Vein Fire

by Adams, Lucia

  Hannah leaned forward to rest on her palms and stuck the limp dick in her mouth. She sucked and ran her tongue over the man’s shaft, but it was useless. He was flaccid.

  “Fuck! Not again! Listen, I drank too much. I got something in my truck that’ll help. You stay right here and I’ll be back.”

  Hannah wasn’t sure if she should get dressed or not. The whiskey kicked in so she stretched back onto the grass, and looked at the stars. After a few minutes, she started to feel scared and cold. She was in the dark, away from the rest of the party—and Matt…he was somewhere out there. Months had passed since Hannah last thought about Matt being released, but they were over eighteen now, so it made sense.

  The cracking sound of a twig made Hannah look to her left. A man’s black silhouette stood between her and the rest of the party. She couldn’t see his face, but the lights blared around his shape.

  “Hannah Simmons?”

  Hannah could smell her own fear and her piss released in a warm stream into the patch of grass beneath her. It wasn’t the man in the cowboy boots. This guy was much shorter.

  “Don’t be afraid, Hannah. That’s all I wanted to tell you—don’t be afraid.”

  Hannah did not move, and she did not breathe. The man, who appeared to be Matt, turned and walked back to the party. After his figure was swallowed by the crowd, Hannah stood up, put her pants back on, and ran. She sprinted to the opposite side from which he came—back to the beer pong crowd, leaving her panties on the grass. She stopped and went back for them, undressed, put them on, and redressed. If she had forgotten them there, she knew Bob would have hit them with his lawnmower, shredding pink onto his green yard.

  “Whatssa mattta?” Bob greeted Hannah when she snuck herself back into the crowd. Her head spun from the liquor and her stomach lurched. She swallowed back the vomit and closed her eyes, but the darkness cycloned, too. She opened them and Bob was smiling as he handed her a beer. She drank it, fast, and her empty hand was filled with another bottle.

  “Shit, Hannah, you can really drink.” Bob lit a joint. He passed it to her and she inhaled deeply before passing it back to him. “Nah, pass it that way; I got more.”

  Hannah felt safe standing next to Bob. He fed her beers and joints over the next hour until she was lost in the ever-changing flicker of the campfire.

  “Hannah, have you met Matt yet? He works with me.”

  Hannah turned her stare from the fire and looked at Bob. Matt was standing next to him.

  “I know Hannah. We went to school together.”

  “Damn, I didn’t know you graduated from Laurel High, Matt.”

  “Yeah.” Matt didn’t say anymore. Hannah knew he wouldn’t want to explain to Bob why he hadn’t graduated from there, but from the program at Oakmont.

  “Well, if you know where she lives, she might need a ride home,” Bob laughed and lit another joint. He handed it to Matt first who took a hit and passed it to Hannah.

  Hannah took the joint and placed her lips where Matt’s had been. The paper was slightly wet. She took a small hit and held it in front of her for someone to take. Bob took it, puffed on it twice, and handed it to Matt.

  “Here, you guys finish this, I gotta go find Donna.”

  Matt stared at Hannah. She hoped he couldn’t tell she was breathing like a rabbit—fast and full of panic.

  “Calm down, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

  Hannah didn’t speak.

  “It was years ago. It was a mistake. Look, can we just finish this joint and talk?”

  Hannah nodded her head and took the outstretched joint.

  “So, have you seen any of the old gang? Joel or Brian?”

  “Joel moved to Philadelphia to play in some band. I haven’t seen him since high school. Brian is at Penn State studying accounting.”

  “Ack, Brian and his fucking numbers.”

  “Yeah.”

  “How ‘bout Olivia?”

  “Pregnant.”

  “Pregnant?” Matt laughed, “Would I know who the daddy is?”

  “Nah, some hippy artist guy from Pittsburgh.”

  “Oh, I bet her father’s pissed as hell.”

  “Of course, why do you think she did it?”

  They laughed and Hannah was calm. Once in awhile, the yard would spin.”

  “What about you? You work with Bob now?”

  “Yeah, I’ve been doing that for a few months. How about you?”

