An-Ya and Her Diary

by Christian, Diane René

  I know death happens. I hope Wanna and Daddy are telling me the truth about Ellie. I won’t forgive them if they are telling me lies.

  I am starting to see the map that Wanna said was inside of me. Not only is my map blurry, but it is woven together with black thread.

  204

  Dear Penny,

  I don’t know why I wrote all that about wishing I held hands with the nannies and we could have cried together. I would have never wanted to do that. I don’t know why I wrote any of it.

  I thought maybe I should cross out what I wrote, but then it would make your pages look messy and ugly.

  I just wish they hadn’t treated me like I was stupid. Most of all, I wish that Ping-Hao could have told me the truth.

  205

  Dear Penny,

  I forget to tell you, we ordered some hats for Ellie. Daddy and I searched the computer for the perfect hats. Daddy said we could pick extra fast mailing so that they will get here in a few days. I told Daddy that the faster they got here, the better it would be for Ellie. It cost more money, but if it helps Ellie be safer, then Daddy agreed it was important. Most of the hats that we picked are pink, but one of them is blue with a purple feather on the side. They are all made of soft materials so they don’t scratch or make Ellie’s head more uncomfortable.

  206

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka came over for a little while. Her hair was pulled up into a smooth ponytail. It made her brown eyes look bigger. I was hoping that she would come to visit because I needed to ask her some questions.

  Before Sitka could sit down, I asked her to come with me right away and sit by the willow tree. She said—

  I want to visit with Ellie and see how she is doing.

  I told her that she could visit with Ellie later, but I needed to talk with her first. I told her it was important.

  Sitka followed me outside and we sat down against the trunk of the willow. She said—

  What is wrong with you, An-Ya? What do you need to talk about?

  I asked Sitka to tell me everything that her parents told her about Ellie’s head. Sitka said—

  They told me that she needed time to get better, but there was nothing to worry about. Why? Did something happen?

  Sitka looked worried. Her big eyes got bigger. I said—

  Do your parents ever tell you something because you are a kid and they don’t want to make you upset?

  Sitka answered right away—

  No. Why would they do that? Do your parents do that?

  I thought about my answer before I said it. There was no wind and the leaves of the willow were still.

  I said to Sitka—

  I don’t think they do…but I don’t know how to know for sure.

  Sitka pushed herself up against the willow tree. She stood over me and said—

  You need to stop stressing out. Ellie will be fine and nobody is lying about anything. Ok?

  I leaned against the tree and didn’t say anything.

  Sitka left and walked back into our house without me. I wanted to turn and wrap my arms around the trunk of the willow, but I didn’t.

  207

  Dear Penny,

  When I went inside the house, I found Sitka, Wanna, and Ellie in Wanna’s bathroom. Ellie was in her bee chair. She had a white bandage that covered the top of her head and went down to her ears. It looked like she was wearing a white rainbow on her head.

  Everyone was laughing, and they were all looking at each other in the big bathroom mirror.

  I turned to leave, but Ellie saw me. She cried out—

  An-Ya! We do your makeup too!

  I turned back and saw the things in Wanna’s makeup bag were spread out on the bathroom counter.

  Ellie’s lips were a light shade of purple, and her eyelids were a matching darker purple. Sitka’s lips were a shiny cherry color, and her eyelids were colored with a darker golden brown than her eyes.

  Wanna said to me—

  Come and join us. Sit here.

  Wanna pointed to a little bench in front of her bathroom mirror. She waved her hand for me to come and told me to sit down.

  I wanted to leave, but Ellie asked me to stay. I sat down on the bench and waited to see what would happen next.

  Wanna, Ellie, and Sitka told me to close my eyes. They said that they were going to work makeup magic.

  I never wore makeup before. I never thought about wearing makeup before. It was hard to keep my eyes closed. My back felt uncomfortable sitting on the bathroom bench. There was nothing to lean against. I felt like my back was floating, and I wished that I could lay my head down on my knees and give my back some rest.

  I felt brushes sweep against my face. I listened to them discuss what colors to use. Ellie and Sitka wanted green for my eyes, but Wanna thought blue would be best.

  They all came so close that I felt them breathing into my skin.

  Ellie’s bee chair bumped against my leg, but I kept quiet. Someone painted my lips with a color that smelled like apples.

  Finally Wanna said that they were finished and told me to open my eyes.

  I opened my eyes, but I needed to blink a few times before I could see clearly.

  I recognized everyone around me before I saw that I was there too. I saw a stranger in the mirror.

  My eyelids were pale green and my lips were colored pink. My cheeks were the color of peaches.

  Sitka said—

  If Levi saw you right now, he would ask you to marry him!

  My cheeks turned from peach to pink and matched my lips. Wanna smiled and didn’t seem to be worried about what Sitka said about Levi.

  Ellie clapped and it seemed like a stronger clap.

