Laughter filled the air. Lawson grinned, seeming more at ease. “I’ve never had an opportunity like this where practically the whole town is listening to my every word. It probably won’t happen again so I figure I’d better make the most of it by saying a few words to some very special people. Doc and Lettie, you raised me to be the man I am today. I don’t think I tell you enough what that meant to me or how much you mean to me.”
Doc stepped up to put his arm around his wife. “It’s been an honor.”
“It surely has,” Lettie echoed.
Lawson nodded, took a moment to wrangle his emotions to a more manageable state and continued. “I’m also grateful to Nathan and Kate Rutledge. If you hadn’t taken me in all those years ago, I don’t want to imagine where I’d be or who I would be now.”
Nathan grinned. “That was definitely one of our better decisions. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Rutledge?”
“It was.” Kate nodded then teased, “He didn’t stay with us for more than a few months back then but we have him now, don’t we?”
Lawson laughed as did everyone else. “Aside from thanking you for hosting this shindig, Sean and Lorelei, what can I say? Y’all are just about the best friends a man could ask for.”
Sean nodded his appreciation and Lorelei smiled but they refrained from commenting. Then Lawson looked at Ellie. Was it her imagination or did anticipation float through on a breeze? Suddenly, everyone was at attention. Her friends even leaned forward slightly. She barely refrained from rolling her eyes. What did they think was going to happen? A proposal? Not likely.
She tilted her head thoughtfully. What is he going to say, though? I wonder if he’ll try to be romantic or if he’ll just focus on our friendship. No doubt everyone will pick whatever statement he makes apart in an effort to discern his feelings for me... He is taking an awfully long time to come up with something.
“Ellie,” he began, “I think what I said to you earlier today made it pretty clear how much I’ve come to—” he cast about for an appropriate word before settling on “—appreciate your...ah...friendship.”
It took her a moment to realize he was referring to their conversation in the buggy. “Oh. Yes, of course.”
I will not blush. That would give away too much to all of the folks staring at me right now. For once her cheeks obeyed. A smile tilted her lips and she nodded at him in deference. Very clever. You told me something yet managed not to tell them anything at all. Won’t that leave everyone just itching to know what you said earlier today?
He seemed to understand what she was thinking for he grinned. “I hear you are also the one to thank for coordinating this celebration. You did a great job. Now...how about that cake?”
“Yeah, Ellie, how about that cake?” Sean asked, obviously not referring to the cake and with no other purpose than to tease her.
He wasn’t the only one wondering, because the conversations that should have continued now that Lawson was done with his announcement, didn’t. She just smiled secretively as she lit the candles. “Wouldn’t you like to know? It’s too bad I’m not telling.”
Sean winked at her as if he already knew. She wrinkled her nose at him then stepped aside so Lawson could make his wish and blow out the candles. It only took one breath from him to make those tiny fires go out but the one in her heart blazed all the brighter. She would just focus on that, not on the ache that filled her chest from her conversation with Lettie earlier today. Her gaze met Lawson’s and somehow that made it easier to smile.
* * *
A nod from Nathan was enough to make Lawson push back from the table after their midday meal a few days later. Sean did the same. Lorelei looked at them in confusion. “Where are you men going in such a hurry?”
“We’re just going to have a talk,” Nathan answered. “Make sure we aren’t disturbed, will you, Kate?”
“Since when do men talk?”
“Very funny.” Nathan pressed a kiss on Kate’s forehead before leaving the room.
“We promised the children we’d play with them,” Lorelei reminded Sean.
He kissed her cheek. “We will when I come back.”
Lawson looked at Ellie. She watched Sean leave the room then met his gaze with a cheeky smile. “I think I’m supposed to protest.”
“And I’m supposed to kiss you.” He glanced at the other women. “Or is that only for married folks?”
Kate shook her head and swept a hand in Ellie’s direction. “Go right ahead.”
Lorelei nodded. “Just keep it respectable.”
