Keep Jumping / No Hating

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  Please Go

  We’re in a restaurant, Amir, and I’m not gonna get loud and crazy with you. I think it’s stupid that you won’t get out there on the football team and try to play,” I yelled. I could not hold my big mouth. I tried and failed.

  Amir flinched and said, “Whatever, woman, you don’t even know what you want. What’s stupid is you want status and are afraid to let your heart really like somebody for who they are on the inside. If they are not a baller, and your friends don’t know him, you gonna turn your back.”

  “What? Are you calling me shallow?” I huffed. I crossed my arms in defiance.

  “I call it like I see it, baby,” Amir said. He wasn’t trying to smooth over what he was insinuating.

  “What about jerk? That’s your name,” I said. I stood up and grabbed some water that was on our table and doused his face. I was burning up. “I do like you. But I push the people I care about. Gosh!”

  I could not get out of that restaurant fast enough. The only problem was when I got outside, I realized I did not drive. My car was at the gym. So I reached into my purse to call Charli to see if she could come and sweep me up. But before I could get my phone—in the blink of an eye—my purse was snatched from me. I tried to scream, but a strong hand covered my mouth. Amir spun me around like a top and then his lips were touching mine. We had just been so hot and angry with each other, and now we had heat and passion going in a different way.

  However, I did not know what I was doing. Not only was I caught off guard, but his tongue was rolling around in my mouth. I did not know which way my tongue should roll, and it kept getting caught up. I was so awkward. It was like I was thinking too hard about it all, and I did not know how to let my body just relax and enjoy the moment. I had no experience in this area.

  I was not a virgin, but I had never kissed a guy. Last year I got busy with this senior dude, but there was no intimacy. There was no real connection. The guy was just trying to feel good, and I was trying to dull my life’s pain. He did not care about connecting with me, and now that Amir was trying to do that, I was a mess.

  Amir’s mouth opened a little bit, and he placed his hands on both sides of my head. I could feel that he cared. I could feel that he wanted to be with me. I could feel that this was right, but as I tried to express myself back that same way, I bit him.

  “I’m so sorry. Oh my gosh. Did that hurt?” I said when I saw a little blood.

  He just said ouch and started laughing. I could not believe he was snickering. This was serious to me. I really wanted to know how to do this, but he thought it was funny that I did not know. Call me sensitive, but at that moment I was appalled.

  “How could you laugh?”

  “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the moment. Ease up. Can’t you tell by the kiss that I care? Don’t give me a hard time about this. We’ve always been able to talk, Hallie,” Amir said, trying touch me.

  “Yeah, we’ve been able to talk but not laugh at each other.” I walked away. But where could I go? I was stranded without my car, so I turned back to Amir. “Can you just take me home, please?”

  “Can I talk to you?” he said. He walked over and grabbed my hand.

  When I turned to face to him my cheeks were covered with salty tears. It looked like I was the one who just had H2O splashed in my face or something.

  “What is wrong? Talk to me.”

  “No, just take me home, please. Take me back to get my car or something. Let’s just get out of here,” I struggled to say. I was really embarrassed because we were starting to look like some kind of reality show.

  Amir flared his nose and got a little salty. “See, that’s what I’m saying, you care too much about what other people think.”

  “I know I’m not perfect. Is that what you want me to say? Can you just take me back to get my car? Please, Amir?” I cried.

  “It was just a kiss. You’ll get it. It’s no big deal. Come here, we can try it again,” Amir said, as he put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

  I pushed him hard. Finally he listened and we got in his car. We did not say anything all the way to the gym. When we arrived, I quickly got out and headed to my car. Amir followed me.

  “Just leave me alone, Amir. I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t ready for all of this. I wasn’t trying to mislead you or anything like that, I just . . .”

  He pulled me to him and held me really tight. At that point I didn’t have to keep explaining myself. I didn’t have to keep making excuses. I didn’t have to say I was sorry. He was there, and his actions showed me he cared.

