Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page 3
RUMSFELD: Look, Carter's a governor. He's vulnerable on foreign policy. I say we play that as our trump and‑
ROCKEFELLER: We could rehash the Bicentennial and Olympics shit.
HUSHEN: Bingo. Go blatant sentimentality. America and apple pie. Pride and—
FORD: Fellas?
CHENEY: Yes, Mr. President? FORD: Has anyone seen my hat?
(Long silence.)
HUSHEN: Um. You mean the one on your head?
FORD: Huh? I ... Well ... No. The one with the picture of the bear on ... Arggghh. Ma ... Chhhhh.
CHENEY: Christ, he's swallowing the‑
HUSHEN: He's choking, someone help me here. Grab the brim before—
FORD: CHHHHHHH!
JANUARY 21, 1977: The President, Javier Sanchez 11:11—11:15 A.M. OVAL OFFICE
A subdued Gerald Ford bids farewell to his faithful and trusted staff before reentering private life. The election of 1976 was hard fought, but in the end President Ford could not overcome the stigma associated with the Republican Party after Watergate. He had served the office with honor, and could exit the presidency with dignity. The completion of a long journey ... an arduous task completed, a new challenge awaiting.
(A television plays a tennis match in the background. A door opens.)
SANCHEZ: Oh ... I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize you were still—
FORD: Ah, Sanchez my man. Entrez vous. You ever see this Renee Richards play tennis? Hot-cha-cha. (A growling noise, like a tiger.)
SANCHEZ: Uh ... sir?
FORD: Hey, Sanchez, we got any more of that yummy dessert from yesterday?
SANCHEZ: The Carter Inaugural Cake?
FORD: Is that what it's called? Man oh man that was good eating. For a second I thought it was my birthday, but that was in 1913.
MARTHA STEWART'S VAGINA
THE PARTY WAS a smashing success. Your handmade beeswax candles (Martha Stewart Living, September 1996) cast a hypnotic spell on the veranda. Your sausage profiteroles (Dec. '96) moistened the mouths of every male within fifty feet of the buffet steam table you constructed out of lemon rinds and old LPs (May '95). Now it's time to relax, let down your hair, open a bottle of Grand Marnier, and select one of the illegal alien bartenders you hired for some all-night fun (April '97, "Having Sex with the Help"). You've earned it. But something is not quite right. You spent so much time being a hostess you forgot to be a woman. And now the time is right for making love, but your vagina is a mess. I've been there ... and it's not a good thing. You have got to remember Party Rule #1: There is no partas important as the party you're about to throw in your vagina.
No area of home entertaining remains as exciting or ignored as the vagina. A recent letter from one of my readers is a typical example.
Dear Martha,
I'm from Los Gatos, New Mexico, and I loved your new book How to Decorate. So much of the book is devoted to wall coverings and tapestries, but I wonder if more time could be given to the art of marbling a finish.
A big fan,
Felice Damper
P.S. My vagina is a mess.
I hear you. So many of my women friends have developed incredibly sophisticated taste when it comes to throwing the perfect theme party or just relaxing at home in their newly refurbished den. Their sense of style has grown and flourished as they have, yet their most cherished spot has gone unchanged. Throw rugs and Ikea lamps were fine in college, but you're a woman now.
EXTERIORS
It's not just about hygiene, it's about first impressions . . . Don't get caught with your pants down!
Although lovemaking is a scheduled activity, most of us don't use the weeks of downtime effectively, and before you know it, it's the third Tuesday of the month, and he can't wait for you to primp. That's why I prefer a method of maintenance that requires less constant vigilance. You may find that it even allows for a little spontaneity. I have several ways of dealing with this age-old problem.
First: Hair is unruly. Get rid of it.
Second: The area is cleared, but remember, the exterior is your first chance to make an impression on a prospective lover. You must make the space look warm and inviting, but also exclusive. The outside of your vagina must say, "Enjoy!! But understand you're lucky to be here!!"
