Keep Jumping / No Hating

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “Hey you!” I said to him.

  “What’s up?” Amir replied quickly, waiting for me to say something more. “Anything else?”

  Going into damage control, I said, “Lexus was in the locker room, and it appears she thinks I’m too stuck up.”

  With reason and control, he simply asked, “Are you? Do you think I’m not worth the time of day because I’m not an athlete for our school?”

  I did not how to answer that. I did not want to lie to him, and I did not want to hurt his feelings either. I did not want to appear shallow, but what was wrong with standards? Thankfully, Coach Strong blew his whistle and called his class over to him. I did not have to say anything.

  Before Amir left, he touched my hand and said, “Just so you know, I have my own mind. I get to know people for myself. Folks don’t sway me, particularly ones with their own agenda. So don’t sweat my conversation with Lexus, though it’s nice to know you care.”

  When he walked off, Ella came over with Randal following and said, “He is a hottie.”

  “Yeah, you need to try to get to know him,” Randal replied.

  During the class period, we had to go outside and play flag football. For Amir not to be an athlete, he was pretty dominant, catching both the good balls that were thrown his way and the bad passes that were not thrown as elegantly. When he was on the defense, he was even more stellar, taking the ball away from the intended receiver. Coach Strong stopped watching, pulled Amir out, and stood on the side of the field talking to him for the last fifteen minutes of class. I was so nosey that I almost ran over to eavesdrop.

  “Why don’t you tell him the truth that you’re not really interested?” Lexus snuck up behind me and challenged.

  “You don’t even know me,” I said to her. “You don’t know what I’m interested in.”

  “No, but I heard you talking. He won’t believe me . . . you should tell him that unless he has a varsity letter you’re not interested.”

  Tired of the games, I said, “Maybe you should tell him that you are interested.”

  “Maybe I will,” she said before jetting away.

  I actually did not know why I had to be at the mother-daughter cheerleader tea. I did not have a mother who was consistently present in my life. I tried to get Coach Woods to exempt me from being there, but the strong-willed lady insisted. Charli’s mom was kind enough to allow me to sit with them, and it did not look so awkward because Ella and Eva were two girls with one lady as well. Though I was with Charli and Mrs. Black and did not look so out of place, I still felt uneasy.

  We were in the teachers’ dining hall. The tables were beautifully decorated. Whitney, our co-captain and an obnoxious senior, was also sitting at our table. She wanted to be captain badly, but thankfully Charli beat her out. Seeing her mother, who did not appear pleased by the choice of the catered meal, let me know Whitney did not fall to far from the tree.

  Whitney leaned in and whispered, “Guess your mom couldn’t come, huh? Oh wait, that’s right . . . you don’t live with your mom.”

  I could not tell if she was saying this to deliberately hurt me, but I did know that she had been giving me the eye during practice, like I was not holding up my end. I could get that. I could not flip and everybody else on the team could. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could give her a pass on that, but she did not have to put me down or state the obvious.

  Whitney’s mom rudely asked, “Both of these girls aren’t yours, are they?”

  Mrs. Black said, “Pretty much, yes!”

  I could have hugged her, not because I wanted her to lie, but for the fact that she claimed me. She reached over and hugged me. I saw her heart and knew she did not want me to be an outsider. I was truly touched.

  She winked at me and went on to explain. “This is my daughter, Charli, and her best friend, Hallie, who’s pretty much like a daughter to me.”

  “Oh,” the woman paused. “I see. Hallie, your mother was working today?”

  This lady did not know me. I detested when adults did that. It was uncomfortable. First off, if I did not offer any information about my mom, do not go asking me. I knew she was the adult, but being rude was wrong. What if my mom was deceased? She would have been embarrassed by her tone if I had said my mom was dead. I was so frustrated that I just forgot protocol.

  Overcome with emotion, I said, “My mom’s strung out on drugs and couldn’t be here, okay. Are you happy?”

  I threw my napkin down and left the table. I could not get to the women’s restroom fast enough. Actually, if I would have had any wits about me, I would have grabbed my purse and keys and headed out the door instead of to an isolated stall. I did not want anybody to bug me; I just wanted to be alone in my misery.

  I was not in this position because I had done something wrong. It was my mother’s own poor choices that left me half orphaned if there even was such a term. I knew it could be worse. My dad could have abandoned me too. I could not imagine how it felt to not have any parents want you, love you, raise you, and be there for you. But at my school I knew my situation was not unique. Suddenly the bathroom door opened, and Eva barged in yelling without discretion.

  Eva barked, “Where are you, girl? Don’t be tripping about not having no mom. You know my dad ran out on us. So wassup?”

  Upset, I said, “But your mom is here right now, so just go back out there and leave me alone.”

  Eva said, “Well, I’m not in here alone.”

  “Yeah, she’s not alone,” Ella said in a caring voice.

  “Come on out. Please come talk to us,” Randal pleaded.

  “My mom is giving Whitney’s mom a piece of her mind right now, so you need to come on back out to the table and not let anybody run you away,” said Charli.