  “I wish I had a mom to teach me all this stuff,” I blurted out. It was hard to hold in my deepest feelings. “If she was in my life, and if she was with me, she would be my mom instead of out in the streets doing who knows what. If she was around, I’d know how to do simple stuff like … kiss.”

  Being really sweet and understanding, Amir said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I couldn’t imagine your mom teaching you how to French kiss. Ease up, you’re stressing. I’m here. Heck, for all I know I could’ve been doing it wrong. I don’t want you to get all wound up.”

  “I just wish my mom was here. She and I could at least talk about me getting nervous when a boy puts his lips on mine. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I’m even saying this to you.”

  He turned my face to his and said, “Hallie, do you like me?”

  Without thinking, I said, “A lot.”

  “Then let’s go for this again.”

  He kissed my left cheek, and then he kissed my right cheek. He cupped my face with his hands once again. He kissed my forehead, and before I knew it he was kissing my lips, once, twice, then three times. Naturally, my lips parted, and we were kissing, tonguing, and enjoying each other. I knew he had stepped back from me because I could feel the breeze between us. However, my eyes were still closed, and my lips were still puckered. He didn’t dare laugh. I guess he was staring like a guy who was smitten.

  When I opened my eyes he said, “That’s all for now. When you let what we’re feeling take over, you don’t have to get caught up in whether you’re doing it right or wrong. I just need to know you like me. I just need to know you care. I just need to know you wanna try, and we’ll figure out the rest.”

  “All right,” I smiled, feeling good.

  Did this mean that he was my boyfriend? I couldn’t ask, but I knew I did not want anyone else to touch me. I thought it was going to be impossible for me to learn how to flip, but Amir helped me to overcome that phobia. I never thought I’d have a guy who stuck around and was there for me after what happened last year.

  I didn’t want to leave his side, but he said, “Go on home. I’ll call you later. I need to talk to my boss inside.”

  I wanted to feel his lips against mine one more time before I left, but the memory would have to do for now. When he got to the door, Lexus let him in. She looked over at me with a brutal stare. She must have seen us connect. She was not happy but I surely was. Who needs a football player when you’ve got a gentleman?

  “Hallie, seriously, girl, you are not performing it right. You’re all over the place. Everyone knows the routine except for you,” Charli said to me as delicately as she possibly could.

  This was hard. I had practiced the routine at home. I had it down. I had gone over my moves again and again, but when it came time to practice, they rearranged things. While that may not have seemed like a big deal for most of the squad, it threw the whole thing off for me.

  I looked back over at the girls and most of them were not happy with me. Arms were folded. Eyes were rolling in my direction. It was clear that I was the weak link they wanted to cut out. Our first competition was coming up in three weeks. I wanted to make excuses. I wanted to tell Charli it wasn’t my fault, and that she should stop changing stuff. But if everyone else got it except me, then it meant that I needed a little more work.

  Charli scolded, “Last couple of days we’ve been staying after s
chool, and you are nowhere around. What’s going on with you, Hallie? Is there something more going on with your dad? Are you having to work a job or something?”

  “Why is she still on the team anyway?” the co-captain, Whitney, whined so loudly that even people in the parking lot could hear her.

  I knew our squad was more than just a cheering team for the boys. We had a mission. We were trying to win a state cheerleading title and hopefully qualify to compete nationally at the ESPN cheerleading competition in Orlando. There was a lot riding on us, and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

  However, it was not like I wasn’t trying. Actually, I was getting really tired of putting up with the backstabbing talk. Hearing negative talk did not affect some folks, but it crushed me. My team needed to know that I was not okay with it.

  I rushed over to Whitney and said, “What? If you have something to say to me … if you want to talk about me … then I’m right here. You don’t have to do it behind my back. What do you wanna say?” I pushed her. “What, cat’s got your tongue? You’re too scared to say anything now? I’m standing right here. You wanna talk about me? You wanna bring it on? You think I can’t cut it? Tell me now, witch!”

