An-Ya and Her Diary

by Christian, Diane René

Finally, I sang the last words—

  For you are a sweet child with bright sunny eyes,

  A gem of the earth as you soar through the sky.

  Fly away, fly away, fly away.

  And slowly I opened my eyes. Ellie was smiling at me and squeezed my hand. She whispered—

  An-Ya, pretty song.

  Then it felt like there were other eyes looking at me. I turned to see Daddy standing in the doorway and smiling. He was looking toward the other side of the room. I turned the other way where Daddy was looking. Wanna was lying in her small bed, but her eyes were open and she was smiling too.

  Then a nurse, who was short but her belly was big, came into the room and asked me if I could move my chair. She said she needed to take a closer look at Ellie.

  The nurse said to me—

  If you could scoot a bit out of the way dear? I want to make sure your sweet little sister is doing as perfect as we think she is doing!

  I stood up and walked past Daddy, out of Ellie’s room, and went back to the waiting room.

  179

  Dear Penny,

  On the car ride home from the hospital, I asked Daddy why Ellie’s hand was purple and black. He said that her hand was bruised from the poking needles, but that once the needles weren’t in her hand anymore that her skin would heal.

  It was dark in the car except for the other car lights that shined inside our car as they passed by.

  Usually Daddy listened to the car radio, but it wasn’t turned on tonight.

  Daddy said—

  Ellie should be moved to a regular room in the hospital tomorrow.

  I said—

  Ok.

  He said—

  That means that she can have flowers in her room.

  I said—

  Ok. I will bring her the flowers tomorrow.

  Daddy was quiet after that.

  I asked—

  How long will it take for the hole in Ellie’s head to grow back?

  He said—

  I don’t know. I haven’t asked the doctors that exact question. Maybe your mother knows.

  There was silence after that until Daddy said—

  An-Ya, your singing voice is beautiful.

  I said—

  Do you think the bones in her head will grow all the way back to the same as before?

  Daddy said—

  I don’t know, An-Ya. I hope so.

  180

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka came over for dinner and she was carrying a bag. Daddy called her parents earlier and asked them if Sitka could sleep over again. He didn’t ask me first. He told me that he thought it would be good for me to have company while Wanna and Ellie were at the hospital. I wanted to tell him that I would rather be alone and curl up with Angel Bones. But I didn’t say anything.

  We ate Jazz’s lasagna. It smelled very good, but I wasn’t hungry and ate a small piece. Sitka ate two big pieces and said it was the best lasagna she ever tasted.

  Daddy helped me find a big vase to put Lex and Levi’s flowers in until I could take them to the hospital tomorrow. I want to give Ellie all the flowers because she needs them more than I do right now. Sitka talked a lot about how beautiful the flowers were and how nice it was that Lex and Levi gave them to us.

  181

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka is asleep in my bed. We talked some before she fell asleep.

  First, as we were changing into our pajamas, I remembered Levi’s letter in my pocket. I don’t know how I could have forgotten about it. I pulled it out and stared at the envelope. Sitka saw me and asked me what it was. When I told her it was a letter from Levi, she started clapping in the same way that Ellie claps when she is excited.

  I told Sitka that Levi gave it to me this morning but I forgot I had it. Sitka seemed surprised that I would forget something so big. She asked me if I was going to open it. I said I didn’t know and finished putting my pajamas on.

  Sitka and I got into my bed and pulled my blue covers against our chins. I still held Levi’s letter in my hand. Sitka said—

  I think you need to read it.

  I said—

  What if it says something bad?

  Sitka told me that I was being crazy. She said that Levi wouldn’t come over and give me flowers and also give me a letter that said something awful.

  I wanted to wait until I was alone to read it, but I couldn’t wait.

  I sat up and tore open the envelope. Sitka sat up with me. We read the letter out loud together. My lamp on the table next to Sitka shined on the letter. It said—

  Hi,

  I am sorry that your sister had an accident and is in the hospital. I hope you are ok and that your sister will be ok.

  If you want to talk about things later, I totally will be there.

  Bye,

  Levi

  P.S. I wrote you another letter but I put it in the trash because it seemed kind of stupid after what happened to Ellie.

  Sitka and I read the letter out loud two times before we talked about what it might mean.

  Sitka put her arm around my shoulder and said—

  I think it is good. He is saying that he wants to be there for you during this tough time.

  I said—

  What does the P.S. mean?

  Sitka said—

  It is like when someone finishes their letter and then they realize they have something else that they want to add.

  I didn’t know what to say. It was a nice letter. But it was short and I wished that I could read the letter that Levi threw in the trash instead. Maybe the trashed one was a little longer.

  Sitka said—

  Are you ok?

  I said—

  I am ok. I was thinking about other things.

  Sitka asked—

  What things are you thinking about?

  I asked Sitka to please turn the lamp off.

  In the dark I thought about how to answer Sitka’s question.

  Sitka asked again—

  What things are you thinking about, An-Ya?

  I said—

  I am thinking about Ellie’s family in China.

