Letting Go

by Morningstar Ashley

Now, that guy made him nervous. He knew from what Kelley told him that he wasn’t that happy-go-lucky type but not an asshole either, just protective of his friends. And definitely of Kelley, since he thought him dating someone Alex’s age with a kid in the picture was a no go.

  “I’m only doing this once so listen up. Formal introduction time. Alex, this is River Danes and Peter Piper.” Piper? Big tough guy’s last name was Piper? Oh god, it would be a terrible time for him to laugh. “River, Peter, this is my boyfriend, Alex Davidson.”

  Peter opened his mouth to say something but before he could River jumped in first. “How do you feel about yoga?”

  Kelley groaned putting his palm to his forehead. “River.”

  “Kel, it’s an important question.”

  Was he serious? Alex knew nothing about yoga other than watching Kelley do it. Watching Kelley stretch and bend his body while completely oblivious to Alex staring and getting turned on from him, was akin to him watching porn. He just hadn’t ever jerked off to Kelley’s yoga. At last not while he was there anyway.

  Everyone was staring at him. “I don’t know…” He probably should answer, but afterward, he wished he hadn’t. “Watching Kelley do it is hot,” had come spilling out of his mouth. He could feel his face getting hotter by the second. Alex could not fucking believe he said that out loud. He blamed Kelley. Surely, it was his fault.

  Everyone laughed which he guessed was a good thing even if it had to be at his expense. Well, everyone except Peter. Peter was looking at him with narrowed eyes. It had Alex wondering what he had done wrong and was that guy ever going to like him.

  “Do more yoga in front of Alex when we’re alone. Check,” Kelley said with a wink and that evil smirk on his face.

  “Oh, great,” Alex mumbled in return.

  Kelley wrapped his arm around Alex’s waist, kissing the side of his head. Once again Alex found himself leaning into that feeling of happy and safe that Kelley always gave him, closing his eyes to savor it. For a brief moment, it was just the two of them, and Alex wasn’t as nervous.

  That was until he opened his eyes and saw the questioning look on Peter’s face. Alex decided there wasn’t much he could do to get the guy to like him. He was just going to enjoy the night and be himself, or rather the self that Kelley helped him be. He smiled at Peter before they all broke apart bringing all the food and drinks out onto the lower deck to eat.

  Kelley had proven over and over how reliable he was, how much Alex could lean on him and know that he would always take the weight whenever he needed him to. He was there giving him a place that the world of worry that Alex lived with every day, every minute, didn’t touch, allowing him to relax and laugh and…love.

  Even during one of his episodes, when the stress got to be too much, Kelley was there penetrating the bubble of fear and pain he was pulled into. But with all that, Alex still couldn’t manage to let go, let his walls completely down, or give back to Kelley even a fraction of what he gave to Alex. Kelley was in his life, no doubts about it, and Alex was in his. Friends and Evie and work, it was all tangled, and those tangles caused knots, which led to trying to unravel them when the time came.

  A complication that Alex didn’t want, and one that, with every part he gave to Kelley, he felt like when the other shoe fell he’d be left tattered and broken.

  Emotions getting mixed into it was never what he wanted, not what Alex thought he could even handle, but here he was…in love.

  And how fucking scary was that.

  Alex just didn’t know if he could go the rest of the way, giving Kelley his whole heart. There would always be that fear that he would break it, leave Alex, and that time he wouldn’t be able to lock it behind his walls because Kelley has been knocking them down piece by piece.

  Alex heard the front door open and close then voices carried down the hall to his bedroom where he was working. It must’ve been Kelley since that was his regular time to come over on Mondays. Evie had probably come out of her room where he put her after she had come home from a day camp field trip a ball of energy to eat her dinner and watch some TV. Just her happy chatter had set his teeth on edge.

  Happy chatter turned into annoying noise real quick. Alex didn’t know what it was that was bothering him. Maybe all the thinking about Kelley and his place in his life? Or maybe he was just having one of those days that everyone gets where you wake up, and the world feels too small, too abrasive. Everything rubs you the wrong way. Because Evie just being Evie had done that to him, and he never felt that way about her. She was his happy place.

