Winter Dreams

by Robyn Neeley

  Carly pressed her lips together. “I think some of what you said had a point, actually,” she said. Reaching down, she touched the baby again, now she could see why it was worth it, so beautiful. What would Daniel’s child look like?

  “I must find a working phone,” she said.

  “Please don’t,” Ali said, her voice hoarse. “Give me half an hour with my daughter, before I find out. Let me have this time.”

  “It will be good news, I’m sure.”

  “I don’t think it will be, I don’t get that feeling.” She hugged the child close.

  • • •

  Daniel clung to the sides of his narrow seat, harness tightening across his chest as another wave crashed across the lifeboat, throwing him backwards against the hard plastic. No matter how many times he did this, it always took him back to the day he had knelt in the back of another lifeboat, Carly on a stretcher beside him, her body twitching, eyes closed, blood pouring across the floor. Now he was racing to save her brother and Steve. The lifeboat jerked again, the engines roaring, pushing through the powerful waves.

  Only at times like this could you really appreciate the power of the sea. If Mick made a mistake during a storm like this, they would all die. Looking at the man’s hands gripping the wheel, his gaze intent and focused, Daniel nodded. If anyone would get those fishermen safely back home it would be Mick. He had Daniel’s desperate desire to rescue those caught in the water’s icy grip.

  The craft plunged again; his spine cracked back against the seat and teeth bit down on his tongue, filling his mouth with blood. At least Carly was safe in the boathouse; hopefully she was anyway, and not doing something stupid like trying to walk home. He sat upright; there hadn’t been time to tell Ali about what had happened, his family would only be aware that he’d gone out, and not returned.

  He groaned as a powerful wave threw the boat sideways and for a moment, all he could see through the window was swirling water. Had they gone under? No, the boat drove back up to the surface, engines screaming.

  “All right, Daniel?” Mick called.

  He nodded, good job he didn’t get seasick, although Ian looked pale. How long now until they reached the fishing trawler? He glanced at the closed hatch at the back of the life boat, soon they would have to go out there to get the men in.

  Turning back, he saw Ian wave and lean forward to speak.

  “Thanks for taking my lad’s place, I wouldn’t want him out in this. The skipper’s right, this isn’t a night for two from one family.”

  Daniel nodded — Ian, an experienced lifeboat man, was white, his jaw clenched tight. There was chance that they might not make it through this one, but as long as they knew the fishing trawler had men on board, they had to try. That was what lifeboat crews did, right from the days of dragging heavy, open wooden rowing boats to the shore. They were made up from men and women of the sea, who knew the fear of drowning and who would risk their own lives to save another’s. And men like Duncan sat on committees and denied these people a decent lifeboat.

  His fist clenched as the boat plunged again, thick white spray streaming past the window. Ian grabbed hold of his seat and Daniel smiled. He didn’t really care what happened today to him, he’d lost both his place on the team and Carly, there wasn’t much left for him to lose, apart from his life. And at the moment, he didn’t care much about that. Shaking his head, he swallowed — he mustn’t let that depression take hold again, it had been so hard to fight before. Without it, he might not have got involved with Imogen.

  Tightening his harness, he stared back out the window again at the waves towering above them. Strangely, he felt better out here then he did in the pub or at home, it felt like he was doing something. He couldn’t save him and Carly, clearly that was over, but he could save her brother and Steve from the grip of the cruel sea. It would help stop the guilt he felt over what happened, he’d be able to move on, knowing at he’d rescued someone, at least.

  The engine sound changed, slowing down, and peering through the window, he moistened his lips. A dark shape bounced on the waves in front of them. It was a life raft, and it was empty. He sat upright, narrowing his eyes to stare into the darkness of the sea. Mick brought the boat around in a circle, stopping the engine as a shape flashed through one of the windows. Undoing his harness and standing up, Daniel looked through. A few metres away, the Harvester floated, half its deck underwater and the cockpit roof ripped off. What the heck had happened? And where were the crew?