He leaned over, lifted Ellie’s chin and placed a kiss on the tip of her nose. “How was that?”
“Well done,” Kate said.
As soon as he left the room he heard Lorelei ask, “What did he say to you on his birthday?”
He met the other men outside. Nathan told them to follow him, then led them into the barn and up the ladder to the hayloft. Lawson let out a low whistle once he saw a huge fort made out of hay. “That’s impressive.”
Nathan nodded. “The children started it. I told them to take it down but as we moved things around, it turned into this instead.”
Sean shook his head in awe. “Lawson, why didn’t we think of doing this when we were children?”
“I don’t know.” He frowned. “Are we really going to have this discussion in a hay fort? What’s wrong with the parlor?”
“The sound carries.”
“I always forget that.”
“Everyone does unless they’re in the kitchen...except for me. Sometimes that’s the only way I know what’s going on in my own house.” Nathan clasped him on the shoulder. “Now, stop being nervous and enjoy the moment. Let’s go inside.”
Lawson’s first impression of the fort was right. It was impressive. It had four outer walls of hay. Each wall had a window and the front one had a door they had to crawl to get through. The inside was partitioned into three rooms. They found their hay chairs in the last one. Nathan was the first to start things off. “Sean tells me there is a question you want to ask me.”
“I’d like to marry Ellie.”
“I figured that.” Nathan nodded, then leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “You know you’re like a brother to Sean and me, so this discussion isn’t so much about whether you’re suitable or not. I told you a long time ago that I couldn’t imagine a better man for our Ellie. However, we’re still going to ask you some questions to make sure you know you’re doing the right thing for the both of you.”
“Fair enough.”
“Why do you want to marry Ellie?”
“I love her.”
“What does God say about it?”
The question threw him for a moment. He cleared his throat. “I can’t say that I’ve heard a direct command from Him to marry her. It’s just more of a knowing inside me.”
That seemed to satisfy Nathan. Lawson turned to Sean expecting him to speak up now. He wasn’t disappointed. “How has your father’s sudden reappearance affected your relationship with Ellie?”
“I think it’s made my feelings for her stronger. She stood by me during my trip to his ranch. That meant a lot to me.”
Sean played with a loose piece of hay as he considered that. “Have you forgiven your father, Lawson?”
“I thought we were talking about Ellie,” he said tensely.
“We’ll get back to her.” Sean tossed the hay on the floor. “This is important, too.”
Lawson looked to Nathan, hoping the man might be able to get their discussion back on track. He was disappointed when his boss shrugged. “I’m concerned about that, too. For your sake, I hope you have, but I can tell you probably haven’t. There is a lot of anger stored up inside of you, Lawson. You hide it well but it’s been there as long as I’ve known you.”
; “Anger isn’t always a bad thing,” he countered.
“You’re right. The Bible says there is such a thing as righteous anger. But I have a feeling that holding on to that anger has let a lot of other things slip in, as well.”
“Like what, exactly?”
“Fear...self-doubt...maybe a little bitterness. Am I hitting anywhere close to home?” At Lawson’s hesitant nod, he gave a grim nod. “I thought so.”
“It isn’t worth it, Lawson,” Sean advised. “It isn’t worth holding on to that anger if you have to forfeit so much to keep it. You’re a good man but I don’t think you realize that. You seem to still see yourself as that child who was abandoned. That hasn’t been you for a very long time.”
“I know.” He sighed. “I’ve been thinking the same thing myself lately. I’m not sure how to forgive Clive, though.”
Nathan shrugged and leaned back onto the hay wall. “I think you just have to let it go. Make the decision to forgive him even if you don’t feel it, then let God work out the rest.”
Sean nodded. “It may not happen immediately but it will in time.”
“What about the anger?”
Nathan smiled wryly. “I’ve found that if I’m angry at someone it helps to pray for them. It’s probably the last thing I want to do at the moment but it’s effective eventually.”
