The Fireman's Secret

by Jessica Keller

  She couldn’t blame him. Maybe it was easier this way because his panicked reaction to the possibility of a lasting mark from the bite meant they couldn’t have a relationship. Not now or ever. Staying friends would only make it hurt more. While her mind understood that ending their relationship early was for the best—because it minimized how great the pain would have been when he eventually rejected her—her heart still protested.

  Her relationship with Joel was supposed to be different. She’d thought he’d be the one who could love her as she was. But maybe no one could.

  “Let go of it, Shelby. Just let go.”

  She walked deeper into the water until it lapped against her chin. Pumping her arms and legs, a sense of freedom surged through her veins. On her morning swims, she could be herself. Skin and scars exposed, with no need to hide and cover up in shame. If only the rest of the world would accept her the way the morning air did.

  She paddled farther out than usual, out past the end of the long pier into deeper waters, determined to get away from Goose Harbor for ten minutes and forget the past couple of days. With Paige and Caleb gone on their honeymoon and Maggie busy with her inn during tourist season, she had no one to talk to.

  Rolling onto her back, she put out her hands and floated. Eyes focused on the deep gray sky, she decided to talk to God out loud.

  “I don’t have to hide from You, either, do I? You know I look like this. You used those firefighters to save me from the church all those years ago, so You must have wanted me to live my life like this. Well, that makes me angry. There. I said it.”

  She breathed deeply and swam back to the end of the pier. It was the longest pier in the state’s coast of Lake Michigan.

  “But I know these scars mean nothing to You. You still see me the same as always, don’t You? And love me. Just as I am.” She ran her hands over the slimy baseboards and kicked her legs. “Thank You for that. I hope I’m not asking too much, but is it possible that someone else could love me. A person? A man? I still dream of being a wife and a mom. Should I give those dreams up?”

  The pier creaked. “Shelby?”

  She squeezed her eyes closed. Joel. Why was he out here now during her sacred alone time? How much of her prayer had he overheard?

  Keeping everything below water except for her head, she let go of the pier and paddled into the open water before turning around. For once, she found herself thankful that the lake’s water was murky instead of the clear water she’d seen in ads for Caribbean beaches. This far out into the water, Lake Michigan was a friend who could hide her, as long as she could convince Joel to leave.

  Even so, her energy wouldn’t last much longer and she’d have to come out of the water sooner than later.

  “What are you doing here?” Shelby hollered from thirty feet away.

  Joel opened his mouth to answer her, but stopped when he heard the sky rumble. While he’d walked the beach, dark clouds had rolled in to blanket the earth. They were the type of clouds that piled up like people waiting in line for a midnight showing of the latest overproduced teen movie—angry and ready to rain down fury at a moment’s notice. These were the type of summer storm clouds that held house-shaking thunder, Olympic-sized pools worth of rain, and dent-causing hail.

  Shelby needed to get out of the water.

  He cupped his hands around his mouth. “You better come in. It’s going to storm.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.” She spoke loudly, but her voice and breathing sounded labored. A storm and a weary swimmer made the worst possible scenario he could think of at the moment.

  After a night tossing and turning, he didn’t feel up to arguing with her. He just wanted her safe. For the past few days, he’d been watching the news footage about a wildfire raging in Colorado. A lot of people were in danger and a thought kept tugging at the back of his mind to go and offer his help and training. He might not be a member of a hotshot crew anymore, but his certifications were all up-to-date. He might be of some good to someone out there. Unlike here where his semigirlfriend wouldn’t even let him treat a simple dog bite.

  “Oddly enough, I came to the beach to think about you.” Joel slipped off his gym shoes. Being off duty, he didn’t have to follow protocol and listen if she said she didn’t need his help. He’d jump in and drag her out of the water if he had to.

  “About me?” She coughed. “We need to talk.”

  “Not now. You’re tired, Shelb. You’ve got to get out of the water.”

