Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

  “Hi, Kelley.”

  “Hey, David.”

  “What’s up?”

  “I need help. I need you to tell me to stop obsessing over my relationship with Alex.”

  “Stop obsessing over your relationship with Alex. There. Did that help?”

  He wished it was that easy. The wave of a magic wand or the words from a friend and he would be cured. “No.”

  “You’re pouting, Kelley.” David chuckled, and Kelley knew he was right, he was pouting, and he was being difficult.

  “I miss them. Alex and Evie, I miss them, and my house is so quiet, and my brain is so full and I…I just miss them.”

  “I know you do, Kelley. And I’m sure no matter what happened between you last week that they both miss you too. Gone but not forgotten.”

  He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then told his friend the truth. “I just don’t know what to do. Do I try to call him to see if he’s calmed down, changed his mind, gotten help, been abducted by aliens? I need to know how to fix this.”

  “Kelley, you are my best friend. I love you, but you have a fixer problem. You can’t fix people. You can help them if and when they ask. You can love them. But you can’t fix them, and you definitely can’t fix Alex.”

  His mother hen thing had always been a joke among his friends and family. Something they laughed about, but now it was the one thing that had probably pushed Alex away. “Maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I mean he clearly wasn’t willing to trust me or give me what I was more than willing to give him.”

  “That could be. Things moved pretty fast for a guy that didn’t want more than just sex and companionship, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah. But silly me thought I could get him to want more the whole time convincing myself it’s what we both needed and wanted.” And didn’t that make him feel like a selfish bastard.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Kelley. But what you must remember is that you are a good guy and that Alex’s life has not been easy. Losing both parents, getting custody of his little sister, who has been through a traumatic event, and then the man he loved that he relied on leaving him out of the blue. Those things aren’t easy to get past.”

  And Kelley had done the one thing he promised not to do…push. “I just wanted to help. I was afraid because he’s been having panic attacks and denial was his favorite word.”

  “It’s scary to know the person you care about won’t get the help they need, but you need to allow him to figure that out on his own now. You did your best. He’s a good guy, he’ll find his way.”

  Alex was the best. Kelley just had to have faith that he would get the help he needed. “And I need to do that for myself too. Take the time to heal and move forward.”

  “Whatever you think is best, Kelley. You know we’re here for you. Anytime.”

  “And I’m glad I’ve got you guys, thanks for listening and making sense when not much does right now.” Kelley would be forever grateful he found these guys and they managed to stick together in life.

  “Do you want to go out tonight? Get a drink or something? I can even leave Charlie home. It’d do us both some good.”

  Kelley wasn’t really in the mood to be around people. Not that rambling around his big empty house was doing him any good. “Maybe. But not tonight.”

  “You want me to come over? We can get drunk and act like we’re in our twenties again.”

  Kelley laughed, his friend was always good for a mini pick me up. “Let’s grab drinks later in the week. But we’re too old to act like we’re in our twenties and get drunk. But, you wanna meet me at the hardware store instead?”

  “Umm, what for?”

  “I’m going to repaint. I’ve wanted to do it for a while. What better time for a new project to lose myself in and one that’ll bring me a little change, you know?”

  “Only you pass up getting drunk to heal a broken heart and pick home improvements instead. Peter would have a field day with this.”

  They both laughed once again making Kelley feel a little bit better, and he’d known that was what he needed. Friends and painting. “Yeah, that’s me. An egg of a different color.”

  “Alright, Kelley. I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”

  Thirty minutes later, cart in hand, they made their way through the local hardware store looking at all the paint types and myriad of colors to choose from. After talking to one of the employees Kelley decided on high gloss paint in six different paint colors, and tape, and plastic for the floor, and pans. He may have gone a bit overboard, but he wanted it done right.

  At least that was what David told him when they had to carry all of the stuff from his truck up the path and into the house.

  Because maybe if he gave Alex enough time, held tightly to his hope that they could come back from it, he would have his house filled with all the things it was missing again.

  And every day he would keep his optimism that Alex would find the peace he needed to move on in his life. He didn’t want to be another piece of his past weighing him down.

  Alex had never woken up feeling like he didn’t even know who he was anymore. He felt so lost, so out of place in his own life. The fight with Kelley had left a mark. One that he couldn’t find and if he couldn’t find it how was he going to heal it or make it go away.

  Evie had been careful around him. She tried to play it off like she was just being good and listening and being helpful but he could see his heart break was taking a toll on her too.

  The exact reason why he hadn’t wanted his relationship with Kelley to take the path it had. He didn’t want his sister to suffer for his mistakes. Alex had made that promise all those years ago to his dad, and he kept it. Until now.

  Because Kelley was right. Alex needed help.

  Panic attacks.

  He’d been having panic attacks.

  It was like admitting to his panic attacks and worry, and fear had suddenly lifted blinders that he’d been living with all that time. Alex could feel it now. There’s that void in him.

  It took over his soul.

  He never realized it was there. He recognized now that the void must have grown so slowly that he never noticed. Or he had become blind to it.

