An-Ya and Her Diary

by Christian, Diane René

  Sitka was hard to wake up. I talked into her ear and kept telling her—

  Sitka! Wake up!

  When she finally woke up, she didn’t seem confused. It was like she was used to sleeping in that blue chair.

  Daddy came back to the waiting room and said that Sitka was coming with us.

  166

  We are home now, and Sitka and Angel Bones are sleeping in my bed. I can’t sleep. I want to stay awake until Daddy tells me that we can go to the hospital and bring Ellie home.

  167

  I am still awake and waiting.

  168

  Dear Penny,

  I am still awake. I don’t know how to sleep when doctors are cutting Ellie’s head open. Plus, Sitka keeps kicking her legs over mine.

  I can feel that Ellie and Wanna aren’t here. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say the house feels emptier and colder. I have never slept in this house without Wanna and Ellie. Wanna’s robe is wrapped tight around me, but I can’t get warm enough.

  169

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy came into my room when the morning sun started to come through the window. I said—

  Can we go get Ellie now?

  He told me that it might be many days before we could bring Ellie home. He rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair out of his face and tucked the longer pieces behind his ears. Daddy didn’t look well. He looked pale and red patches covered the skin on his neck.

  I let Sitka sleep and took Angel Bones outside to go to the bathroom and came back in and filled her food bowl. Even Angel Bones seemed to know that something was wrong. She always wags her tail when I give her food, but her tail didn’t move at all this morning.

  Sitka was awake when I came back to my room. She asked me if there was any news about Ellie, and I said—

  I don’t know. I was too afraid to ask.

  We got dressed. Sitka borrowed some of my clothes. The only thing that fit her was a yellow dress with long sleeves that I never wore. Everything else was too small. Sitka looked good in the dress and I told her to keep it.

  Sitka looked at herself in my bedroom mirror and agreed that she looked nice in my dress. She kept looking in the mirror but said to me—

  Do you remember when we first met and I told you that I was named Sitka because my mom gave birth to me under a Sitka tree?

  I nodded my head but I didn’t understand why she was talking about that now.

  She said—

  It wasn’t true. I just tell people that. I was born in a hospital. My mom just likes the name Sitka.

  I didn’t say anything because Daddy came into my room. He asked us to get something quick to eat and that we would go in a few minutes. Sitka was going to her house because her parents were home now and they were resting after helping with Ellie’s surgery.

  170

  Dear Penny,

  We dropped Sitka off. She hugged me again and whispered in my ear that she would be praying for Ellie all day. I am not sure how the praying thing works, but it can’t hurt, I guess.

  I whispered back to Sitka—

  I didn’t mean to hurt you.

  Sitka didn’t answer me, but hugged me tighter, then got out and closed the car door.

  I am back in the waiting room and sitting on the floor in the corner again.

  There is a man and a woman on the other side of the room. They are sitting in the blue chairs, and they are crying. I have no idea what happened to them.

  I still can’t believe that this is all real because it doesn’t seem real at all.

  Daddy left me here to go check and see when we would be able to see Ellie. I haven’t seen Wanna yet.

  Why do you think Sitka made up that story about being born under a tree?

  171

  Dear Penny,

  I am still waiting for Daddy to come back. I tried watching the TV attached to the ceiling, but it was a show about cooking, and I kept thinking about Ellie and Wanna together laughing in our kitchen.

  The night that Ellie fell down the stairs feels like a dream that I can’t forget.

  Wanna and Daddy must have heard Ellie fall because right after Ellie stopped moving, they were both there next to us.

  I remember hearing screaming, but it wasn’t me screaming. It must have been Wanna.

  I remember someone saying—

  Don’t move her. Don’t move her. No! Don’t move her!

  Is she breathing? Can you hear her heart beating?

  Then there was more screaming, but it was a quieter scream.

  Daddy turned to me and said—

  Go call 911 right now. Now. Go.

  I don’t remember picking up the phone or dialing.

  Wanna taught me so many safety rules when I first came here, and calling 911 was one of them. She also taught me stop, drop, and roll for a fire. There was a stranger danger lesson for not getting myself stolen. I learned about how not to swallow and get poisoned by cleaning liquids. Wanna told me not to put plastic bags over my head because I might not be able to breathe. Not that I wanted to cover my head in plastic bags, but she told me anyhow.

  I never imagined that I would need to use anything that she taught me.

  But I did somehow call 911 and a woman answered and asked me—

  What was my emergency?

  I told her my sister fell down the stairs.

  The woman asked me a lot of questions like—

  Is my sister talking? Is she breathing? Is she bleeding? Is she moving? Is her heart beating? Who is there with you?

  It was so many questions that I can’t remember them all. I do remember the 911 woman saying—

  Tell your parents not to move her. Help is on the way. I am here for you. Sweetheart, stay on the phone with me until the ambulance arrives. Look out the window, and you will see the ambulance lights coming very soon.

  Then the 911 woman said—

  Sweetheart, are you still there?

  I answered—

  I see the lights.

  Then I hung up.

