Winter Dreams
Page 27
“It may be that my career is over. But I don’t know that for sure. If I try and fail, the burden is mine and mine alone. I’ll move back here, teach some dance classes, and go back to college. I’ll be disappointed that I couldn’t stage a come-back, but I’ll know I did all I could to make that dream a reality. But if I stop auditioning now, I’ll spend my life wondering ‘what if?’”
“So I’m the bad guy, trying to hold you back?” His voice dripped sarcasm.
She took his hands, strong, powerful, and slightly scratchy from the dry skin on his knuckles. “No. Strange as it sounds, I have to leave because I care about you and Eloise too much. I don’t want to ever resent you.”
“Instead, I’m left behind, becoming cynical that I’m less important to you than a job.”
“It’s not simply a job. It’s who I am. I can only be with someone who respects that about me, and I want that person to be you, but I won’t demand you wait.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. He either hated her now, or he understood her. She waited for his response, wondering if she should have told him how much falling in love scared her.
The basement door creaked. “Daddy, where are you?”
She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, warm against her lips, wondering if this was the last time she’d touch him so close. “I want to continue whatever this is. It’s worth trying, I hope.”
He briefly met her eyes, and her heart fluttered.
“Daddy?”
He dropped her hands and walked to the stairs. Before climbing, he paused. “A father’s work is never done, but it’s worth it. Maybe you and I … ”
His unfinished thought gave her a sliver of hope.
Chapter 10
New York City
Penelope shimmied into a tiny black dress, tousled her hair and put on her favorite red-gold lipstick and gooiest lip gloss. Heads would turn as she walked into the room, especially since she’d be flanked on each side by two other beautiful women. Plus it was the right time of year for single men to be on the prowl. Christmas was over, and everyone wanted someone to kiss for luck at midnight three days from now.
Tonight, she prepared for a rare treat, a night on the town with her roommates. She hadn’t seen one of her roommates in fourteen months because their schedules rarely overlapped. Hectic travel schedules made it a lot easier for the five of them to share a two bedroom apartment that no two of them would be able to afford on their own. Kara, a Rockette, usually stayed in New York and often had the apartment to herself a few nights a month. One of Kara’s friends from high school became a flight attendant based out of New York and brought in two of her coworkers. The bed sharing system worked for them, but didn’t allow for much personalization of their space.
She loved her roommates. Through the years, they’d become great friends as they’d explored New York’s restaurants, clubs, and culture. They spoke of hopes and dreams over drinks and advised about which men to avoid. And, naturally, they’d nursed each other through more than a few breakups.
This should have been a joyful night. Instead, getting dressed was a chore. She was out of sync, not only with the rhythms of sharing hairdryers and the bathroom mirror. During her recuperation, she’d missed so much in her roommates’ lives that she struggled to keep up with the latest in-jokes. Instead of grumping, she put on a happy face and steeled herself for a night of clubbing.
At the third club Trina, one of the flight attendants, pulled her aside. “So tell me about this man.”
She turned around trying to find the man in question, but without luck. “Who? I don’t see anyone.”
“That’s the problem. You haven’t seen any guy all night, even though at the last bar, that dark haired hottie was all over you. I’ve never seen you so spaced out on the dance floor and I know you’ve ordered way more water than appletinis, so something is going on and it has to be a guy.”
She looked at her astute friend. “It is.”
Trina pulled her to an oversized red velvet chair and the two of them sat by side. “Dish!”
“He’s gorgeous, tall, athletic, and a doctor to boot.”
Trina slapped her arm playfully. “You are such a cliché — the patient falling in love with the doctor who healed her.”
“It wasn’t like that. His daughter was in that class I taught. She is so creative, I — ”
“Don’t change the subject.” Concern crossed her friend’s face. “Is he married or divorced? Divorced is much easier although you have to deal with the ex-wife and, apparently, kids.”
“Actually, he’s a widow.”
“Oh.”
“You said it.” She leaned back, energy draining from her body. “If he were divorced, he’d be over his wife and there might be room for me in his life. Instead, he still loves her.”
“Has he told you that?”
“No.” Her friend’s expression served as a silent demand she explain herself. “He hasn’t had to. His house is practically a shrine to her. He admitted the only room he changed was his daughter’s and I’m sure Eloise drove that redecoration. He’s stuck.”
“How long has it been?”
“Almost four years.”
“Maybe he’s keeping her memory alive for his daughter. How old was she when her mother died?”
“Two-ish.”
Trina nodded sagely. She was the group expert on marriage, having one marriage and divorce under her belt. “Did you pursue him or did he pursue you?”
“Good question. I don’t know.” Trina’s eyebrow arched, but she didn’t have a better answer. She and Carson seemed to fall together.
“Maybe he’s scared?”
“No way. As for me, I’m terrified. I don’t know what frightens me more, being with him or being without him.”
“What’s harder to imagine?”
