Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Alex knew that having Kelley there was a bad idea. He didn’t need Evie getting confused about his friendship with Kelley. He wouldn’t become a regular part of their lives, so why did he even bother. He was a regular part of Alex’s life but not here, not at their home. His safe place.

  Him being there made Alex’s skin itch. And his voice…dammit he still couldn’t figure out why it calmed him so much. Kelley’s voice was smooth and held a deep timbre that seemed to settle in his belly making him feel warm all over.

  What also weirded him out was the fact that Kelley sat there without asking questions. He was being quiet and…and…whatever, but Alex didn’t like it. It was why he stuck to what he knew, the people he knew. Having new people in his home made him feel like there were ants crawling around under his skin. There was always that awkward small talk that people did. He had always sucked at inane conversation. He could handle business meetings with new people because he wasn’t giving anything of himself away besides his work. There was a focus or purpose to those conversations.

  But Alex knew that something was different with Kelley. They had become friends over the last month so he knew in part it was facing the person he had shown parts of himself he’d never shown before.

  He didn’t know why he let Evie corner him into having him over for dinner but there was something about him, some connection, some spark—or whatever the fuck people called it—that called to him.

  It was the answer to that question that scared him the most. It was the very reason why he’d avoided Kelley after the wedding. And the idea that he might find out had the nauseous feeling he’d had the other day coming back full force.

  Alex knew he couldn’t panic, not while Evie was there and definitely not while Kelley was there. Damn if he would let that man have more of an effect on him than he already did. Alex settled the nausea and willed it away. It would be fine. It wasn’t like something was going to happen when he didn’t want it to and obviously, connection or not, he didn’t want that. And Kelley was a good guy, he wouldn’t force it even if he did know, which Alex was certain he didn’t.

  Just as Alex started to set the table, Evie walked into the dining room after completing her homework and cleaning up, Kelley trailing behind her.

  “Do you need any help with anything? I feel kind of lazy just sitting on your couch not doing anything.”

  Evie answered before he could tell him no. “Sure, can you help me set out the plates and silverware?”

  “Absolutely, not a problem.”

  Alex wondered how one person could be so happy all the time. “Evie, did you wash your hands? You know you can’t set the table until you do.”

  Once she washed her hands, Evie went to grab the plates from the cabinet, telling Kelley where the silverware was. “No, Kelley! The other drawer to the left of that one.” Evie was giggling so much, playing around with Kelley. She obviously knew he was just being funny when he couldn’t find the correct drawer with the silverware in it since he seemed to be purposely bypassing the drawer she tried directing him to.

  “This one, Evie?” And every time he’d ask it would set her off into the giggles once again. She had already had the plates on the table with the cups they normally use by the time Kelley had given up on their game to place the silverware on the table. But as he did, he just stared at the table with the forks and knives in his hand.

  “Kelley? What’s wrong?” Evie asked him.

  “Those are paper plates.” Kelley’s simple reply confused Alex even more. Had the man never seen a paper plate before?

  “Umm, yes?” Evie replied clearly as confused as Alex was.

  “Kelley, haven’t you ever seen a paper plate before?” Alex asked him.

  He looked up at Alex from his stare down with the plates. “Yeah, I’ve seen them, but at parties or barbeques or picnics. Not on someone’s dining room table for dinner.”

  “We use them since there’s only two of us. It saves on me having to run the dishwasher.”

  “But all the waste, Alex. And, oh my god, you have plastic cups too!”

  Evie was now sitting in her seat at the table laughing at Kelley, which Alex really wanted to do too because he was just so flabbergasted over paper products.

  “Dude, are you freaking out over paper plates?” Evie asked trying her best to hide her smile.

  “Yes. I am, actually. There’s only two of you, couldn’t you just wash the two plates by hand? I mean, Alex, the waste!”

  “I could but I hate doing the dishes so this is easier and plus think about the water I’m saving.”

  “For two extra plates? I just can’t. Are you really telling me you use them for dinner every night?” Kelley was looking at him with complete horror on his face.

  “Yeah and lunch and snacks and when we eat leftovers. They’re very handy.” Alex couldn’t believe he was having fun with him. He was still nervous about Kelley being there, but he was feeling a bit less itchy about it.

  “Wait! You put them in the microwave? You heat food up on paper plates?”

  “Yes? Why wouldn’t we?” Alex had to admit that was turning into one of the strangest conversations he’d had in a long while. And usually those only happened with Ben.

  “Doesn’t the plate get soggy? And knives! How can knives not cut right through them? All I can see is those old commercials when people are out at a picnic—where normal people use paper plates by the way—and the guy is sitting there with the plate in his lap trying to cut up his food and the knife goes right through.”

  “You’re over thinking this, Kelley. It’s just a plate and since we use a table we don’t need to worry about that happening. Plus, I buy the good ones.” The whole time that conversation was happening Evie seemed to be enjoying herself by giggling at Kelley’s absolute panic over paper plates.

  “You buy the good ones? Okay. Just stop. This is hurting my brain.”