  “I work with Bob’s wife, Donna, down at City Hall.”

  “Oh, that’s cool.”

  “Yeah, it’s a pretty decent job…boring. The hours are good, so I’m not complaining.”

  There were a few minutes when they didn’t speak, but nervously drank their beers.

  Hannah staggered a little bit and almost fell. Matt grabbed her arm, “Whoa! Be careful.”

  “Thanks. I’m drunk as hell.”

  “You’d better not drive home.”

  “Yeah, I’d better not.”

  “Where do you live now?”

  “Downtown.” She nodded her head, trying to move the awkward conversation along.

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Oh, that’s cool.” She kept nodding, but it didn’t speed things up.

  “Yeah.”

  “Listen, if you want, I can drive you home. I know you probably are still scared of me, but I swear, I’m a different person now, and if you’d ask Bob, he’d vouch for me. He’s known me for months. He even helped get me my job.”

  “Wow, that’s impressive, he wouldn’t even do that for his son.”

  “Yeah, we’ve been cool for a long time. So, can I drive you home?”

  “I—I don’t know.”

  “Aw, c’mon. My ride left without me. I could really use a lift downtown.”

  “Your ride left you?”

  “Yeah, he was drunk though, so I think he forgot about me. I’ve been looking for someone to take me home for the past hour. I promise—you have nothing to be afraid of.”

  Hannah hesitated, “Okay.”

  “Cool. Really?” Matt smiled and looked happy.

  “Yeah. As soon as you’re ready, I’m about to pass out.”

  “Okay, my jacket’s over on that chair, I’ll be right back.” Matt trotted off, and Hannah dug deep into her little red purse for a bottle of pills. She opened them, dumped six into her palm, and swallowed them with her beer. Xanax and alcohol shouldn’t be mixed—and Hannah knew this, but it stopped her from having a panic attack.

  Matt came back and smiled at her. After they said goodbye to Donna and Bob, they walked to Hannah’s car. Hannah was still sipping from her bottle of beer when the car turned onto the highway. She finished it and tossed it out the car window, briefly sticking her head out so she could feel the wind on her face. As soon as she plopped back into her seat, she passed out.

  Matt couldn’t wake her as he entered the city. He knew he could check her purse for her driver’s license to find her address, but then he’d have to find a ride home from her house or walk. He pulled behind his house and parked the car. He got out, unlocked his back door, and returned for Hannah. For a minute, he considered leaving her in the car to sleep, but sighed as he slung her over his shoulder and carried her inside.

  CHAPTER 6

  Emulsion

  “Will you show me your scars?” Matt asked as he tugged her pants off.

  Hannah didn’t answer him. He ran a greedy finger along the splintered paths of her healed wounds. His crooked finger tugged the crotch of her underwear to the side.

  “Did you shave for me?”

  Hannah didn’t hear him. He knew she hadn’t shaved for him— the slut kept herself bare for a devil called opportunity. My, how she’d grown. Matt rubbed the outside of his jeans. This was easy for him.

  He leaned into her until his face was inches from hers and blew on a chunk of hair caught in her eyelashes. She didn’t move. He took her panties off. This was Hannah, the girl who ruined his life. Th
e doctors could reason how it was actually his fault, but in the end, they ran on a circular track in his head, and all roads led back to Hannah.

  In the room only lit by a television, her skin was a creamy blue color. The lines of scars on the inside of her arm were a lighter color, and they looked like army soldiers lined up, locked and loaded. It was time.

  Matt pushed Hannah’s legs up until they framed the sides of her face. He spit on her cunt, twice, and watched as she inhaled when he penetrated her. Still, she slept.

  “You’re going to let me do this to you every day, aren’t you?”

  Hannah didn’t answer; she was hidden away behind closed eyelids, lost in a dream that smelled like candles burning in a cathedral at Easter.

  “Sshh, now,” he said, even though she was quiet. His hands slid down from her ankle as he lowered her leg and kissed it. He sunk himself in deep, but she was bottomless, like him.

  *

  Hannah slept on the couch that smelled like dog, only half aware of shapes in red light that moved and whispered.