  172

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy came to get me in the waiting room. He said we could go in and see Ellie for a few minutes, but that she was sleeping and we wouldn’t stay long. I want to see Ellie, but I am afraid about what she will look like.

  173

  Dear Penny,

  Ellie is in a hospital room and attached to a lot of machines that beep.

  She was sleeping on a bed that is much bigger than she is.

  She was wearing a purple dress with pink elephants that the hospital gave her. She had a tube stuck in her mouth that Daddy said was filling her lungs with air. Her head looked like it was wrapped in white fabric. I couldn’t see any of Ellie’s black hair.

  Wanna was sitting next to Ellie’s bed and singing to her. She was still wearing the black dress with peach flowers that she wore to our family party. Either the dress looked like it got bigger, or Wanna shrunk inside of the dress. She was pale like Daddy. It took a minute for Wanna to notice that I was there in the room.

  When she saw me, she stopped singing to Ellie and turned toward me. She said my name and wrapped her arms around my neck.

  I put my arms around Wanna’s waist. She kissed my head all over as if she was making sure that my head wasn’t broken too.

  The way that Wanna held me reminded me of the night that I found out about Wanna’s car accident. It reminded me that underneath Wanna’s black flower dress was her upside down T shaped scar.

  I asked Wanna if I could talk to Ellie or did I need to wait for her to wake up?

  Wanna said that I could talk to Ellie but to use a quiet voice.

  I let go of Wanna and went to Ellie. There were so many machines and needles connected to her little arms. I didn’t know if it would hurt her to touch her.

  Ellie’s cheeks looked bigger, and her eyes and lips were puffy.

  I decided to lean over her small body and whisper into her ear.

  I said—

&nbs
p; Ellie, don’t be scared. You will be better soon. When you come home, we will teach Angel Bones a new trick. Fingers crossed, ok?

  I never noticed how long Ellie’s eyelashes were before. Her swollen eyes were closed, but her eyelashes moved a tiny bit.

  174

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy and I spent the day going back and forth to the hospital. We brought Wanna clean clothes and clean underwear for Ellie. Wanna gave us a list of things to bring to the hospital so that she could continue to stay with Ellie. There is an extra little bed in Ellie’s room that Wanna can sleep in. Wanna also wanted her toothbrush and her makeup case.

  Most of the time, there were doctors or nurses coming in and out of Ellie’s room. I spent a lot of time in the waiting room.

  Sometimes I was alone in the waiting room, and sometimes other people would come in and sit in the blue chairs.

  Nobody ever laughed in the waiting room. People didn’t do much talking at all. Some people looked down at the floor. Some pretended to watch the TV. Some people looked at one another. Many of the people looked like they were going to cry. Some of the people did cry.

  I kept myself busy by making up stories in my head about the people in the waiting room.

  Daddy walked in and out of the waiting room all day long. When it was dinner time, he told me it was time for us to go home for the night. He said that I could go into Ellie’s room and say goodnight to Ellie and Wanna.

  I told Daddy that I would rather just go home and see them tomorrow.

  175

  Dear Penny,

  It is morning and I am still feeling tired.

  Last night Daddy stopped on the way home from the hospital and bought us cheeseburgers and french fries.

  I didn’t think that I wanted to eat, but once I smelled the food in the bag, I realized that I was very hungry.

  I ate all my food in the car before we even made it home.

  After I took Angel Bones out to the bathroom and fed her, and said good night to Daddy, I put on Wanna’s robe and lay in my bed. I thought that I would fall asleep right away. I felt tired on the inside and outside. But I couldn’t fall asleep.

  I was still hungry. I remembered my bottle in the kitchen and went downstairs to fill it with milk.

  Walking on the stairs scared me. I felt like I was stepping on Ellie’s body with every step that I took.

  I went into the kitchen and searched for my bottle. It was a long time since I last used it. I couldn’t find my bottle, but I found one of Ellie’s. I warmed up the milk in the microwave and poured it into her bottle.

  I was about to go back to my room when Daddy came into the kitchen. He was wearing red plaid pajamas that I never saw him wear before and holding a glass of wine. He asked me if I was ok.

  I said—

  Yes. I am getting some milk.

  He looked at the bottle and looked at me.

  He said—

  Is that Ellie’s?

  I said—

  Yes.

  He said—

  Come and sit with me in the living room and we can watch my favorite show together.

  I didn’t know if I should take Ellie’s bottle with me or not. But Daddy said—

  Don’t forget Ellie’s bottle.

  So I picked up the bottle and we went into the living room and we sat on the sofa together. Daddy was watching a TV show about fixing up old houses.

  I wasn’t sure about drinking from the bottle in front of Daddy. My stomach was making strange noises, and I decided I would drink from the bottle and not worry about what Daddy thought about it.

  As I began to drink my milk, Daddy asked me to sit closer to him so that we could talk about things.

  He put his arm around me, and my head leaned against his heart.

  His pajamas were fuzzy and his voice was soft like wind blowing through the willow leaves.

  He said—

  Are you ok An-Ya?

