HARDER

by Olivia Hawthorne

  “Your baby, Caleb. Not your father’s. As much as you loved that little boy, he was never yours. This will be your child from this moment until we take our last breaths,” I said before my throat began to choke up and tears stung my eyes.

  This was going to be a healing journey for both of us. My first pregnancy was fraught with such fear and anxiety that I never had a moment to just enjoy it.

  This time I would.

  Caleb’s son hadn’t been his, not really, and even though he’d been the best father he could have been in that situation, this would heal his pain. Knowing that his seed had planted this little bud in my womb and his woman was carrying his child, that would go a long ways to restore his faith in the world.

  “A baby,” he said with wonder making his voice breathless.

  “Well, we don’t exactly know that. We need to find out I suppose.”

  “The moment we touch down, we’re getting a test,” he said, his eyes alight with love.

  I curled into the hollow of his arm and closed my eyes, silently praying that the test would be positive. The amount of happiness that even the thought of a baby had brought Caleb was enough for me to want this child more than I’d ever imagined.

  I fell asleep with my head against his chest, listening to the heart that belonged to me beating with love and life.

  * * *

  “Wake up, sleepyhead,” he said and I groaned and rolled against him, burying my face in his chest away from the light.

  “Where are we?” I asked without opening my eyes.

  “Back home,” he replied. “You slept the whole way.”

  He brushed my hair off my face and my lids fluttered open. “Home? Harder’s Mill?”

  “Yeah,” he grinned. “You’re so cute when you’re sleepy and confused.”

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s nine in the morning, but it’s Saturday,” he said. “We gained a day coming back.”

  “I’m happy to be home,” I said and my stomach roiled in response. “I don’t know if I’m hungry or if it’s more morning sickness.”

  “We’re going to stop at the pharmacy on the way home and find out,” he said and kissed my cheek. “I’ve been thinking about this most of the flight back. I can’t wait to find out.”

  “Me too,” I replied. The sleep lifted from my foggy brain and it hit me again. I was going to have Caleb’s baby. “Let’s go find out.”

  We had the driver stop by McLaren’s store on the way home and Caleb and I stood in front of the home pregnancy tests in utter confusion.

  “Do we want digital or do we want early detection?” he asked, holding two up and reading their labels.

  “Don’t they just tell you yes or no anymore?” I laughed and grabbed a third option. “Geeze, this one has a commemorative window you can keep for the baby book. I don’t think I want my pee stick in our baby’s book.”

  “Yeah, let’s put that one back,” he chuckled. “Or what the heck, let’s toss it in. We’ll try one of each just to be absolutely certain.”

  And with that, Caleb tossed seven tests in our basket and headed to the front counter. I followed behind laughing at his decision making skills.

  “Oh, interesting day planned,” the clerk at the counter said with raised eyebrows as she rang our purchases through.

  I didn’t recognize her, but one of the joys of small town life was that she probably knew who we were and was going to gossip about our purchase the moment we left.

  “Just planning ahead,” Caleb said casually and paid for the tests.

  “Take care,” I told her as we left. I hooked my hand in Caleb’s arm and leaned on him. As we exited the store I laughed and said, “You do realize she’s going to tell most of the town by the time we get home, right?”

  “Yeah, and that’s something I didn’t think about. We should have stopped off in Paris to pick up a pregnancy test.”

  “Oh well, what else did they think we were going to do on our honeymoon?” I smiled and let him help me into the car.

  “Exactly, babe,” he purred and climbed in beside me, kissed my neck and sent a shiver racing through me.

  Lucy was waiting for us on the front porch next to my mother. Caleb had texted ahead of time to have our room prepared and breakfast ready. I’d slept for hours, so I was wide awake and starving. I just hoped the morning sickness wouldn’t be too obvious, if I was pregnant I didn’t want to announce it just yet.

  “Mommy!” Lucy shrieked as I stepped out of the car.

  “Sweetie!” I yelled and watched her race down the steps towards us. Being a mom was a lot of things…tiring, self-sacrificing, nerve wracking…but moments like that made it all worthwhile. Knowing that I was the center of her world even for a few years was the sweetest feeling of all. This love was like no other and I would be truly blessed if I were able to do it all over again.

  “Did you get me anything?” Lucy asked and looked over my shoulder to where Caleb was unpacking the luggage with the driver’s help.

  “Of course I did,” I laughed and set her down. We walked hand in hand to the house and waited as the bags were brought inside.

  I opened my smaller bag on the marble floor of the foyer and said, “Close your eyes!”

  Lucy squeezed her lids shut and I pulled out the small collection of stuffed animals and treats I’d picked up at the airport gift shop. We hadn’t exactly gone to Greece to shop, but how could I explain that to my family?

  “Okay, open them,” I said. She did and jumped up and down, gathered all her new toys up in her arms and grinned at me.

  “I love them,” she said, “I’m going to put them in my room and name them all!”

  “You still haven’t had breakfast,” Mom said and stared at her with that stern look that had kept me on the straight and narrow as a child.

  “You always let me have cake for breakfast,” Lucy said and shot her a look back.

  Mom laughed, looked at me and said, “She’s so much your daughter that it’s scary.”