An undressed vagina can make a bold statement, but if you're like me you probably want something a bit more dignified and versatile. Most vagina treatments derive their character from the fabric. Cotton says you're ready Freddie, velvet says enjoy the luxury (and it's a wonderful buffer against chafing), and silk says you do a lot of dry cleaning. In any event, guard against heavy draping and intricate patterns. One, because it traps dirt, and two, because you don't want him to be distracted. Remember, the easier and cleaner the design, the less time he'll spend admiring and the more time he'll spend enjoying.
I was once dating a well-heeled museum curator. I made a vagina treatment out of a miniaturized Monet. The facade looked wonderful from a distance, but once my lover got up close he said it just looked like a bunch of colored dots. We spent the next two hours arguing the merits of Pointillism and Renaissance realism. The mood was broken.
If you're promiscuous you may want a more basic, non-individualized approach. Nothing is more embarrassing than a personalized vagina treatment that's been personalized for someone else. Years ago I was engaged in an unrepentant affair with a member of the Irish Liberation Movement, Sinn Fein. My vagina treatment at the time was linen with pressed four-leaf clovers and the simple inscription: FREE IRELAND. The linen's cool summer comfort caused me to forget I had it on while hosting a very elegant lawn party. Later that night I found myself in an amorous embrace with one of my distinguished guests. Needless to say this blood relative of Winston Churchill was not amused.
Not all vagina treatments require that kind of intricate detailing or creativity. For the summer you may want to go with simple horizontal pull shades or a top-hanging translucent white cotton drape. One you can easily pull aside for a dramatic voila effect. Again, don't get too complicated with pulleys, rods and weights. The vagina treatment must be easily operated. Nothing invites impotence like agitation. A translucent white cotton drape is elegant and dramatic and the perfect summertime statement. It hangs from a simple bamboo rod suspended just below the navel. Closed, it gives the ambience of the windswept beaches of Nantucket. Open, it says, "I'm making love on the cabana porch with a Caribbean island native who I literally met ten minutes ago, while my jackass husband searches in vain for a golf course."
INTERIOR
Two lips and a clitoris do not a vagina make.
Basic anatomy may be crucial to certain biological functions, but we ask more from our vaginas than almost any other area of our bodies or houses. Phillip Abercrombie outlines these expectations in The Philosophy of Interior Vaginal Design: "To let in air but keep out rain, to allow view but maintain privacy, to let in the penis without cold, dust, noise, friction or excessive heat, and to vary at will the amounts of all these substances." A heady task for a complex area.
First, we must undertake to determine the actual usage. It has been my experience that most women vastly underuse their vaginas, thinking of it only occasionally for sex or hygiene. This is shortsighted. Think of it as nature's spare It room, a multifaceted everyspace. We all know of its in let; herent sexual design, but did you know that some vaginas are used as temporary housing? People have actually been known to live in a vagina for up to nine months. Uninvited guests can be a real challenge to the unprepared host. Don't get caught short.
It doesn't stop there. I have a friend who lost her oceanside office space during Hurricane Andrew. Her business, a vanity boutique supported by a rich paramour, didn't qualify for disaster relief. It seemed she was out of luck and out of work. Not so. A little ingenuity and some good old-fashioned MS know-how had my friend back on her feet in no time. She has been happily working out of her vagina for eighteen months now and says she'll never go back to a conventional space. The convenience and security a v
aginal office provides more than make up for the occasional awkwardness and minor discomfort of answering the phone. Not to mention it's a nifty tax write-off.
Here are some interiors that I have experimented with in the past. All three will provide for a more versatile and productive vagina.
THE VAGINAL OFFICE: Cupboards built into the wall provide efficiency and convenience. Phone, fax and computer on sliding trays give access to whatever you're using and can hide away for holiday office parties. The lamp is a floor model to provide maximum reading potential.
PRIVATE MOMENTS: Your vagina can be a place of serenity and introspection. A porch swing suspended by birch branches provides a welcome respite from daily travails. A ceiling fan gives cool relief in any season and some Parisian folding chairs (cushions slip over the back and tie down) are weatherproofed for unexpected company.