  At that statement, Alex did laugh right out loud, quickly covering his mouth with his hand to try and stop it. But his laugh broke the staring contest Kelley was having with the table and his head snapped up to glare at Alex. But it was too much and soon they were all laughing over the ridiculous conversation they had just had.

  It took a few minutes but the laughter had finally died down. They sat at the table and started to dish out the food he’d made, which happened to be one of his favorite chicken meals he could cook, onto their own plates. That was saying a lot since he was not a good cook at all. Plus, it was easy to make to boot.

  With the time constraints, they seemed to always be under, quick and easy took precedence. Most of the time they ate frozen meals like pizza, or lasagna, or even chicken tenders. Evie didn’t seem to mind but, of course, what kid would.

  “I spoke to David the other day. Charlie was so happy to finally meet you at the wedding.”

  “You were at the wedding, Kelley?” Evie asked.

  “Yes, I was. David is one of my best friends.”

  “Oh. That’s nice. Did you wear a suit like Alex did? Alex hated his. He whined the whole time he was putting it on.”

  Alex groaned, put his head in his hands hoping she wouldn’t embarrass him further but doubting that wish would come true. He heard them laughing at his reaction but at that point he could care less.

  “Well, Evie, he did look quite handsome in that suit and yes I wore a suit but I do that a lot at my job.”

  “Alex wears his pajamas mostly for work.”

  “I wish I could wear my pajamas to work.”

  “Was the wedding beautiful? Alex said it was nice but wouldn’t talk about it really.”

  “It was beautiful. They had pretty flowers and lights strung up and a delicious cake.”

  “I love cake! And flowers but not as much as cake.”

  The more the two of them chatted away as though they had known each other forever the more Alex felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure what it was, the tightness in his belly, but he knew he didn’t like it.

&nb
sp; “What is your favorite kind of cake?”

  “Chocolate with lots of frosting! Yummy!”

  “Of course, because chocolate is the best kind.”

  “It is! Did you dance at the wedding? I love dancing.”

  “Oh, yes. I actually danced with your brother once.”

  “You did?! Alex! Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Evie, it’s getting close to bedtime now so why don’t you go get your stuff together and take your shower.” He just needed the conversation to stop. Needed not to talk about that damn dance.

  “Oh, come on! Can I stay up just a little late? We never have people over!” Now Evie was the one that was whining.

  “Evie, please stop. Go take your shower and say goodnight to Kelley please.”

  Her face fell when she realized he wasn’t going to give into her. She turned with her head down and mumbled a goodnight as she walked away.

  Then it was just Kelley and him. Maybe he hadn’t thought it out.

  “Thank you for entertaining her. She’s a talker, for sure. You didn’t have to indulge her that way.”

  “It was no problem. She’s a wonderful child, Alex. Her excitement about the wedding was enjoyable,” Kelley replied. “The wedding was fun.”

  He knew Kelley was waiting for some sort of response to that but he wouldn’t get one. Alex was in no mind to discuss it.

  “Yeah…umm…thanks for coming over for dinner. It’s getting late and I still have some work to catch up on today.” He made sure to stare right into those eyes. Stupidly beautiful eyes.

  “Can I ask you a question, Alex?”

  His first response wanted to be just “no” but he just couldn’t because beyond anything else Kelley was his friend. “Sure.”

  “Why don’t you want to talk about the dance? Is it so bad to admit you enjoyed it?”

  “The dance was fine but it doesn’t need to be rehashed. It was just a dance,” Alex replied with a hint of challenge in his voice.

  “I’d have to disagree, Alex.” Of course, he would. The guy was going to drive him crazy. He made his emotions feel like they were on a roller coaster. “It wasn’t just a dance. It was a dance with you. If my memory serves me right, you seemed to enjoy the way we danced together.”

  “Like I said it was just a dance, Kelley. Stop looking for more than it was.” Alex had to get up and away from the conversation. He’d felt his breathing start to pick up and his hands were shaking. It was too close for comfort. He stood up to gather up the stuff left on the table after dinner.

  “If it was just a dance then why am I making you nervous? If it was just a dance, why did I feel the tremor that ran through your body when you stepped into my arms? If it was just a dance, why did I feel your cock hard against my hip?” Kelley hadn’t moved from his seat, but his words were pushing at Alex, wrapping around him, making him feel like he was being surrounded by Kelley, just like he had during the dance.

  “I…um…I’m just going to go put these away.” Alex hurriedly walked into the kitchen with all the leftover stuff that had been on the table, placing it down on the island as gently as his shaking hands would allow. He leaned on the counter palms flat on the cold marble, head bowed, trying to breathe through his mounting panic.

  Kelley wasn’t wrong. He was attracted to him. A lot. But that didn’t matter. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t fall in love or get feelings for someone again. Alex knew he would lose that too if he tried. He always lost the things he loved the most. It would be just another thing he would have to lock away when it was over, if he could get over that pain again.

  “Alex, I know you want me. It’s in your eyes when you look at me. Why do you fight it?”

  Startled out of his own thoughts he turned to see Kelley standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “I…” Alex cleared his throat to get his voice in working condition, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t look at you like anything. You’re a nice guy and a good friend, but that’s it.”