  I said—

  I don’t know.

  He said—

  What are you afraid of?

  I said—

  That Ellie won’t ever be able come home.

  Then Daddy started to tell me that Ellie will definitely come home. He said that Ellie needed to have a small hole cut in her head because when she bumped her head on the stairs, the inside started bleeding. But he said the bleeding was stopped now, and the extra blood was taken out through the little hole they made.

  He told me that because her head bumped into the stairs, it got a little swollen inside too. He said the doctors made a hole inside Ellie’s head to help the doctors see inside and know when the swelling gets better.

  Daddy said that is why Ellie is getting extra help breathing. When the swelling in her brain goes down, then she will start to breathe again on her own.

  I drank my milk from Ellie’s bottle and listened to Daddy talk, and then he was finished. He stopped talking and watched his show, and I tried to watch too. But I was too tired to watch. So I closed my eyes and listened.

  I must have stopped listening to the show because the last thing that I remember hearing is Daddy’s heart beating softly in my ear.

  176

  Dear Penny,

  You won’t believe what happened today. I was finishing getting dressed to go to the hospital when I heard someone knocking on the door. Angel Bones started barking. I threw on a blue sweater and went to the front door.

  Guess who was standing there?

  It was Jazz, Lex, and Levi.

  When I opened the door, they all started to talk at once and told me how sad they were to hear about Ellie’s accident. I wasn’t sure how they heard about it, but somehow they did.

  Jazz handed me big warm lasagna. She told me that her mother made it for us since she knew we must be busy with trips to the hospital.

  Lex gave me flowers for Ellie, and Levi gave me flowers for me. Plus, Levi gave me a letter.

  I stood there with all of their gifts piled in my arms and said—

  Thank you.

  Daddy yelled out from the living room—

  Is everything ok An-Ya? Are you ready to go?

  I yelled back—

  Yes. I will be ready in a minute.

  Jazz, Lex, and Levi all said to tell Ellie that they were praying for her and that they hoped she felt better soon.

  I said I would tell her when I got to the hospital.

  They each gave me a hug, and I stood very still since my arms were full and I would have died if I dropped their gifts. Levi’s hug was the strongest.

  After they left, I put the lasagna in the fridge. I thought we could heat it back up later tonight.

  I didn’t know where to find a vase for the flowers. I found a plastic beach bucket and stuck them in it and added some water. The bucket still had a little sand in it, but I didn’t think it would hurt the flowers.

  I folded up Levi’s letter and put it in my pocket and went to find Daddy.

  I was ready to see Ellie.

  177

  Dear Penny,

  On the way to the hospital, I told Daddy about the lasagna and the flowers. He said that was very nice of my friends and how nice it will be to have something good to eat tonight.

  Daddy said that Ellie was in a special room right now and he didn’t know if we could bring the flowers yet. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I didn’t ask anymore questions.

  When we arrived at the hospital, I went to the waiting room and it was empty. I sat in my corner and waited for Daddy to check and see if it was ok for me to go in and visit Ellie.

  I thought about reading Levi’s letter, but every time I went to get it out of my pocket, I stopped.

  After a few minutes, Daddy came to get me and told me we could visit Ellie. He said that Wanna was taking a nap, so I needed to be extra quiet.

  I peeked into Ellie’s room and saw that she was sitting up and her eyes were open.

  178

  Dear Penny,

  When Ellie saw me today, she s
miled. The tube in her mouth was gone. She picked up her little hand and tried to wave, but I think she was still too tired.

  Wanna was sleeping on a little bed on the other side of the room. Daddy pushed a small chair up to Ellie’s bed and told me to sit down. He said that he was going to talk to the nurses and try to find Ellie’s doctor.

  I sat on the small chair next to Ellie, and she moved her hand toward me like she wanted me to hold it. I was worried about taking her hand because there was a needle taped to the top of it. Plus, the skin around the needle was purple and black.

  So instead I put my hand down on the bed and she placed her hand on top of mine.

  Ellie’s eyelids were tired. She stared at me, and then her eyelids would close for a minute, and then she would open her eyes and stare at me again.

  When she spoke, I could barely hear her, but it was clear what she said. She said—

  An-Ya sing?

  I looked at her and said—

  Do you want me to sing to you, Ellie?

  She squeezed my hand as a way to answer yes.

  I thought about what I needed to do. I didn’t catch her when she fell down the stairs. I knew I needed to do what she asked me to do now. But I felt worried that I would try and nothing would come out. Plus, the machines in the room beeped a lot, and I didn’t know if I could concentrate.

  So I said—

  I will try Ellie, but it might not be very good.

  She squeezed my hand again to tell me that it was ok.

  The only song I could think of to sing was the ‘Fly Away’ song. I listened to it many times on Wanna’s music player, and I knew the words in my head.

  When I started singing, the first words came out like I was talking. Then I closed my eyes and kept going. By the time I reached the middle of the song, it began to come out of me the way that I wanted it to. I didn’t hear any of the machines. It was like they stopped making noises to let me sing.