Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  “You don’t see it, Alex. You think this is easy for me? You think that I haven’t tried again and again for the last year to convince myself that staying is what we need? That staying would change anything? I’m there with you every night, taking over when you need me to, cancelling plans with friends last minute because of course no one can stay with Evie but you or me.” Ryan shook his head and rubbed his face with his hand trying to disperse the water that had fallen over his eyes.

  “This isn’t her fault and it’s not yours either, not really, it’s just the hand dealt to us, I guess. I know you already lost so much. This isn’t meant to hurt you. I don’t want to take anymore away but I can’t stay at the cost to myself. Can’t you understand? I can’t sit around hoping and wishing for it to get better when I know that things don’t work like that.”

  Ryan paused looking as though maybe he shouldn’t say his next words. “Did you know that I missed one of my best friend’s birthday celebrations because you had promised me a weekend away, to finally have some time alone? But did you keep that promise? No. Or how about when you promised you would be home, the countless times, so that we could spend time together? Or when I said I wanted to go out with my friends but you had to stay late at work…again!”

  That time Ryan stepped closer, so close he felt Ryan’s breath on his face. Ryan leaned in, staring into his eyes and whispered, “Or how about the fact that we haven’t had sex in seven months. You don’t even sleep in our bed most nights.”

  Wait! What? No, that couldn’t be! It’d only been…a couple of weeks, right? Alex shook his head in denial. He knew he’d been busy at work. They kept giving him bigger and bigger projects that took more and more of his time. Evie’s night terrors and panic attacks had been so constant that she had needed him with her some…okay, most nights. But still that couldn’t be true! Wouldn’t he have noticed that?

  He loved touching Ryan and being touched by him. It was his tether in the crazy his life had become. Ryan was his warmth, his heart. There was no way. Ryan stepped back and he looked into his eyes. It was then he realized that Ryan was right. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. “I’m so sorry! I…I… didn’t realize. I have no excuse for that at all but I promise, please…I promise we’ll have more us time. I’ll do better. I can…”

  Ryan held up his hand not letting Alex finish. “You can what? Get a babysitter? Go out on a date with me? Maybe go away for a weekend just the two of us? Are you sure about that, Alex? Leaving Evie at home with someone she doesn’t know? Or maybe with your best friend, Ben, who Evie won’t stay with alone unless she has a good day?”

  The moment Ryan said those words he knew that wasn’t possible. He couldn’t leave Evie with someone she didn’t feel completely safe with. She wouldn’t even stay with Ben who she had known all her life. She already had nightmares almost every night, panic attacks during the day that had only escalated since she started full-time school. And even now, as they stood in the pouring rain, Alex knew that it was a rare good day that wasn’t likely to happen often. Her fear that came from having witnessed their mother’s death still gripped her even after the year of counseling that Alex had been bringing her to. Alex didn’t blame her. What almost six-year-old could come out mentally unscathed from a car accident where they saw their own mom die?

  Hell, at twenty-three, he was still trying to come to grips with her death.

  “I can see it on your face. You know you couldn’t do it and I don’t blame you. Honestly, I don’t. Evie needs you and you need her. That’s how I know what I’m doing is the best thing because right now you need to concentrate on Evie and I…I need to concentrate on me. Without growing to resent you or her. I love you too much to let that happen. So please just don’t make this any harder than it already is. Don’t make me promises you can’t possibly keep because in the end it would only hurt us all more than if we just…”

  The rain had slowed down and Alex saw his face more clearly. He saw the heartbreak there and he knew that was breaking Ryan as much as it was breaking him. Ryan cleared his throat. “Alex, it’s just better now instead of later. I should’ve done something sooner, I know that, but I didn’t want to leave you when the pain from losing your mom was at its worst for you both. Please don’t fight this. I couldn’t take it. This is hard enough as it is. Let’s make this easier on us all. I’m sorry for doing this especially today like this but I just…couldn’t anymore.” Ryan reached out and grabbed him, pulling him in for a tight, quick hug, and then turned and walked away.