SEX: The sex vagina is sparse but not cold. Few furnishings leave wonderfully open space, plenty of room for strenuous decadence. Strong horizontal lines on a rattan throw rug give a lived-in, spontaneous air. Some simple floor lighting is a real space saver and sets a spectacularly romantic mood. Install a Murphy bed. They fold down for unexpected use. Accidents do happen and an actual human being may need to bunk here for upwards of nine months. The Murphy bed says you're ready for anything. (In the case of multiple guests I recommend Vaginal Trundle Beds. Comfort and storage during the day.)
THE THING TO REMEMBER: Although the vagina is not on public display, it can still be the centerpiece of your personal style. Use it wisely. Whether you're dealing with exterior treatments or interior furnishings, allow comfort to inspire and utility to inform ... and don't skimp. It's your vagina, and you get only one. Follow my simple instructions: you will never again have the unsettling fear that your guests will know that underneath those sparkling Harry Winston earrings and formfitting Christian Dior gown lies a vagina from Filene's Basement.
THE NEW JUDAISM
THERE IS NO doubt Judaism in America has reached an important crossroads. The figures are astonishing. Fifty percent of all currently single American Jews will intermarry, 10 percent will convert to another religion and half of the remaining 40 percent will help them convert or intermarry by watching their dogs. The Rabbinical Congress has estimated that by the year 2010, Jewish life in America will have deteriorated to the point where a Seinfeld reunion special will be a non-sweeps event, perhaps even buried in summer reruns. The certainty of this apocalyptic prediction was hotly contested by a small but vocal contingent of rabbis. They threatened to walk out of the proceedings unless the suffix ish was added to the predicted year 2010. Rabbi Tarfon punctuated the debate by shouting, "I mean, can we really be sure about the year?" before disrobing and setting fire to his caftan. Rabbi Benjamin Rosenzweig then sparked a near riot from the Orthodox contingent with his barbed query "if 'ish,' why not 'or so'?" while Rabbis Eliezer and Johnson exchanged blows over whether or not Fruit Smoothies were kosher. Calm was restored only after the elders' promise of a fall seminar on the grooming of long beards.
Cause for alarm? Judaism has a long and storied history of surviving threats of extinction.
THE SPANISH INQUISITION
In 1492, led by Ferdinand and Isabella, the Christians conquered the last of then Muslim Spain. They immediately decreed all Jews must convert to Christianity or be expelled. Many Jews left. Many Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos in Majorca, and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. Those Jews who stayed in Spain converted to Christianity, only to be systematically hunted down during the Inquisition, accused of heresy against the church for being Jews. This prompted a direct descendant of the great Jewish intellectual Maimonides to protest the Inquisition, saying, "Isn't that kind of a catch-22?"
GRAND INQUISITOR'S SOPHISTICATED METHOD OF INTERROGATION
INQUISITOR: Are you a Jew?
JEW: No.
INQUISITOR: Are you sure you're not a Jew? JEW: Yes.
INQUISITOR: Oh well, sorry to trouble you. Would you like to stay for cake?
JEW: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.
INQUISITOR: It's an out-of-this-world lemon pound cake. JEW: Well, maybe just a nosh ...
The Inquisitor smiles a sinister smile.
JEW: Damn.
THE THIRD REICH
The horrors of the Holocaust are well documented. Adolf Hitler's rise to power remains the greatest obstacle to survival Judaism has yet overcome. Hitler's systematic Final Solution was responsible for the death of six million. He was a monster, although it is said that early in his career he would end a particularly virulent anti-Semitic diatribe with the phrase "no offense." Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to view the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
THE BURGER KING BACON, EGG AND CHEESE CROISSAN'WICH
A sinful combination of pork, cheese and egg. The Triple Crown of nonkosher living—why does it have to be so delicious?