  • • •

  Carly stretched out on the hospital chair, the baby heavy and warm in her arms. Looking down, she stroked the tiny head, marvelling at the scrunched up eyes. Truly, it had been amazing; she’d feared she would faint or recoil in horror, but the whole experience had been so much better then she’d expected. Smiling, she hugged the child — Daniel’s niece — tight. Ali was asleep on the bed, having had a shower and been helped into a clean nightdress, she’d attempted to feed the child, but the baby had dozed back off and the midwife said not to worry. While Ali rested, the midwife had shown Carly how to change a nappy; it hadn’t been that difficult actually, once she got it the right way round.

  Looking down at the baby again, she watched the tiny eyes flicker open, there was so much more to life than racing in a dinghy — at the end of the day, it didn’t really mean so much. Daniel had the medals she’d wanted so badly, and he certainly wasn’t happy. Maybe they wouldn’t have made her happy.

  She’d wanted to win to prove to her mother and the rest of Haven Bay that she was worth something. When your only parent was the foul-mouthed town drunk, you got shunned as well. No-one had ever thought either her or Liam would amount to anything. However, even as she’d pushed herself in training, she’d known in her heart that it would make no difference to her mother, who’d never be proud of her. The woman couldn’t even stick around long enough to see her discharged from hospital. Why had she bothered trying to please someone who only loved alcohol? Getting a gold medal wouldn’t have changed anything, it wouldn’t alter the years of neglect she and Liam had suffered.

  And the rest of the town didn’t care about medals either: by allowing herself to help and be helped, Haven Bay had accepted her, and they appreciated the effort she was putting in to raise money for the life boat station — if you ignored people like Duncan, anyway.

  She would continue to go out in the dinghy to beat her fear, maybe even test for the Paralympics. But she would do it because she enjoyed it and wanted to, rather than due to a burning desire to prove herself.

  “You look comfortable there,” Ali said, from the bed.

  Carly jumped. “I didn’t realise you were awake.”

  “I was watching you, leaving you time to bond, and having a rest.” She grinned. “I’m so glad you were here, I’d have hated to go through that alone.”

  “I think I’d hate to go through it at all. Was it as bad as it looked?”

  Ali looked at the baby. “It was all right, served a purpose, but next time I’m getting here in time for an epidural.”

  “At least you’re saying there might be a next time.” Carly stood up, she needed to know what was happening back in Haven Bay.

  “Will you and Daniel have a baby, do you think?” Ali said.

  Carly started; he hadn’t told her they’d split up. Swallowing, she hugged the child tight. Suddenly the accident seemed so immaterial, there was so much else in life that she could do. Maybe even have a baby herself one day, but to do that she’d have to sort things out with Daniel because he was the only person she could ever imagine herself having a child with.

  Would he ever want her back though? Now she’d broken it off three times with him? He had his pride and wouldn’t accept being messed around with. She’d have to make him understand, too, that the accident hadn’t all been his fault, or his guilt would destroy them both again as ef
fectively as her anger.

  She must find a way to phone first though, to reassure herself that he was safe. He must be, surely? With Mick as coxswain, the boat was in good hands.

  “Ali?” she said, “do you want me to put her in the crib? I need to go out for a minute. We have to know what happening.”

  “Give her to me.” Wincing, Ali sat up and took the child, cradling her close. Carly stroked the baby’s head one last time and shuffled out the room.

  The public phones were out of order still, but standing outside in the lashing rain, she got a single bar of signal on her mobile and, with her hands shaking, dialled the life-station. Luke answered quickly.

  “It’s me, Carly. What’s happening?” she said. “Are they all right?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Luke?”

  Even through the crackling of the signal, she heard his shuddering breath and knew immediately that something terrible had happened.