  And now it had felt like such a part of who he was that he didn’t know if he could change it. Did he even want to?

  He felt lost.

  And alone.

  Hopeless.

  That’s what the void was. Hopelessness. It was everywhere inside him, taking over, pushing out happiness and trust and love, replacing it with that feeling of pain and emptiness.

  Loneliness. That was there too. He knew he had let them grow. He’d known what loss and heartbreak could do to a person. He just never acknowledged what it was doing to him. Can I admit it out loud now?

  But how did he not see the signs? How had feeling lost and alone become completely normal? How had he let the void fill him so entirely?

  Alex missed the not knowing. He missed feeling every day that who he was, what he felt was just…right. Feelings that he felt for years now felt off. Dirty. They made his skin itch. His heart race. His clogged throat snapped shut, all he could hear was his heartbeat vibrating in his chest, and his eyes burned with unshed turns.

  He stopped missing being touched.

  No longer missed the laughter of friends.

  No longer craved the love of a man.

  No longer wanted.

  Until Kelley.

  Kelley’s warmth that just radiated off him, spread through Alex every time the man spoke in his deep calming timbre, every time he smiled with that amused smirk that danced on his lips, every time he looked into Alex’s eyes like he was searching for his secrets, every time he touched him.

  Kelley’s touch made him feel so much that words could not describe it.

  It was his fault.

  Alex could’ve gone his whole life believing that was who he was and never feeling it was wrong. Not until Kelley.

&nb
sp; Alex had made him go away. Pushed Kelley to hate him, probably to not want to be with him.

  Maybe Alex could go back to the not knowing. The not needing. There was safety in those feelings. No risk to his heart. No danger of pain. He had the love of his little sister.

  Couldn’t he just go back to that?

  Alex didn’t know. He already had begun to crave just being around Kelley. Kelley made him feel. Feel all the things he pushed away for so long. Feelings he locked away behind that door in his mind.

  How can he turn back to what he was or how he was before him?

  No.

  He couldn’t. God help him but he couldn’t. Alex knew with a fire so bright that Kelley could help him burn away the hopelessness and loneliness and fill it with love and warmth and comfort. Alex wanted that. He needed that to go on.

  To be there for Evie the way she needed him to be.

  To be whole again.

  He needed Kelley to show him the love so he could be who he wanted to be, to deal with the loss of his parents and the loss of his first love. To work through all the pain he’d hidden from himself, never dealing with it.

  And the loss of himself.

  That saying “Easier said than done” rang so true here. Alex could admit to himself that he needed Kelley, wanted him. For hopefully, exactly what Kelley wanted for them too.

  He just couldn’t admit to Kelley what he realized about himself because what man his age didn’t know himself enough to see what had been happening inside of them for so long? Especially when Kelley had been there and seen exactly what Alex had been in complete denial over.

  He was still trying to wrap his mind around that fact.

  No one had tried so hard not to let Alex push them away. Kelley had been there all the time helping him, and the least Alex could do was be honest with him.

  Alex failed to at least try to move past the pain he was now aware that ate up most of who he was. Failed him by staying but doing nothing to earn Kelley. He failed at many things, he couldn’t fail at that.

  But first, he needed to get help. There was no way he could do it on his own.

  Getting up out of bed, Alex made his way to Evie’s room, finding her sitting on her floor playing with her dolls. “Hey, sweet girl.”

  She looked up at him and smiled. He loved that smile. “Hey, Alex. Wanna play with me?”

  “I can’t right now, but I did want to say something to you.” Taking a deep breath, he continued, “I’m sorry, Evie. I’m sorry for you having to overhear mine and Kelley’s argument last week. I’m sorry that I’m not taking care of myself properly so that I can take care of you.”

  “That’s okay, Alex. I know you work hard for us. I miss Kelley. Don’t you?”

  “Yes, of course. But, Evie, life doesn’t work that way. I said some mean things to Kelley, and he may not want to come back.”

  “Oh, no, you guys are going to get married and have babies and all sorts of married couple things. And you’re going to be happy again because Kelley makes you happy.”

  Kelley did make him happy, and now more than ever he was feeling like a fool for thinking, or rather not thinking, that Evie couldn’t see what had been going on with him. Alex was so blinded by everything that he hadn’t seen what was right in front of his face. And his baby sister had seen it all through her innocent vision of the world.

  “Thanks for that vote of confidence but first I need to fix something that’s broken. But please don’t get your hopes up, Evie. I hurt Kelley a lot that night, and he more than likely is still very hurt.”

  “Don’t lose hope, Alex. Katie from camp taught us all a saying: ‘The good life is a process, not a state of being.’ Wait, there’s more to it. Umm, I’m sorry I forget, but I think it had something to do with driving or something.”

  Alex laughed, the irony was not lost on him. The whole quote was ‘The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.’

  That quote hung up at Kelley’s house. The first time he’d read it he thought it was silly and stupid. Each time he went back to Kelley’s he would read it until one day he got what it meant. He hadn’t agreed with it, but maybe it was right, maybe he had to move forward and not just be.