“Being without him, but I can’t imagine being without dance either.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
This lead to a discussion of her struggle to find work as art funding dried up and her fear she wouldn’t work again. It was easier to talk about work than her heart.
Trina brought the discussion back to Carson. “Maybe he’s afraid you’ll go gallivanting across the globe with your glamorous career and he’ll get left behind, out of sight, out of mind.”
“It’s not like he’s asked me to stay.” Or had he? At any rate, they made no formal promises or commitment.
“No, but men are weird. Remember Brody?”
She did. She was there when he dumped Trina seconds after the ball dropped in Times Square a few years ago and got engaged to someone else six weeks later. “What does he have to do with this?”
“He hated my job. Those last few months he pestered me with questions such as who would watch our children and how would it look to his friends if the woman he married was a ‘flying whore.’”
“Ugh, what a jerk.”
“Yeah, but a few co-workers I know have had similar problems. It’s an occupational hazard based on male insecurity.”
Count on Trina to get her laughing again. “Carson doesn’t seem insecure. He’s so focused on what’s best for his family.”
“Whatever. Still, I know some couples who have made it work. One of the women I flew with last month has a husband who took reduced hours and a pay cut so he’d be better able to care for their kids when she flew overseas. There are plenty of success stories if both people are ready to commit. That’s what you have to ask yourself.”
Over the next two days, she spent a lot of time thinking about Trina’s words. She thought about them as she organized her few possessions still remaining in the New York apartment and as she read the trades. She thought about them a lot two evenings later as the roommates got ready for New Year’s Eve. She put on a slink
y long sleeve knit dress over metallic leggings and thigh-high boots. She did a last minute check of her purse before she and her roommates piled into cabs.
• • •
The emptiness in Carson’s life grew acute after Penelope left. He spoke to her every night, sometimes during the early evening so Eloise could talk. The phone calls only made him miss her more. One night, she called from the bathroom in a club. Hearing the pounding music in the background reminded him that he couldn’t offer her freewheeling nights on the town. Instead, he represented nights at home with a child in tow.
Eloise sulked as well. With no school or dance classes to occupy her time, she grew moody, especially as she began to understand that Miss Penny would not be back to teach her class. Carson struggled at first to fill the void in their lives. Looking out the kitchen window, the off balance but rebuilt fairy house gave him an idea. Eloise mentioned building a sturdier house for the fairies so they couldn’t knock it down, even if the fairies fell on the ice. Three days after Christmas, they went to Home Depot, buying supplies for a new and improved fairy house. Rather than face the elements, he set up a workshop on one side of the garage. A space heater provided warmth as they worked together gluing and hammering different pieces together, trying to make something that looked like Eloise’s sketch of a fairy house. It would be a bear to move come spring, but the project filled their otherwise empty evenings.
He promised her she could stay up late on New Year’s Eve. She napped in the afternoon, or tried to at least. He planned a game night, complete with popcorn, Oreos and sparkling apple juice. If she grew too tired, he promised to wake her so they could watch the ball drop in New York City and she could look for Miss Penny in the crowd.
She began yawning around ten, during the middle of their game of Sorry. He decided Operation would be their next game. The buzzer would keep her awake and laughing. As they finished Sorry, a pair of headlights flashed in his front window as a car pulled into his driveway. Minutes later, the doorbell rang. Walking to the door, he noticed taillights on the road. Someone must have realized they were at the wrong house. He walked back to Eloise, but the doorbell rang again.
“Daddy, aren’t you going to get the door?”
“Sure honey. You stay here. I’ll be a minute.”
He expected to see the remnants of a teenage prank. Nothing prepared him for the sight of Penelope in her impractical white coat, red lipstick, and rhinestone barrettes, with a half bottle of champagne and her suitcase. Her smile broadened. Her eyes shone brightly and she gave him a little finger wave.
“Surprise!”
He rubbed his eyes, certain he must be sleeping.
Eloise ran for the door shouting, “Miss Penny!”
In his dream reunion scenario, Eloise would spend the night at her grandparents’ house or at least be asleep, but he’d take what he could get. She came to him. He tried hard to hide his feelings, especially from Eloise, but he couldn’t help himself tonight. He extended his hand to help Penelope in the house. As soon as she crossed the threshold, he wrapped her up in his arms, nuzzling her cold cheek as he kissed her skin. The only thing keeping him from kissing her senseless was his daughter’s arms wrapped around their waists.
He straightened himself. “What happened to New York?”
She lifted Eloise into a hug before removing her coat. “There’s no one there I want to kiss for luck at midnight.”
The saucy look she gave him left no doubt who she intended to kiss.
“I’ll kiss you Miss Penny.” When Eloise pressed her lips to her cheek as a preview, her melodious laugh filled the air.
In his mind, one thought tumbled over and over: She’s here, she’s here. She picked him. Little else mattered. He craved contact. He wanted to feel her soft lips against his, stat.