  • • •

  Clutching the handrail, Daniel staggered up the harbour steps, cursing as wet seaweed slid under his boots. Sweat and water had frozen in his hair; layers of ice crusted his waterproof jacket, tears stung his eyes. Behind, came the heavy tread of boots as Liam hauled himself up, sniffing, no doubt blaming himself in the same way Daniel did. At least the crew had been rescued, they found them clinging to the wreckage. They’d been so close to a successful trip, then the lifeboat, driven by the high winds, plunged again, throwing Mick against the rail and over into the violently turmoiling ocean. He wore a harness, but the two boats had swung together, crushing his chest between them.

  Stopping, Daniel took a deep breath. They’d fought for him all the way back, continual CPR, each knowing, but not wanting to admit, that they were working on a dead man. The doctors had taken him off first and vanished with him in an ambulance, but their eyes, sad and concerned, told him all he needed to know. Now he had to tell Carly that the man who acted as a father to her had died in front of him, that once again he’d failed her.

  At least Liam was safe, white faced and clutching his side, but snatched from the waves by a man who paid a terrible price for his bravery. Reaching the top step, he turned and leaned down to pull Liam up to the harbour side, where he gripped his arm and they stood for a moment, exhausted, battered and fearful.

  Liam drew a shaky breath. “Thanks for saving me,” he said.

  Daniel shook his head, he didn’t deserve thanks, not when they were a man down. Looking back over the edge into the lifeboat beneath, he watched Steve climb onto the ladder and make his slow way up, hand over hand, the wind buffeting his waterproof, clawing at his hat. Hadn’t it done enough damage today? How much blood did the gale want before it finally blew itself out? There were so many storms in Haven Bay, each one leaving behind a trail of broken homes and boats, occasionally an empty space at a dinner table. You respected the ocean here, or it took you down.

  Wiping the rain from his face with his hands, he looked at the lifeboat station. Crowds spilled from the door, standing in a little circle of light, holding out blankets and hot cups of tea, word had spread, roused the town. White faces stared at him, compassion in their eyes, mouths trembling, not daring to approach, yet desperate to comfort.

  His parents stood waiting, his mother taking a step nearer, before drawing back, as if she understood that it wasn’t her that he wanted. Under the lights in the far corner there was a flash of red hair, with her hood down and hair soaking wet, Carly stood watching him, her face crumpled and tears flowing freely from her eyes.

  She knew.

  Luke flung a silver blanket over Liam and the rest of the townsfolk came forward, hugging, shaking out blankets, pouring drinks out of flasks, pulling the exhausted men into the lifeboat station. Ian Bainbridge, head low, legs stumbling, was supported by a doctor and his son. Sirens wailed, blue flashing lights reflected back from the puddles on the floor; a policeman touched his shoulder and whispered, “Well done, we thought we’d lost all of you.”

  Daniel nodded, then Carly stepped forward, her shoulders shaking.

  “I’m sorry about Mick,” he said.

  Weeping, she reached up to put her arms tight around his neck.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” she said. “It was no one’s fault, expect that damn ocean, the weather, the forces of nature. Mick was a risk taker, he’d do anything to save a life. It was only a matter of time, I always knew one day he wouldn’t return.”

  She wound her arms around his neck and drawing him close, he tasted her lips, her tears and the rain that poured down both their cheeks.

  “I love you,” she said. “I always have. I’m sorry for pushing you away, I was afraid after what happened before, that I would get hurt again.”

  “I would never hurt you.”

  “I know, Ali told me some things I needed to hear.” She wiped her eyes again. “And I was so frightened I’d lost you, that you’d gone out into that storm without knowing that I loved you.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “I lost the use of my leg doing a sport I loved, but Mick lost his life saving another person. Who am I to make a fuss? It could have been far worse, my life isn’t wretched, it’s just taken a different turn, and I was wrong to blame you for it. It wasn’t your fault, I’m not innocent over the dangers of the cliffs and tides, I should have refused to go.”