  Whitney ran behind Charli. “Can you please get your friend? She’s crazy and I don’t fight.”

  Randal gave me a look that said, Whoa, settle down! Eva and Ella pulled me to the side. I could tell they both wanted to strangle me.

  “What are you doing?” Ella exclaimed.

  In a more direct tone, Eva added, “You can’t go around pushing on folks. You’re gonna get thrown off the team. Is that what you want?”

  “You two think I don’t deserve to be here either. So what difference does it make if I get kicked off or if I quit?”

  “Ain’t no need in having an attitude with us,” Eva said. “Charli’s right. We’re here after school the last couple of weeks going over these routines. You have been MIA. I know it wasn’t mandatory, but everybody thinks that you’re the first person who needs to be here to practice. So what’s up? Charli might buy that bull about your lack of cash flow, but please, we know your dad’s got it going on right now with his car repair shop. Ain’t nobody buying new cars. Everybody’s getting what they got fixed. Your dad’s raking in the dough. So where you been?”

  If I could’ve socked my friend, I would have. They thought I was goofing off when I was working overtime on my tumbling. But I was already way too heated, so I just balled my fist and walked away.

  Coach Woods stepped outside of her office and yelled, “Hallie, let me see you right now, please.”

  I didn’t actually realize I was being so forceful with Whitney. However, I was not going to try to justify why I was all in her face. She was talking about me, and she did deserve a little shove so she would shut up. Just because she deserved it, however, didn’t make it right. If Coach wanted me off the team, fine. Maybe if the girls knew I was working out at Cheertowne, they would cut me some slack and not be so hard on me, but it wasn’t any of their business. My girls especially should know I wasn’t slacking off. For them to think all of this didn’t matter to me pissed me off. Cheering was my life. I was trying to do everything in my power to get better.

  “Yes?” I said, as I stepped into Coach Woods’s office with an attitude that was truly disrespectful.

  “Okay, you need to step out of my office and come right back in. You are not going to talk to me like I’m one of your peers. Let’s try this again.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said humbly.

  I stepped outside of her door, knocked, and waited for her to respond.

  She said, “Come in.”

  I answered, “Yes, ma’am, you wanted to see me?”

  “Much better,” Coach said. “Listen, Hallie, sit down and let’s talk.”

  I could tell what she had to say to me was not gonna be fun for her to verbalize or fun for me to listen to. We all had a running joke about when Coach Woods called you into her office and asked you to have a seat that it meant you were in severe trouble. She was breathing deeply like it was affecting her. I could tell she did not want to give me this bad news.

  Seeing her struggle, I teared up. She came from around her desk when she saw my face. Coach placed her hand on my hand and then grabbed it hard.

  She said, “I know you want to be on this team, but I need you to help me keep you on this team. You have potential and more than that, you have heart. I wanted you to be here, and there were some things you told me that you were going to work on. However, we’re a game into the season, and all the cheerleaders are jumping high. Your jumps don’t compare. I need to shuffle things around because you clearly need to be in the back on some of these formations. You don’t have some of the skills that you truly need,” she sighed. “You get thrown off and you can’t adjust. Then at the football game, you were struggling too. When it’s halftime and the girls are flipping, I understand you’re not there with the tumbling, but you cannot run off the football field. That is unacceptable. I really need an explanation, Hallie. What is going on with you?”

  “I don’t know, Coach. I just feel like I’m breaking. I look at everybody, and they’re such polished cheerleaders that mentally I don’t think I can compete. I haven’t been slacking off. I didn’t want to tell any of them because I don’t want anyone to have any expectations that I can’t meet, but I’ve been going to Cheertowne and working on my tumbling skills. I’ve almost got it.”

  She made cheer fingers in the air and blurted, “Well, that’s exciting. I need to know this stuff.”

  “But what if I can’t do it? What if I spend a month learning how to tumble and I come back with nothing? I’d really be the laughing stock then, Coach. Please don’t tell anybody,” I pleaded.