  I smiled and recalled my own stubborn nature…the very thing that had led to me ignoring everybody’s warnings and running off with Rolland. I didn’t want that for Lucy so I kicked back into parenting high gear.

  “Grandma has a good point. Come eat some fruit and yoghurt and you can go play right afterwards.”

  Lucy pouted, thought about disobeying me for a moment, but finally capitulated and ran to the kitchen ahead of us.

  “You’re a fantastic mom,” Caleb said in my ear as we walked. I smiled and knew no matter the outcome of the test, things were going to be perfect.

  * * *

  “I can’t stand the waiting,” Caleb groaned as we stared intently at the tests laid out on the bathroom counter.

  We’d gotten everything settled, had breakfast, chit chatted with Mom and Lucy and finally let Lucy run upstairs to play with her new things.

  We’d managed to covertly sneak the pharmacy bag of pregnancy tests up to our room and Caleb had paced nervously outside the bathroom as I’d managed to pee on each and every one of them.

  I’d loaded up on tea at breakfast just to prepare.

  “I know,” I said, “it was like this the first time but of course I didn’t want it that time.”

  “I’m glad it happened, Lucy is amazing,” Caleb said and took my hand.

  “Me too,” I replied, “I just wish my first child had been with you.”

  “I do too,” Caleb smiled. “I mean I wasn’t biologically his father, but I did love Trevor with all my heart you know.”

  “I know,” I said and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. “You were probably the best thing he had the years he was alive.”

  “I like to think so. He was so innocent, he never knew that I wasn’t his dad or that his mom and grandpa was so messed up.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that…and I’m sorry you lost him,” I said quietly. It broke my heart every time I think about Caleb’s life and all the struggles he’d gone
through before I’d met him.

  “I’m sorry and I’m not sorry,” he replied. “I spent a long time feeling sorry about everything and I almost became the thing I hated…angry and bitter like my father. You saved me from that, Brooke. You saved me from myself.”

  “You saved me too, Caleb,” I said and put my head on his chest and let him fold me into the comfort of his arms. “You saved me from running for the rest of my life and being afraid of my own heart.”

  “We saved each other,” he said and kissed the top of my head.

  It felt like we were suspended like that for a moment, as if time had stopped and the world moved around us without us being part of it.

  And then the alarm on my phone went off and we looked at each other with anticipation.

  “Shall we?” he asked with a grin as he opened his arms and glanced at the counter.

  “Let’s,” I laughed and stepped towards the tests, my heart beating so hard I thought I would surely faint right then and there.

  But I didn’t. I carefully scanned each one, looked up at Caleb and saw that he knew what I knew already.

  The joy on his face gave it away.

  We were pregnant.

  Chapter 35

  He picked me up in his arms and swung me around so hard I thought my breakfast was going to come up in a repeat of that night in the club.

  “Better put me down,” I said frantically and he laughed, a huge sound that reverberated in his chest. Pure joy.

  He did set me down though, and I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the cool marble countertop. I breathed slowly and mentally ordered the baby to calm down. I opened my eyes and looked up.

  “This is the happiest I’ve ever been,” Caleb exhaled and watched me carefully. “You’ve made me so happy, Brooke.”

  “Me too,” I said, “this is incredible. Once the first trimester passes I’ll be able to enjoy it more.”

  “How long will you feel sick?”

  “With Lucy for the first three months, let’s hope this one is the same.”

  “I love you,” he said with a sudden fierceness that made my heart thump harder and my breath catch in my chest.

  “I love you too,” I whispered and he kissed me again, there in the bathroom next to the row of pregnancy tests all declaring that we were going to be parents together to a brand new life.

  That our love had come together to create a baby, and with that baby our family would be even more filled with happiness and joy.

  He pulled away and frowned. “How are we going to tell Lucy? I don’t ever want her thinking I’ll love this baby more than I love her.”

  “She’s going to be thrilled, but I think we should maybe wait a few weeks just to be…you know, I don’t want to jinx it.”

  “I completely understand,“ Caleb said with a grin. “I don’t know if I can make it that long, I want to run through the streets telling everyone I see. But I do understand.”

  We would tell them soon enough, time would move quickly as it does when children are involved, and soon the world would know we were going to bring a new life into it.

  * * *

  I’d agreed to let Addy have her wedding at our place and I was regretting it from the moment the crew of wedding planners came to take photos and move furniture.

  And I’d regretted it up to today, the day of Addy’s wedding, but I was a good friend and I knew they had nowhere else. Gary had a great job but he also had a money hungry ex wife and a recent move to Harder’s Mill to contend with or else Addy would have taken them all to Mexico or something for the ceremony.

  “Excuse me, miss!” somebody yelled from behind me. I sidestepped while three men carried our heavy antique dining table to the patio. It was a gorgeous day, so the table would be fine but it was still unsettling to see it being moved.

  I breathed slowly in and out and felt our baby kick hard at the stress I must be sending it.

  “Easy, little one,” I said and rubbed my belly. I was massive, I was about a week away from my due date and uncomfortable and grouchy as all get out. Thank god it wasn’t into summer yet and I would miss the horrible heat.