  Sitka said—

  What do you mean?

  I said—

  I am thinking about how they would feel if they knew about Ellie’s accident.

  Sitka said—

  Does it matter how they would feel? I mean, they gave her away. She is lucky to have your family now.

  I felt my body tighten and I wanted to jump out of my bed.

  I said—

  So you think we are lucky? You think we are lucky to not know anything about who our family was before now? How does that make us lucky?

  I listened to Sitka breathing. One of her legs was resting over mine. I wanted to kick it off of me. My bed was big enough that she didn’t need any part of herself thrown on top of me.

  Sitka didn’t say anything for a long time. I listened in the dark for her answer and wished that I hadn’t said anything in the first place.

  Finally she said—

  You are right. Lucky is the wrong word.

  And then Sitka said—

  I’m sorry. Forget what I said.

  Sitka leaned her head next to mine, and I felt her hair fall across my ear.

  Then she whispered into the dark—

  Remember how I needed to see that star? I think it was because me seeing and wishing on that star was going to be a part of Ellie getting better. It all makes more sense now. I sure did get in big trouble, but it was worth it.

  And then she fell asleep.

  182

  Dear Penny,

  Ellie looked better today. Her face was looking less puffy. She was in her new room and there weren’t as many beeping machines.

  She clapped a little when she saw the flowers. At first she thought the flowers were from me, but then I explained that they were from Levi and his big brother.

  Ellie nodded and said—

  Ohhh. Levi with rabbit eyes?


  I told Ellie yes. Wanna looked surprised that Levi would do something nice. She doesn’t understand him at all.

  Wanna looked better today too. She must have used her makeup bag that we brought from home. She wasn’t so pale, her cheeks looked pink, and her lips were shiny.

  Sitka came to the hospital with us. Her parents were both working today. She talked to Ellie and told her funny stories. I wanted to go to the waiting room, but I stayed and listened and walked around Ellie’s room.

  Ellie moved around more and was even able to laugh. I guess I should be thankful to Sitka that she was able to make Ellie giggle and help Ellie forget that she was in a hospital room with a hole in her head.

  Levi and Lex’s flowers were not the only flowers in the room. There were a few baskets filled with flowers too. Plus, there were cards hung up on a board from Wanna and Daddy’s friends and some of their relatives that I never knew existed. Who are Cousin Danny and Great Auntie Gladys?

  183

  Dear Penny,

  We didn’t stay at the hospital for very long today. Daddy said that he had to go to work and take care of a few things. He asked me if I wanted to stay at the hospital or go home.

  I told him that I wanted to go home. Sitka was going to stay until her parents were finished with their work at the hospital. Sitka said she planned on staying with Ellie until it was time for her to go home with her parents.

  I told Daddy that I was tired. It was true. I haven’t been sleeping well.

  When I said goodbye to Wanna, she buried her face into my hair and breathed in deep. It was like she was trying to smell inside of me.

  She whispered into my hair—

  I miss you.

  184

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy dropped me off at the house and told me to lock the door behind me. He said that all of the emergency numbers were on the fridge and to call him if I was worried about anything.

  It was my first time in the house by myself. I don’t remember ever being totally alone before. I guess I was alone when She left us in the box together, but I don’t remember that.

  I did have Angel Bones. She seemed upset about all of the time she was spending alone. Her head was hanging down, and her tail wasn’t wagging as fast as it usually does.

  I took her outside for a quick walk around the yard. Then I went inside and locked the door behind me like Daddy told me to.

  Angel Bones followed me upstairs to my bedroom. I still didn’t feel comfortable walking on the stairs. I kept picturing Ellie falling down each stair that I walked up.

  I thought that I wanted to sleep. I took off my shoes and pants and crawled into bed. Angel Bones jumped up and curled up next to me. I pet her soft white fur and talked to her. I told her why we have been gone a lot and told her that I was sorry that we have been leaving her for long times alone.

  Angel Bones licked my hand to tell me that she forgave me. It felt like she understood.

  I thought that I would fall asleep, but I closed my eyes and opened them a few minutes later.

  My first thought was—

  I am alone in the house and I could do anything that I want to do. I could go crazy if I wanted to and nobody would know about it. I could take whatever I want from whoever I want to.

  185

  Dear Penny,

  Am I terrible? What was wrong with me and my brain that I was thinking of all of the bad things that I could do?

  I couldn’t fall asleep.

  I kept thinking about how dirty the kitchen was. Nobody had cleaned anything since Ellie’s fall. Wanna never left the kitchen dirty.

  There were dishes piled in the sink. There was trash all over the counter.

  I know Wanna doesn’t like me doing cleaning things, but I had to do something or I worried I might do something worse.

  I put my pants back on and went back downstairs. Angel Bones jumped out of bed and followed me.

  I went to the cabinet where Wanna kept her cleaning supplies. I watched her open the cabinet many times, but I never looked inside myself before.

  First I found Wanna’s orange cleaning gloves. I tried them on, and they kept slipping off every time I tried to pick something up. How does she get anything done with those gloves on her hands?