  “I love you guys, I do, and I can’t imagine what it’s like not to have a dad there to tell you you’re beautiful and provide for you and do all the stuff dads are supposed to do because my dad is there. But unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you don’t know how I feel. Coming to a mother-daughter tea and knowing that your mom would rather have her mouth on a bong than on a fork is harsh. She’d rather lose her mind than stay sane and raise a daughter. She chose to walk away rather than be a part of her daughter’s life and take the good with the bad. To be rejected that way by the lady who carried you for nine months and brought you into this world is something unexplainable.”

  “Come out of there, please,” Charli said as she shook the stall door.

  I wanted to snap my fingers and be home. That wasn’t realistic. Knowing I had to move on, I opened it.

  “Go wash your hands,” Eva turned up her nose and teased.

  “I didn’t even use the bathroom,” I said to her.

  Eva grunted, “So? You in there.”

  The crazy chick turned on the sink for me. They all laughed. Finally I started laughing too and I cried. It was that time of the month, and I was sick of being so emotional. I tried to get it all out.

  “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” Randal said, giving me a hug.

  “Thanks, I’m just trying not to be envious of what you guys have. Ella called me out on it the other night.”

  Ella said, “I did, but it’s understandable that you want a mom.”

  “I know, but I don’t want to be mad at you guys because you have moms.”

  “Well, you’re not mad at us, are you?” Eva said. “I don’t get upset because you have a dad who buys you a car, fixes it, and drives around all night when he doesn’t know where you are. Girl, my dad couldn’t care less.”

  I said, “I know, everybody’s situation is different.”

  “Everybody’s situation isn’t what it appears either,” Charli said.

  We all looked at her like, Uh, like you have any problems. And she looked back at us like, Yeah, I do. I was not prepared for what she was going to share.

  I was blown away like a measly leaf caught up in a wild wind storm when she said, “My dad’s been cheating on my mom. I think they’re going
to work it out, but I caught him going out with some other lady.”

  I glanced sideways at Ella. “Did you tell her what happened to me?” I asked.

  Ella boldly said, “No. It’s not the same, Hallie.”

  “What happened to you?” Charli asked.

  I said, “I caught my dad pretty close to doing it with some other lady.”

  “Yeah, but your dad’s not married. Imagine how I felt seeing my father parading out and about with some strange woman, like he has no wife. I mean, gross. My parents are separated right now.”

  “Your mom is so strong. I would have never known,” I said, realizing I wasn’t the only one with drama.

  Charli lectured, “And don’t y’all say anything!”

  “We won’t. We won’t!” Randal said, shaking her head.

  “I just wish life was easy. That things were all right and parents did what they’re supposed to do. I worry about my mom. I don’t know where she is. She could be dead, and I wouldn’t even know. It’s killing me,” I confessed.

  “Maybe you should try to find her,” Charli said.

  “Yeah, it’s like I was telling you,” Ella piped in. “If you don’t like your situation, try and change it. We’ll help you look if you want.”

  “The places my mom hangs . . . I never want you guys to be there. Besides I don’t know where to begin. It’s not that simple,” I said to them.

  “But you gotta try,” Randal said.

  “You wouldn’t be my girl if you didn’t go and look for your mom,” Eva added.

  I nodded. I so appreciated them for getting up from their comfortable place to come be with me in my difficult moment. How could I be jealous of such precious souls? They gave our friendship everything. I needed to take in their words and try and find my mom so I could at least know what was up with her. To be the best me I could be also meant that I could be the best friend that they deserved in return. They were right; I had to look forward. I just had to.

  “So would you like to go out and celebrate your progress?” Amir said to me after our fourth session together.

  I was super excited. First, because I had done a flip on my own. Second, because we were connecting. The fact that Amir wanted to take me out made my heart go pitter patter.

  “I still can’t believe I was tumbling,” I said to him a little later on when we sat in McDonald’s eating Big Macs, fries, and drinking smoothies that Amir had purchased.

  “I knew you could do it. You had what’s called a mental block. You had the skills and the capability to tumble, but you just wouldn’t throw it. Don’t retreat on me. Let’s build to make the flips on point.”

  Thinking back to a nightmare time, I said, “Yeah, I learned it a long time ago, but I think I fell on my head or something, and I just never wanted to do it again.”

  “But now you got it.” Amir stroked my hand.

  “Yeah, when you stand there. What am I going to do when you’re not around? If you are not going to be there, I don’t think I can do it.”

  “Don’t talk negative, Hallie. Believe in yourself, fly girl,” he said, looking at me like I was the delicious Big Mac. “Those girls on your team have nothing on you.”

  “Come on, Amir, please. Seriously, have you seen my crew?”

  “Yeah, and I wonder sometimes why you hang out with them. You know, you make them look better.”

  Amir was too good to be true. He thought I was worthy of praise. I was elated he saw me as a jewel.

  But being serious, I said, “My friends are beautiful.”

  “And so are you,” he soothed. He touched my cheek. “I care about you, Hallie. I’ll never forget seeing you on the football field last week. You were the most exuberate one. You had fire. You wanted to be out there. Not just to look pretty, but to support the team.”