  He only got a few feet and stopped. He started to speak without turning around but, almost as if he couldn’t help it, his head turned and looked over his shoulder toward Alex. “I am not going back home today and I’m leaving town this weekend. I will call and let you know when I’ll be picking up my stuff. But please, Alex, don’t be home when I come by, okay? Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  And then Ryan was gone.

  Just like his dad.

  Just like his mom.

  Alex wasn’t sure how long he stood there after he could no longer see Ryan. The suffocating pain just wouldn’t go away, no matter how much he tried to rationalize things, no matter how much he tried to convince himself it wasn’t happening. That yet another person wasn’t leaving him.

  He was alone. Again. Why? What did he do to deserve that kind of pain time after time? Again, and again.

  How could he survive the pain again?

  He stood there until he was startled by his phone ringing, not bothering to look at the screen he answered the call. “Hello?”

  “Yes, Mr. Davidson, this is Cindy from Ainsworth Elementary School.”

  “Um…oh yes, Cindy. Of course, is everything okay?” Alex croaked.

  “Evie had another panic attack today and is still feeling anxious. She’s lying down in the counselor’s office right now. We feel since she’s still feeling anxious she would be better off going home. Can either you or Mr. Packard come get her now?” Knowing Evie needed him was enough to shake Alex out of the nothingness. He couldn’t afford to retreat into himself now. He’d made it that far in his life of what seemed like constant loss without breaking down he could do it now for her.

  “Absolutely, Cindy. Please tell her I’ll be there soon.”

  That night, like the one with his dad and his mom was life changing for him. He never wanted to feel like that again, that’s why his feelings being returned by Kelley freaked him the fuck out. Yeah, he was super attracted to the guy, with his bright green eyes, stunning smile with those smile lines, a fit body that had felt amazing against his while they danced, and a voice that sent shivers and simultaneously a sense of calm over him.

  But those were not good enough reasons for him to act on his feelings. Attraction was not good enough to put his heart on the line or disrupt Evie’s life. And yes, it would disrupt her life because it was inevitable that Kelley would leave, just like everyone else had, and they would have to suffer another loss. They’d suffered enough, he wouldn’t let it happen again.

  Now he just had to avoid all contact with him. Yeah, he could do that. It was easy.

  Kelley had such a busy and hectic day at the office he just felt like treating himself so he decided to go to his favorite coffee shop Roasters Room—also the place he knew that Alex frequented but was not the reason he went there, nope—to get a hot drink, sit, and zone out for a while. It was the smallest things that relaxed him after a day like today. Normally he would take the stress out by running or going to the gym but today he felt like treating himself instead of doing more work. Plus, if he got to see Alex, even from a distance since the man hadn’t spoken to him since the wedding, it was a bonus.

  As he drove down SW 12th Avenue he thought about the wedding and Alex. He knew Alex was attracted to him, he could see it at the wedding especially when he convinced him to dance. Oh, how fun that had been. He just wasn’t sure how to move forward from where they were. He’d tried everything to get Alex to m
eet up with him but to no avail.

  The man had no idea how to handle the fact that Kelley kept in contact with him so much. Yeah, Alex was doing better, even managed to have long text conversations and a few phone calls, but then there would be a day or two that all he would get in return was short answers or terse replies always followed by an apology days later. Alex was trying but Kelley knew even through texts he could tell he put Alex on edge. An edge that was born from him expanding that bubble Alex lived in for the last three years.

  And Kelley loved it.

  But ever since the wedding Alex had backed off for more than his typical couple of days and there was no apology following his ignored texts to the stubborn man. Kelley figured that seeing him in a place when he hadn’t expected it was what really sent some shockwaves through Alex’s world. Change was not easy for someone like Alex. It would take time for him to recover from it. Kelley’s only hope was that he did recover and didn’t just decide to hide or run away from what they had building.