• • •
Judaism has shown remarkable resilience in the face of great external threat. But these threats have been nearly eliminated in America. Total assimilation is the new threat to American Judaism and is more sinister because it goes to the core problem. Judaism is no longer able to compete in a free market religious environment. Although pizzazz sounds like it could be a Yiddish word, it's something Judaism is sorely lacking. We must present a new Judaism. To understand what is necessary, we must first understand the fundamentals as they exist now.
Modern American Judaism can be broken down into three simple categories.
ORTHODOX
Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai. Therefore all the original Torah's laws must be obeyed as written. Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?" Orthodox Jews observe a strict Sabbath, the separation of sexes during worship and believe Jackie Mason is the funniest man alive. They are also rumored to engage in sex only through a hole in their bedsheets, a falsehood that spread after a particularly wild Halloween party at the Mendelsohns'.
CONSERVATIVE
Conservative Jews are Orthodox Jews who went coed, reportedly after one of their more influential members attended a mixer at Barnard. They generally believe the Torah was passed down from God to Moses, but was edited or at least spell-checked first. The main difference between Conservative and Orthodox Jews is summed up beautifully in Conservative Rabbi Mishner's seminal work titled Hey Fellas, How 'Bout We Take It Down a Notch? Conservatives believe Woody Allen is the funniest man alive.
REFORM
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. They believe the Torah is very long and hard to read because it's written in a foreign language. They are not required to adhere to any strict religious doctrine but are still able to take off work on at least 75 percent of all Jewish Holidays. They believe Carrot Top is the funniest man alive.
A COMPARATIVE CHART
No present form of American Juism currently has the appeal to sustain us as a people through the next millenium. A new Judaism must be created to battle the erosion of our population caused by defection, apathy and blondes. If we don't watch out, the Hare Krishnas will soon be kicking our ass.
SOLUTION
The Children. There is a fable in Deuteronomy: A poor farmer from the Tribe of Levi came one day to King Solomon, the wisest of kings and the only one who could juggle. The farmer begged Solomon for his wisdom. "My only son has lost a baby tooth. All day and night he cries for reparation. He suffers loudly ... even the cattle have complained." Solomon looked up from his crossword puzzle, pondered the farmer's dilemma and spoke. "Cut this child in half. Eac
h family can have one half. This will end the dispute. The farmer looked stricken. "Gotcha!" said Solomon. "I'm sorry, sometimes I can't help myself." The farmer sighed. "How old's the boy?" asked Solomon. "Four plantings and half a harvest," replied the farmer. "Okay,here's what you do," continued the wise king, "Tell the boy to put the tooth under his pillow tonight. When he sleeps, replace the tooth with a piece of candy or a quarter. Tell him the ... I don't know, the Angel of Teeth came down to reclaim his property. This will solve your problem." "Who would believe that?" the farmer asked skeptically. "What is lightning?" asked Solomon. "God testing batteries," the farmer replied. Solomon looked at the farmer knowingly. "Oh ... I see what you mean," said the farmer. Solomon smiled, "Want to see me juggle two olives and a pomegranate?"
What is the point? People will believe anything if you catch them early enough.
OUR GOD
The Jewish concept of God is too difficult to fathom. An omniscient, omnipotent Peeping Tom who loves us and smites our enemies. Although recent history suggests he's a little slow on the smiting. We were created in his image, but you can't see him or describe him. And why did he give us so much back hair?
The Christians had it right. Want to worship Jesus? Here's a picture of him on the wall next to the refrigerator. There's even one on black velvet. Not enough? Look at these movies he did. Long hair, sad eyes, trim ... not a bad-looking fellow. Put him on your dashboard and go! He's even got his own musicals. As Nietzsche wrote, "God is dead. But he lives on at the Brooks Atkinson Theater in a spectacular revival of Godspell."
If Judaism wants to compete, we need to personify our vision of God. In the new Judaism, God will now be referred to as Uncle Pete. A friendly gentleman in his forties, Uncle Pete is still all-powerful but he's also tangible. He's about five feet ten, although his license says six feet, 170 pounds, and smells like a freshly baked pie. Wondering how God could let children die? Well, let's get or Uncle Pete in here and find out. I'm sure he has a reasonable explanation!