  When she woke up, she didn’t know what happened, only that something had happened. The sun illuminated the silence in the room and she immediately sat upright on the couch and realized it was morning. She was dressed, but wondered if she had been naked at some point because her shirt was on backwards, and her pants were crooked. Matt was asleep at the other end of the couch and his head rested on his folded arms. Hannah realized she pissed her pants, but it must have been hours earlier because the piss was nearly dried. As she carefully rose from the couch, she touched where she had been sitting. It was damp, but just barely. Her hear raced and she hoped it would dry before Matt noticed. Hannah took broad, soft steps as she tip-toed around the house until she found the kitchen and saw her shoes next to the door. Easing her feet into them slowly, she slipped out of the house without waking Matt. After she took two steps off of the porch, she bolted across the yard, only to fall forward into the grass. Standing up in a panic, she ran the rest of the way to her car. She was cold and she felt sick—like she could vomit. Whatever happened, she knew it was her fault.

  When she got home, she shed her clothes and showered. Each bead of water pounded their tiny fists into her skin, screaming at her to remember. She didn’t hear them. Hot soap and water steamed away any doubt she had, and erased the prior night’s smells: cock, smoke, and beer. There was nothing to think about; it was all gone after the shower. When she stepped out of the shower and wiped the fog from the mirror, the questions came back. She had a purplish hickey on the side of her neck. Her muscles were sore. She thought she knew, but wasn’t sure. She fought through her memory of blurry red images, but they quickly dissolved and then there was nothing. In her head, it was settled—she would ask Matt.

  Hannah was happy to stretch out on her own bed. She wondered if her muscles were sore from sleeping on the couch. Her bed felt good, and she fell asleep trying to piece the events of the previous night into a firm memory, but it was like flan.

  *

  Matt and Hannah were an emulsion; they’d never combine together in their fluid existence, yet they surrounded each other. Even when they occupied one another in the same moment in time, they remained two distinct immiscible entities—not able to be fully blended. Their overlapping could be volatile or it could be verdant, however, they rarely had the same take on the flickering procession of film clips which had become their lives. The mixture was remarkable as Matt and Hannah never held the same perspective on their encounters.

  *

  Hannah woke up and looked at the clock—she had slept for hours. She began searching for her purse, but couldn’t find it. Hannah went out to her car, but didn’t find it there either. After hesitating, she called Donna, who said Bob had already picked up the garbage and didn’t find a purse. The only thing left to do was to call Matt. Bob gave her Matt’s phone number and she wrote it on a corner of an old newspaper.

  She nervously held the scrap of paper in her palm, but was angry as she dialed. When he answered, her mood smoothed.

  “Hey, it’s me—Hannah.”

  “Hi, Hannah, what’s up?” His voice was scratchy, as if he just woke up.

  “I was wondering if I left my purse there last night?”

  “Um, red thing, small, long strap?”

  “Yeah, that’s it.” Great, Hannah—of all fucking places to leave your purse.

  “Would it be alright if I came over to pick it up? I really need it.”

  “Yeah. Remember where I live?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool. How about in an hour or so?”

  “Okay. Um, maybe we could talk about last night as well?”

  Matt paused, “Sure. Sure, whatever. I’ll see you in an hour. I gotta go jump in the shower now.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  “Later.”

  Hannah was frantic to get ready. She didn’t know what to wear, and she still had to fix her hair. Matt only lived a few blocks from her, so she had almost the full hour to get ready. Before she left, she wrote a note saying she was going to his house and stuck it in her freezer. If something did happen to her while she was there, at least they’d find the note after she turned up missing. The freezer was the perfect place—if Matt did do something and came back to her apartment, he’d never look there, but eventually someone else would.

  CHAPTER 7

  A Souvenir

  Jared stood on Matt’s porch, a backpack slung around his shoulder, and a chocolate bar in the opposite hand.

  “What up?” Jared said, but Matt stared back at him dumbly. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”

  “Err…how did you know where I lived?”