  I smiled at myself in the mirror. I felt like I really did look like makeup magic.

  208

  Dear Penny,

  A nurse came to our house today to do exercises with Ellie. The nurse was small and her nose was even smaller. I wondered how she could breathe through such a tiny nose.

  The exercises were supposed to help Ellie get strong and be able to walk without getting tired.

  I took Angel Bones outside while Ellie was with the nurse.

  As soon as I walked outside, Levi was there on his lightning bolt bike. It was like he was there waiting for me to walk out of the door.

  He didn’t say hello. He looked at me with his amazing blue eyes and then he reached into his jacket pocket.

  He took out an envelope and handed it to me. Angel Bones was barking at Levi and hoping he would pet her, but he didn’t look down at Angel Bones. He kept staring at me.

  After he handed me the envelope, he said—

  If you say no, then I will understand.

  Then he turned his bike around and rode away.

  I need some time to think about what this all means. I will tell you everything soon.

  209

  Dear Penny,

  First, I will share with you the letter that Levi gave me so that you understand why I have needed to think so much about it.

  He wrote—

  Dear Anya (did I spell your name right?),

  I don’t want to bother you because I know your family is going through a lot right now. I hope Ellie is feeling better. Everyone has been talking about her accident. Not in a mean way but because people are worried about her.

  I am sure that it is hard for you too. I would be totally upset if my brother broke his head up and was in a wheelchair.

  Maybe this is a bad time to ask you something because of what happened to Ellie. But school starts soon and I wanted to ask you before it started. I thought that I would see you at orientation, but I guess you couldn’t make it because it was the day after Ellie’s accident.

  Anyways, people at school know that I got in trouble and was sent away. I have seen some of the kids from school this summer and some of them won’t talk to me. Some of them do worse and they call me names like Levi the Little Thief and Levi the Loser.

  It’s not all bad
and there are kids who are still cool with me. But I wanted you to know the bad parts before you answer my question.

  I was wondering if I could call you my girlfriend when school starts? Maybe you are hoping to meet another guy at school and that is cool. I can understand. So if you could circle your answer about being my girlfriend, that would be good…

  Yes ok (or) No sorry

  Thanks,

  Levi

  P.S. Lex helped me a little to write this, but he said that he won’t say anything to anybody about it. I just wanted his help to make sure that I didn’t make a lot of mistakes.

  210

  Dear Penny,

  I know you probably think that I was thinking about the question that Levi asked me, but you are wrong. Well, I was thinking about that too, but what I was thinking about the most was…

  School starts soon.

  After I read Levi’s letter, I ran with Angel Bones back into the house.

  The nurse and Ellie and Wanna were upstairs doing exercises. Daddy was downstairs doing work on the computer.

  I walked up to him and said—

  I need to get ready for school. I missed orientation. What is orientation?

  211

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy told me that orientation is like an introduction to the school. He said Wanna must have completely forgotten about it after Ellie was rushed to the hospital.

  Daddy is making a call to the school now and figuring out what papers we need to fill out. He is making sure I am ready to start on time.

  I am sitting in the kitchen and waiting for Daddy to get off the phone.

  I have to go to school. If I don’t go to school, then I won’t be there if Levi tells everyone that I am his girlfriend. Is that what Levi really wants? Me?

  Should I circle Yes Ok on Levi’s letter? I don’t know what to do. How will I be a good girlfriend if I don’t know what being a girlfriend even means?

  212

  Dear Penny,

  When Daddy got off the phone with the school, he told me that the principal of the school wanted to meet me right away.

  He went upstairs and told Wanna that we were going to the school. Wanna must have given him some papers because he came downstairs with a pile of papers under his arm.

  As we were driving to the school, I started to feel hot. I asked Daddy what the principal was.

  He said it was the person who was like the leader of the school. The principal was the one who made the most important decisions.

  I worried that the principal would say that I wasn’t good enough for school. Under my arms felt wet.

  The school looked almost as big as the orphanage. But the walls weren’t white inside. They were all different colors with drawings and pictures taped up all over.

  We walked down the colorful halls and found the principal’s office. We sat down in brown chairs and waited. Daddy seemed uncomfortable. He kept petting his eyebrows. I don’t think he was expecting to do this school stuff with me.

  We waited a few minutes and then a woman came out and introduced herself as the principal. She shook both of our hands. She was wearing a long black skirt and red jacket.

  Her black hair matched her skirt and was cut short at her chin.

  Her glasses were red and matched her jacket.

  She looked Chinese.

  213

  Dear Penny,

  I am getting ready for bed, but I wanted to tell you more about meeting the principal.

  She wasn’t Chinese exactly, but she said that most people called her Chinese. She was born in Taiwan, which is very close to China. The principal told me that Taiwan’s relationship with China is complicated. She came to America with her family when she was still a baby.

  I asked her if she was adopted and she said no. She came here with her Taiwan family.