  The first bolt of lightning ripped across the sky.

  Shelby’s eyes widened, but she stayed where she was. “I’ll get out when you leave.”

  First refusing his help with the dog bite and now not taking him seriously about the danger of swimming during a storm. What reason could she possibly have for acting this way? She had said she dressed in long sleeves and pants because of modesty. But she must know he’d seen a woman in a swimsuit before and, given the circumstances, it wasn’t like he’d have time to check her out, if that was her main worry.

  At the risk of embarrassing her, he called out again, “Now’s not the time for modesty.”

  “It’s not about that.”

  Okay. No more trying to understand her reasons. He yanked off his sweatshirt.

  She swam a little closer. “What are you doing?”

  “Getting ready to jump in there after you.”

  “Don’t.” She palmed her cheek to wipe away tears. The action made her dip a bit farther beneath the water. “Please don’t.”

  “Then come out.”

  “Please. Leave. I’ll come out then.”

  He shook his head. “After the dog bite, I’m not certain you will. So I’m going to wait right here until I see you out and safe.”

  Lightning cracked across the sky.

  It looked as if he was going for a swim. Joel yanked off his shoes. “Soon would be good.”

  “Could you go back to the beach and turn around? I’ll come out as long as you turn your back to me.” Her voice trembled. A mixture of cold, exhaustion and terror.

  Whatever it took. He turned around, picked up his sweatshirt and shoes, and slowly made his way toward the beach. The pier groaned behind him, signaling that Shelby had hoisted herself out of the water.

  Joel stopped a few feet away from her pile of clothes on the beach. “Walk quick, okay?”

  The pier creaked with her footsteps and then he heard the soft pad of her feet when she transitioned to the sand. A light rain began to drum against the pier.

  “Oh, no.” She gasped.

  He spun around to see what had happened.

  Shelby had her back to him as she fished her shirt out of the water. Which was an exercise in futility seeing as the rain grew harder every second.

  Joel rushed to grab her towel before the wind took it for a swim, as well. He froze. Across Shelby’s back, down her legs, and on the backs of both arms were patches of angry skin. Large scars, the leftover of healed burns.

  A man he had worked with in Indy had been caught in a fire and suffered third-degree burns from the ordeal. His skin had looked just like Shelby’s.

  The marks explained why she wore pants and long sleeves all the time. But why hide them? Had someone made fun of her? He balled up his fists. Didn’t she know that all those marks meant was that she was strong and brave?

  What now? He could turn back around and pretend he hadn’t seen or he could tell her the scars were nothing to him, and she had no reason to hide where he was concerned.

  Joel chose the latter. “Here.” He held out his sweatshirt. “Don’t bother with that waterlogged shirt. You can wear this.”

  Shelby bolted up and let her drenched shirt fall onto the wet sand with a thud.

  * * *

  Don’t cry. Don’t break down. Not here. Not in front of him.

  A tremor worked its way up Shelby’s spine and she fought against her shaking hands. “You weren’t supposed to turn around.”

  “Shelby.”
His voice was calm and gentle, probably a result of his fireman training. “Please look at me.”

  She obeyed, slowly. “I know you must think—”

  He grabbed her hand and tugged her to jog beside him. “My truck’s not far. Let’s get there before the sky really breaks open.”

  The rain beat hard against her back. She shivered as he yanked open the passenger door and helped her climb inside.

  “Put these on.” He tossed her sweatpants and his sweatshirt into her lap before closing the door. Of course—he’d want her to cover her scars as soon as she could so he wouldn’t have to look at them anymore.

  As much as she would have liked to be dramatic and toss his sweatshirt in his face, she was shivering. She needed its warmth.

  He climbed into the driver’s seat and shoved the keys into the engine. “It’ll take a second for the heat to kick in. Sorry.”

  Might as well get the talk over with. “I understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore now that you know.”