  Finding a parking spot about block from the coffee shop on Washington Street he parked his truck and walked back down toward Alder Street to the entrance of Roasters Room. When he walked in the smell of strong coffee greeted him. He inhaled the scent and that alone started to relax his tense muscles. Kelley walked over to the counter to order his coconut tres leches hot chocolate when he glimpsed out of the corner of his eye the man that wouldn’t leave his mind.

  But he wasn’t alone. And what Kelley saw shocked him.

  Alex was laughing. Like really laughing.

  And it seemed his partner in crime was the cause. Kelley couldn’t help but smile at the two of them. Alex’s deep brown eyes, that were normally so guarded, were sparking, full of life and happiness and completely open. There was still that underlying sadness that wrapped around him but not as much as he had seen before.

  Kelley really wanted to go over there but he didn’t want to interrupt them yet. He hadn’t seen that Alex in years. That was the man that Kelley had been in awe of before all tragedy had hit him. That was the man he hoped someday would come back.

  He turned quickly to tell the barista behind the counter what he wanted and just stood there watching the pair in the back of the room while he waited. He was in total amazement.

  Evie, Alex’s partner in crime, was like a wind that had blown open the door revealing the soul of who Alex truly was. She apparently had the ability to just open him right up. Letting you gaze into what otherwise was hidden. The man was more amazing than Kelley had previously thought. Evie made him shine and lifted that fog that lived around Alex.

  How Alex kept that part of himself locked away from everyone but her was heartbreaking to know. But Kelley was sure that she was the key to getting the man who piece by piece was stealing his heart to heal. Not to be the Alex he had once known but the Alex that was put back together stronger than before.

  He had never been so captivated by something in his entire life. But it broke his heart that someone who used to carry such joy around like it had been wrapped up in their soul, radiating out from under his skin was now so lost. People like Alex were the type of people that inspired others to be better to see the positive in the everyday things. He had lost that and Kelley wanted to help him find it again.

  Once Kelley’s hot chocolate was done he paid the barista, picked up his cup, and made his way to the backroom where Alex and Evie were. Kelley hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the wedding a week prior. Kelley was determined to get to know that man all the way to the core of his heart. And every time he broke down to text or call him it was Alex’s eyes that flashed in his mind pleading him to contact him. He knew it wasn’t Alex in truth but something drove Kelley toward the guy. Some protective nature, or that caring side of him that just wanted to make sure he was okay, to know that he was eating well, and just happy. And loved.

  Some instinct told him all was not what it seemed on the surface for Alex.

  He was just about on top of the pair, who seemed to be doing a reenactment of some kind, when suddenly Alex looked up from Evie with that magnificent smile aimed right at him. The smile died within moments of eye contact. Kelley was disappointed but it didn’t bother him. He was starting to understand how Alex worked.

  That was the Alex he showed the world. The cautious man who had learned to keep people at a distance.

  “Well hello, you two. Having fun, I see.” Kelley smiled at them and looked down at that rosy-cheeked girl and was wowed on how much the two didn’t look alike. One thing they share though was a beautiful smile.

  “Kelley. Um, hi. What are you doing here?” Alex was trying to act casual but Kelley could see his body had filled with tension. He was looking from Evie back to Kelley like he was waiting for Kelley to reveal some secret.

  “I just stopped by to get my favorite drink after a rough day. I thought I deserved a special treat.”

  That time it was Evie who spoke up before Alex could. “I love special treats. Alex gets them for me when I have a really good day sometimes.”

  “Well aren’t you lucky to have such a great brother?”

  Nodding her head, Evie responded enthusiastically, “Oh yeah, he is the best. Do I know you?”

  “I don’t think we’ve ever met. I’m a friend of your brother’s from years ago but we’ve recently become friends again.”