  Alex was nervous.

  Ten days ago, he’d taken his life back into his hands and called a therapist. Making the appointment had been the easy part. Driving here had been the hardest.

  Driving here meant he was doing it. He would have to acknowledge out loud to someone other than himself that he needed help and that he had panic attacks. Those words still sent his stomach for a loop.

  Good thing he hadn’t eaten before he had come to the doctor’s office. He might throw up.

  Alex had been sitting outside the building for over twenty minutes trying and failing, to push himself to get up off that bench and go inside. Inside was a fresh start. Not an easy one he was sure, but one that was needed if he wanted to be the big brother to Evie that he had once promised his dad he would be.

  Evie didn’t know, of course. He would tell her. She’d grown to love going to therapy, maybe he would too. Not likely but trying to put a positive spin on the whole affair was better than having to tell the receptionist he’d puked on their lawn.

  That morning Evie had made him a card before she got carted off to day camp. It was made with construction paper he’d bought her and covered it in hearts and flowers and what Alex thought might be a Ninja Turtle. It was a simple card saying, “Have a nice day” and “I love you,” but on a day like that day it meant the world to him.

  Alex brought the card with him, a reminder of why he was there.

  He blew out of breath and stood. After shaking out his hands to stop them from trembling, he made his way to the second floor of the building and into his new doctor’s office.

  He sat fidgeting in the waiting room chair picking up and putting down about a half a dozen magazines before the doctor called his name. Alex followed him down the hall, breathing deeply, trying his damnedest to calm his nerves.

  Sitting in the chair and being the patient was extremely new to him. Looking around the space with new eyes, Alex had a great appreciation for people who lived with mental health issues every day and fought every day to get up and live and smile.

  He stopped smiling before Kelley.

  Alex was there for himself as much as he was for Kelley. Because someday he will tell the guy with the bright green eyes and big heart that he turned his world upside down and made him fall in love with him.

  “Mr. Davidson? Are you ready to get started?”

  “Yeah…Yes, I am.”

  “Why don’t you tell me why you’re here today?”

  “I’ve…” Taking a deep breath and letting it out he tried again. “I’ve had panic attacks, and I think I need help.”

  Two weeks later Alex found himself nervous all over again. He called Ben to see if he would come over to the apartment. Evie was at day camp so she would be far away from whatever happened between them. But after talking to his therapist, he knew that was a step he had to take.

  Having his family around him as he went through each day and each session was one way to ensure he would be successful. And nothing would make him happier than to finally have his best friend back. If that was possible after everything that was said between them.

  He knew that Ben was still as obstinate as they could come and may not want to hear what Alex had to say. But he would not be deterred.

  Each step Alex took forward would bring him to a place that maybe one day if he owned up to his mistakes, he could get back the man he loved.

  Maybe.

  Grabbing the list of all the things he needed to say to Ben off his desk, he made his way to the living room. He’d gone over the list a million times but one more time couldn’t hurt.

  Being prepared allowed him to stay relaxed and staying calm could mean getting his friend back. If they both lost their cool and started to yell Alex’s fear was tha
t one or both would say something they didn’t mean, ruining a lifelong friendship, breaking up their family. Something Alex did not want. He needed him, needed Ben to be on his side again.

  At the sound of the doorbell Alex’s nerves soared. Damnit, I can’t lose it now. Taking a moment, he stopped, cleared his mind. Alex needed it to go well. He needed to think of his end goal.

  As he took measured breaths, calming himself down, Alex thought over all the things he needed to say, all the things he wanted to get across.

  He thought of his family.

  His best friend.

  His sister.

  And even Kelley.

  He walked over to the door, opening it to his best friend.

  They were opposite in so many ways. Alex was tanned to Ben’s pale. Alex was lean, where Ben was muscular. Alex had brown eyes, where Ben had blue. It was the thing that had set them apart in school. Alex had loved books, and Ben loved sports. It was probably why the kids in their school had assumed Ben would be like so many others and bully Alex instead of being friends with him when he had come out.

  But he wasn’t. Ben was a good guy. Now Alex just needed the big-hearted idiot to open his ears and listen otherwise that wouldn’t work.

  “Hey, dude.”

  Alex hated that Ben said that, even taught Evie to say it, but he would gladly hear it over and over if he got his friend back. Well, maybe. “Hey.”

  He stepped back letting Ben walk into the apartment as he asked, “How’s little Evie liking camp this summer?”

  “She loves it again, of course. Katie is her camp counselor still, and she’s teaching her famous quotes and poems. You know how she loves that stuff.”

  Ben smiled at him as they sat down on opposite ends of the couch, Alex couldn’t help but return it. “Yeah, she’s a weird one, like her brother.”

  “Oh, shut it, you ass.”

  There was a long uncomfortable silence with neither of them saying anything. Alex had hoped Ben would start them off since as much as Alex took plenty of blame for their situation, Ben had played a bigger part. Alex needed to know that Ben understood what he’d done wrong.