  It was probably not helped by the phone call he had from Ben today. Alex hadn’t picked up but just hearing Ben’s voice on the recording hurt enough. They were still at an impasse of sorts. Ben said he wanted to apologize but Alex no longer trusted his best friend. Trusted his word that he understood what he did wrong and that he was truly sorry. It felt like the life he had now was one he didn’t recognize.

  But the last thing he needed on top of everything else was Evie tattling on him about his cranky behavior. Because there was no doubt that she saw the forced smile he tried to spread across his face while gritting his teeth.

  Alex had gone to the living room, finding them both cuddled on the love seat watching one of Evie’s favorite cartoons. Kelley looked up at him with a small smile on his lips. “Evie, you shouldn’t be watching cartoons. You should be reading or maybe clean that messy room of yours!” Alex barked at her, her eyes had grown wide as she stared at him. Kelley was looking at him like he was a puzzle to figure out, and Alex couldn’t blame him. “Never mind.” Without another word, he turned and continued into the kitchen.

  Something about Kelley sitting on his loveseat with his sister annoyed him. He knew it was probably just his pissy attitude, but he couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t help but get mad, slamming things around as he made himself a snack, his annoyance just grew.

  Alex had just turned around to drop the spoon he had used to dish his ice cream into the sink when he noticed Kelley, leaning, arms crossed over his chest, in the entryway of the kitchen.

  “What?” Irritation evident in his voice.

  The only response he got from Kelley was a raised eyebrow.

  Not in the mood to play his games today Alex turned away finishing up with his snack. Grabbing his bowl, he planned to go back into his room and sit at his desk, but Kelley hadn’t moved out of his way.

  “Is there something you need to say? If so, spit it out I have work to do.”

  “Something bothering you today, baby?”

  “Yes, everything and stop calling me that.” Alex glared at him. He knew he wasn’t truly mad at Kelley, knew he was being unreasonable. Alex loved when Kelley called him that. No one had ever done that before. But something was pushing him to lash out at those around him.

  Alex wanted nothing more than to sink into those arms, feel safe, and just release all that tension that had spread through him. He wanted that. But he couldn’t. Alex didn’t know exactly why, but he couldn’t allow himself the luxury of leaning on Kelley right then.

  Alex needed to do that on his own, figure out on his own what his problem was. He was leaning too much on Kelley, and when the day came that he left Alex, and he would, Alex didn’t want to think that there would be a possibility that he couldn’t handle life and all its shit on his own.

  Kelley stood there staring at him for another minute, their eyes locked. Alex wouldn’t give into those bright green eyes, not that time. Without a word, a moment later Kelley stepped back. “Finally,” he grumbled out as he passed as he walked back to his room.

  Not feeling a damn bit better either.

  Not realizing hours had passed until he finally looked up at the clock, he jumped out of his seat, seeing it was just past Evie’s bedtime. When he entered the living room all he saw was Kelley sitting on the couch reading a book.

  “Where’s Evie?” Alex snapped at him.

  Kelley hadn’t even looked up when he replied,
“In bed. I tucked her in about five minutes ago. We were a little bit late, but she wanted to watch the end of a new episode of her cartoon.”

  “You put her to bed?” He glared at Kelley.

  It wasn’t that Kelley hadn’t done it before, it was that they had done it without even asking him. Like Kelley was trying to replace him. That hurt. Evie had always relied on just him, and now Kelley had come in and started taking over.

  “Yes? You were busy, so we thought we’d give you the time you need to finish up.”

  “I could’ve done it, all you had to do was remind me of the time. I would stop my work for her.” Alex was angry now. No one had the right to take away his responsibility. He had made a promise, damn it.

  Kelley sat up, placing the book down on the end table next to the couch, forearms on his knees, he leaned forward. “What’s going on, Alex? You’re being a bit of a prick today.”