  “I won’t,” Coach Woods said. She took a deep breath and then delivered more tough news. “But Hallie, you gotta give me one hundred percent. We compete soon. If you don’t have the tumbling, if those jumps aren’t higher, and if you can’t get the routine down, I will have no choice but take you off the squad.”

  I wiped my eyes and nodded. I did not want any more special favors. She had already done that by putting me on the team in the first place. I knew it was up to me to do what I needed to do and be all that she needed me to be. I was going to do that.

  “All right, go get yourself together and keep working on you. You can get this. Don’t make me have to pull the plug, okay?

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She gave me a big hug. That was supposed to make me feel better. I felt worse.

  “Hallie, girl, come give Uncle Joe some love. Dang, you grown up on me, curving out and everything,” my mom’s brother said. He reeked of alcohol.

  He was hugging me inappropriately, real tight. It reminded me of when I was seven. He was baby-sitting me, and he was preparing my bath. I was waiting for him to leave so I could get in the tub, but he told me he saw nude women all the time and went and got a bunch of magazines. Uncle Joe told me when I got older that I would look like that. Of course I told my parents because I didn’t think anything was wrong with it, and my dad knocked out one of his teeth. When my parents had their split, my dad forbid me to visit my mom’s side of the family. But I knew if I was going to have a chance of finding her, I needed to talk to her relatives. They might know where she was. So I’d gone to Watts Road.

  When I took my hands and pushed him in his chest real hard, he shouted, “Dang, you got muscles and stuff.”

  Stepping farther back, I uttered, “Just tell me where she is, Uncle, come on.”

  “My sister didn’t even recognize me the last time I saw her. She came over here last week asking for some money. I don’t think you wanna see her, Hallie,” he said, being the protective uncle he should be.

  “Please, just tell me where she is,” I begged.

  “I don’t even know if it’s safe for you to go over there. I can’t go with you right now. I got a few tricks coming by the house for a celebration with a couple of my p
artners. I can go over there with you tomorrow.”

  “Just please tell me where it is,” I insisted.

  “She’s staying at Big Daddy Wayne’s house. It’s the crack place two streets over. Tell them who you’re looking for, for goodness’ sake, or they won’t even let you up in there. You look too clean and too broke at the same time. Your young behind … be safe, young blood. You ain’t letting no nappy-head boy pop it, are you?” Uncle Joe asked, looking me up and down like I was a pin-up model. “I don’t wanna have to whoop up on somebody. Why we gotta be kin?” he muttered.

  “Gross,” I thought. “Bye. Thanks.” I bolted to the car.

  It definitely was not the best neighborhood. Folks strung out everywhere. People feeling each other up in public. Gunfire going off. I could not believe my mom really wanted to live like this and be so high that she did not even know her own name. There were zombies walking around in the street. They were so messed up that they thought my car was an alien ship.

  My mom had taught me one lesson, and that was to not ever touch a pipe. Shucks, I didn’t even want a cigarette. I didn’t want to get hooked because the last thing I wanted was to be pulled away from my family, my dreams, and myself. I wanted her to get help. I wanted her to know I still loved her. She needed to hear that I needed her. I needed to find her. There were no cars in front of Big Daddy Wayne’s house, but I definitely knew which one it was, not only because it was in the exact spot that my uncle told me it would be in, but because there were several junkies standing all around the tore-up house begging for more crack or whatever it was they were trying to smoke.

  “Home skillet, you got some money?” this one smelly, toothless, and bow-legged man asked.

  Then I thought about my uncle. He thought I looked like I was broke? I must not look too broke because these folks tryna hit me up for cash.

  “I’m here to see Alisha. Do you know Alisha?” I asked, showing her picture.

  “I know Alisha. I’ll tell you where she is if you got some money. Ten dollars,” this lady bargained.

  “Ma’am, I don’t have ten dollars,” I said to the lady whose breasts were hanging out for all the world to see.