  “Are you so sure about that? Because when you look at me some of that loneliness that’s always in your eyes gets taken over by want. I like that look on you.” At that statement, Kelley started to slowly make his way toward him. Alex barely heard any sound over the thumping of his heartbeat in his chest.

  There was no way he was looking at him like that. Yeah, he knew there was something there, some spark between them but it wasn’t so strong that Alex couldn’t hide it. But what Kelley said to him went deep. He got inside of him with just his voice. His presence. His breathing picked up again but that time it wasn’t panic making him feel light-headed, it was Kelley. His emerald eyes bored into his, holding him there. With each step Kelley took, Alex took one back until his ass hit the counter behind him.

  He felt trapped. The look on Kelley’s face, the heat and the want pouring out of his eyes directed right at him, was like Alex was the prey and he was the hunter. He didn’t stop until he was so close Alex could feel the warmth of his breath on his mouth, so close that a couple more inches closer and they’d be kissing.

  “You can try to deny it, Alex, but your eyes, your body”—Kelley glanced down the length of their bodies and Alex knew he was seeing his hard cock—“give you away.”

  Alex wanted to deny what he was saying but his throat was so tight he couldn’t get the words out. Words they both knew would be a lie but denial was the only option for him. He finally whispered, “No.”

  Kelley was staring into his eyes again, locking them together without even touching him. “Oh yes, you want me. You want to feel my mouth on yours, my teeth on your neck, my tongue trailing down your chest, my hands on your hips pulling you so close our cocks rub together.” Kelley lifted his right hand as he spoke softly trailing just his fingertip over his bottom lip, down his neck to his chest, passing over his nipple with a little circle, then down further grabbing his hip. Alex could feel a moan wanting to escape but he wouldn’t let it. Letting it out gave too much away.

  “I won’t push you. I know something is holding you back, Alex, but I will not walk away. I will not give up on giving us both what we want. I’m a patient man.” He leaned in, bringing his mouth to Alex’s ear. “But I will get my mouth and hands on every inch of you.”

  With that last word, Kelley stepped back, blatantly adjusted himself before he turned and walked toward the kitchen door. He looked over his shoulder at Alex. “You know how to get a hold of me if you want to talk.” And just like that he was gone. Alex didn’t move, didn’t even breathe until he heard the front door open and close. Knowing finally, he was gone.

  Alex had to think now that he could with him gone.

  No doubt he was attracted to him. He wanted Kelley. Over him, under him, filling him. That much was easy to admit to himself, he just wasn’t sure he was ready to admit it to Kelley.

  Yet.

  And that almost kiss…the one encounter with him had him so heated that he’d be taking an extra-long shower tonight.

  He wasn’t sure what he should do but he knew that wanting Kelley wasn’t going to go away. Maybe he could have some fun for himself. It didn’t have to get serious.

  He wouldn’t let it.

  Kelley hadn’t expected much after the dinner with Alex the other day but whatever his expectations had been, Alex had crushed them.

  Alex had called him.

  Not texted, but called, and asked if he wanted to meet up at Roasters Room for a drink. Kelley had just about fallen out of his chair. But, of course, he had readily agreed.

  Alex said that Evie and Ben were out together since Ben was still trying to make up for something he’d done wrong. That gave them some time alone to talk. He would be disappointed if Alex had told him that he just wanted to be friends, but he would deal with it, because at least he’d still be in his life.

  He wasn’t sure how he would feel about him proposing just a physical relationship since that’s not what he wanted with Alex. But he could see where he would’ve thought, by Kelley�
�s own actions, that’s what he wanted. What he actually wanted was far from that, of course.

  As he drove his truck over to the coffee shop he took the time to relax and let his mind wander to other things, trying his best not to overthink what was going to happen. He had to trust that whatever was going to happen he would at least get to be Alex’s friend. It wouldn’t be easy at first with how he was beginning to feel about him, but it could be done.

  He arrived at the coffee shop, found a parking spot, and made his way inside as he texted Alex to let him know that he had arrived. Not sure if he should wait to get drinks when he arrived, Kelley made his way over to the tables along the wall that separated the back of the shop from the front. He sat on one of the seats facing the street so he could see Alex arrive, since he hadn’t received a text back from him.

  For the first time in a long time he was nervous and he wasn’t sure he cared for the feeling very much. Alex was the only person that made him nervous, except maybe his mom when she was mad.

  Alex walked into the shop with a hesitant smile on his face. Alex looked even more nervous than Kelley felt. His honey colored skin didn’t show a blush very well but those cheeks were definitely pink.

  “Hi, thanks for meeting me today.” Alex spoke as he walked around the table, surprising him once again, taking the place next to him on the bench seat, but not close enough that they would touch.

  “Thank you for inviting me. I was surprised to get that call from you, honestly. I’m still a little shocked you showed up after the way we ended our evening the other night.”

  “You aren’t the only one. This isn’t a thing I do. I don’t…open myself up to other people. But letting you in my apartment was a big step. I know you probably don’t realize that, but it was.”

  He had an inkling with the way Evie spoke but it wasn’t something he would admit to since it would only serve to embarrass Alex. “Either way, I’m glad for both invitations,” he replied sincerely.