the pen, but if, you know, you need it, well ...

  HAIG: Hank ...

  KISSINGER: Oh, all right. Mr. President, would you like to keep the pen?

  FORD: Are you serious? Wow. That's super. I really-I don't know what to say. This is some beauty.

  HAIG: Mr. President?

  FORD: Right, right. This paper? HAIG: Yes.

  FORD: Okay. Here we go. Signing my name. Here we go ... (Silence.) Urn, could you hand me that thing?

  KISSINGER: What?

  FORD: The nameplate. The long thingie sitting on the front of the desk.

  HAIG: This?

  FORD: Does it have my name on it? HAIG: Yes.

  FORD: That's the one. Thank you. Okay. Here we go. Capital G, little e, it's okay if I print, right?

  HAIG: Fine.

  FORD: Man, this baby handles like a dream (unintelligible). Did you know both my names end in d?

  HAIG: I did not, but thank you, sir. (Papers rustling.) Good day.

  FORD: No, thank you.

  KISSINGER: (quietly) Al, you had no right giving him ...

  (A door closes.)

  FORD: Suckers. This little golden beauty .. Ahhhhh! My eye!

  MAY 12, 1975: The President

  The USS Mayagüez has been captured in international waters by the Cambodian government. There has been no contact with the ship since its Mayday signal and the fate of the crew rests solely on the shoulders of our thirty-eighth president. Here Gerald R. Ford ponders, in solitude, the drama that is before him.

  SEGMENT ONE

  8:11 A.M.—12:47 P.M., OVAL OFFICE

  FORD: (Grunting noises.) C'mon C'mon. (More grunting.) Sonofabitch. Think you're tough huh? (Banging noises, followed by a crash.) Damnit. (Grunting noises.) What the ... (Grunting noises.) C'mon. (More grunting, doors slamming repeatedly, followed by banging, a very long silence.) C'mon. (Heavy breathing, long silence.)

  SEGMENT TW0

  12:47-6:23 P.M., OVAL OFFICE

  FORD: (Grunting noises.) C'mon C'mon. (Long silence.) DAMN YOU! (More grunting.) Bastard. (Footsteps walking, getting softer.) All right, let's see what you got. (Footsteps running, getting louder, then a crash.) Goddamnit. You sonofa (More grunting, then fast banging.) Please! . So . . . tired ...

  (A door opens.)

  BETTY FORD: Jerry?

  FORD: Oh, Betty. Thank God you're awake. Can you

  open this?

  BETTY FORD: The Coke? Sure, Toots. (Cracking sound.)

  FORD: Oh my God! Didn't that hurt your mouth? BETTY FORD: Not a problem, sailor.

  FORD: (Gurgling and slurping.) So . . . thirsty.

  JULY 21, 1975: The President, Leonid Brezhnev 1:33-1:42 P.M., WHITE HOUSE RED PHONE

  President Ford attempts to follow up on the historic July 19, 1975, linking up of the American spacecraft Apollo and the Russian craft Soyuz. The mission presents a critical window of diplomatic opportunity for the two opposing world leaders. It also represents the first time Ford seems aware of the taping system.

  (Phone rings . . . and rings. Short silence. Phone rings again.)

  FORD: What? (Phone continues to ring.) Hello? Who's there? Is this some kind of a joke?

  (An object is put down. Phone continues to ring.) Oh! Hello?

/>   BREZHNEV: Hello, Mr. President.

  FORD: Mr. Kissinger, is that you?

  BREZHNEV: No. It's .. .

  FORD: You sound just like Mr. Kissinger. BREZHNEV: It's Chairman Brezhnev.

  FORD: Who?

  BREZHNEV: Brezhnev.

  FORD: All right ...

  (Long silence.)

  BREZHNEV: And uh ... I want to congratulate our countries' successful space mission of detente. It is a great step toward ending this cold war. (Long silence.) And ... uh ... well, I just wanted to say if cooperation between our nations brings such—

  FORD: (Panel being opened.) What the hell is...?

  BREZHNEV: Excuse me?

  FORD: What are these buttons? (A button being pressed. The sound of rewinding, another button press.) "What are these buttons?" Holy shit! That's my voice!

  BREZHNEV: May I inquire what is—

  FORD: I'm sorry, Mr. Kissinger. I'm gonna have to call you later. (A phone hanging up, followed by buttons and rewinding.) "Holy Shit! That's my voice." (laughs) My name is Gerald Ford. (Buttons rewinding.) ". . .call you later. My name is Gerald Ford." (Laughs, a loud belch, buttons, rewinding.) ". . Ford. (Belch)" (Laughs, buttons rewinding.) "(Belch)." (Long laughter.) AND NOW, AT QUARTERBACK, A SIXFOOT ONE INCH SOPHOMORE FROM MICHIGAN ... GERALD FORD! (Loud belch, buttons, rewinding.) "... SOPHOMORE FROM MICHIGAN . . . GERALD FORD! (Loud belch)" (Laughs, singing.) You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a ladies' man, no rhyme or chalk. (Buttons, rewinding, buttons.) ". . . man, no rhyme or chalk." (Laughs.)

  OCTOBER I, 1976: The President, Dick Cheney, Jack Hushen, Nelson Rockefeller, Donald Rumsfeld 9:15-11:30 A.M., OVAL OFFICE

  The president, with the consultation of his cabinet, discusses strategy for the upcoming debate with Democratic nominee Jimmy Carter. All points of view must be faithfully weighed to assure the proper strategy.

  CHENEY: Perhaps if we were to take focus away from the inflation issue ...

  HUSHEN: For Christ sake, Dick, how? Those guys are gonna hammer us on the economy, we know that.