  He swallowed. “I can’t cope with this, Carly, this is the third time. How long will it be until you decide you hate me again?”

  “I won’t, sitting tonight in the hospital watching Ali in labour and fearing for the rest of you, made me realise how unimportant winning was. It hasn’t made you happy, I doubt it will do the same for me. But you make me happy and I want us to be together, I’m sorry for being so difficult, I needed time to think, to accept it all.”

  Daniel looked away, it hurt too much to look into her eyes. Here she was saying everything he always hoped she would say, but he couldn’t put his arms around her and hold her as he wanted to so much. He couldn’t take anymore, his heart couldn’t take any more. She’d change her mind again once the emotions of the night had gone, when she knew they were all safe.

  Shaking his head, he stepped back. “I got Liam back for you,” he said. “We’re even now. I don’t owe you anything, I can’t spend the rest of my life atoning for one mistake.”

  “I’ve been trying to tell you that, I don’t want you to.”

  “It’s too late, by tomorrow you’d have changed your mind again anyway. There’s no point, it can’t work, it never will, not unless I give up sailing, which I offered to do, and even that wasn’t enough.”

  She inhaled sharply and he couldn’t tell if it was water or tears that gleamed on her cheeks.

  “Don’t do this,” she said.

  “I’m returning home tomorrow, and this time, I doubt I’ll be coming back.”

  Turning around, he strode into the night, ignoring the shouts from his family and friends, needing to be alone in the dying residues of the storm.

  • • •

  Daniel unlocked his flat and pushing open the door, flung his bags across the wooden floor, to land with a smack against the skirting board. A pile of post lay behind the door and snatching it up, he tossed it onto the hall table. Imogen hadn’t been back, at least not for longer then it took to grab the rest of her belongings. He sighed in relief, at the moment he just wanted to be by himself.

  Dropping onto the leather sofa, he stared at the wide screen TV, the abstract art pictures on the walls, so bang on trend, but if he were honest, he preferred Carly’s flat with its regency striped paper and brightly decorated kitchen. It suited the type of person he was. He’d never fitted in with being one half of a celebrity couple, he just wanted to sail, and have someone to return home to. But that didn’t look possible, because the girl he wanted was so hot and cold, he couldn’t take anymore.


  Remembering the shocked expression on her face when he strode away, he closed his eyes. Had he just made a terrible mistake? Overreacted again? He’d been so patient though, tried to understand why she felt like she did and it had got him nowhere. She’d been right at the start, too much had happened and their lives were too different, it never would have worked.

  Or would it? Rising, he paced the room, pausing to look at a picture of him and Imogen on top of the white painted shelving unit: they were clinging together and smiling, except his own smile didn’t reach his eyes. Taking out his wallet, he took out a photo of a laughing brown haired girl, green eyes staring at the camera, then folding up a flap on the photo, added himself in beside her. No wonder Imogen had left him when she saw the picture, he was pressed tight to Carly, his head resting on hers, eyes alive. So much younger and happier, confident that the world was theirs to take; knowing nothing of injuries or depression or guilt. Could they ever go back to the way they used to be?

  He’d never know now, because there was no way he was going back to Haven Bay again, he could never see these cliffs and harbour or her again, it would hurt too much. His childhood home belonged to her now: she’d settled there, made a life for herself. And what would he do? Try and get back on the team? Did he even want to do that? More to the point, was there anything else he could do? She’d started a new career, but he was older and more well-known, it would be hard to find something else to do. It would also mean giving up sailing and he wasn’t sure he could cope with that, never feeling the rush of adrenaline again as he raced.

  The doorbell rang and he cursed, it wouldn’t be a salesman, not in these flats, they’d never get past security. It must be one of his teammates or Shane and he didn’t want to talk to either. It pealed again and sighing, he kicked his bags out the way and strode toward it, pushing the handle down and flinging it open.

  It was red hair he caught sight of first, then green eyes, and then a suitcase.