  I put the gloves back and decided to clean without any gloves. I didn’t wear gloves in China, and I am not sure how they are supposed to help.

  Inside the cleaning cabinet were so many bottles and each one of the bottles did something different—

  1. Window Cleaner (for windows only?)

  2. Wood Cleaner (but do not use on wood floors! It was the lemon smelling one that Wanna used a lot)

  3. Wood Cleaner (only for wood floors!)

  4. Dishwashing Soap (but don’t use in dishwasher!)

  5. Dishwashing Soap (but only for using in dishwasher!)

  6. Antibacterial Cleaner (?)

  7. All Purpose Cleaner (?)

  8. Tub and Tile Cleaner

  9. Toilet Cleaner

  10. Bleach (?)

  11. Air Deodorizer (?)

  I was confused and all I had done so far was try on big orange gloves and read labels.

  I let Angel Bones smell all of the bottles. Some of them she liked, but some of them she barked at.

  I wanted to give up and I hadn’t even started. I decided to try harder to focus and study the labels. Finally I decided that I would use #4 the dishwashing soap (that wasn’t supposed to be used in the dishwasher) and #7 the all purpose cleaner. It said that it killed viruses and germs. I didn’t want Ellie to get a virus in her hole and get brain sick. The all purpose cleaner said that it was good for cleaning sinks, cabinets, counters, sinks and fiberglass fixtures (?).

  Those two bottles were enough to help me clean the kitchen.

  First I used #4 and cleaned all of the dishes the way that I used to in China. We didn’t have dishwashers in China, and sometimes I would be asked to help clean in the kitchen. Everything we did there we did with our hands. I liked being asked to clean in China. It made me feel like somebody thought I was helpful.

  I don’t know how we used so many dishes in just a few days. The lasagna was hard to scrub off of the glass tray. It took the longest to get clean. When I finished, I found a towel and dried the dishes and put them away.

  Using the #7 all purpose cleaner was not as familiar. I tried using the spray bottle to clean the counters, but nothing came out. I eventually discovered that I had to twist the spray bottle nose before it would work. There were little word directions I hadn’t noticed—spray, stream, off.

  Once I figured it out, I started spraying. I used another towel to wipe the counters, the cabinets, and the stove.

  When I was finished, the kitchen looked clean and I was tired again.

  Angel Bones and I went back to bed. I took my pants back off and pulled the covers up to my chin. I could feel that my hands were wrinkled.

  Right now I am thinking about the many times my hands felt this way in China. My head is filled with memories, but I just want to sleep.

  186

  Dear Penny,

  I fell asleep before Daddy got home last night and woke up this morning hungry. When I went downstairs, Daddy made me breakfast and told me that Ellie is coming home tomorrow. He thanked me for cleaning the kitchen and said that I did such a good job that he was hoping that I would be good at doing laundry too. I told him that I only knew how to wash laundry in a bucket and hang it up to dry. He said that he would teach me how to use our washing and drying machines.

  I asked Daddy if we could get some balloons to surprise Ellie when she comes home. He thought it was a great idea and asked me if I would pick the balloon colors.

  He said—

  Men aren’t always good with picking colors. I can design a great house, but I am not the right guy to pick out the paint colors.

  Today we will wash Ellie’s sheets and blankets and clean up her room. I think we should use the all purpose cleaner in her room to
o. We should kill all the viruses and germs to make sure that she will be safe.

  I am not excited about the balloons, even though they were my idea. But, I am sure Ellie will like them. It seems like we should have something special for her since she lived through having a bruised brain, having a hole put in her head, and needles poking into her hands. Plus, she has lived in a room with all of those machines beeping all of the time. I don’t know how she has been able to sleep.

  I have a lot to do today. First, I need to take a shower. My hair is sticking to my neck.

  187

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy and I spent the day cleaning. We didn’t visit the hospital because Ellie was having tests done to make sure that she was really to come home. Daddy was on the phone a lot talking to Wanna.

  Learning how to use the washing and drying machine was easier than I thought it would be. You stuff clothes into the washer and push buttons and add the cleaner. The dryer dried everything very fast. I folded and hung the clothes back in the closets.

  Before I put the sheets back on the beds, I pulled them out of the dryer and wrapped them around my body. The sheets were warm, and they made me feel like I was taking a bath without getting wet.

  188

  Dear Penny,

  Tonight I heard Daddy talking to Wanna on the phone at the hospital. I don’t know what Wanna was saying since I could only hear what Daddy said back. He didn’t know I was listening.

  He was telling Wanna what a great helper I was and that I cleaned the kitchen.

  Wanna said something and then he said—

  What do you mean you don’t want her to clean anything?

  Then Wanna said something else and Daddy said—

  She did a great job. An-Ya seemed happy about helping.

  Wanna said something back and Daddy said—

  Honey, An-Ya is fine and she did a good job. Cleaning is not going to hurt her in any way. She is trying to help. You should feel better about this, not worried about it.

  Wanna must have talked for a minute because Daddy was silent. Finally, he said—