  Although there was no heat or anger in those words they inflamed Alex. His skin felt tight on his body. He fucking felt twitchy and anxious, and it was Kelley’s fault. If only the man could not butt in and try to take over and fix everything.

  “Nothing is going on other than you trying to take over every part of my life. I can take care of my sister on my own, Kelley.”

  Kelley regarded him for a minute, probably looking to see if Alex was going to fall into his arms like he did every other time. Well, not that time. He was standing on his own two feet.

  “Have you been having more of your panic attacks?”

  “It’s none of your fucking business if I have had any more of those episodes, Kelley.” And at that reminder, Alex realized that’s what was going on. Finally focusing on his body, he felt that his breath had gone a little shallow, a cold sweat had broken on his forehead, his hands were shaky.

  Fuck! Another stupid thing he didn’t need right now. And Alex did not want Kelley here for that one. Didn’t want to need him or let him see Alex’s weakness.

  Again.

  Taking a deep breath, he counted to ten, then twenty, doing that until his heart rate calmed down.

  When he opened his eyes, Kelley was now standing, looking like he was ready to run across the room to catch him if he fell. It made Alex feel a twinge of guilt for yelling at him. But he couldn’t rely on him to fix or run his life. Alex had to do that on his own.

  “Baby, I know if you stopped and admitted the truth to yourself you’d know they aren’t what you say they are. They’re panic attacks, and you need help. A therapist—”

  Pointing his finger at Kelley, he growled out, “No! Stop this right now. I told you to leave it alone, and you keep fucking pushing. You’re becoming just like Ben. I don’t understand what is with everyone in my life wanting to say they’re ‘helping’ when it’s just you trying to take over.”

  The more he lashed out, the angrier he got. “You think I can’t handle my life? I was handling it just fine before you came along, you know?”

  “I know, and I don’t want to take control of your life. I just want to help. Baby, think about how smart your sister is, how much she sees, think about all the things you think you’re hiding from her, but she probably knows, think about how that affects her, Alex. What seeing you like that does to her.”

  “I cannot believe you have the nerve to bring my sister into this. You have no idea what she is capable of. You think you know her just because you did bedtime once or twice but you haven’t been the one there for her from the start. I have! You don’t know her.”

  “You’re right. Alex, you know her better than anyone. I would never try to take your place or even match it. But, think about what you not running on all cylinders does to her. Think about what it does to her to see you this way.”

  “I cannot believe you. You’re trying to use my sister against me as some sort of emotional blackmail.” Alex shook his head surprised at the pain in his heart. It had always been a sore spot for him. People questioning him at how he raised his sister. Was he too young? Could he handle a child with so many issues? And now Kelley, the man he loved, was doing the same thing.

  That was what he got for letting someone in.

  Looking down at the floor, he said, “I’m done. I just can’t do this anymore. You don’t trust me with my sister, you question my decisions, and you’re trying to take over.” Alex’s voice came out so quiet but sharp and calm. Alex looked up at Kelley’s face seeing the shock, the flare of pain in his eyes but he couldn’t back down. He would not be pushed into doing what others wanted.

  “Alex? Please don’t do this. You know I’m only trying to help you. I don’t want—”

  “No. Kelley, I’m done. You hear me? No more. Go home. Don’t call, don’t come back, just forget everything. I knew this could never work. It’s on me that I let it get this far.”

  Kelley shook his head and looked down. Alex would not be swayed by the hurt he was inflicting on him. He couldn’t. He was doing what was best for both of them. Kelley looked up, staring right at him Alex could see him swallow. Then he nodded his head just slightly, grabbed his stuff and walked out the door.

  Alex stayed rooted to his spot. His heart lay in a million pieces at his feet, but his resolve remained firm. He could do it, lock it away now while he had the chance. That way later Kelley couldn’t hurt him more when he was more dependent on needing him.

  As his thoughts had been racing through his mind, Evie had come out of her room looking like she hadn’t even been to sleep. He had gone to speak when she spoke before he could.