“Sweetie, would you please pick up our game while Miss Penny gets out of her coat?” He wished he didn’t have to stop there. He sighed as he watched the back of Eloise’s head bob down the hallway. “I don’t even know where to begin, I’m so excited to see you.”
He lowered his head and watched the corners of her mouth lift as she realized his intent to kiss her. Her mouth parted as her eyes darkened. He sensed her desire was almost as great as his own. Their mouths melded, tentative tasting giving way passionate exploration. His fingers found the nape of her neck and the loose hair there entangled his fingers. Her body yielded, neck muscles relaxing as she pressed against him, so different from the tightening he experienced. The gentle flicks of her tongue reminded him of all he’d been missing and still craved.
His other hand caught in the belt of her coat, reminding him he had yet to make his guest comfortable. Reluctantly, he broke away.
“Let me get your coat.”
“Please, I’m on the verge of overheating.”
I know the feeling, he thought.
She looked stunning, definitely ready for one of those parties they show in the movies or the society pages. He couldn’t tell if she was wearing pants or tights underneath that dress. Needing to investigate further, he crouched, running his hands over her legs with the intent of removing her boots.
“Be careful — I fondly remember what happened last time you did that.” Her blue eyes twinkled.
His groin tightened at the memory of their lovemaking.
“I’ll try to behave.” His eyes rested on the pink and purple swirling hearts sitting in his foyer. They may as well have been a bucket of cold water.
“We never talked about, well, the suitcase scenario.”
“Don’t worry. I’m staying with my parents but my flight got delayed, so I had the cab drop me here. I was afraid if I went home first, by the time I got through all the pleasantries and borrowed a car, it would be after midnight and you two would be asleep. I’ll call a cab to pick me up later.”
He slid his hand along her long lean legs one last time before standing. Whatever she was wearing, it couldn’t keep her very warm.
“We’ll drive you.” He stood close, liking how she gasped in anticipation of another kiss. A clatter from the family room brought both of them to their senses.
“We better go in there before we get caught out here.”
She demurred, “Good idea.”
Despite her glamorous look, he loved that she stretched out on the floor to play board games. She listened patiently to Eloise, soothing her when she got frustrated with the game. They watched the crowd in New York grow increasingly excited as the countdown to midnight began. Seeing the couples in the crowd, he grew intrigued by the prospect of celebrating with Eloise at eleven local time, then ringing in the real New Year with Penelope and champagne.
• • •
Although New York City had nice weather tonight and she’d been invited to several parties, she knew she belonged right where she was when the ball dropped. They figured out a way to put their heads together and all give each other kisses for luck. Carson kissed Eloise’s cheek, Eloise kissed Penelope who in turn kissed Carson, then they reversed the circle. They drank a toast of apple juice as Eloise struggled to keep her eyes open for a few minutes more.
With all her might, she resisted suggesting that Eloise go to bed. Since he’d offered her a ride home, she couldn’t. Eloise solved her dilemma, however. Sitting between the grown-ups, Eloise yawned. Her eyes fluttered shut before she collapsed onto her lap. Penelope gently stroked the little girl’s curls, even after she heard her breath deepen into sleep.
She had never thought of herself as the motherly type but looking at Eloise, she wanted to protect her and help her and love her. Watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and the sweet smile on her face, she considered what her own children might look like one day.
“Do you want children some day?”
She turned her head to him, wondering how he managed to read her mind.
“Ever since she was born, I’ve loved those times she falls asleep against me. She seems so secure, peaceful. Exhausted, yes, but also confident.”
“Confident? How so?”
“Because I know she trusts me to keep her safe, even in her dreams.”
A strange sense of understanding swept through her. Eloise loved her and trusted her and this was a special gift not to be taken for granted. She also remembered waking in Carson’s arms, how comfortable, secure, and right it seemed. That type of love seemed like a dream. She pursued her dreams of dance and succeeded. But now, she questioned the practicality of following dreams, and if so, which to follow.
• • •
Watching her contemplate Eloise’s peaceful face, hope grew within him. He let it spread from a tiny spot that he’d tried to suppress into a powerful force unleashed in his heart and mind. She hadn’t said she loved him or even Eloise whom she clearly adored. Yet, she’d flown halfway across the country to be with them, with him, tonight.
“Soon she’ll be heavy.”
“She’s all right.”
“I speak from experience. Besides, I can’t let her monopolize your lap like that.” He worked with experience at lifting a sleeping child and gingerly set her on the couch.
He smirked to himself when he caught her bouncing her leg, reviving circulation. He knew that move from first-hand experience.
“We’ve got a little time left until midnight. I’ll get the champagne you brought.”
They sipped their drinks and talked in front of the fireplace. She regaled him with her misadventures in travel, trying to cash in standby tickets her roommate gave her. To join him for New Year’s, she’d flown from LaGuardia to Boston to Newark and finally to Chicago. Her joyful spin on the chaos made him laugh so loud, he feared he would wake Eloise.