  “So I didn’t look pretty?” I said, messing with him. I winked and took a gulp of my strawberry-banana smoothie.

  “I already spoke on that,” he said. He had me blushing.

  “Why did you come up and talk to me when I was at the concession stand? I mean, we never met. You didn’t even really say hi. You just made a nice comment and was out.”

  “ ’Cause I saw a girl with so much potential and fire, and it was like someone took water and doused your flames as soon as you went onto the field at halftime. Everyone on the team was flipping but you. Anyone could clearly see you were dejected. You fill out your uniform nicely. You can tell in your arms you got muscles. Your legs are toned. I knew you could flip. That’s what I do, teach people how to tumble, jump up in the air, and just go for it. I guess I wanted to encourage you.”

  “And I thought it was impossible for me to do it, and you came along and made it work for me,” I said with gratitude.

  “Exactly. So when you get out there Friday night and it’s time to tumble, show out. I’m sure your parents will be up there rooting for you and all that.”

  Why did he have to say that? I hung my head low. I was not ready to think of tumbling under the lights. And I could only wish I did not long for my mom to show up. Knowing she would not was tough to rationalize.

  “What’s wrong? I don’t know a lot about you, Hallie. Talk to me. Don’t you live with your parents?” Amir asked, being so in tune with me that he knew something was out of rhythm.

  I wanted to tell him it was such a long story that I did not want to go into it. It was painful. I did not want to relive or retell my history. I wanted to keep our evening upbeat, but he wanted more than just a surface conversation. When he rubbed my hand, it made me understand he was not going to judge me.

  Peeling back a layer, I said, “I live with my dad. He’s great and I love him. My mom . . .”

  “You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to,” he voiced, making sure I knew he was not trying to push harder than I could handle.

  “I don’t think you want to hear it,” I uttered, as I sipped more of my delicious drink.

  Not letting me off the hook, he said, “I’d love to know if you’re up to telling me.”

  “She’s a junkie. I don’t know how or why, but drugs came before her family, and she left me and my dad. She comes in and out of our lives . . . and really . . . I don’t know if she is okay or not. I feel a lot of my insecurity comes because my mom is missing from my life. I know that sounds stupid. I’m old enough to take ownership of my own problems.”

  “No, no, I know exactly what you’re saying. My dad is there, but he’s so focused on work that he couldn’t care less about asking me what I want to do. My home life drives me crazy. Sometimes he looks at me like I have ruined his life by just being here. I don’t understand it. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong. I work extra hard to prove to him that I want to please him and nothing works. He hates me.”

  “I’m sure your dad doesn’t hate you, Amir.”

  “You don’t walk in my shoes, and you don’t live in my house. Please don’t tell me what I know to be true.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, sensing that he was becoming upset. “Okay, let’s take the conversation off of parents. I saw Coach Strong talking to you in PE.”

  “Yeah, he wants me to try out for his football team,” Amir shrugged.

  Not understanding, I said, “They are already into the season.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. He wants me to just come out and get to work,” Amir replied.

  Getting excited about the possibility, I tried to encourage him. “Really? Oh my gosh! That would be so great. I have seen you in PE, and you’re like all over the place. You know you can jump high. What position does he want you to play? I don’t think it’s quarterback because I haven’t seen you throw the ball. I’m sure you’re not kicking because we’ve got a white boy for that. It’s got to be wide receiver or DB because you’re not big enough to be a lineman.”

  “What! What you know about football?” he smiled.

  I am pretty sure he was impressed with my knowledge. “I
told you, I’m a daddy’s girl. He taught me all about the game. He probably wanted a son.”

  Amir laughed. “Yeah, the coach wants me to be a DB.”

  “So when are you going to practice? Oh my gosh, you can’t go to practice because who’s going to help me learn to flip?” I moaned.

  “Hallie, quit tripping. You know how to flip. But you ain’t got to worry. I’m not going out for no football team. Nah, that’s for punks,” Amir said seriously.

  “Wait, okay, why is the football team for punks? You’re tripping. That sounds like somebody’s scared to put on the equipment and get out there,” I said, calling him out.

  I was really enjoying my conversation with Amir. We were going back and forth and just being able to talk to each other and have real-life conversation. I wasn’t trying to be cute. I wasn’t trying to be anybody but Hallie, and he was digging me. Because I felt comfortable, I went all the way there.

  “You know, word’s out that guys who work at gyms are a little on the funny side. You can squash all that if you get on the field,” I said, believing that would make him want to give the game a try.

  “Unlike you,” Amir replied quickly, “I don’t care what other people think of me. Being in a sport isn’t going to make or break me. I’m going to school to get an education. I don’t need to be a jock to feel important.”

  “Let’s be clear, you’re a junior and nobody even knows who you are. You’re a hit at Cheertowne, but what good does that do you at Lockwood? You could help the team. We’ve struggled the last two games in the secondary. If you were out there, you could change it and turn it all around.”

  “I don’t want to be on the football team, all right. Dang! Why you keep pressing me with that?” Amir banged on the table.

  Not appreciating his demeanor, I blurted out, “Why you getting upset? I’m just telling you that at least you gotta try.”

  CHAPTER 4