  “You’re friends? He doesn’t really have any friends other than Ben and I swear the only thing he does is sit on his computer and work. I keep telling him he needs friends.”

  Kelley could tell that Evie was a handful and he figured that Alex needed someone like that in his life to squash some of that sadness that had settled in his eyes. “I thought we were friends but he’s not always willing, it seems, to pick up the phone.” He turned to smile at Alex knowing that he was subtly calling him out for ignoring him that last week.

  Kelley thought maybe she could help convince her brother to become friends with him. She seemed to think Alex needed more than just work and Ben and Kelley was apt to agree with her.

  “Alex, you know it’s rude not to pick up the phone when a friend is calling. You wouldn’t do that to Ben so you shouldn’t do it to anyone else. Plus, he seems really nice.” Evie glared very sternly at her brother who was looking sufficiently reprimanded. Kelley had a feeling that she was a lot more mature than most kids her age.

  Alex turned a mutinous look at him like he had caused her to speak to him like that. It just made Kelley want to laugh. “Evie, I don’t purposely ignore anyone’s calls. I just happen to be very busy most of the day.” Alex continued, lowering his voice and mumbling, “And please stop acting like you’re the grown up of the two of us in front of other people. We have to at least pretend that I’m the more mature one.”

  “Thank you for coming to my defense, Evie, he did hurt my feelings.” He turned and winked at Alex. “But it’s okay, I am sure your brother has learned his lesson in being rude. Right, Alex?”

  Through what Kelley could tell were gritted teeth Alex said, “Of course. Lesson learned.”

  “Alex, you should say you’re sorry. That’s what you always tell me.”

  Kelley was doing all he could not to bust out laughing at that fire cracker of a girl. She knew she had her brother by the family jewels but was completely unapologetic for it.

  Alex shook his head in exasperation then mumbled an apology to him just to placate his sister. Kelley knew he most definitely wanted to get to know Evie. She had a bright and thoroughly shining personality that just made a person feel like smiling.

  “Hey, he can come over for dinner today as a way for you to say I’m sorry!” Evie exclaimed, practically jumping out of her seat.

  “No. Evie, I’m pretty sure Kelley has other things he needs to do. It’s too short notice, maybe another time.”

  Kelley knew Alex was trying to get him to decline by giving that excuse but Kelley had no intention of letting him off that easy. If it took the intervention of his little sister
to finally get Kelley to spend time with the man then he’d take it. Texting was good and they’d made some progress but it wasn’t enough. Besides what could be more fun than watching Alex squirm because of a little girl. That was his chance to get to know them both better. “Oh, I have nothing going on today so I most definitely can come for dinner. Do you need me to bring anything?” Making sure he smiled as innocently as possible even though Kelley didn’t think he bought it. Alex had to have known how happy that made him.

  And Evie had a big smile on her face, not just a smile of happiness but one that spoke of satisfaction. She was either much more clever than her brother gave the eight-year-old credit for, or Alex knew but could do nothing to stop the mini force of nature. As long as Kelley was part of the good that seemed to come out of her plans he was completely okay with it. “Awesome! We’re going home right now. You could always just come with us.”

  Alex’s head hit the table just as she ended her sentence and he could hear him mumbling something but couldn’t quite make out what it was. The sigh that came out after that was one that said he knew he’d lost and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. “You, little girl, take too much after Mom. A couple of busybodies.” The two siblings shared a smile before standing up and gathering their belongings. “Alright, let’s go, it’s getting late and you still have some homework to get to.”

  Kelley couldn’t remember a time he felt such happiness.

  Alex and Evie were doing their everyday routine, him going between cooking dinner and helping her with homework while she sat at the coffee table in the living room. Kelley just sat on the couch opposite them watching their movements with a big smile on his face. It unsettled Alex, being watched, feeling like the guy was trying to see more than he was comfortable letting others see. And no one other than Ben had ever seen that part of his life. Not since Ryan.