Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  Alex just shook his head at him seeming bemused with Kelley. They both turned as they saw a server bringing out the wedding cake for the grooms to cut.

  David and Charlie were in their glory, enjoying the romance and attention of the day if their smiles were anything to go by. The cake cutting went as Kelley knew they planned with both smashing cake into the other’s face. Soon after the couple had their first dance. Kelley hoped it felt as magical for his friends as it looked from his seat.

  After that the music was turned louder and guests poured on the dance floor and conversation resumed but in a much louder din. He could see David chatting with random people as he tried to make his way across the room to him with Charlie right by his side.

  Tapping Alex on the shoulder to gain his attention from the phone in his hand Kelley asked, “Alex, did you say that you haven’t yet met Charlie?”

  “No. I haven’t since David and I haven’t actually seen each other in a couple of years. Just the occasional phone call a couple times a month. Why?”

  “They seem to be trying to make their way over here so this gives you the chance to finally meet him.”

  Alex’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh…that’s nice.” He put the phone back into his pocket as he turned to look over his shoulder to see them chatting with a small group of people. “That’ll be nice to finally put a face to the name.”

  “You’ll like him I’m sure.” He paused for a second thinking that peppering Alex with inane questions would probably keep him off balance and relaxed enough to stop him overthinking. “What’s your favorite color?”

  Alex’s head turned to him at that question. “Huh? My favorite color?” His eyes narrowed on Kelley like it was some sort of trick he was playing on him. “Why?”

  “Because you said that we’re friends and I realize we don’t know many things about each other. I know all about your work and you know about mine. We’ve talked about our friends and Evie but nothing like this.”

  “Burnt orange.”

  “You’re fucking with me.” He had to be.

  “No. Why would I do that?”

  “It’s my favorite color and the color of my truck.”

  “You have a truck?!” Alex’s eyes had gone comically wide.

  “Why is it so weird that I have a truck?”

  “Because you’re…” Waving his hand at Kelley he continued, “…you. Not a truck person. You’re more of a high -class car kind of guy. Something reliable and expensive and classic.”

  It wasn’t the first time he’d heard something similar but knowing Alex saw him as those things was promising. “Thank you for the compliment. I do have a reliable car as you say but I fell in love with her a decade ago and had her fixed up. She’s my freedom.”

  “She?” And just like that Alex was chuckling. “You’re a truck guy!”

  Kelley was still smiling when David and Charlie reached them. He stood grabbed them both in a hug before they even said a word. “It was beautiful, guys. Congratulations!” The embrace was short but long enough to have Alex standing to greet the groom’s when Kelley stepped back.

  “Alex! Wow, look at you being all handsome. Trying to look better than the grooms?” David wrapped his arm around his husband and winked at Alex. And that’s all it took for the man’s cheeks to go pink. Kelley loved how easily that happened to him.

  “I doubt that would be possible but no. Definitely not.”

  “Alex, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Charlie put his hand out for Alex to shake.

  “You too, Charlie. I’m not sure how you’ve put up with David and his smart mouth all this time but congratulations are definitely in order.”

  They all laughed. The conversation once again turned back to work and catching up with more smartass comments thrown in.

  Kelley was really enjoying himself but he could see Alex was getting ready to make his excuses to the groom’s so he could leave. But Kelley wanted to dance with him. He just had to figure out how he could do it without freaking Alex out.

  David and Charlie bade them farewell to continue making their rounds. As Alex sat back down Kelley excused himself to go get another drink from the bar offering to get Alex another one while he was up.

  He made his way around the dance floor to the back corner where a very long bar was set up to wait in the short line that had formed. Once he had the drinks he carefully made his way back stopping here and there for a quick hello with some of David’s family that he knew.

  As he approached the table, he saw that Alex was no longer sitting alone but with Luka from the HR department. He was crowding in close to him and no matter how Alex tried to inch away from him Luka still persisted. His arm was draped across the back of Alex’s chair, trying to put his hand in Alex’s hair. Anyone who wasn’t blind or stupid would see Alex was not welcoming the attention. Far from it. He seemed angry, if his tight smile and the glint in his eyes said anything. He was even leaning away and as forward as he could once he felt the man’s hand trying to touch him.