  He leaned against the driver’s door so he faced her. “Were you ever planning on telling me?”

  Studying her puckered fingertips became the most important thing in the world. “I almost did after the wedding. I wanted to. I planned to.”

  “Why didn’t you?” His voice was soft again, casual instead of accusatory as she’d imagined it would be.

  She threw up her hands. “Because of this. Because now you’ll treat me differently. You might not say it, but you find me repulsive. It’s really hard getting rejected again and again.”

  “Has someone—has a guy—done that to you? Rejected you after he found out?” He was fighting hard to control the edge in his voice now—she could tell. Was he mad at her? Or mad at the idea of someone rejecting her?

  “I never actually told any of them. But they would have.”

  Joel scooted closer and laid a hand on her arm. “Forgive my boldness, but it sounds like Shelby’s the only one rejecting Shelby. Does that make sense? There’s enough hurt in this world without doing that to yourself.”

  Something in his words rang true. She’d always hidden the scars. She’d been ashamed of how she looked. But had she even offered other people the chance to reject her? Or had she rejected herself and figured everyone else would do the same?

  She leaned her head against the headrest and closed her eyes tightly. “You saw me.”

  He pushed up her sleeve. She started to yank her arm away, but he held fast. As he traced his thumb over the scar wrapping around her wrist, she knew he waited for her to open her eyes and look at him. When she did, he offered a tentative smile.

  “One. I fight fires for a living. Seeing burns is part of the job and these scars aren’t bad or ugly or whatever it is you’re afraid of. Two. All these mean is that you have a story to tell. Besides that, to me, you’re the same Shelby who kept me awake thinking about her all last night.” He pushed up the sleeve on her other arm to reveal a second scar. “I care about you. These don’t change who you are or my attraction to you.”

  She stared at his hands on her marks. He cupped her arms and ran his thumbs back and forth over the scars. How could he do that without gagging? “You’re not grossed out?”

  “Not at all.”

  “I’m having a hard time believing you.”

  His fingers stopped moving when he grazed where her stitches were. “Your scars—is that why you wouldn’t let me treat your dog bite the other day?”

  She swallowed hard and nodded. “There were so many people there, and I didn’t want you to find out like that.”

  “Well, I know now. So what do we do?”

  “I guess that’s up to you.” She studied the way his fingers looked as they rested against her scars. “But if this changes things between us, I understand.”

  Joel locked gazes with her as he brought one of her arms to his lips and kissed the scar. He repeated it on the second arm. Then he brought his hands to cradle her head and he kissed her soundly on the mouth. She felt like she was drowning. As if she wouldn’t be able to take another breath and it didn’t matter or worry her.

  Could he really care about her enough to look beyond her scars? Even better, could he love her—scars and all?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Joel turned the heat to full blast and then put the truck in Drive. “You’ve got to be cold. Let’s get you home.”

  She buckled her seat belt and laughed. “After a kiss like that, I’m surprisingly warm.”

  The window wipers were flying at full speed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “You deserve to be cherished. Just as you are. Remember that. Okay?”

  “I’ll keep trying to believe that.”

  “Well, just so you know, I’m not going to stop telling you.” He laid his right arm over the back of her seat.

  “It might take a few more of those kisses.”

  He glanced at her and his face broke into an uncharacteristic grin. “I have plenty of those left to spare.”

  Unbuckling her seat belt, she scooted over into the middle seat and buckled up there. Her side was against his. She laid her head on his biceps. “Thanks for being so wonderful.”

  At the stop sign, he dropped a light kiss on top of her hair. “You’re welcome...I think that’s the right answer. Or was that a trick?”

  “No tricks. No more hiding. Only the truth from now on.” She pulled his right arm so it curled around her and she could hold his hand. “I like being next to you.”

  “Me, too.”