  Daddy asked her if she spoke Chinese. The principal looked Daddy in the eye and said—

  Sir, with all due respect, Chinese is a people, not a language. There are many languages spoken in China. And to answer your question, I speak Mandarin.

  Then the principal looked at me and smiled and said—

  So, An-Ya, what language did you speak in China?

  I didn’t know the answer. I looked at Daddy and asked him with my eyes for help.

  Daddy answered for me—

  An-Ya spoke a small amount of Mandarin. Our guide in China found it difficult to communicate with her because he was not fluent in her local dialect. An-Ya stopped speaking her native language immediately after she was adopted.

  I wanted to shrink into my brown chair and disappear. The conversation made me feel like I failed at being Chinese.

  This was America. I was at an English speaking school. It was my bad luck to have a Chinese principal.

  Then the principal asked me—

  An-Ya, do you remember your first language?

  Again, I looked at Daddy to answer for me, but he didn’t look back at me.

  I had no choice but to tell the principal—

  I don’t remember. I try to remember but I can’t.

  The principal nodded her head and looked down at my papers in front of her. She turned the pages over and studied them before she said anything. When she finally spoke, it was a surprise. She pushed her red glasses up on her nose and said—

  An-Ya, welcome to our school. I will do my best to make this school a place that you feel happy to come to every day.

  The principal gave Daddy some more papers to fill out and then we were finished.

  Before we left, the principal said to Daddy—

  You have a beautiful daughter. Of course, we will need to do some testing, but we will worry about that at a later time. If An-Ya is comfortable, I would be happy to help her find resources to relearn her Mandarin.

  The principal handed Daddy some more papers to take home. He said thank you and we left. I held Daddy’s hand as we walked back to the car. His hand was wet but it didn’t bother me.

  I was going to go to school.

  214

  Dear Penny,

  Today Wanna took me to buy school supplies. The principal gave Daddy a list of all the things that I would need to bring on the first day.

  Daddy said he could work from home and watch Ellie and Angel Bones.

  Sitka came shopping with us. Her parents were dealing with an emergency at the hospital. Sitka’s parents gave her money to shop with.

  Sitka and I had the same school list, since we were going to be in the same grade.

  We read our lists in the car and I asked questions about what some of the things were that we needed to buy.

  Like…

  100 number 2 pencils

  How many of those were we supposed to buy, one hundred or two? Or one hundred and two?

  Wanna said that she thought the number 2 part was about how soft or hard the pencil was. She said we needed to look for pencils with a 2 written on the side and buy one hundred of them. How much writing was I going to need to do to use up one hundred pencils?

  1 box of Kleenex

  Why did we need that? Sitka said it was if you needed to sneeze at school. Do people at school sneeze that much?

  5 packs of college ruled paper

  I was going to middle school, not college?

  8 glue sticks and 1 white glue

  What would we be gluing that we needed that much glue?

  Sitka said glue is used for a lot of things at school. I asked her what for and she said—school stuff. (?)

  5 pink erasers and 1 white eraser

  Why the different colored erasers? Why do I need 5 pink ones and only 1 white one?

  20 black pens, 10 red pens, 5 blue pens, and 3 highlighter pens

  That seems like a lot of pens?

  2 composition books 100 sheet college ruled 10 x 7 7/8

  Again, why the college stuff?

  10 Pee-Chee folders

  What in the world are those?

  My head already hurt before we arrived a
t the store.

  215

  Dear Penny,

  Once we went into the store and started shopping, it was like we were in a race. We went into a huge store, but it seemed like everyone was circling around the school supplies.

  Parents and children were walking up and down the store aisles and grabbing school supplies like they were in a shopping contest.

  Wanna gave Sitka and me each a pen to mark off our supply list. I followed Sitka and picked things that she told me to pick and threw them into Wanna’s shopping cart.

  Sometimes I would lose focus and Sitka would yell at me—

  Over here, An-Ya! Pick out 10 Pee-Chee folders quick!

  Or Sitka would find something that was almost gone and say—

  An-Ya, hurry and grab the glue sticks and throw them in the cart!

  Somehow Sitka found everything that we needed on our list. Wanna pushed the cart full of school supplies, and we stood in the checkout line.

  Wanna said—

  Are you girls still up for some school clothes shopping?

  Sitka said she was ready, but I wanted to go home. If it was that hard getting ready for school, then how hard was it going to be when I actually went to school?

  216

  Dear Penny,

  Sitka and I took our school supplies that we bought and put them in the trunk of Wanna’s car.

  Next to the store where we bought our school supplies was a clothing store.

  It was crowded and I didn’t know where to start. Sitka grabbed my hand and took me to the Young Adult clothing. It felt like my school supplies, and now my clothes, were all telling me that I needed to grow up and get ready to be an adult. What happened to being 12 years old and not having to buy college paper and young adult clothes? What happened to being a kid?