  “Doug Dubaey—from transitional living—the group home…remember him? I’m out now man, they stuck me in there and when I said I was from Oakmont, Doug asked me if I had known you. What? Are you that surprised to see me?”

  “No, no…listen, come on in. Sorry about that. I was, um, expecting someone to come over and I thought you were them.”

  Jared didn’t sit; he took himself on a tour of Matt’s downstairs, peeking into rooms and picking up random things, examining them.

  “So, how long have you lived here?”

  “About four months or so. They put me into the group home when I first came out too. It sucked, so I got out as fast as I could.”

  “Yeah, bunch of fat bitches telling me what to do isn’t my idea of fun either. I’ll be looking to get out ASAP as well.”

  “I didn’t expect they’d let you out of Oakmont so soon.”

  “Huh?” he said, scanning the titles of Matt’s VCR tapes. “Yeah, my mom got her lawyer on it. Plus, being a juvey helped. They can’t hold shit against you for too long. But then again, you know that.” He smiled sadistically at Matt.

  A knocking sound caused them both to look at the door. Matt exhaled and hung his head. Perfect fucking timing. He opened the door and Hanna stood there, cautiously peeking around him at Jared.

  “Is this a bad time? Do you want me to come back?”

  “Uhhh…” Matt stalled to answer her while Jared stepped forward.

  “You aren’t interrupting anything, please…don’t go away on my behalf.”

  Matt opened the door and Hannah walked in. “Jared, this is Hannah. Hannah—Jared.”

  “Nice to meet you,” she said with a shy smile and a slight wave.

  They all walked into the living room.

  “So, Hannah, how do you know Matt?”

  “We grew up by each other—you know, a long time ago.”

  “Oh, neighbors. How nice. Do you live around here now?”

  “Yeah—just over on Linton Street, in the condo apartments. Do you know where that’s at?”

  Stupid girl. Matt couldn’t believe she told Jared where she lived. Doesn’t she have any fucking idea that she shouldn’t tell people where she lives?

  “I think I do. I might have passed them on the way over here. Are they the ones in a group of four?”r />
  “No, they’re in a group of six, but I live in the first one, so the noise isn’t so bad.”

  Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

  “Do you live by yourself?”

  “Yeah, I do. How about you? Do you live around here?”

  More fucking stupidity. Does she really think everyone is safe?

  “Yeah, in the neighborhood,” he said, smiled, and locked on her eyes until she gave a nervous laugh. He mirrored her laugh.

  “You’ve got pretty eyes.”

  Oh God.

  “What? Um…thanks.” Hannah looked down; her cheeks flared.

  “Yes, you’re a very pretty girl.” Jared spoke as though he could devour her. “Are you two…?” he said, waving his finger between Matt and Hannah.

  “No, not at all,” Hannah and Matt said in an awkward unison.

  “Really? Just friends then?”

  “Yeah, just friends. But, listen, Jared, I have the number of the group home, so I can give you a call sometime, but right now I promised I’d talk to Hannah about something important, so we, um…we gotta talk alone.”

  “Oh! No! Please, don’t make him leave on my account. I can talk to you some other time. I’d feel terrible if he left because of me.” Hannah’s words came out so quickly that Matt could tell she was nervous and wondered if she was glad Jared was there so she wasn’t alone with him.

  “That’s so sweet of you, Hannah.” Jared said as he looked at her and smiled, his head tilted to the side. She smiled back and lowered her eyes again.

  JesusFuckingChrist. Does this girl HAVE to be so fucking nice to everyone? Can’t she smell the steaming fucking predator in the room?

  “I came over to see if Matt wanted to watch a movie. How about we all watch one together?” Jared directed his question at Hannah.

  “Sure, I’d watch a movie with you guys.”

  Jared seemed to be imitating the faces Hannah was making without noticing it himself. He smiled and nodded her head, just as she did.

  Really? These two are gonna be stuck together in the same fucking room together for two hours? Stupid. Fucking. Hannah.

  Jared dropped onto Matt’s couch, directly in the middle. “Let’s all get cozy. You pick something, Matt. I’m not up on what’s good.” Jared winked at Matt.