“I’ll try that.”
Sean nodded. “I asked you about your father because I see how your inability to forgive him—as wrong as he was—could transfer to others you care about, including Ellie. I love my sister but she isn’t perfect, which means she’s going to mess up. So what happens if she disappoints you in some way? Are you going to turn away from her? Or will you love her anyway and seek her out to show her that? That’s the kind of love I want for both of you.”
Lawson stared at the hay-laden floor thoughtfully. Had he ever loved in that way before? No, he hadn’t. But that was the kind of love he’d always wanted for himself. If he hadn’t given it then why did he expect to receive it?
He gritted his teeth. I really have let my anger and unforgiveness bind me to my past. Nathan and Sean are right. I have to let it go. It’s the only way to have the life that I want.
“All right, Lord,” he prayed, hardly realizing he spoke aloud until Sean and Nathan bowed their heads. “I’m letting go of my anger and I choose to forgive my father.” He paused, realizing that was the first time he’d ever called Clive that. Just like that, anger welled up inside of him. He shook his head. “You know I don’t feel it but I guess I’ll have to trust You to fix that. Help me to love Ellie the way You love her. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
He eyed the men he’d hoped to call his brothers-in-law. “I guess this means I don’t have your permission to marry Ellie.”
Nathan and Sean exchanged a look before Sean said, “Are you crazy? Of course you can marry Ellie.”
“You mean it?” he asked, even as relief settled over him in a thick wave.
Nathan nodded. “Everybody is working on something in their faith. If they aren’t, then they should be. That isn’t enough to disqualify you. Just be mindful of what we said. That prayer was proof you’re already working on it.”
“How soon are you going to propose?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to be a bit surer of her feelings for me before I ask.”
Sean grinned. “The only way to know for sure is to ask.”
“I guess you’re right.” To be honest, the thought of doing so slightly terrified him. If she said no, he’d just keep loving her and hope eventually that love would turn back into just plain friendship. Wasn’t that the right answer? He hoped so because it was the only one he had.
Chapter Nineteen
Ellie placed her chin on her fist as she stared thoughtfully out of the sitting room window toward the barn. “What do you think they’re doing out there?”
Lorelei spilled a handful of jacks on the low table as she tried to beat her niece’s record score. “They’re probably playing Cowboys and Indians in that fort Timothy was telling us about.”
Everyone giggled at that. Ellie sat back in her chair. “Oh, I haven’t played that game in such a long time. I wish they would have invited me.”
Lorelei glanced up with a grin. “I keep forgetting you were a tomboy growing up.”
“I’ll never forget.” Kate groaned. “I thought I’d never see the end of those knee-patched bloomers you always wore.”
“They were comfortable. I’ll tell you that much.” She glanced out the window. “Here they come. Oh, no!”
“Did someone get shot with an arrow?” Kate asked.
Dread filled her stomach as the men greeted their new visitor. “Worse. Mrs. Greene is here. What on earth could she want?”
A thousand awful scenarios played out in her mind as they all came inside. When Mrs. Greene announced her desire to speak to Ellie alone, curious looks were exchanged but everyone left them alone in the parlor. Ellie closed the door firmly behind them. She smoothed her skirt, then turned around to face her foe. “How can I help you, Mrs. Greene?”
Mrs. Greene took a seat on the settee, though Ellie hadn’t offered her one. “Please sit down. I’d like to say what I came here to say without you hovering.”
Ellie took her sweet time in taking the chair next to the settee. “Go right ahead.”
The woman pulled in a deep breath. “I did wrong by you and I’m sorry for it. You came to me that day hoping for reconciliation. Instead, I offered you your worst nightmare served on a silver platter.”
“Ms. Lettie talked to you.”
“She did. My conscience had been bothering me, anyway.”
Ellie surveyed her for a moment. “I hope you know how hard it is for me to believe you’re sincere right now.”