  “May weddings are always so amazing,” Mom said as she walked up to me and patted my stomach. “How’s my grandbaby?”

  “Good, a little flip floppy maybe,” I laughed. “You and dad were married in May, weren’t you?”

  “Yes, May the eleventh,” she said. “It was a Friday night so we got a discount on the hall we rented. It wasn’t anything as fancy as yours, of course.”

  “But you loved each other, that was all that mattered,” I said and squeezed her shoulders.

  “That we did,” she said wistfully. Mom had moved in with us after selling the family home and was having a little trouble adjusting. It was a big change without Dad but staying in their house had been too hard on her. I was hoping that once the baby was born she’d cheer up a little.

  “Mommy, when is my little brother getting here?” Lucy yelled as she ran up with Addy’s kids behind her.

  “Soon, and we don’t know if it’s a brother or sister,” I said, “now go play but don’t get your dresses dirty.”

  “We won’t,” Addy’s daughter said and they were off again, a little herd of giggles and bright smiles.

  I heard Lucy tell them, “I know it’s a brother,” as they rounded the corner and were out of sight.

  “She is convinced you’re having a boy,” Mom said with a smile.

  “I know, so is Caleb,” I replied. “I refuse to play the guessing game, that’s why the nursery is all neutral colors.”

  “I’ve noticed a little more blue than pink in all that stuff you bought,” Mom laughed. “I think you have an idea what you’re having.”

  “She’s having a boy,” Caleb said and came up behind me to kiss my neck and rub his hands on my belly.

  I loved how his hands felt there, the connection and love that poured through them warmed me from head to toe.

  “I think we all know that,” Mom grinned, patted my belly one more time and went off in search of Lucy.

  “I should go check on Addy,” I said. “There are thirty minutes to the ceremony and the last I saw of her she was screaming at the make up artist.”

  “Oh dear,” Caleb said and kissed my neck again. I shivered and felt a familiar wave of need flow through me. “We can’t have an angry bride, go calm your friend and I’ll make sure Gary’s tie is straight.”

  “Sounds good,” I replied. “Maybe after the ceremony we could sneak upstairs like we did at our wedding. If you’re into having sex with a woman shaped like a beach ball.”

  Caleb laughed and kissed my neck again. He brought his mouth close to my ear and said, “I wouldn’t have sex with a woman like that, but I would with you, Brooke, no matter what you looked like. Think about it, I’ll still be having sex with you when you’re wrinkled and saggy and I’ll love every minute of it.”

  “By that time we’ll be lucky if we last a minute,” I snickered and he chuckled.

  I waddled off to see Addy and could feel Caleb’s heated gaze on my body as I walked away. He made me feel like a glorious goddess even when I felt like anything but.

  Now that was love, loving somebody through thick and thin, through everything they had in their heart and soul…the good and the bad.

  “How’s it going in here?” I asked quietly as I entered our guest bedroom where Addy’s crew was set up.

  “Horrible,” Addy said, “my hair won’t do anything right!”

  She looked like she was on the verge of tears so I did my best to calm her down. I smoothed her hair and reminded her how awful she’d look if she had black streaks of mascara running down her cheeks.

  Her friends seemed more than happy to let me handle the bridal break down and soon enough she was walking down the aisle and I was standing at the patio watching her.

  She’d wanted me to be in the party but there was no way I could have handled everything she’d needed. She’d let me of
f the hook because of my pregnancy but I still wanted to watch of course.

  As they said their vows I felt tears in my eyes. It reminded me so much of my own wedding that I almost wished that Caleb and I could do it all over again.

  Maybe I could talk him into renewing our vows every few years. How different it would be from the tenuous relationship I’d always had with Rolland.

  I watched Lucy standing up during the ceremony, doing her best to look like a grown up girl even though she shifted and scratched at herself like a little kid still.

  Luckily Rolland hadn’t come back, he’d gotten the message loud and clear and Lucy hadn’t seemed to have suffered any for it. She knew she was loved by both Caleb and I and even with the new baby she’d still be our little girl.

  “Ready to head upstairs a little early?” Caleb asked and I laughed and turned around to his open arms.

  “I just might be,” I said, “I’m so freaking tired already. I suppose it will get worse when I’m up twenty times a night with the baby.”

  “I’ll help as much as I can,” he said and pulled me against him. Well as much as my stomach would allow. He bent over me and kissed me, sending familiar electric jolts through my limbs.

  “I know you will,” I said, smiling against his lips. “The more help I get, the more energy I’ll have for sex.”

  “Oh now that you put it that way,” he said and pulled back, looked down at me with a cheeky grin, “I’ll have to hire ten full time nannies and a few personal assistants for you, babe.”

  I was about to say something back when the wedding guests began to applaud. The ceremony had finished and I said, “We should probably go see if they need our help.”

  “They’ll be fine on their own,” Caleb said and kissed me again. That’s all it took to convince me. I let him lead me to the stairs. I lifted my foot at the first one and felt a massive pain rip through my abdomen.

  “Oh shit,” I said and gasped.

  “Brooke, what is it?” Caleb asked and put his arm around me.