  Kelley looked around seeing that no one was really paying any attention to them. All of them going about their fun. Kelley was known for his calm but that was one situation that made his blood boil and anger build to a furious level.

  He thought about placing their drinks on a table as he passed by since he didn’t want to end up dumping the drinks on Luka and making a scene. But after taking the time to go get the drinks he wasn’t going to waste them because of some douche who couldn’t keep his hands to himself and off of his Alex.

  As he moved closer he heard the jackass speak and he was clearly a drunk jackass to boot. “Come on, Alex. You know you want to come back to my hotel room. We would be so hot together.”

  By now he was gripping the glasses so tight his knuckles were beginning to ache from it.

  “Alex. Gone for a couple of minutes and you’re already making…friends.” He turned and looked at Luka with a smile that could not be seen as friendly. He placed the drinks down on the table as gently as he could manage with the anger shooting through him. “Luka. I didn’t know you knew David.”

  Quickly leaning back away from Alex he stood wobbly and held his hand out to shake. “Mr. Matthews, hello, sir. I really don’t but I came with a friend from work that was invited.”

  Kelley continued to ignore the offered hand as he looked down at Alex and spoke. “Why don’t we go dance?”

  Alex looked up at him and for the first time all night seemed grateful to see his face. Kelley hoped he took the offer to get him away from the asshole before he caused a scene at his best friend’s wedding.

  As soon as Alex stood he knew the man had taken the out. “Luka. Excuse us.” Kelley put his hand on Alex’s lower back and guided him onto the dance floor. He was thankful there was a slow song being played. Alex stopped and turned to face him and Kelley immediately stepped forward into his space, and took the lead, pulling Alex closer, and sending off the message to Luka that Alex was not for the taking.

  “I’m sorry, Kelley.” Alex avoided making eye contact and stared at his chin, like he was ashamed or felt at fault.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. Luka was harassing you and that is never okay even when drunk.”

  “Yeah, I know that. It’s just I hate that you had to step in and do something. I tried to politely get away, to not make a scene but he didn’t understand that I’m not interested.”

  “He’s an asshole. Doesn’t make many friends at work either.”

  “Well it’s not a big deal. Thanks for the rescue either way.”

  As they swayed and moved to the music Alex got more and more relaxed so Kelley took the opportunity to pull him closer. Their chests touched when he placed his hand at the small of Alex’s back. He could feel Alex’s breath on his cheek. Kelley wanted nothing more than to turn his face and take the kiss he’d wanted. But he wasn’t sure it would be welcome at that moment.

  He could feel Alex hard against his hip, the slight shiver that ra
n through him when he rubbed against him as they moved. But that didn’t mean Alex would welcome a public display like that from Kelley.

  He knew Alex was attracted to him, the proof of that was in his body but he wasn’t at all sure if that attraction would lead to action. It was one thing he wasn’t sure Alex wanted. But Kelley wanted. He wanted to explore what was underneath those layers of clothes. And he wanted to lick and taste and bite every inch of the lithe body he was holding.

  In a gruff voice that he barely recognized as his own he said, “Alex. Look at me, please.” At the request, he felt the tension gather in Alex, heard the hitch in his breath but he turned his face toward him. It took all his willpower to not lunge at him with the heated look he was giving Kelley. But the warning to stay back was clear in those eyes as well. So, Kelley listened to what was not spoken and stayed right where he was, not letting go but not pushing for more.

  Alex didn’t relax even the slightest even though his breath became a little fast. Kelley was just about to ask if he was okay when Alex whispered, “I have to get out of here. I have to go. Now.”

  “Okay, that’s okay. I’ll walk you out, Alex.”

  “No. You don’t have to do that. I can…”

  “Alex. Stop. I won’t push you. I’m still your friend. You trust me, right?”