  Now that he knew about Shelby’s scars, they could move forward. He’d thought they were done—that he was done with all relationships—after the dog bite incident. But that situation made sense now. She hadn’t been rejecting him or saying she didn’t trust him. Well, maybe the trust part was partially true—but not in a bad way. More than anyone, he understood the paralyzing fear of being rejected and knew how much it could set the course of a person’s life.

  She sighed. “You’ve asked me a couple of times why the church rebuild is so important to me. It has to do with my burns. See, I was inside the church when it caught fire.”

  Joel’s heart stuttered. When the church caught fire? But then that meant... The contents of his stomach were going to make a grand reappearance. He sucked air in through his mouth.

  It couldn’t be from the church in Goose Harbor. No one had been inside when he torched it. He’d looked in the windows and everything.

  Unaware of his personal torment, Shelby continued with her story. “I went there to pray after finding out my dad was never going to come back. I knelt down with my head resting on the pew and asked God to give me the family I wanted. A strong husband who loved his wife no matter what, and children who were wanted and played with and cared for.”

  If she’d been kneeling in the pew, he might not have seen her. Correction, from his vantage point peering in the windows, he wouldn’t have been able to see her in that position. No way. His careless fit of sixteen-year-old rage had hurt Shelby—not just God, as he’d intended. He had hurt her physically, mentally and emotionally. All from one selfish action.

  Sweat broke out on his forehead and the palms of his hands. He unwound his arm from her and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. “The roads are slick.”

  What had he done?

  Shelby nodded. “I didn’t realize the church was burning and I got trapped in there. As I was trying to get out, a ceiling beam fell and pinned me. I passed out at some point and woke up in the arms of a fireman carrying me out. That might explain why I have a thing for firefighters, huh?” She squeezed his arm.

  It must have been his imagination, but where she touched him felt seared with fire. Tell her. Tell her the truth. Now. Do it.

  He could hardly see the road through the rain, so he leaned forward to squint through the windshield. The movement also served to untangle Shelby from his arm. As much as he cared for her, at the moment, he couldn’t stomach her expressing her feelings for him or showing her
love through physical contact. He’d ruined her life. Completely. She’d hate him when she found out. How could she not?

  No more hiding. Only the truth from now on.

  Her words, spoken only minutes ago, rushed back to taunt him.

  But he couldn’t tell her the truth. Not about the fire. What good would it serve for her to find out he had been the source of all her problems? None. He’d be rejected again, and she’d feel like he’d played some huge joke on her.

  Besides, it wasn’t about not telling the truth. There was a difference between lying and not offering information. Right? Sure, he’d been upset back at the beach to learn Shelby had kept something huge from him. But his situation was different. Much different.

  He rammed his gear stick into Park in the closest spot outside her apartment. Shelby undid her seat belt and faced him. “I realized recently that I wrapped a lot of my healing up in the church being rebuilt. It was silly, but I felt like I couldn’t move on until the church was standing again. I’m glad for all that now—don’t you see? All that time, I thought I was missing out on life and on dating, but in reality, God was keeping me safe until I could be with you.”

  He studied the leather on the steering wheel. “Shelby...don’t put everything on me, I—”

  She framed his face with her hands and rested her forehead against his. “You have changed my life. Don’t ever doubt that. I care about you so much, and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us.” Offering one quick, sweet kiss, Shelby jumped out of the truck and darted for her apartment.

  For the first time since he’d returned to Goose Harbor, Joel didn’t wait until she was safely inside. The second the passenger door closed, he shoved the gear into Reverse and raced for the interstate. He needed to drive. For hours.

  Like angry fists, the rain pounded against his truck. Every couple of minutes, lightning shattered across the sky, making it easier to see the lines on the road beneath the puddles pooling on the concrete.

  His truck began to shake as he forced it past seventy miles an hour. Thoughts whizzed in his mind with the speed of a championship table tennis match. Each one contradicted the next. He had to tell her. He could never tell her. He had to tell her. Maybe he should leave Goose Harbor. Stop running from problems.