  “I love you, Alex, but Kelley is right. You always looked sad when you’d thought I wasn’t looking, then I told you to get a friend, and you didn’t look so sad anymore. You always say sometimes we need to ask for help like when I was trying to learn to tie my shoes, and I wouldn’t let you give me a hand. But then you were there, and you taught me how to tie my shoes. And you told me that’s why we have the people we love and who love us close, just in case we need them. I know you know how to tie your shoes Alex, but maybe Kelley can teach you other things. And I don’t like my attacks so maybe if you are having them you should see Dr. Cove. She’s nice, and she has toys.”

  Alex didn’t know what to say, he had been so shocked he stood frozen in place. But Evie had been undeterred, she walked over, went on her tip toes reaching up and pulled him down and kissed his cheek. As she walked away, she called out, “Goodnight.”

  And now he had no idea what to think.

  Today was the second worst Monday of his life.

  It had been a week ago to the day that Alex told him to go. And yeah it was probably a bit depressing and maybe a smidge over-dramatic but that’s the kind of mood Kelley was in.

  He wasn’t typically the mopey type. He always held onto the positive through any situation. Seeing that silver lining that would lead him to find a way through. He’d always known that about himself. He’d also known that being mopey concerned his friends and accomplished nothing other than concerning his friends.

  But trying, and most likely failing, to be happy didn’t do anything either. Kelley needed to give himself time to be broken, to hold onto a bit of hope, and just be. He put on a smile, the one he usually reserved for an annoying employee or his cousin Steve when he came to visit since Steve had never learned what personal space meant. Or deodorant.

  He stood by the large window that was behind his desk. Looking out at all the people rushing around the city, he felt alone. It was a feeling he hadn’t often experienced in his life.

  Kelley could get his friends to come over to his quiet house, fill it with noise, make him feel better for a short time. But when they all left Kelley would still live in a house that had once been filled with laughter and Evie and what he hoped had been love.

  One thing he was doing that was probably making things worse for himself was the overthinking. Kelley would sit and think over every text, every call, and every conversation he had with Alex wondering how he could’ve been better, what he could’ve done differe
ntly, and how he could’ve been more. Like if Kelley could find that answer he would be with Alex.

  That led him back to the thought that stopped all the others.

  It wasn’t about him.

  Kelley could’ve been perfect in every way, and Alex would’ve found the flaw that would’ve allowed him to throw Mr. Perfect to the curb.

  Alex needed help. Professional help.

  And Kelley, even with his broken heart, still wanted that for him. Still hoped someone could get through. Maybe Alex hadn’t cared for him as much as Kelley cared, maybe he just thought he saw the love in his eyes or felt in his touch. Or maybe he wanted so badly for Alex to smile at him with that big, open, bright-as-the-sun smile he’d given little Evie that day at the coffee shop that he only saw what he wanted to see.

  Thinking, or more than likely, obsessing over it did diddly squat to make him figure it all out. And worse it was affecting his work. Things had been slipping his mind. Poor Delilah had to poke and prod at him a lot more often than she ever had before.

  He might need to give her a bigger bonus that year.

  Thankfully his gloomy thoughts were interrupted by Delilah reminding him of the string of interviews that he and Ian were conducting for the interns that would be starting next quarter.

  And then the day was off and running with little time for thoughts of Alex to interrupt. Eight intern interviews, a soggy lunch, and too many emails later he was finding his way out of his office waving goodbye to the staff and heading home.

  The second worst Monday of his life was nearly over.

  Kelley puttered around the house cleaning and organizing. After that, he heated some food. Deciding that sitting outside was a good distraction from the emptiness of his house, he sat out on the deck to eat.

  Which of course had reminded him of some very steamy late nights with Alex.

  Kelley sighed.

  Maybe the office wouldn’t remind him of Alex.

  When none of that stuff helped he finally broke down, sat on his couch, and called the most level-headed friend he knew to talk some sense into him.