  They both knew what Kelley was referring to. Kelley would never pull something on Alex he didn’t want. Whatever Alex saw in his face must have convinced him that he could trust him because he just gave a slight nod of his head. They turned to walk off the dance floor and right out of the ballroom but he kept his hand on Alex’s lower back.

  They were just nearing the front door when Alex stopped, and looked over his shoulder toward him. “I’m sorry, Kelley. I just can’t. I can’t do this right now…it’s too much.”

  And just like that Alex took off, out the front door. Leaving him standing there trying to figure out what went wrong.

  He woke up the next day feeling like shit. Not only had he run out on Kelley like a coward, but he ended up coming home to Ben being a pushy dickhead about him not staying out later. It was like his best friend was just trying to get him mad at him even more than he already was. Why couldn’t things go back to being easy? Okay things were not easy per say, they never were in his life, but at least less drama would be nice.

  He was ashamed he bolted on Kelley like that, but he couldn’t handle all of that stuff coming at him right then. In public, no less. It was the first time he was in a position that he was that close to a guy that he found attractive since Ryan left. His life so consumed by Evie that he never allowed it, with good reason, no matter what Ben said. Ben didn’t know, maybe couldn’t grasp, that she was priority number one in his life. And that wasn’t going to change.

  Ryan made sure of that. No, that wasn’t fair. Alex was just as much at fault for that going sideways as he was. He’d detached, and let the relationship get to that point. He could’ve done something, but he was so blinded by his need to be there for his sister and his job that he’d lost sight of what he was doing. That night three years ago though, the way Ryan had left him, was worse in his opinion than any neglect on his part.

  As soon as they walked outside after lunch at Apizza Scholls they realized it was raining. Not the typical drizzle so common in Portland but an absolute downpour. Surprised by that turn of events he found himself wishing he had an umbrella. Knowing they couldn’t stand there waiting for it to end, as it could be five minutes or five hours before it stopped, he pulled up the hood on his coat to ward off the worst of the rain.

  Alex turned to Ryan, who had been off all during dinner, grabbing his hand entwining their fingers. He smiled at him hoping to get a smile in return but just like all through dinner Ryan ignored his smile. Even though it was the first time they’d had time to eat alone together in a while Ryan still didn’t seem happy.

  Having Evie, his six-year-old sister, in their lives for almost a year had been difficult on both of them. Alex felt they were handling it the best they could. The adjustment had not been easy since Ryan went to work and school. What made it more difficult was the fact that Alex had a full-time job that sometimes required long hours. What became necessary was switching Ryan’s schedule around so that he went to school online and only worked part-time. Alex being the breadwinner of the two of them made it so they couldn’t afford for him not to work or work part-time. Ryan started looking after her during the day last year after Alex’s mom died in a car accident with Evie in the car.

  At the time, Alex worked at a design firm he got hired onto after an internship. It was tough on all of them. Evie had to have counseling due to the trauma of the wreck and watching their mom die. She needed a lot of attention, especially from Alex, who seemed to be her place of safety since then. She hardly tolerated it when he wasn’t around but he had no choice.

  It was a good day for her so far. So, they decided to take advantage of his surprise day off and Ryan’s break and go grab lunch together while she was at school. Waiting for Ryan to tell him what was bothering him wasn’t going to work. He just kept glancing at Alex with that indecipherable look on his face. Alex hadn’t ever seen that look before, so he wasn’t sure what to expect in way of explanation.

  They had only walked about a block before Ryan stopped abruptly and dropped his hand. Alex turned to look at Ryan and was shocked by the look of fierce determination playing across his face. “Hey, what are you doing? We can’t stop in the rain! Let’s go!” But Ryan didn’t move. He wouldn’t even look at Alex. He just stood there, staring at the sky, like he was hoping it would have the answers he was looking for. When Ryan screamed into the sky Alex was so shocked that it startled him. “Ryan! What…What are you doing?!”

  Ryan turned to look at Alex with a look that spoke of love and regret, and then his face changed. Now all Alex saw was anger and recriminations, making Alex’s heart plummet.