“I don’t know how I’d be able to prove it to you.” She grimaced and took her handkerchief out of her reticule to twist it nervously. “I realized how upset your parents would be if they knew I’d let you take the full blame for their deaths. We didn’t part on good terms, and as disappointed as they were in you for spreading the secret, I think they were equally disappointed in me for refusing to forgive a child’s mistake. They told me if I so much as mentioned that episode in your presence I’d have them to deal with and not you. I guess all of that anger in me built and built until even your apology wasn’t enough. I wanted to hurt you and I suppose I did. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry.”
“I understand why you felt the need to tell me.” Ellie sighed. “For some reason, forgiving you isn’t that hard. It’s me I can’t forgive.” She shook away her thoughts and stood. “Thank you for coming, Mrs. Greene. I hope this means we can call a truce. We’ve done enough damage to each other already, haven’t we?”
“I reckon we have.” Mrs. Greene reached out to squeeze her hand. “I truly am sorry. Goodbye, dear.”
Having Mrs. Greene call her “dear” somehow took the last of Ellie’s strength out of her. She managed to wait until the woman left before collapsing onto the chair. She covered her face with her hands and tried to ignore the tears that stole down her cheek. It made no sense to cry now. Mrs. Greene had apologized. That was one load off her shoulders.
Perhaps it was just the reminder of her hand in her parents’ deaths that did it. She’d been so good at avoiding that fact since she’d gotten back from the ranch. She’d stopped thinking about it every hour and now only thought about it every day or so. She tried to put Clive’s words into action. Don’t let one mistake define your life. That had only worked to an extent. Maybe it was time to try Lettie’s advice about forgiving herself.
Suddenly she was aware that she was not alone. She glanced up to find her entire family and Lawson filing into the room. A small cry of dismay filtered through her lips as she realized they had probably all gone
to the kitchen, which meant they’d heard every word of her exchange with Mrs. Greene. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and grimaced. “All of you heard. Well, it’s true. All of it’s true. It’s my fault our parents died. I didn’t want to tell you, but Ms. Lettie said you already knew.”
Kate nodded slowly. “I knew why they went into town that day but I had no idea you thought it was your fault. Oh, my dear little sister.”
Suddenly she was enveloped in her sister’s arms. Tears fell freely down Ellie’s face. “You don’t have to pretend that you don’t blame me. Please, don’t. I couldn’t stand it.”
“No one has to pretend, Ellie. We don’t blame you,” Sean said fiercely as he wrapped his arms around them both. “You were a child. You couldn’t have known what you said, let alone that Ma and Pa would rush out into a threatening storm the moment they found out.”
Kate stepped back to look at her face. “Tell me you believe us.”
Ellie searched their faces. She wasn’t sure yet if she agreed with them, but she could see that they meant what they’d said. She nodded. Sean handed her a freshly pressed handkerchief from his pocket. As she wiped away her tears he said, “As for you not forgiving yourself...”
“Yes?”
His tone gentled. “I don’t see the point of it. You aren’t going to bring Ma and Pa back by doing that. You’re only going to make us sad and yourself miserable.”
“He’s right, Ellie.”
“I suppose.” She sounded about as unconvinced as she felt. It seemed after that everyone else wanted a chance to hug her—even her nieces and nephew. Lawson hugged her last. Once she stepped from his embrace she turned to everyone else and offered a trembling smile. “So what’s this I hear about a fort?”
* * *
The first fire of the season blazed in the farmhouse’s fireplace the next evening. The snap of cooler weather seemed to make everyone huddle a little closer to each other for the Rutledge family’s Bible reading. At least that was the excuse Lawson gave himself for his close proximity to Ellie. She sat beside him on the settee with her feet tucked under her and a shawl draped around her shoulders. Kate sat in the rocker with Grace on her lap. Hope and Timothy sat at their father’s feet as he read. Baby Matthew was already asleep.
A Texas-Made Match Page 20