  “I know I shouldn’t do this now but…I can’t do this anymore!! I’ve missed so much of my life doing this.” He moved his hand back and forth between them. “I do my school work, I go to work, and I come home wanting just to be. Just to stop for one second and enjoy not doing, not going. But can I? No, because of this! Because of you!”

  Ryan stopped yelling, his chest heaving from the effort. Their eyes met and like the rain that was jetting off of Ryan’s coat, anguish poured off of him, as the anger fell away. “I sit there with you, next to you and you don’t even see me.”

  And then Ryan said it. The thing Alex never thought he would hear from him. “I’m done. I’m done with this city, with my job, and…and…I just can’t be invisible anymore. This is not the life I wanted.” Ryan’s voice ended on a choked whisper.

  Alex could hear Ryan talking, he could hear his voice but it just didn’t make any sense. His heart was breaking. Alex could feel it pounding in his chest but it was something that was unexplainable. The feeling of losing a piece of himself that was attached to the one person he’d thought of as his everything was excruciating. Until someone experienced it—it was a devastation on the heart, it was a strain on the mind, its physical blow to the body—they couldn’t understand the desolation.

  It was all so…big, so much that it blocked out everything else.

  “I’m sorry. I know you don’t understand and I’m sorry I can’t explain it better. I think…” Ryan shook his head and mumbled, “…this is hard.” Ryan looked down talking so low it was almost too hard to hear, like he was talking to himself instead of Alex. “I’ve gone over this in my mind. Over and over until I can’t think about it anymore. I know this will hurt but I just don’t know what else to do. I know this is for the best. For you, for me. Even for Evie.”

  “Why?” Alex asked, his voice sounding rough and foreign, even to his own ears. He knew the sound though because it was the sound of his heart…breaking, crumbling, shattering. Alex had to stop it. Stop Ryan from leaving them. From leaving him.

  Ryan reached for Alex an
d his fingertips touched Alex’s face. Then his palm cupped his cheek. Oh god, I love how his skin feels against mine. That was what Alex needed, his touch. He realized at some point he had closed his eyes so he opened them and looked into Ryan’s eyes. But what he saw was not the love and happiness he had always seen. No, it couldn’t be happening. All he saw was pain. Ryan’s pain was clear. Alex looked away not wanting to see it.

  “Please, no. Don’t…just stay! I don’t understand.” Alex could feel the tears rushing to the surface as they started to fall. He couldn’t lose him!

  Alex knew Ryan’s hand was on his cheek. He just couldn’t feel it anymore.

  He couldn’t think.

  He didn’t understand.

  He was numb.

  Oh, but the pain, he could feel the pain; shooting down his arms, cramping his stomach, squeezing his heart. Alex mumbled to himself, “I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” His voice was void of anything but pain.

  “I know. Someday you’ll understand. You’ll see this is what you needed, what is best. Please don’t make this any harder. You know I love you and Evie,” Ryan looked down, his eyes filled with sadness before looking back up at Alex, “but I just can’t do this.” Ryan waved his hand motioning between them. “I don’t see you anymore! Even when you’re home you aren’t there. I’m twenty-one years old and I stay home more than my parents do. Alex, that isn’t normal. This isn’t normal.” Ryan dropped his hand from Alex’s cheek and stepped back. “This isn’t what I wanted when this started. This isn’t what we had when this started. I wanted love and…and we had that when we started three years ago.” Ryan paused. Alex saw him swallowing; gathering himself, “But our life changed and I ended up being invisible to you and left behind by everyone else.”

  Alex stepped forward and reached out to stop him. “Please, just don’t do this now. I’ll fix this. I will! I can tell work that…that I can’t stay as many late nights or…or…or we can schedule date nights.” He could hear the pleading in his own voice, the pain, but he didn’t care because it was Ryan and he loved him with his whole heart. “Please just don’t leave me! Please. I can’t lose you too.” Alex’s voice cracked with that last statement.